Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > LOVING A... > Loving a Lifer
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-17-2020, 07:31 AM
Revenwyn Revenwyn is offline
Married May 27, 2017!
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California, USA- Husband in Colorado
Posts: 972
Thanks: 854
Thanked 779 Times in 390 Posts
Default Drained

What do you do when you come to the point where the life is being sucked out of you, when you see no hope for the future outside of prison?

Part of this is my personal circumstances- unemployed and permanently disabled, I can't see a point in my life where I'll be able to be the financial backbone parole would want to see for any chance of him getting out. I have no income whatsoever and currently live and am totally supported by my family.

Second issue is COVID- we are in two separate states anyway, which means it has now been 15 months since I've been able to visit thanks to this pandemic. In addition, most of this time I've barely managed to hear from him half an hour per week. We've both got major depression and anxiety issues and I've been so drained that I haven't even been able to write. He was in this spot the first half of the year, which led to me getting it this second half. Now that he's finally writing some again, I'm just emotionally unavailable.

I have no friends I can talk to about all this. I don't trust that a counselor would have any advice but to leave him. And that's not an option for me, leaving my only friend I've ever had behind. I've been in this for ten years now.

Thoughts?
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Revenwyn For This Useful Post:
Osugirl (01-07-2021)
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 12-17-2020, 09:58 AM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Panama City, Panama
Posts: 4,678
Thanks: 4,831
Thanked 5,718 Times in 2,304 Posts
Default

Well... what I did when I could not see a future beyond prison I broke it off. I've offered him friendship because he as well and the entire situation was sucking the life out of me - that happened during a very strict, 8-months lockdown here in Panama.
I just didn't have the energy anymore for this self-centered, self-obsessed, entitled ass. Love yes but it wasn't enough anymore. I had and still have to think about myself.
I was surprised how little I grieved and even though I miss the good times sometimes, I'm better off this way.
He never called again even though there was still enough money on the phone. I'll be leaving Panama soon and I will not have that phone number anymore, I unfriended his Mom on Facebook so once I'm out of here, he will have a hard time finding me because I'm not posting anything about moving back to Germany on Facebook or elsewhere... I need peace and quiet and a healthy start with no interruptions in Germany.

Do what's best for you, use your energy on yourself and put yourself first.
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
choclgs (12-18-2020), Classygyrl10 (12-24-2020), fbopnomore (12-17-2020), LifeTraveler (12-20-2020), mauri23 (12-17-2020), maytayah (12-17-2020), orchibu (12-18-2020), patchouli (12-17-2020)
  #3  
Old 12-17-2020, 12:26 PM
RaeLR RaeLR is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 198
Thanks: 319
Thanked 359 Times in 124 Posts
Default

I love a lifer so I get it. Tough road! You deserve joy in your life and to be at peace. No relationship should take that away from you, or it becomes unhealthy. There are days when I despair -- especially with the very limited communication right now due to COVID-19 -- but I still see him as irreplaceable. He is doing the best that he can and that is all that I have the right to ask. If I ever determine that he isn't, then I will be gone. There is too much sacrifice to this type of relationship to allow for laziness or selfishness. Take care of you and be very kind to yourself!
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to RaeLR For This Useful Post:
Alexiel (12-18-2020), choclgs (12-18-2020), patchouli (12-17-2020), Revenwyn (12-17-2020), Sweetfrenchie (12-18-2020)
  #4  
Old 12-17-2020, 07:20 PM
Jacob's Girl's Avatar
Jacob's Girl Jacob's Girl is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: TN, USA
Posts: 339
Thanks: 303
Thanked 223 Times in 146 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revenwyn View Post
What do you do when you come to the point where the life is being sucked out of you, when you see no hope for the future outside of prison?

Part of this is my personal circumstances- unemployed and permanently disabled, I can't see a point in my life where I'll be able to be the financial backbone parole would want to see for any chance of him getting out. I have no income whatsoever and currently live and am totally supported by my family.

