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  #1  
Old 04-08-2013, 01:34 PM
ljcinnamon ljcinnamon is offline
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Default Does talking about sex with him bother him?

All the phone contact and visits you can have still doesn't take away the desire to want to be intimate again. Makes it even more frustrating. The waiting. Waiting to be together again in that loving way. So when you're having that moment of weakness and want to talk about sex with him, does he get upset, angry, not want to talk about it? or does he reassure you that you're still desired and he can't wait to be with you. Mine hung up on me because he got mad that he can't have it and he's around a bunch of guys. He made me feel bad about my sexuality. How do you deal with this subject and now I know I can never bring it up again without him getting mad. Another void during our time apart.
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Old 04-08-2013, 01:50 PM
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He's complete opposite and would talk about it constantly if I allowed. I'm the one that gets testy and changes the subject.
Communicate to him that its still important for you to express your desires to him. Maybe ask if you can write about it instead?
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:14 PM
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He absolutely made it positive he doesn't want to hear about it. I have a high sex drive and he knows this. I just wanted to have a little fun with him on the phone and he wasn't having it, then the hang up. I talked to him today about it and he just told me to "go have fun." He made me feel like I was wrong for being sexual and that something is wrong with me for behaving like that. Also, it made me feel like he was pushing me away when he said "go have fun." in his mind, he;s preparing himself to be gone for at least a year and I feel he's becoming distant emtionally on purpose. Yet he NEEDS me without a doubt for the legal aspect of it and someone to talk to for sure. We had something special before he went in, but everything seems to be falling apart. I talk to him 3 times a day and visit him 3 times a week and you can tell there is an emotional barrier around him now. No, I don't feel like I can write about it either. He hasn't touched that subject himself. It's very confusing because we were always intimate before he went away. (Of course I was the one instigating it all the time)
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Old 04-08-2013, 04:16 PM
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With the comment 'go have fun,' it sounds like he expects you to go elsewhere for your 'needs.' You need to try and communicate about what's going on and how you're feeling. If there is no communication, what kind of relationship is it really? I wouldn't want to stay around for only the legal aspect of everything, and just to occupy his time. You have needs too and he wont be able to meet those needs unless you lay it all out there and tell him how you're feeling.
To answer your question, Branden doesn't get upset whenever I talk about it. Branden brings it up, sometimes at the wrong times so I have to put my foot down but we have an active sex life...even if it is through a phone
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:19 PM
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Try to look at things from his point of view. He knows what y'all had before he was locked up. He's probably frustrated as hell right now because he knows that he can't take care of your physical needs. A man has a tendency to feel less than a man when he can't give his woman what she needs, especially in the bedroom.

My husband and I don't talk about sex much. It's not because we don't desire one another, but we figure why torture one another.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:22 PM
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Maybe we are old birds, but we don't talk about it. We know it is not possible right now, so there is no need to get all excited for nothing.

He would not get mad at me, if I were to bring it up! IMO, your guy is just being an asshat and needs to release somehow. Afterall, it is NOT our fault they have to go without.

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Old 04-08-2013, 05:32 PM
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Originally Posted by ljcinnamon View Post
He absolutely made it positive he doesn't want to hear about it. I have a high sex drive and he knows this. I just wanted to have a little fun with him on the phone and he wasn't having it, then the hang up. I talked to him today about it and he just told me to "go have fun." He made me feel like I was wrong for being sexual and that something is wrong with me for behaving like that. Also, it made me feel like he was pushing me away when he said "go have fun." in his mind, he;s preparing himself to be gone for at least a year and I feel he's becoming distant emtionally on purpose. Yet he NEEDS me without a doubt for the legal aspect of it and someone to talk to for sure. We had something special before he went in, but everything seems to be falling apart. I talk to him 3 times a day and visit him 3 times a week and you can tell there is an emotional barrier around him now. No, I don't feel like I can write about it either. He hasn't touched that subject himself. It's very confusing because we were always intimate before he went away. (Of course I was the one instigating it all the time)
After reading this post of yours, I believe you need to be a little more understanding of his situation. He cannot please you physically and so he is feeling like with the time he has to do, you will get it somewhere else. I kind of wonder if you will, because you stated you are a very "sexual" person, so are you going to be able to be manogomous while he is away?

Again, he is feeling pissed at himself for putting you in this situation to begin with and now you are talking about sex, which he cannot give you? What is he supposed to do? I guess he could have said, he loves you and cannot wait to rock your world when this is all said and done, but he is reacting without thinking.

If you are/were the one instigating sex all the time, do you really want to do that again? Or maybe you should find someone who is more compatible with you in the bedroom? And, you sound kind of self-obsorbed when you state "yes, he NEEDS me without a doubt". ANYONE can be replaced, so I would not get too high and mighty. I am not trying to be a bitch, just stating my opinion and feelings on your situation.

Hope you can find a happy medium..somehow, someway!

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Old 04-08-2013, 06:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InmateLover67
Maybe we are old birds, but we don't talk about it. We know it is not possible right now, so there is no need to get all excited for nothing.

He would not get mad at me, if I were to bring it up! IMO, your guy is just being an asshat and needs to release somehow. Afterall, it is NOT our fault they have to go without.

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Mostly my husband and I do the phone sex thing but sometimes he gets a fart in his head that we can't have sex so we should not talk about such things and I am a delinquent for thinking so then he calls again and cries that I am not thinking about him sexually.... Sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don't

But I understand what your man is saying and if this is the beginning for you it will be hard just hang in there!!!
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Old 04-08-2013, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by InmateLover67 View Post
After reading this post of yours, I believe you need to be a little more understanding of his situation. He cannot please you physically and so he is feeling like with the time he has to do, you will get it somewhere else. I kind of wonder if you will, because you stated you are a very "sexual" person, so are you going to be able to be manogomous while he is away?
I have to disagree with this. Sebastian can give me great pleasure even from a distance. It is a regular part of our life and for those out there who may be reading but not posting, understand that each couple is unique in the level of shared intimacy. You may feel as the above poster does or you may be more like me, or somewhere in between. For those that are unsure. Communication is key.

To the OP. You have needs and I think it is unfortunate that he is unwilling to help you to fulfill them. What I find even more disturbing though, is that you say you cannot even bring it up again without him getting mad. That is no way to live. I cannot begin to conceive of a subject that would ever be off limits between my man and I, no matter what it is. People will treat you any old way if you let them get away with it. Please don't, life's too short. If it were me, I'd be doing a lot of soul searching and he'd be hearing whatever I felt I needed to say. Remember it takes two to make a relationship.
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Old 04-08-2013, 06:49 PM
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my man and i have great phone sex, he will talk about it all the time too, i also get testy and change the subject at times not to often though
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Old 04-12-2013, 09:06 AM
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Mine would talk about it for hours if you let him..which I dont. when I'm just not in the mood to talk, I tell him to talk about other things...and thankfully he doesn't get annoyed... just accepts that its not the right time for it.

