Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > U.S. REGIONAL FORUMS > CALIFORNIA > California General Prison Talk
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

California General Prison Talk Topics & Discussions relating to Prison & the Criminal Justice System in California that do not fit into any other California subforum.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-06-2006, 02:00 PM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default Providing loved ones too much?

How many of you out there feel that, by sending your loved one too much money or too many things, you are enabling them or perhaps making their jail time too easy.

It's certainly not about the money, it's really about wanting my loved one to want to begin working on having a good life once she's released. I'm just thinking that if her time spent in jail makes her realize that she doen't ever want to be back in jail, maybe she would begin to get a new perspective on what's possible for her once she's released. That is, having experienced some hard time and having been deprived of her freedoms and comforts, she would realize that life is short and that life can be so much more than she has given herself so far.

Anyway, just a thought. I'm interested in what you guys think.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 06-06-2006, 08:51 PM
C Grams C Grams is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: California, US
Posts: 219
Thanks: 57
Thanked 43 Times in 17 Posts
Default

I'm with you on this. My son is now in Norco and is able to have more things, including a TV. I am not going to send him one. I am not as generous with the money as I used to be either.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-07-2006, 05:00 AM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Yeh I know what you mean. There is still denial going on with her. This is her first time in prison and I'm hoping she'll just come out having changed her attitude a bit.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-07-2006, 10:55 AM
jenabees jenabees is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Torrance, Ca
Posts: 1
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

My friend is in CMCW in San Luis Obispo and he doesn't even concider it a real prison. When he got arrested the first time he went to county and became a trustee. So it wasn't that bad he said. Now over at CMC he gets alot of freedom. His grandmother sends him lots of money and he buys his food and shampoos, ect. I don't think he actually realizes the severity of the situation. I live over 3 and a 1/2 hours from where he is and he wants me to visit every weekend!!!! Mind you, I spend around $120 in gas for the trip. Ya, I think he is a little too pampered and doesn't appreciate all we do for him.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-08-2006, 05:18 AM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

That's exactly the problem I'm talking about. I do not want to give too much. People differ on the reason for incarceration: is it for deterrence, retribution, or rehabilitation? I believe it ought to be rehabilitation. And it would be hard to rehabilitate someone if he/she doesn't really experience what prison is supposed to be like. In fact, in some ways, providing a loved one with too much may be a disservice to him/her b/c it's just another way of enabling.

Last edited by Det.Bookman; 06-08-2006 at 05:20 AM..
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-09-2006, 07:01 PM
drenabugg drenabugg is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 882
Thanks: 6
Thanked 66 Times in 61 Posts
Default

I love my fiance and give him everything he NEEDS (not wants).
I believe it just depends on the person and whether or not they want to change. I do agree that sometimes showing them tough love is the way to go and if that means not giving them what they want and need to change so be it.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-09-2006, 07:33 PM
JS_Leon_0169 JS_Leon_0169 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: United States, CA
Posts: 84
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

I totally believe in tough love..100% and ive been doing that with my fiancee. and it seems to be working with him..but also i dont want him husteling in prison and doing what he can to come up..cuz i want him to be a legit. person..so i send him what he NEEDS and a few luxury items so he knows he has help,someone who loves him, and he can do things the rite way..i agree it depends on the person tho..he used to steal bc he had nothing and nobody..but now that im helping a little hes not being scandelous at all..he dosent feel the need..so i guess it really just depends..
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-09-2006, 07:44 PM
myhusbandswifey's Avatar
myhusbandswifey myhusbandswifey is offline
My husband is home....
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: San Bernardino, CA
Posts: 1,866
Thanks: 0
Thanked 33 Times in 19 Posts
Default

My husband was in prison before so once this time came up he said he knew what to do. He would try to work in a kitchen so he could eat. He does very well with his funds as far as stretching them. We have not yet gotten to the point of his TV & so on, but I think he will handle it well and not need too much as when he was ther before, he did his 3 yrs completely alone, so he will appreciate what he gets now!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-13-2006, 09:37 AM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by drenabugg
I love my fiance and give him everything he NEEDS (not wants).
I believe it just depends on the person and whether or not they want to change. I do agree that sometimes showing them tough love is the way to go and if that means not giving them what they want and need to change so be it.
I agree. That's really the issue, isn't it: whether they want to change. If they do not, then they really havn't realized that not much is going to change insofar as their life is concerned. Prison won't be a one time, life-altering and learning experience (sounds corny I know ); but if that's the case, then prison will just be a place where they will be again and again. And despite how much I may love the person, and despite how much I want her by my side, I'm just not going to tolerate, much more be with, a person who uses the prison gates as a constant revolving door.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JS_Leon_0169
...but also i dont want him husteling in prison and doing what he can to come up..cuz i want him to be a legit. person...
That was one of my concerns too. It does depend and I guess it's a balance between giving them what they need and not making it too easy. Like many of your loved ones, my ex also never had much or anyone who genuinely loved her. So I do want her to know that there are people in the world who are decent and who do not have an agenda.

