Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > LOVING A... > Loving a Violent Offender
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-20-2019, 12:16 PM
KEtherton KEtherton is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 15
Thanks: 2
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
Default Tired of Everyone Telling me He's Bad

I know he's a violent offender, but I don't believe for a second that he's abusive. Yet my friends have told me I'll end up "raped, beaten, and dumped over a bridge." How can I tell them to butt out of my life and relationship. They don't know him at all. They just assume they do.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 03-20-2019, 12:29 PM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: NC & Germany
Posts: 3,995
Thanks: 3,729
Thanked 4,346 Times in 1,811 Posts
Default

They can just zip it because in one of your last posts you mentioned he’s going away for a long time – 35 years. He won’t be able to do anything to you.
So....
In this case it’s important that you feel good in your relationship and you feel safe and comfortable. It’s your life and you have to deal with the distance and abandonment and being lonely for a freaking long time.
How do you feel?
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-20-2019, 12:32 PM
KEtherton KEtherton is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 15
Thanks: 2
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
Default

I feel like... I love him. I trust him. I know who he really is. I make no excuses for what he did. But I know who he is and how much regret he carries for it. And I refuse to give up.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-20-2019, 01:57 PM
kellydavid410's Avatar
kellydavid410 kellydavid410 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Greece
Posts: 400
Thanks: 291
Thanked 99 Times in 71 Posts
Default

I can totally relate to this. I get the same response but I just don't care. I love him and he loves me and I trust him more than I trust myself. Your heart won't lie to you. If you feel safe then you are
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-20-2019, 03:16 PM
KEtherton KEtherton is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 15
Thanks: 2
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
Default

Thank you for that.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to KEtherton For This Useful Post:
kellydavid410 (03-20-2019)
  #6  
Old 03-20-2019, 04:42 PM
Ricoluv29 Ricoluv29 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Arizona
Posts: 151
Thanks: 98
Thanked 93 Times in 55 Posts
Default

Depends on the person you are really.
Some can be straight up with people, some blow up rudely, some come up with a nice way to brush off the topic.
If its become to much though Id stop them in there tracks and tell them they need to keep there thoughts of him to themselves.


I had an issue with my friend not liking my man and anytime he was brought up she would just trash talk him so I've learned to never speak of him to her again.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-20-2019, 04:57 PM
KEtherton KEtherton is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 15
Thanks: 2
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
Default

I think I'm going to have to do the same thing. I tried to tell my friend I was done with the conversation, and she kept going. She was rude and I know she's worried about me, but at the same time this is my life and my choice. Let me make it.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-20-2019, 11:39 PM
KiwiPP KiwiPP is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 193
Thanks: 556
Thanked 269 Times in 120 Posts
Default

I had a similar issue talking about my man to a ‘friend’ on the weekend. I found her condescending nature and judgement laughable, knowing full well she’s stuck in a miserable marriage she can’t wait to get out of once the kids are old enough. Her words not mine. Funny how that works huh
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to KiwiPP For This Useful Post:
Sarianna (03-21-2019), Taliba00 (03-22-2019)
  #9  
Old 03-21-2019, 01:57 AM
marco1969's Avatar
marco1969 marco1969 is online now
Certified Recluse
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 267
Thanks: 697
Thanked 302 Times in 157 Posts
Default

I think it depends on what he is in for as well, and his history. If he is convicted of violence against a loved one, a girlfriend or family member, it most definitely is time for you to run. Or if his cime was anger/revenge related. Same for if he has a very volatile temper and anger issues even without it leading to a conviction.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to marco1969 For This Useful Post:
maytayah (03-21-2019), mojook (05-27-2019), yuliya1991 (04-12-2019)
  #10  
Old 03-21-2019, 03:46 AM
kellydavid410's Avatar
kellydavid410 kellydavid410 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Greece
Posts: 400
Thanks: 291
Thanked 99 Times in 71 Posts
Default

I don't agree with you. My man was convicted of murder and it was a girlfriend but there are so many issues in between. I trust him and know he would never hurt me regardless of what he did. Love is unconditional. I am not afraid of him and in no way will I run for something he did 10 years ago. It all comes down to the person he is
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kellydavid410 For This Useful Post:
KiwiPP (03-21-2019), Ricoluv29 (03-21-2019)
  #11  
Old 03-21-2019, 04:09 AM
KiwiPP KiwiPP is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 193
Thanks: 556
Thanked 269 Times in 120 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kellydavid410 View Post
I don't agree with you. My man was convicted of murder and it was a girlfriend but there are so many issues in between. I trust him and know he would never hurt me regardless of what he did. Love is unconditional. I am not afraid of him and in no way will I run for something he did 10 years ago. It all comes down to the person he is
Agree. Since when were those convicted of murder only able to be rehabilitated if it wasn’t a loved one, girlfriend or family member? That logic is seriously flawed, alienating for the women on here in that situation, and highly disappointing to see under the “loving a violent offender” sub forum on a support website.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-21-2019, 04:33 AM
kellydavid410's Avatar
kellydavid410 kellydavid410 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Greece
Posts: 400
Thanks: 291
Thanked 99 Times in 71 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KiwiPP View Post
Agree. Since when were those convicted of murder only able to be rehabilitated if it wasn’t a loved one, girlfriend or family member? That logic is seriously flawed, alienating for the women on here in that situation, and highly disappointing to see under the “loving a violent offender” sub forum on a support website.
I just think it all depends. I agree that if it's a continuous thing and he has been convicted many times for violence then he only knows how to deal with situations in violence most likely. It all really comes down to the person. Not all violent offenders are violent.It's just my opinion anyway
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to kellydavid410 For This Useful Post:
MizzyMuffling (03-21-2019)
  #13  
Old 03-21-2019, 09:06 AM
miamac's Avatar
miamac miamac is offline
Site Moderator Gone Mad on leave

Staff Superstar Winner PTO Site Moderator 

 

Join Date: May 2013
Location: ORnativeAZresCAtied
Posts: 10,895
Thanks: 14,667
Thanked 21,582 Times in 7,655 Posts
Default

I'm guessing here, but I think Marco was referring to a history of domestic violence. I happen to agree. Domestic violence differs from stranger-stranger circumstances, hence the whole tassel of laws specific to DV that are designed to protect potential future victims (or re-victimization).

My husband has an attempted murder charge stemming from a fight with a rival gang member. Does that upset my sense of safety with him? No. It's been 17+ years, he's worked very hard to understand what encouraged him to normalize violence in his life and what to do differently. However, if that victim had been his gf/wife, it would give me pause. Not that a person couldn't also take steps to better understand their behaviour, but statistically, the odds are not in your favor compared to a "one-off" act of violence.

I don't know the OPs situation beyond what's in this thread so I'll just say this generally:
Being a violent offender, or having that label, doesn't make you unlovable. Him having a long sentence does offer you a great deal of protection from physical violence if that were ever to be an issue. That said, it's rare the DV starts with the physical. The same thinking that allows a person to physically harm a loved one also encourages manipulative and deceptive behaviour that can be equally as damaging. It's worth being vigilant about boundaries and listening to your gut.
Reply With Quote
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to miamac For This Useful Post:
Cleopatra95 (03-28-2019), kellydavid410 (03-21-2019), keywii (03-21-2019), marco1969 (03-21-2019), maytayah (05-27-2019), MizzyMuffling (03-21-2019), mojook (05-27-2019), Sarianna (03-21-2019), Taliba00 (03-22-2019), WeepingWillow (03-21-2019), yuliya1991 (04-12-2019)
  #14  
Old 03-21-2019, 09:29 AM
KEtherton KEtherton is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 15
Thanks: 2
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
Default

I definitely agree about listening to my gut, but I know him. He'd never hurt me. I trust him completely. I've been able to be open in a way I never have been with anyone before. There are extenuating factors to what he did and why he did it, and I understand that. Being high clouds your judgement, as an addict in recovery I know this. But I trust him bone deep.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to KEtherton For This Useful Post:
kellydavid410 (03-21-2019)
  #15  
Old 03-21-2019, 11:15 AM
Ricoluv29 Ricoluv29 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Arizona
Posts: 151
Thanks: 98
Thanked 93 Times in 55 Posts
Default

Well focusing on the purpose of your post - No one knows him like you do. No one will ever understand why you love someone with an ugly history. Whether he had hurt a loved one before or not. You believe in your heart and mind he wont hurt you.

Just don't speak of him to them if they cant seem to respect that you don't need there negative judgement from them cause they clearly don't know him. And for the friends that just continue to voice there opinion when you tell them to stop, Id walk away. But that's just me. I remove any negativity from my life no matter who it is.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Ricoluv29 For This Useful Post:
kellydavid410 (03-21-2019), KEtherton (03-21-2019)
  #16  
Old 03-21-2019, 11:36 AM
KEtherton KEtherton is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 15
Thanks: 2
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
Default

Thank you. You are very right.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to KEtherton For This Useful Post:
kellydavid410 (03-21-2019)
  #17  
Old 03-21-2019, 02:44 PM
marco1969's Avatar
marco1969 marco1969 is online now
Certified Recluse
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 267
Thanks: 697
Thanked 302 Times in 157 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by miamac View Post
I'm guessing here, but I think Marco was referring to a history of domestic violence.
Yes, that is mostly what I meant. Violent crime, even murder, doesn't necessarily preclude a solid and safe romantic relationship and family life, but a history of domestic violence absolutely does imo. And a history of 'random' volatile or angry flare ups too, even if not specifically directed to a partner or family member.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to marco1969 For This Useful Post:
kellydavid410 (03-21-2019), Sarianna (03-22-2019), Taliba00 (03-22-2019)
  #18  
Old 03-21-2019, 02:58 PM
kellydavid410's Avatar
kellydavid410 kellydavid410 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Greece
Posts: 400
Thanks: 291
Thanked 99 Times in 71 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by marco1969 View Post
Yes, that is mostly what I meant. Violent crime, even murder, doesn't necessarily preclude a solid and safe romantic relationship and family life, but a history of domestic violence absolutely does imo. And a history of 'random' volatile or angry flare ups too, even if not specifically directed to a partner or family member.
I get it. I agree with you
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 03-21-2019, 08:31 PM
keywii's Avatar
keywii keywii is offline
Strength Keeps Me Going
 

Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: On A Rocket
Posts: 273
Thanks: 207
Thanked 263 Times in 138 Posts
Default

Personally, people going to always talk and have an opinion about who you decide to date. You have the ones that support your decision and the ones that don't! That's something that will forever be apart of a negative or positive opinion. It's nothing one can do about it "judgment" will forever happen regardless if it's a friend, family member or a stranger. Just have to grow thicker skin that's all. You like what you like and love who you love. Your mind has been already made up on being with this guy. So, you can't worry about what others think! This your life and choice!! If you don't want to hear the different opinions of others that don't support your choice then don't speak of your relationship with them. It doesn't stop them from talking and disagreeing. People going to talk and judge that's life my dear. Regardless of what type of past your partner has someone will be talking about it.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to keywii For This Useful Post:
kellydavid410 (03-22-2019)
  #20  
Old 04-12-2019, 06:24 PM
yuliya1991's Avatar
yuliya1991 yuliya1991 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: westchester
Posts: 203
Thanks: 124
Thanked 246 Times in 105 Posts
Default

No one can "know" someone won't hurt them, no one has objective knowledge of the future and someone's future actions. But what we do know (or should...) is that the past predicts the future. Plus if knowing someone you love is going to be locked up gives you some form of relief /safety from the prospect of them hurting you, is that really someone you want in your life? Especially so close to you? Do you have children? If so, use your head and put them first.

If he can lay hands on, or even KILL a girlfriend, you're blindly endangering your life. Abusers aren't some lost puppies you can just fix. They're adults who know damn well what they're doing.

To keep it simple... run. Love yourself more than that, you deserve to.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to yuliya1991 For This Useful Post:
mojook (05-27-2019), Sarianna (05-18-2019)
  #21  
Old 05-27-2019, 06:16 AM
BryanNCarlyn BryanNCarlyn is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: California
Posts: 7
Thanks: 2
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by keywii View Post
Personally, people going to always talk and have an opinion about who you decide to date. You have the ones that support your decision and the ones that don't! That's something that will forever be apart of a negative or positive opinion. It's nothing one can do about it "judgment" will forever happen regardless if it's a friend, family member or a stranger. Just have to grow thicker skin that's all. You like what you like and love who you love. Your mind has been already made up on being with this guy. So, you can't worry about what others think! This your life and choice!! If you don't want to hear the different opinions of others that don't support your choice then don't speak of your relationship with them. It doesn't stop them from talking and disagreeing. People going to talk and judge that's life my dear. Regardless of what type of past your partner has someone will be talking about it.
I totally agree with you on everything you said people in your life will judge that "so called" bad person in your life, I've gone through it for 3 years just with my kids andup until now 3 of my 4 kids understand my situation with the one I love, and maybe because they see how happy I am with him is all that matters, hoping my 4th child will see it too. But it's true if your love is strong and solid screw what everyone else thinks!!!! It's your happiness!!! �� I'm new on here, looking for support myself
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to BryanNCarlyn For This Useful Post:
keywii (05-27-2019)
  #22  
Old 05-27-2019, 09:03 AM
fbopnomore fbopnomore is offline
Site Moderator

PTO Site Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 28,707
Thanks: 45,293
Thanked 21,901 Times in 12,648 Posts
Default

Welcome to Prison Talk. You will receive much support in our forums.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 05-27-2019, 10:08 AM
Sarianna's Avatar
Sarianna Sarianna is offline
Midnight Sun Moderator

PTO Site Moderator 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Swinging from the chandelier
Posts: 3,261
Thanks: 16,538
Thanked 4,577 Times in 2,004 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuliya1991 View Post
No one can "know" someone won't hurt them, no one has objective knowledge of the future and someone's future actions. But what we do know (or should...) is that the past predicts the future. Plus if knowing someone you love is going to be locked up gives you some form of relief /safety from the prospect of them hurting you, is that really someone you want in your life?
Without having an opinion on the OP's/others' relationship...this comment is one of the best posts I've seen in my five years in this community
__________________


Last edited by Sarianna; 05-28-2019 at 12:01 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sarianna For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (05-27-2019)
  #24  
Old 05-27-2019, 01:55 PM
kellydavid410's Avatar
kellydavid410 kellydavid410 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Greece
Posts: 400
Thanks: 291
Thanked 99 Times in 71 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by yuliya1991 View Post
No one can "know" someone won't hurt them, no one has objective knowledge of the future and someone's future actions. But what we do know (or should...) is that the past predicts the future. Plus if knowing someone you love is going to be locked up gives you some form of relief /safety from the prospect of them hurting you, is that really someone you want in your life? Especially so close to you? Do you have children? If so, use your head and put them first.



If he can lay hands on, or even KILL a girlfriend, you're blindly endangering your life. Abusers aren't some lost puppies you can just fix. They're adults who know damn well what they're doing.



To keep it simple... run. Love yourself more than that, you deserve to.
No one can know someone as you said even if they haven't hurt a girlfriend for example. I completely trust him and I feel completely safe with him although he did hurt a girlfriend years ago. I love him regardless of what he has done and it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to run from everyone. Some people may act under specific circumstances and you really don't even know how you would act in similar situations. Someone he is a repeated offender is a sign to run. I just don't like judging people for what they have done. I am perfectly happy in my relationship and there was no reason to run and I will not run. I know all situations are different and I'm speaking only for myself. I guess you need to follow your gut and not your heart
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Tired of people telling me not to be with my MWI Mate ryansbabe11 Met While Incarcerated 12 10-01-2011 11:15 AM
Tired of being sick and tired.....im a mess! ttopjenn29 Texas General Prison Talk 17 09-25-2007 12:39 PM
Ever realize your really tired of breaking up to make up, ever really get tired of it beeber PTO Lounge 7 06-28-2005 07:56 PM
Tired of waiting, tired of being alone..... redphoenixx Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison 15 10-08-2004 06:21 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:59 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics