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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 08-27-2012, 11:32 AM
TheDevilsDance TheDevilsDance is offline
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Cool Am I'm crazy for staying?

This site helps me and it is encourging to now I am not alone.

My lifer cheats on me. I thought he was past it, told me that he devoted to me, was coming home to me and that I was that he needed. Other women actually call and try and tell me to leave their husband alone?! LOL. They don't even know he is in prison. They think he is out of state. It is difficult because he tells me that he speaks to them for the variety because of the mundaness of his life everyday, so he is not denying it. He says that they dob't even know who he really is. I do everything from sending letters, sex talk, dirty pictures, cool crads, play music, everything I can to keep things spicy and exciting. It still isn't enough.

I have several issues with it, I know that some of you will "Smash" me for being so stupid but I can't find the will or power to abandon him. I seem to be able to see his twisted side of it and I feel like I'm going crazy. I have and am giving up so much for him. I know that respect is earned but feel that I have earned it... Would you leave? Are any of you dealing with this situation?

I named myself "The Devil's Dance" because the nightmare of what I am going through really seems to be just that. I am blind to the monster that I am in bed with. :-(

I know that I already know the answer to my question. Guess I'm just venting.
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Old 08-27-2012, 11:38 AM
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You asked what I would do....I would leave him alone. First, he cannot respect me enough while in prison there is no way I would think he would ever respect me out of prison. Second, I dictate the way I am treated. If I allow him to treat me in this way then he will and continue to do it. Just not the way I want to live and from someone who cannot give me his all because of circumstances, refuses to give me his all in any other way. Just not the way I would want to be treated.
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Old 08-27-2012, 11:59 AM
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I would leave no doubt about it. People treat you the way you allow them. As long as you allow this he will continue to do it. Forget his reasons behind it, if the man loves you he will treat you like his queen..not walk all over you and forget how you feel. This is not an easy road your sacrificing allot he would do the same if he was truely in the relationship. Keep your head up, and stand up for yourself to him. Good luck
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Old 08-27-2012, 12:02 PM
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Sounds like you haven't had enough of his BS. When you have had enough and when the pain becomes too much for you to bear you will do something different. However you could save yourself alot of heart ache by walking away and leaving him now. He is already showing you what he's about and how he gets down, so why put yourself through it? Love yourself and value yoursrlf to let go.
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Old 08-27-2012, 01:17 PM
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When you are done, you'll know until then you will tolerate it...one of my friends had a man that cheated on her all the time, very blatant affairs...I asked how long are you going to put up with his shi* she said simply "until I can't put up with it anymore" she spent 15 years with him and then one day just left and moved on... when asked what finally made her leave she just said " I took it... until... I couldn't take it"
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Old 08-27-2012, 01:34 PM
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I'm not here to smash you but I do believe you deserve better than this!
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Old 08-27-2012, 01:40 PM
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The part that confuses me is how these women don't know he is in prison... Isn't his address on the letters? Don't they hear the recording when he calls? There is something I am not quite understanding about that.

Anyways, I won't call you "crazy" or tell you whether or not to leave him, because that's a decision you have to make on your own. He openly admits to having outside relationships, flings, or flirtations (or whatever he wants to call them) and he is not being faithful to you... Do you want to be with someone who isn't faithful to you? Yes, his life is mundane in prison, but it's no picnic out here either... This life isn't easy, the person outside makes alot of sacrifice and has many lonely nights. If you're able to remain faithful to him, he is fully capable of being faithful to you as well. The decision is yours, but if I were in your shoes I would stop making excuses for him and tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.
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Old 08-27-2012, 01:56 PM
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I don't think you are crazy, but I think you are trying to get respect from someone who apparently doesn't have any respect for himself! Open your eyes and realize that you are waaaay to good for him. What an ego this dude must have and all the women he's talking to are feeding that big head of his. Don't you think you need to give him a serving of humble pie? Go ahead and get rid of this source of your unhappiness. Time to deflate his ego.
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Old 08-27-2012, 02:29 PM
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You know women that accept these kinds of relationships are not crazy to me, but they do lack self esteem to me. Your grown and you pretty much know what you are dealing with, now if your happy with everything that comes with that then by all means there is no problem. However if you think your going to change him or get kudo points for being his rug your sadly mistaken. He is a lifer why should he change what is he striving for, he has you and sounds like plenty of others. It sounds like your what a I use to be a woman just trying to win a game that has no winners because the so called prize is a loser. It sounded like you was bragging about the other women thinking he is out of state. I hate to tell you the fact that you know where he is and what he is doing make you the fool because they are still playing the game without having all the pieces to the puzzle so i can understand their confusion. You named yourself the Devil's dance and I have heard it many times when you dance with the devil you are sure enough going to end up burned. Good luck with this.