I often find myself having to resist the urge to just say, f**k it, send her everything because I know it would make her happy for the moment. And the urge is very difficult to resist especially because her problems really turned for the worse when I finally had to end the romantic part of our relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-13-2006, 05:03 PM
FaithHeals's Avatar
FaithHeals FaithHeals is offline
Member of the 2018 club
 

Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Palmdale, CA
Posts: 459
Thanks: 21
Thanked 92 Times in 40 Posts
Default

For me, I don't mind giving my husband what he needs or wants, for a couple of reasons. First, he's genuinely thankful and appreciative of what I can do, and never expects or demands anything from me. I don't go without, or make our children go without so that I can send him packages, and he would be extremely upset with me if I ever did.

Second, believe me, nothing in that prison could be worse punishment for him than knowing that he's losing 13 years of his children growing up, and 13 years of our life together. He is not one that's going to be back there again, I have no doubt of that, so I don't feel that he has a "lesson to learn" in there. Believe me, he's already learned it, and will keep learning it just by being separated from us. So if I can do something to make the time pass a little easier for him, like sending him a tv, or sending him some snacks that he likes, then I'm happy to do it because I love him, and because for my husband, a few extra amenities from me isn't going to make it any less of a punishment.

Stephanie
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 06-14-2006, 01:44 AM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithHeals
...nothing in that prison could be worse punishment for him than knowing that he's losing 13 years of his children growing up, and 13 years of our life together.
I've just been thinking about how you guys do it with loved ones who face years, not months, in prison. My ex, lets just call her "Jen", has been locked up since March of this year and will most likely be out by the end of the year. My point here is that I know that, the longer the time they face, the more they'll suffer.

Because Jen faces but a few months, not having all that she may like to have is certainly not as severe as if, like your husband, she was facing 13 years.

I can't even imagine how difficult it would be for both the inmate and his/her family who faces years of this. You are strong and good luck.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-14-2006, 07:48 PM
Jewess729's Avatar
Jewess729 Jewess729 is offline
Waiting Again
 

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Tahoe, CA
Posts: 95
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithHeals
For me, I don't mind giving my husband what he needs or wants, for a couple of reasons. First, he's genuinely thankful and appreciative of what I can do, and never expects or demands anything from me. I don't go without, or make our children go without so that I can send him packages, and he would be extremely upset with me if I ever did.
I understand the reasons for giving someone tough love, but I want to do all I can for my cousin in prison because of what you said about your husband being appreciative. My cousin is receiving either tough love or no love from our very large family, and he's crying out for love so bad. I am the only one who writes to him, even consistently. He's been incarcerated far too long for tough love to work on him. He needs something else. However, tough love can work...just not for everyone.

Question: Many of you have mentioned sending your loved ones things, like tvs or food. That's possible? I'm dying to send my cousin a discman and cds, but I don't know if that's possible. However, in my last letter I asked him if I could, so I gues he'll let me know.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-14-2006, 08:15 PM
drenabugg drenabugg is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 882
Thanks: 6
Thanked 66 Times in 61 Posts
Default

Jewess729, your right it's not for everyone. My fiance decided to change once he entered prison. He told me and his family not to send him any money and he only calls once a month because he doesn't want anyone to pay for his life's mistakes. I do send him packages because he does need certain things and as his fiance I feel it is my place to provide for him as he would do for me if the situation was on the other foot.

Some things just work for different people- everyones life and situation is different.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-15-2006, 09:21 AM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewess729
Question: Many of you have mentioned sending your loved ones things, like tvs or food. That's possible? I'm dying to send my cousin a discman and cds, but I don't know if that's possible. However, in my last letter I asked him if I could, so I gues he'll let me know.
I know it's possible to send electronics to some of the facilities. It's best to call the facility your cousin's at and ask. I find that the people who answer the phones can both be extremely helpful and, on the other hand, some can be very rude. When I get a rude (to say the least) and unhelpful person, I just nicely say adios and call back when that particular person is off his/her shift and hope I get a human being who's more helpful and somewhat empathizes with the stress that family and friends experience.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-15-2006, 04:08 PM
Jewess729's Avatar
Jewess729 Jewess729 is offline
Waiting Again
 

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Tahoe, CA
Posts: 95
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

drenabugg - sounds like you have a good man. he sounds very strong.

rich29_cal - thanks for the tip. i'll give them a call. he's in norco.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-16-2006, 10:08 PM
drenabugg drenabugg is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 882
Thanks: 6
Thanked 66 Times in 61 Posts
Default

Yes, he is very strong because he has a strong faith and honestly wants to do right. Plus, he was tired of his life and the way things were going for him. I think that is what has to happen is they have to be tired of that lifestyle and want to change.

But ya if you are trying to see what he can have call the Norco mailroom.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-18-2006, 10:26 PM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by drenabugg
I think that is what has to happen is they have to be tired of that lifestyle and want to change.
I wish they didn't have to suffer such a tough life before they come to be tired of the lifestyle. I'm happy for you and have lots of respect for your husband who's changed his life, despite all the hard times.

I hope "Jen" will have eventually come to that point. She's quite a good soul and I truly want her to be happy and fulfilled.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-19-2006, 09:07 PM
Jewess729's Avatar
Jewess729 Jewess729 is offline
Waiting Again
 

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Tahoe, CA
Posts: 95
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by drenabugg
But ya if you are trying to see what he can have call the Norco mailroom.
Good advice. I'll make all those Norco calls tomorrow morning. It's so hard to get a hold of someone to answer questions, though. I wish there were more Norco people here.
__________________
~Doing What Makes You Feel Good Club #8~
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-20-2006, 09:59 PM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewess729
I wish there were more Norco people here.
Try a search for "Norco", you might get threads mentioning Norco & then you can work from there.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-20-2006, 11:15 PM
FaithHeals's Avatar
FaithHeals FaithHeals is offline
Member of the 2018 club
 

Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Palmdale, CA
Posts: 459
Thanks: 21
Thanked 92 Times in 40 Posts
Default

Also, another tip to remember about tv's and cd players, is they generally have to be in a cell, not dorm or gym housing, because they don't have room for many personal items. Good luck with your calls to Norco, the mail staff should be able to help you out with what he can and can't receive.

Stephanie
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 06-21-2006, 12:58 PM
TheForgoten1's Avatar
TheForgoten1 TheForgoten1 is offline
i love my hubby
 

Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: LA
Posts: 2,271
Thanks: 26
Thanked 80 Times in 47 Posts
Default

As For My Hon He Just Got To Prison Ands Its His First Time I Am Gonna Get Him What He Needs Because He Has Been Really Good Shows He Appreciates Me And Loves Me But If He Decides To Mess Or Slack Off He Will Lose His Privlages From Me He Knows And He Nevr Is Demanding I Also Do Not Want Him To Fall Back In Time I Want Him To Be Upto Date With Whats On Tv Radio And Books
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 06-22-2006, 12:55 AM
Det.Bookman Det.Bookman is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: West
Posts: 40
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheForgoten1
I Also Do Not Want Him To Fall Back In Time I Want Him To Be Upto Date With Whats On Tv Radio And Books
Forgive me for saying this but I think that's really cute of ya.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 06-22-2006, 09:36 AM
gemn526's Avatar
gemn526 gemn526 is offline
Ronnie's Lady Love!!!
 

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,102
Thanks: 1
Thanked 57 Times in 1 Post
Default

My sweetie knows that I will do what I can for him while he is there.. I will send him electronic equipment once he mainlines... He did mention to me that he wants a CD player.. He knows that because right now I am doing everything alone, I can only do what I can do.. I do make sure to send money every month though...
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 06-22-2006, 04:21 PM
Jewess729's Avatar
Jewess729 Jewess729 is offline
Waiting Again
 

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Tahoe, CA
Posts: 95
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rich29_cal
Try a search for "Norco", you might get threads mentioning Norco & then you can work from there.
I've done that, but don't come up with much - at least not new stuff. Thanks though.
__________________
~Doing What Makes You Feel Good Club #8~
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 06-22-2006, 04:24 PM
Jewess729's Avatar
Jewess729 Jewess729 is offline
Waiting Again
 

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Tahoe, CA
Posts: 95
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

I just heard back from my cousin. He was so appreciative at the thought of a cd player, but he said he'd like to hold off until he gets to the program in Fairfield when he gets released from Norco. That I can do, and it turns out he may be released sooner than we thought. Originally it was like, "maybe he'll get out around november from norco." I just checked on the writ of habeas corpus he filed and it went through. So he could be released very soon. YAY!
__________________
~Doing What Makes You Feel Good Club #8~
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Who hasn't met their loved one yet? waiting4wes Met While Incarcerated 76 04-24-2008 06:10 PM
Need help from those whos loved ones are home TNC Now That Your Loved One Is Home... 24 03-16-2008 10:44 PM
Let's help our new members and talk about the units our loved ones are at: jftazzy102 Texas Prison and Jail Specific Discussions + Lock Down Status 44 05-03-2006 09:00 AM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:25 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2019 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics