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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 10-03-2012, 09:17 AM
Itshim4life Itshim4life is offline
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Default He's serving LWOP, shoud I stay or should I go?

Helle everyone I'm gonna try to give the short version of my story with my lifer. My best friends husband was in prison and they asked me if I'd be willing to write one of his friends. I of course said yes thinking I'd be able to help this guy and it's just a couple letters anyway. I was immediately surprised by what a strong and kind man he was with each letter/phone call I have fallen more and more in love with his as he has with me. We share a connection I have never felt before. He accepts everything about as I do him. He went to prison as a juvenile and is now serving life without the possibility of parole so my question is should I stay or go? I can't picture my life without him but will we be able to survive without the normalcy of a regular relationship? Will I be able to accept the fact that I may never have him physically by me side??
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:52 AM
BayAreaLA BayAreaLA is offline
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What a tough decision and I wish I could give you an answer but only you know what is best for you. First you need to ask yourself if you are willing to go on the road, *because I'm sure he would love to have you as his "wife" but later on you realize that this life is not for you and he will be the one with a heartbroken. It's not like us that met people on the outside all the time. Life for them is hard and lonely. I hope the best for you guys...
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  #3  
Old 10-03-2012, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Conn_girl View Post
What a tough decision and I wish I could give you an answer but only you know what is best for you. First you need to ask yourself if you are willing to go on the road, *because I'm sure he would love to have you as his "wife" but later on you realize that this life is not for you and he will be the one with a heartbroken. It's not like us that met people on the outside all the time. Life for them is hard and lonely. I hope the best for you guys...
Thank u! Your completely right and that's one of the reasons I admire him so much because he lives a hard life and still has more courage and strength than anyone I know! I don't ever want to b the reason he is hurt so I know I need to make that decision soon but honestly don't think I could let him go so I just gotta face my fears head on
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:29 AM
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My husband is serving what amounts to a life sentence. 159 years. If and when he does come home we'll be in our 70's. He was a juvenile as well. I had to ask myself all of the same questions when I first realized I had feelings for him. It is not an easy decision to make and it is good that you are taking the time to reflect on these things beforehand. There are a lot of wonderful things to be shared when you find love with someone, but there are also a great deal of sacrifices you must make as well. My husband and I do not have a "normal" marriage as far as what society deems "normal", but what we do have works for us and we are content. If you and your LO can find a routine that satisfies both of your needs and you are both committed to making it work I think you can find happiness. Definitely take the time to talk it over. Talk about your needs, what you expect from one another in a relationship, your goals and your expectations. Once you have communicated all of this you will be in a better position to make a decision. Best wishes! =)
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:44 AM
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It's your life. Spend it any way you want to. But don't kid yourself into believing this is ever going to be more than just what it is... some visits and letters for the relationship, you providing a lot of comfort, and listening, and putting money on books, a lot of fretting and worrying, and a lot of drama added to your life.

If you're up for that, and you feel like this is what you're destined for, then away you go. There are some women that thrive on being needed, providing help, feeling like the underdog, and having a lot of drama to deal with. They want someone to stick up for.

Or maybe you might want to go on dates, go out to dinner, have some physical closeness, and all that.

Go into it with your eyes open. Decide what you want, go for it, and don't look back. Don't complain about the things you'll never have with a LWOP relationship, or complain about your in-home husband not wanting you to write to a pen pal.

You get to choose.

Best of luck
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Old 10-03-2012, 11:19 AM
Itshim4life Itshim4life is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chosenmemories View Post
My husband is serving what amounts to a life sentence. 159 years. If and when he does come home we'll be in our 70's. He was a juvenile as well. I had to ask myself all of the same questions when I first realized I had feelings for him. It is not an easy decision to make and it is good that you are taking the time to reflect on these things beforehand. There are a lot of wonderful things to be shared when you find love with someone, but there are also a great deal of sacrifices you must make as well. My husband and I do not have a "normal" marriage as far as what society deems "normal", but what we do have works for us and we are content. If you and your LO can find a routine that satisfies both of your needs and you are both committed to making it work I think you can find happiness. Definitely take the time to talk it over. Talk about your needs, what you expect from one another in a relationship, your goals and your expectations. Once you have communicated all of this you will be in a better position to make a decision. Best wishes! =)
Thank u n best wishes to u n yours!
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  #7  
Old 10-03-2012, 01:15 PM
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Im in the same boat as you....my story even starts like yours. Its been almost a year since his first letter. I cant say what you should do...but I can say that this is going to be a long road. I wonder myself if Im up for it then I think of how Ive never felt so much for any other person in my past and I dont want to lose this. So Ive decided to just take it day by day and live my life as it comes. It works for the time being!
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Old 10-03-2012, 01:58 PM
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You will never be physically close so would you live like you are now, having great talks, letters, sending money and caring for each other? You can have a marriage and still be close to someone in prison.
Or are you thinking he is enough for the rest of your life?
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Old 10-03-2012, 02:16 PM
Itshim4life Itshim4life is offline
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Originally Posted by Bees' Baby View Post
Im in the same boat as you....my story even starts like yours. Its been almost a year since his first letter. I cant say what you should do...but I can say that this is going to be a long road. I wonder myself if Im up for it then I think of how Ive never felt so much for any other person in my past and I dont want to lose this. So Ive decided to just take it day by day and live my life as it comes. It works for the time being!
I get exactly what u r saying! I have had previous relationships and none have even come close to what I feel now and I have children from my previous relationship! I guess I'm jus scared of the future but like u said one day at a time!!!
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Old 10-03-2012, 02:18 PM
Itshim4life Itshim4life is offline
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Originally Posted by xanthra View Post
You will never be physically close so would you live like you are now, having great talks, letters, sending money and caring for each other? You can have a marriage and still be close to someone in prison.
Or are you thinking he is enough for the rest of your life?
I would like to say he's enough but my fears get in the way for ex. I don't wanna be old and die alone that terrifies me! And jus for the record I have never sent any money and it's been over a year
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Itshim4life View Post
I get exactly what u r saying! I have had previous relationships and none have even come close to what I feel now and I have children from my previous relationship! I guess I'm jus scared of the future but like u said one day at a time!!!
Its def.scary but like the saying goes...Its better to have loved and lost than to live with the regret of never trying or knowing.
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  #12  
Old 10-15-2012, 05:23 PM
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Mine started in a similar way also... Now I couldn't see myself without him period! He asked me why him? Nights ago and I told him why not? Just because he's in a certain situation he thimks he doesn't deserve what men out here do? Which most don't deserbe because of the way theu handle relationships. The communication. Respect for woman cease. I never had a relationship like this ever. The bond. The connection. It's deep. There's a million and more out here but nonw can compare in what we share.
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  #13  
Old 10-18-2012, 10:43 PM
Itshim4life Itshim4life is offline
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Mine started in a similar way also... Now I couldn't see myself without him period! He asked me why him? Nights ago and I told him why not? Just because he's in a certain situation he thimks he doesn't deserve what men out here do? Which most don't deserbe because of the way theu handle relationships. The communication. Respect for woman cease. I never had a relationship like this ever. The bond. The connection. It's deep. There's a million and more out here but nonw can compare in what we share.

you are completely right! i feel the same exact way! good news his case just got picked up because of new laws so pray for him =) fingers crossed!!!!!!!!!!
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