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Originally Posted by TheDevilsDance View Post
This site helps me and it is encourging to now I am not alone.

My lifer cheats on me. I thought he was past it, told me that he devoted to me, was coming home to me and that I was that he needed. Other women actually call and try and tell me to leave their husband alone?! LOL. They don't even know he is in prison. They think he is out of state. It is difficult because he tells me that he speaks to them for the variety because of the mundaness of his life everyday, so he is not denying it. He says that they dob't even know who he really is. I do everything from sending letters, sex talk, dirty pictures, cool crads, play music, everything I can to keep things spicy and exciting. It still isn't enough.

I have several issues with it, I know that some of you will "Smash" me for being so stupid but I can't find the will or power to abandon him. I seem to be able to see his twisted side of it and I feel like I'm going crazy. I have and am giving up so much for him. I know that respect is earned but feel that I have earned it... Would you leave? Are any of you dealing with this situation?

I named myself "The Devil's Dance" because the nightmare of what I am going through really seems to be just that. I am blind to the monster that I am in bed with. :-(

I know that I already know the answer to my question. Guess I'm just venting.
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Old 08-27-2012, 02:36 PM
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Well said Klewis! No woman should allowed herself to be treated this way we need to hold ourselfs with the up most respect and not accept anything less!
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Old 08-27-2012, 02:39 PM
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I'm married to my inmate and if he tried me like that I would be gone. My ex did it to me and the moment I found out I left that 6 yr relationship and NEVER looked back. You deserve so much better but like others have said you haven't had enough but when you have trust me nothing will keep u with him . Best of luck hun we r here for u zoxo
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Old 08-27-2012, 02:53 PM
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I think that the next time someone calls for him, calls him her husband, I'd tell her that she can have him, you'll start divorce proceedings immediately, should I forward the papers to her so she can take them to him at a visit. That way she can have him sign them right there and she'll know . . .
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Old 08-27-2012, 04:06 PM
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By the way how do they have your phone number?!?????
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Old 08-27-2012, 05:47 PM
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You're not crazy, you just need to love yourself more & love him less. You will only dig a deeper hole for yourself. Change your number & move on, we only live once and we all want to be love. You deserve someone who can give you back what you're putting out. JAIL DRAMA... I don't think so!!!
I will hold you in my prayers
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Old 08-27-2012, 06:02 PM
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He's a lifer but he says he's coming home to you and only you? Something is way fishy with that.
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Old 08-27-2012, 09:13 PM
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A lot is fishy here. He is a lifer, he is coming home to no one. They talk to him but don't know he is in prison AND they have your phone number. I smell a game here and I don't appreciate it.
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Old 08-27-2012, 09:34 PM
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If your husband is 21 years into a 15 years to life sentence (from one of your other posts) how is it these women think he's just out of town? Surely when he calls them they understand the recording that let's them know the call is from an inmate at a correctional facility. I'm just sayin'
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Old 08-27-2012, 09:41 PM
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I'm still stuck on how these women have her number he HAD to have given it out ...
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Old 08-27-2012, 11:07 PM
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Women in all actuality want to feel like the most important people on the planet to there men. Does he provide that for you? You deserve that you know? Not feeling inferior or that you're not good enough. Respect yourself better than that. I know all this isnt going to mean a hill of beans until you're ready but I really do wish you much happiness. Let me close with this- if it was you that was running around with other men would your husband sit back and do nothing? Good luck I really hope for the best.
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Old 08-28-2012, 11:16 PM
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I thought I could deal with that, too. Marty has life, and in Florida....that means until you die. It's hard to deny him anything....so, when I came upon her, I let it ride.

Sure did. I even told him I was willing to do this however he saw fit.

Until I couldn't take it any longer. He told on himself five or six times before he made his break. He swears he hasn't had contact for a long time. And, you can just tell when a man feels you and only you. I have actually let my guard down...shhhhhhh!

She was/is a member for a while. She's had two different member names, I gave up 007, too. I don't care. But, I remember.

It's an awful hard thing to go through. Marty told me it was for money and I'm convinced, he knew better than to tell me what yours told you. I would still be gone.

It doesn't matter who, what or why it's still wrong if you aren't digging this, too.

They have your number because he's give it to them. He may have a PO box set up somewhere...someone helping him play them.

The defining point for me was when his brother said, 'Well, there's plan A and plan B.' Then, looked me in the eye and asked, 'Which are you?'.

The suspicion even after it's over (because you don't know if it REALLY is or not) is almost as deadly as the actuality of it all.

This is no different for me than the rest....because I love him has always been my only crime.

When I came to the realization that I was not willing to love a man that could act like that and I was not willing to share my soul with anyone else, that's when I found the courage to walk and I gave him the choice. Me or her.

When and if you get to that point, you'll do the same....but, not until then. Beware though, always be prepared for the worst. I was...and will still walk tomorrow if I catch him with that one, again.

All these other ladies, they mean well but they know not what they would do in the same situation. They may have left his triffling ass before....but, until you are in these shoes with this frame of mind, this kind of time invested, and this kind of time at stake, with your heart and soul layed out in the open like that....you just never know. I'd rather for yall to know everything I've done wrong in my life than to think about tomorrow without him. He's more important than that.

But, I am more important than all that.

Very few will 'get' that, but it's okay.
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Old 09-25-2012, 10:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GDDM1985 View Post
The part that confuses me is how these women don't know he is in prison... Isn't his address on the letters? Don't they hear the recording when he calls? There is something I am not quite understanding about that.

Anyways, I won't call you "crazy" or tell you whether or not to leave him, because that's a decision you have to make on your own. He openly admits to having outside relationships, flings, or flirtations (or whatever he wants to call them) and he is not being faithful to you... Do you want to be with someone who isn't faithful to you? Yes, his life is mundane in prison, but it's no picnic out here either... This life isn't easy, the person outside makes alot of sacrifice and has many lonely nights. If you're able to remain faithful to him, he is fully capable of being faithful to you as well. The decision is yours, but if I were in your shoes I would stop making excuses for him and tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.
Thank you.. he rents time from another person with a cell phone. That's how they are calling him. One time I told the girl who he really was but it was wrose for me. he convinced her I was crazy and was lying. The whole thing is so stupid. All of these posts are so helpful. I'm close, I almost walked away a few weeks ago but didn't have the, excuse the expression... "Balls". I've never been this weak. Lord is wrong with me?!
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Old 09-25-2012, 10:55 PM
TheDevilsDance TheDevilsDance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleSunshine View Post
I'm still stuck on how these women have her number he HAD to have given it out ...
One of the girls called me because when he had a cell phone, he made the mistake of letting her juice up his account directly and searched the history. He didn't think the go phone kept record of the calls. She called other girls and gave out my number to them as well. total drama
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Old 09-25-2012, 11:01 PM
TheDevilsDance TheDevilsDance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShoogaBritches View Post
I thought I could deal with that, too. Marty has life, and in Florida....that means until you die. It's hard to deny him anything....so, when I came upon her, I let it ride.

Sure did. I even told him I was willing to do this however he saw fit.

Until I couldn't take it any longer. He told on himself five or six times before he made his break. He swears he hasn't had contact for a long time. And, you can just tell when a man feels you and only you. I have actually let my guard down...shhhhhhh!

She was/is a member for a while. She's had two different member names, I gave up 007, too. I don't care. But, I remember.

It's an awful hard thing to go through. Marty told me it was for money and I'm convinced, he knew better than to tell me what yours told you. I would still be gone.

It doesn't matter who, what or why it's still wrong if you aren't digging this, too.

They have your number because he's give it to them. He may have a PO box set up somewhere...someone helping him play them.

The defining point for me was when his brother said, 'Well, there's plan A and plan B.' Then, looked me in the eye and asked, 'Which are you?'.

The suspicion even after it's over (because you don't know if it REALLY is or not) is almost as deadly as the actuality of it all.

This is no different for me than the rest....because I love him has always been my only crime.

When I came to the realization that I was not willing to love a man that could act like that and I was not willing to share my soul with anyone else, that's when I found the courage to walk and I gave him the choice. Me or her.

When and if you get to that point, you'll do the same....but, not until then. Beware though, always be prepared for the worst. I was...and will still walk tomorrow if I catch him with that one, again.

All these other ladies, they mean well but they know not what they would do in the same situation. They may have left his triffling ass before....but, until you are in these shoes with this frame of mind, this kind of time invested, and this kind of time at stake, with your heart and soul layed out in the open like that....you just never know. I'd rather for yall to know everything I've done wrong in my life than to think about tomorrow without him. He's more important than that.

But, I am more important than all that.

Very few will 'get' that, but it's okay.
Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. I am still here, knowing what I know.. hanging in there and not knowing why. All along the betrayal and pain is so great that I can't even think at times. Worse for me is that his accomplice is his Mother. She hides them and can't even look me in the eye anymore. I've got to end this... he won't change and I can not throw away my life for someone that doesn't feel the same about me.
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