I think your man might be a little insecure that you being all 'excited; might lead you to cheat? Or perhaps he is so used to satisfying you, and is no longer able to and is feeling annoyed about that? There are many reasons...perhaps you should ask him why in a letter, and let him know how that makes you feel.
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Old 04-12-2013, 09:51 AM
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I'm not trying to be smart, but this is the first time I've heard of an incarcerated man reacting that way. I can't get my guy to shut up about it. Anyway, communication is important. Hanging up because you don't want to discuss something isn't the answer. You should be able to express yourself freely with your love without fear of him getting upset. JMO. Take care.
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Old 04-12-2013, 09:32 PM
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Jeremy and I tell each other everything...we may occasionally miss some of the day to day details due to time restrictions on the phone but we ALWAYS make it a point to share our feelings beit sexual or other wise
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Old 04-12-2013, 10:47 PM
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we have phone sex often and no our calls have never been cut off. I know everybody is different in how they handle the situation. communication is the key. we also write dirty letters. I have to have in my opinion your man should be considerate of what your going through too. its about you too.
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Old 04-13-2013, 02:41 AM
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I find it hard not to bring up sex when we talk and on our weekly visits i damn near cant help myself being that hes right in front in me, sometimes i forget where i am, and the fact that an old lady might be sitting beside me with her dear old son and hear i am talking as dirty as i possibly can.... so sad but i miss the intimacy between me and him so thats the closest i can get to it, is by talking about it. He actually enjoys it, if anything he would probably think something was wrong if I didnt bring it up
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Old 04-13-2013, 07:33 AM
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We have great phone sex and both of us always manage to find something the other one said and make it dirty lol! We miss each other like crazy but we keep each other satified..we write erotic letters and talk dirty on the phone and have never been cut off..I understand that sometimes the calls are monitored and recorded but we do what we do to help each other.
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Old 04-13-2013, 07:56 AM
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We honestly don't really talk about sex on the phone. We normally use that 15 minutes to talk about life, the kids, family and anything else. We keep the dirty talk for letters. But he is OK with that. It reassures him that I am here and waiting. If I were to bring sex up on the phone he would definitely not change the conversation though!!!
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:01 AM
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I'll make subtle references to our bedroom activities, not every call but once every few days or so, and he will chuckle good-naturedly but won't really respond aside from saying, oh yes hun. I tell you what though, that chuckle from him with everything that's going on is one of the best sounds in the world. He says I'm in a lot of 'trouble' when he gets out, and those words give me delightful shivers.
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:13 AM
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That's a difficult thing to go through. i have to agree with whoever posted intimacy is between the two involved. I'm just now having phone contact with my man, so basically we do a lil fun flirting on the phone. But we have had very intimate letters back and forth to each other. We do have the agreement that if one isn't "feeling" it, not to force it. It works well for us. The "go have fun" comment would bother me, but there is a strong possibility he is highly frustrated. Try to communicate when the time feels right. It's something you can get through if you both state your feelings without feeling pressured..
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Old 04-14-2013, 07:00 PM
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Like I said, I talked to him abut it and i agree with few posters, he is frustrated and probably feels insecure and that I'll go take care of my needs somewhere else. I don't need to do that. I am a very sexual person but I don't need to cheat. There's other things to do ladies! He almost didn't let me by a detachable shower head when we went shopping a while back. So i guess if he can get jealous over a shower head.......then i can see why he could get so frustrated because he's in there and i'm out here. Thanks everyone.
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Old 04-14-2013, 07:06 PM
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Erhm yes and no. I have to be careful with how I say it...I have to say things like I want HIM or I miss how HE used to do...or I want to do this to HIM not I want sex or I need sex ect. ect. He picks up on little things like that and runs with them. Right now our visits are still behind glass so when I see him I occassionally tell him how sexy he is and how I wish I could do little things to him to make him still feel desired. He actually responds PRETTY well...its a few times he actually showed me how well he was responding when we didnt have people beside us (if you catch my drift ) As long as I keep it completely directed towards him he doesnt mind...
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Old 04-14-2013, 07:17 PM
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Yeah, i understand that. I direct everything towards him, well...when i tried to talk to him about sex, He said "he can't have it right now, and doesn't want to think about it because he's around a bunch of guys all the time." i guess he's in shut down mode. so i'll stick to mushy romantic talk i guess.
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Old 04-14-2013, 10:20 PM
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I just saw my guy Friday night, so when he called today I mentioned his kisses still turn me on. He's like, oh? and I said yeah - I got out my new toy after our visit... he says "Babe, QUIT, I still have to walk back to the dorm, can't be thinking about that!". LOL He is in no way intimidated, as long as he knows I'm not looking for another man : ) Our letters get somewhat personal from time to time too.
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Old 04-14-2013, 11:03 PM
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J and I are very sexual. He tends to want to talk about it the most but I do my fair share also. I have been in a "dry spell" you could say due to phone restrictions and I am becoming very sexually frustrated. I am sure he is too. Sure I take care of myself without him but it is definitely different without him. As others have stated you need to open your mouth and communicate your needs and desires. I have never felt I couldn't tell J anything and I couldn't imagine having to talk on egg shells especially about something so natural.
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Old 04-15-2013, 08:35 AM
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My guy is the opposite cause we go into great detail about sex over the phone and in letters and never had a problem. Have done phone sex quite a few times and never had a call disconnected. Used to do it pretty regularly when we talked daily, but now that we can only talk weekly we save it for our letters.
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