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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 04-21-2015, 01:33 PM
mickeymouse923 mickeymouse923 is offline
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Default Sexual concerns over bf cheating

Hi,I'm new here. My guy/child's dad is in jail (at the moment on suicide watch) until his court date and might go to prison,not sure yet. We've been together six years,he's been in county for a week.This is going to be TMI possibly.
But I had a quick talk with him the other day. It was our last talk for a while because a different agency involved said I can't communicate with him until they're done.

Mind you,he has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but still. Before this,he did have times where he would talk to other females online only but he stopped after the first email or when he realized I didn't hate him and he never pursued...I guess part of the disorder? He never met up with anyone or attempted to. Because of his issues,he did it when he thought I hated him. We had a period of a couple weeks where we were brutally honest with each other and he said even if we broke up,he couldn't physically be with someone else or it would take a long time because all he would think about is me. He said he mostly encountered fakes anyway,I believe him because I made a fake profile once to see and my goodness it was crazy...I had also been through his emails and stuff a lot without him knowing and he just would stop emailing after one or two replies,real or not. He also had a porn addiction but he said he couldn't even get it up anymore when he watched it,it was like eventually all that could satisfy him was doing things with me.

Before he got in,we were having sex like at least twice a week. It would've been more if his drive was as high as mine,but he said he was connecting with me on a deeper level. Also before he got in,we opened up more sexually and we ended up arguing because of my ignorance...he liked having his rear stimulated but he said he could never be with a man like that. This was said during a real bad argument I caused about his sexuality...I wasn't raised to be open about sex so I automatically assumed if a guy likes his rear messed with that means he's gay. I know better now.He also said that if we broke up,he couldn't say what he'd do because in another universe he could be gay or he could just be drunk forever after losing us,he can't tell the future but he said most likely he wouldn't be with a guy. And that he only wants me.

But he's in jail now due to a charge involving me. There's an order not allowing him to be within a certain range of me until his court date in a little over a month now,and now,due to another agency involved,I can't write letters or conmunicate with him in any way until they're gone. My concern is that while he's there and if he goes to prison...should I just be ok with the thought of him messing with someone sexually? Or even emotionally? That's still cheating.He's been in juvi before and around some odd people but I think he just...messed with himself while there when he needed to. He can whack it all he wants,he's always been fine with that. And then he has a label that could get him beaten up,raped,or both,though he is a very very big and strong man. He told me not to worry about it though...and he said when he gets out,we can both go to get him tested because who knows what and how he can get diseases and stuff and for proof he didn't mess with anyone. And we both know I won't mess with anyone else. I was tested for everything recently because I was in the hospital, I'm clean and he was too apparently because we were having unprotected sex. After this though..back to condoms,regardless.

But yeah...For now,I can't send naughty letters or pictures or do phone stuff...certainly can't have visits. If he is at the breaking point,all he has is imagination. Anyone else concerned about their significant other messing with someone else? I've heard of how some have unspoken consensual things,I've heard that female guards do things, I'm cool with him making a fake toy,sometimes male guards do things,and what about outside women possibly trying to mess with him? I've never understood the MWI thing...I'm just lost because if it's consensual, it's still cheating.

This situation is a concern only if he stays medicated and stays in therapy. If he doesn't get better,I won't worry about this but for now it's a concern.

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Old 04-21-2015, 03:50 PM
mickeymouse923 mickeymouse923 is offline
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To make it short,have any of you been worried about your husbands/boyfriends engaging in sexual or even emotional activities with someone else? Would you still consider it cheating when they're in jail/prison? It's just a fear of mine,I don't think he'd do it.
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Old 04-21-2015, 04:08 PM
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No I don't worry about it. Yes I would consider it cheating. Why is it a fear if you don't think he would do it? I mean why have fears/stress about something that isn't likely to happen? Honestly life is too short to be stressed out like that!
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Old 04-21-2015, 04:22 PM
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Without getting too graphic (since we have the guideline on here about sexual explicitness), men have the prostate back there which can be stimulated and thus feel good. Your man is right in that it doesn't necessarily mean that he'd want a man up there.

What makes you think he'd cheat on you in there? Do you have reason to believe he would, or is this just something you heard about happening? I think you should take a big deep breath in and try not to let these thoughts enter your mind so much otherwise they'll drive you nuts. If it helps, mine is a sex offender who thinks he has a sex addiction and the way I see it is, anything done in the dark will come to the light. The true test will be when he comes back out and faces that temptation again. I just try not to let myself worry about it, because it's a waste of time, I think. If something does happen, again, then I'd be out. I couldn't deal with the emotional betrayal another time.

None of what you wrote makes me feel like there is really any reason to be suspicious of your guy right now. I know on here you'll read many stories where LOs inside cheat on their significant others, either with other men in there or with other women out here or whatnot. I wish I could say it doesn't happen, but we all know it does. Try not to get caught up in those nor let other people's experiences cloud your own. I'm guilty of reading negative situations and wondering if it's happening with us, when really it's not.

You can't allow yourself to get caught up in the what-ifs, because truth be told, you don't have control over the situation. Like I said though, anything done in the dark will come to the light eventually. Keep your eyes open for any red signs and don't go through the relationship in rose-colored glasses either.

Good luck with this journey, and welcome to PTO!!

(Sorry if I didn't help too much, but I hope you at least found some worthy snippet in my post to help!)
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Old 04-22-2015, 02:34 AM
mickeymouse923 mickeymouse923 is offline
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I have fears and stress about it because from what I've known and seen,he doesn't cross the physical line of cheating but he went as far as showing his bits and chatting with people who could have met up. When I talk about it,other people say "Oh,so you seriously think he didn't cross that line?" He's cheated in non-physical ways with his past girlfriends,he admitted but he says while he's with me and even after me he'd feel odd going that far with anyone. I guess part of me is freaking out because I basically got laughed at for saying I believe he never crossed that line. I know 100% he would've left some evidence of it behind,he always did. I'm not going to stress about it too much because everything he did came to the light eventually. So far nothing physical.

You did help actually,maybe I am just being paranoid. But the stuff I've been through with this man ugh. I shouldn't be giving him a last chance after what he did recently but we'll see how he does on meds and what not. He does have the sex offender status though and I started thinking someone would beat him up for it or rape him even though it was a juvi thibg that carried the label into his adulthood.
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Old 04-22-2015, 07:40 AM
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If you were not gay or bi before your went in, you aren't going to want sex from men. You don't turn gay-you either are or you're not. If he does have sex with a man, he was like that all along, even when he was with you. Only a foolish guard is going to risk their job and have sex with an inmate-the lowest men on a relationship totem that you would pick-why would someone with a job risk that-they can have sex with men with jobs who can do things for them on the outside. Your man is not a great a catch and most likely noone wants him. especially if he has mental issues-you might see the good in him, but very few other people are going to want to have sex with him menwise, unless he's gay. I wouldn't worry about that. Other inmates may hook him up with girls to write-which is more liekly.

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Old 04-23-2015, 04:41 AM
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Maybe Im wrong but was his crime against you? I think youve got more to worry about than if he will cheat while in prison.
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Old 04-23-2015, 06:00 AM
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I hate to sound too judgmental, but I'm going to forge ahead and ask anyway. With everything you're saying, it sounds like the reason he is incarcerated is because he harmed you in some way. If that is the case, is your biggest concern right now really if he will cheat/have sex with a man? If it is...should it be?

As others have said, enjoying anal stimulation doesn't make a man gay or bisexual. Sex is about feeling good, and having a bundle of nerves stimulated feels good. Women know this. It doesn't make people question their sexuality if they want THEIR small bundle of nerves played with. Ultimately, you said he wouldn't go through wih the act of cheating on you. If that is true, it doesn't matter where he is. BUT! You act as though his cheating on you hinges on whether or not you are able to send him risqué letters and photos and such. Not to mention, you felt like there was cause for you to through his emails and double what he was telling you, without his knowledge.

I don't know. It seems to me that the break will do the two of you a bit of good.
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Old 04-23-2015, 06:46 AM
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I assume you realize that what you're dealing with is about standard for untreated Borderlines. He is NEVER going to be sure you're not cheating on him, and his hysteria about losing you is normal for Borderlines. It's constant, unrelenting and wearing in the extreme. If he's taken it beyond verbal, then you have a serious issue on your hands that involves your safety and health. That's far more important than his sexual proclivities.

Get yourself to a counselor and find out more about both yourself and his mental health issues. And take advantage of this break to think about whether this is really the way you want to live your life.
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Old 04-26-2015, 02:35 PM
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Yes,the crime was against me. He mentally snapped. Yes,I've joined support groups for dealing with BPDs and i've done my research,I'm in therapy. I'm taking advantage of this break by thinking about everything and I've talked about what to do when he's out and I already have my own plan for it that everyone has agreed with,but of course he doesn't know because we can't talk until this other agency is done. So probably in a couple months. I am aware of everything that has happened and everything that is going on.

He's never actually mentioned a concern about me cheating on him but he kept thinking I would leave him because of "the monster he is", he always called himself that.But yes I know what I'm dealing with,like I said ,based off of the groups and therapy,I've set up a plan and if he doesn't follow with it then everything is done for good.
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Old 04-26-2015, 03:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeymouse923 View Post
I have fears and stress about it because from what I've known and seen,he doesn't cross the physical line of cheating but he went as far as showing his bits and chatting with people who could have met up. When I talk about it,other people say "Oh,so you seriously think he didn't cross that line?" He's cheated in non-physical ways with his past girlfriends,he admitted but he says while he's with me and even after me he'd feel odd going that far with anyone. I guess part of me is freaking out because I basically got laughed at for saying I believe he never crossed that line. I know 100% he would've left some evidence of it behind,he always did. I'm not going to stress about it too much because everything he did came to the light eventually. So far nothing physical.

You did help actually,maybe I am just being paranoid. But the stuff I've been through with this man ugh. I shouldn't be giving him a last chance after what he did recently but we'll see how he does on meds and what not. He does have the sex offender status though and I started thinking someone would beat him up for it or rape him even though it was a juvi thibg that carried the label into his adulthood.
I've learned that if I can't control it, I need to stop stressing about it. If he's a cheater, you don't want him. If he's a cheater, you WILL find out.
He may not have "gone all the way" before, but clearly what he's done is enough to hurt your relationship and break your trust. If anyone is going to be spending energy on this it should be HIM putting effort into earning back your trust. Trust me, I've been there. The sooner you step back and let him show you who he is without losing your mind over it, the better off you'll be.

Also, I just want to reiterate that lots of men like to be stimulated that way because it feels good. That doesn't mean they're attracted to men. Most women enjoy things that they could get from another woman, as well. That doesn't mean we're interested.
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Old 04-29-2015, 08:05 AM
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But if you do, do it with the same sex-get stimulated or however you want it sugar coated-you are bi-sexual-not heterosexual anymore. You can make your mind twisted anyway, but if another of the same sex touches you in a sexual manner-you are not straight. There's nothing wrong with it, but admit what it is for what it is. Truly straight are not interested or would not want someone of the same sex touching them in a sexual manner-feels good or not-it's not going to happen. Bi-sexual, yes, heterosexual, no.
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