Second issue is COVID- we are in two separate states anyway, which means it has now been 15 months since I've been able to visit thanks to this pandemic. In addition, most of this time I've barely managed to hear from him half an hour per week. We've both got major depression and anxiety issues and I've been so drained that I haven't even been able to write. He was in this spot the first half of the year, which led to me getting it this second half. Now that he's finally writing some again, I'm just emotionally unavailable.

I have no friends I can talk to about all this. I don't trust that a counselor would have any advice but to leave him. And that's not an option for me, leaving my only friend I've ever had behind. I've been in this for ten years now.

Thoughts?
I'm sorry you came on here begging for help and got exactly what you said you didn't want, and certainly not what you need. I ignore anyone who tells me to leave my man or says anything negative about him. Some people are just bitter and want to spread that to others reasons I can only guess.

If you can't live without him, you can't live without him. I can't live without mine and refuse to the world break us. When it gets bad, I do stuff that reminds me of him, makes me feel close to him. I record all our phone calls and listen to them, reread his letters, stare at his pictures, write him letters, take pictures for him. We're currently writing a book together. So he'll tell me stuff over the phone, then I can write it later when I listen, rewind if I need, etc. I write him books (I know, probably not your alley, but you never know!). I printed out a large picture for him with several pages of a fantasy world we're both into. It's about 12 sheets of paper. He taped them together forming our map. Then I write riddles and puzzles for him to solve. When he solves one, he gets a prize! They're all things he's asked for, like books and a calendar, but this lets things stretch out longer, gives us something to work on together. He loves it! And I love making them for him. Good luck, sweetie. Hang in there (Feel free to ignore my comment as I just saw I'm in the "lifer" thread and my man is not a lifer. I just wrote because you needed some help )
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Jacob's Girl For This Useful Post:
Sweetfrenchie (12-18-2020)
  #5  
Old 12-18-2020, 12:13 PM
Sweetfrenchie Sweetfrenchie is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: France / Iowa
Posts: 26
Thanks: 42
Thanked 32 Times in 15 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revenwyn View Post
What do you do when you come to the point where the life is being sucked out of you, when you see no hope for the future outside of prison?

Part of this is my personal circumstances- unemployed and permanently disabled, I can't see a point in my life where I'll be able to be the financial backbone parole would want to see for any chance of him getting out. I have no income whatsoever and currently live and am totally supported by my family.

Second issue is COVID- we are in two separate states anyway, which means it has now been 15 months since I've been able to visit thanks to this pandemic. In addition, most of this time I've barely managed to hear from him half an hour per week. We've both got major depression and anxiety issues and I've been so drained that I haven't even been able to write. He was in this spot the first half of the year, which led to me getting it this second half. Now that he's finally writing some again, I'm just emotionally unavailable.

I have no friends I can talk to about all this. I don't trust that a counselor would have any advice but to leave him. And that's not an option for me, leaving my only friend I've ever had behind. I've been in this for ten years now.

Thoughts?



Hello Revenwyn,
I think many of us understand what a difficult bridge it is to project yourself outside of your prison walls when you have a relationship with a lifer. For a very long time all I thought about was "if maybe one day he'll get out", he's a lifer so it's almost impossible. With time we understood that happiness was not the end, not the destination but the path. So we enjoy every day with my lover. It will soon be 15 years, it has sometimes been very difficult, but we are more and more in love every day. We have created a routine for ourselves, which reassures him a lot. Together we have managed to find this balance so that everyone is happy.
It is important that you are well in your life, and that he is well in his. Take the time you need to reflect and build your life, according to you, don't lock yourself into this relationship, it will only bring him frustration, and he will feel even worse and he will have the impression that you are sacrificing everything for him. Love is not a sacrifice, it's a sharing, at least that's how I see it.
I don't know if you can send him emails, or make video visits.
I hope that beautiful days will come for you. Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself, to be good with others you have to be good with yourself first.
Good luck to you <3
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sweetfrenchie For This Useful Post:
Jacob's Girl (12-18-2020), maytayah (12-18-2020), RaeLR (12-18-2020)
  #6  
Old 01-04-2021, 12:15 AM
Revenwyn Revenwyn is offline
Married May 27, 2017!
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California, USA- Husband in Colorado
Posts: 972
Thanks: 854
Thanked 779 Times in 390 Posts
Default

Aaaand now he has COVID and I haven't heard from him in a week.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Revenwyn For This Useful Post:
Jacob's Girl (01-04-2021)
  #7  
Old 01-04-2021, 07:31 AM
Free At Last 5 Free At Last 5 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: KY, USA
Posts: 236
Thanks: 58
Thanked 453 Times in 177 Posts
Default

No matter which path you choose, it is always true that if you don’t take care of yourself first, it’s hard to be there for someone else. Perhaps focus on “baby steps” to improve your own health, finances and mental strength, and you’ll be in a better position to help your loved one and others in your life.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Free At Last 5 For This Useful Post:
RaeLR (01-04-2021)
  #8  
Old 01-04-2021, 08:51 AM
Jacob's Girl's Avatar
Jacob's Girl Jacob's Girl is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: TN, USA
Posts: 339
Thanks: 303
Thanked 223 Times in 146 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revenwyn View Post
Aaaand now he has COVID and I haven't heard from him in a week.
Mine got covid. He hasn't written either. He's the only worker in his wing and collapses when the day is over. He calls about every 3 days. Sometimes I get more. But I go back to work soon and know we won't get to talk much when that happens until his quarantine situation changes. It's heartbreaking. I was out with a friend yesterday when he called for the first time in days. I pulled off the interstate and onto the side of the road. She had zero problem with me halting our outing to talk to my man as she understood. Idk what I would do with the support of my friends. They've seen what this man has done for me, how he's changed me for the better. You need a support structure, a real life support structure. This forum is great, but it may not be enough for you. It takes time and is difficult, but I would try to make friends in the real world, nonjudgmental friends who can support you in this. Be ready to support back. Friendship is not a oneway street.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Jacob's Girl For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (01-04-2021), gallega1211 (01-04-2021), RaeLR (01-04-2021), Sweetfrenchie (01-05-2021)
  #9  
Old 01-07-2021, 02:11 AM
Sweetfrenchie Sweetfrenchie is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: France / Iowa
Posts: 26
Thanks: 42
Thanked 32 Times in 15 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Revenwyn View Post
Aaaand now he has COVID and I haven't heard from him in a week.
Hello, hope you will get news soon. With covid communication is harder, quarantine, no phone calls, mail is so slow . It teaches patience... I always try to find the good side of a situation.
Sometimes with J. , we chose to don't talk for a week, to take the time to step back, think about our relationship is, what we have to do to be fine as individuals and as a couple. We enjoy this little break, sometimes our relation it's like a car on the highway, it's nice to slow down.
Take this time for you, don't be worry for him. It's very important in this kind of relationship to have built or to build something strong and grounded outside. We can just live for our men, we are not in prison. Loving a lifer is long, long, journey.

I would like to wish you an happy new year.
Hope everything gonna be fine and wonderful for everyone here and for loved ones.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sweetfrenchie For This Useful Post:
RaeLR (01-07-2021)
  #10  
Old 01-07-2021, 10:46 PM
kvinna20 kvinna20 is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Oct 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 151
Thanks: 264
Thanked 88 Times in 72 Posts
Default

A good therapist won’t tell you what to do or try and influence you. Their job is to offer support and help safeguard your emotional health. Hugs to you.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to kvinna20 For This Useful Post:
Sweetfrenchie (01-09-2021)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Drained! Just a vent! Heliba Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison 13 05-13-2012 09:09 PM
So drained wickzfinest727 Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender 5 04-17-2012 08:43 PM
So drained LittleSunshine Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison 6 04-09-2012 12:35 AM
‘Drained Away’ Cactus Poetry 0 05-07-2009 05:55 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:25 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2019 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics