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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 05-20-2018, 08:07 PM
Kaylinrichards1 Kaylinrichards1 is offline
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Default Loved one of an addict

Hi, Iím new to this, just wondering if anyone has tips or helpful advice. My boyfriend is in prison for a drug related issue. Iím worried about what to do when he gets out. Heís going to be serving 2 years, and will have 2 years on parole. I just want to make sure I can help him stay on the right path when he comes out, so heís doesnít go back into drugs. He will be on parole and drug tested so hopefully thatís an insensitive to stay clean. Iím just worried.
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Old 05-20-2018, 08:21 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
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Mine got clean in county and knock on woods has been that way for 18 months. Best thing I ever did was not bail him out. He needed to feel this all of this. Plus, when he is having a bad day, I tell him to never forget it so he never goes back. We tall about plans and the future a lot now. In the beginning, it was all the legal crap, then getting adjusted. You will find a groove.

It takes a lot of soul searching for them on this journey. You cannot do it for them. Many still use in prison. Many cannot wait to use once they get home.

All you can do is love and support, but put up boundaries. Enabling or turning a blind eye hurts. Encourage him to use this time wisely. If he did not finish school, get his Ged or start college classes. He can take vocational training. He can also get a job. The more he does the better off he will be. The days will go faster. When neither one of us is working on the weekends and it is not a visit weekend, it can feel like an eternity
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  #3  
Old 05-20-2018, 10:27 PM
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My hubby is in again...this time on drug related issues. He spend almost 3 months in county before being moved to DOC. For us, we had to figure out why he was using. Now, since the state has decided not to follow the judges order and get him treatment inside, we will be ready to get him treatment when he gets out. Getting to the bottom of why he uses has been a huge help for us.

Be there to support him, but only if he is really wanting to be clean and really working at staying clean. If he doesnt want it, then there is nothing you can do to help him. We have established boundaries and he knows that I will walk away if he crosses them. Some of our "rules" are: he cuts ties with everyone he was hanging out with, I have to know where he is and what he is doing at all times, I have to "approve" his friends (He says my judgement is better than his...this was a rule he made.), and we have to keep the lines of communication open. I have made it clear to him that he can come to me with anything and, even though I may not like it, I will try to help him work through the issues.

Just know you are not alone. I hope this helps you even a little bit. Stay strong.
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Old 05-23-2018, 10:53 AM
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i am having the same issues. my wife was clean for over a year. she was doing really good. the around the holidays she got around her brothers and sisters they got her smoking weed again. we fought over it almost constantly. She tried to explain to me that weed helped her ptsd and bipolar issues. I looked at alternatives and settled on cbd oil. it seemed to help her alot without the side effects. then around march she wanted to goto walmart one sunday. I gave her 100 to get groceries while I stayed home and plowed the garden. she came home 5 hours later broke, no gas in the car and a pack of hot dogs. and obviously messed up on something. i found text messages on the phone where she had been trying to buy cocaine. eventually she succeeded. we fought over it again. over the next month similar situations happened 4 more times and the last time I got a call from her dad that e needed to go pick up the car, she had been arrested. she got a dui and had a crack pipe with residue. she is now serving 18 months. As I look back I now see many of the subtle cries for help. the wanting my attention more and times she told me she was struggling with something. she tells me she is glad she got caught as it gave her a stopping point as it had progressed so quickly. I struggle with wondering what i should have bone different, how I could have prevented it, how did it happen? I hope she will be better when she comes home and I hope that I can be better support for her. my biggest fear is her family, brothers and sisters who all use. she HAS to stay away from them and I have explained to her that they are NOT family anymore, that her family is her, me and our two kids. everybody outside the household are outsiders. She needs to stay busy all the time and looking back its when there was nothing to do that she got in trouble. I would love to hear more ideas from others in the same shoes
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Old 05-23-2018, 12:37 PM
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Originally Posted by jydogbob View Post
i am having the same issues. my wife was clean for over a year. she was doing really good. the around the holidays she got around her brothers and sisters they got her smoking weed again. we fought over it almost constantly. She tried to explain to me that weed helped her ptsd and bipolar issues. I looked at alternatives and settled on cbd oil. it seemed to help her alot without the side effects. then around march she wanted to goto walmart one sunday. I gave her 100 to get groceries while I stayed home and plowed the garden. she came home 5 hours later broke, no gas in the car and a pack of hot dogs. and obviously messed up on something. i found text messages on the phone where she had been trying to buy cocaine. eventually she succeeded. we fought over it again. over the next month similar situations happened 4 more times and the last time I got a call from her dad that e needed to go pick up the car, she had been arrested. she got a dui and had a crack pipe with residue. she is now serving 18 months. As I look back I now see many of the subtle cries for help. the wanting my attention more and times she told me she was struggling with something. she tells me she is glad she got caught as it gave her a stopping point as it had progressed so quickly. I struggle with wondering what i should have bone different, how I could have prevented it, how did it happen? I hope she will be better when she comes home and I hope that I can be better support for her. my biggest fear is her family, brothers and sisters who all use. she HAS to stay away from them and I have explained to her that they are NOT family anymore, that her family is her, me and our two kids. everybody outside the household are outsiders. She needs to stay busy all the time and looking back its when there was nothing to do that she got in trouble. I would love to hear more ideas from others in the same shoes
I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. Loving an addict is never easy, you love them but they only love what their addiction wants its so hard. You know you should not blame yourself you could not have prevented this. She is the one who needs to stop and change her behavior. You can support her but you cant change her or do it for her.
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Old 05-23-2018, 01:37 PM
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Everybody always wants the addict to get straight and stay straight. What can we do to help?



The real talk is that you can do nothing for the addict. They have to do it for themselves because THEY want to, not because it is what YOU want.



The best thing anyone can do is they have a loved one who has an addiction is to get themselves to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. There you learn about yourself and your reactions to the addict using. What most people don't realize is that anyone who is very close to an addict becomes just as sick as they are without the drugs.



Al-Anon literally saved my life when my mother was actively drinking.
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Old 05-23-2018, 01:44 PM
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You all might want to do some Al-anon and The support group for loved ones of addicts (I can never remember the name). It is helpful from the perspective on networking with others who have taken this ride, finding out strategies for setting boundaries, a place to rant and get support from people who've had similar experiences, and getting info on things like rehabs (which are good, which suck), therapists (which are good, which takes what insurance, and which sucks), halfway house reputations and experiences of loved ones who've gone there, and other, very important information. But really, the true benefit is being able to find support and support others in similar situations. They are free, so going to a few meetings only costs your time.

I've done a bit of the narcotics one because of my brother. I've done years, on and off, of al Anon because of my mom. It can really help.

The thing of it is is that addicts lie. Their addiction causes them to lie. Figuring out what's actually a lie and what is just wishful good intention and what is real is a big challenge. Addiction in my life wants me to believe my brother. Experience has me knowing that for the most part, he's lying.

Here's the thing - platitudes are great, but without a comprehensive plan for actuating those platitudes (like keeping clean, getting a job, getting into a program, earning your trust again, etc). Planning can't come strictly from you - an addict who lets you do all of the work is just shining you on. My brother needs to commit to being clean. He won't. I've watched him lie to my parents and now just my mom for years. Every time he's busted, he'll get into a program. If they found him and paid for a program, he'd stay there just long enough to get the courts off his back and boom, quit. He'd go to counseling for a month and boom,quit usually saying something like, "it just doesn't work well for me," or "this counselor/program just isn't working," or "I just don't like this approach" he will poo-poo mindfulness training, meditation, CBT, DBT, and every other therapeutic approach, always finding fault and an excuse to quit. Usually, he is still using.

Eventually, you start to learn to distinguish between what is real, and what is addiction talking. With my brother, he does not want to quit. Prison and jail are the costs of getting high. We, his family members, cannot force him to get clean, so stepping back and allowing him to do his thing is painful but necessary. It sucks.

My mom, otoh, has been sober almost 30 years. She is very committed to AA, and has done a lot of work on coming to grips with why she drinks. She's done a bunch of Adult Children of Alcoholics because her parents were drunks. She's done a bunch of trauma work. She has found her way to sobriety and is committed to it. It is her sobriety and she owns it.

Seriously, try alanon and the NA version of it - it really helps.
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Old 05-26-2018, 06:53 AM
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What the folks who tell you that YOU cant really do much to get them to quit or stay quit....THEY have to want it.
Naranon
http://www.nar-anon.org/
or

Alanon
https://al-anon.org/


These groups will be able to best help YOU. The non user deal with life with an addict/alcoholic.
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Old 05-26-2018, 07:36 AM
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thanks, ive been trying to find a meeting locally, checking the website says the closest one to me is 40 miles away. currently, being in the capacity of a single dad, running a home based business and suffering from the loss of my wifes income, as well as the costs of her being in jail, I simply cant get away long enough to do that on a helpful basis. ill keep looking
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Old 05-26-2018, 07:33 PM
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Im not sure? But I think they may have some online assistance. Double check and dont be discouraged. (I know)
but try.
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