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  #1  
Old 09-11-2018, 10:01 PM
Valzyria Valzyria is offline
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Default Following injury, husband doesn't remember me

Hi everyone. I am very new to the site and I'm glad I found it. I'm going through a very difficult time and don't know what to do. About a year ago, my husband was jumped by 7 inmates and sustained a severe head injury. This assault also caused him to be paralyzed on one side of his body. Worse than that, he has NO memory of me. I have gone to visit him (a six hour drive) and he refuses to come out to visit. According to the warden, he told the guards he was not coming to the visit because he has no idea of who I am. He told them he has no idea of how I got on his visiting list. I have written letters and sent cards all with no response.



The warden told me he cannot force an inmate to come to a visit. I have gone twice and both times he has refused my visit. I'm having a very difficult time dealing with all of this. I haven't seen him since he got out of the hospital. He was in the hospital for about 2 months.


I call the caseworker at least twice a month to check on him. The caseworker told me that when he tries to relay a message from me, he becomes very agitated and angry.



Prior to all of this, we had a wonderful and loving relationship. I visited him every month. We wrote and exchanged letters at least twice a week. It's been hard not seeing him or hearing from him by letter. I wonder if his memory of me will ever return. I just miss him so much. Thank you for listening.
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Old 09-11-2018, 10:45 PM
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Wow. I am really sorry that you are going through this, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. Have you tried sending pictures of the two of you together to see if it will jar his memory?
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Old 09-11-2018, 11:23 PM
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Do you have any HCPOA documents or HIPPA documents so that you have the right to see his medical records to know for sure what his records and injury is, if it's a traumatic brain injury and if there is anything that can be done, or if the doctors thing it's temporary or permanent brain damage and whatever it is, what then are his rights? Can he get other/proper medical care?

This sounds awful for you as I can't imagine being in your shoes, but if there is help he can get, you should check those avenues, or find out as I said above if this is permanent damage. As well as why he is so agitated at the thought of seeing you, even if he says he doesn't know who you are. Are there other people he does remember? Maybe if they were to contact him or visit him, you can get a little more information from them, or least find out from the counselor who or what he does remember and see if his long term memory is there at all or for how far back it is there.
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Old 09-12-2018, 03:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Valzyria View Post
The warden told me he cannot force an inmate to come to a visit.

I call the caseworker at least twice a month to check on him. The caseworker told me that when he tries to relay a message from me, he becomes very agitated and angry.
Hello - I moved your thread to our General Health Care forum as I think it is more appropriate place for this issue

You say you are speaking with the Warden and your husband's caseworker? If your husband is agitated by the mentioning of you and believes he doesn't know you, is it not possible for the caseworker to show him your marriage licence and photographs as mentioned above? It would feel logical that even if he doesn't remember you these documents would show him that you really are his wife.
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Old 09-12-2018, 06:23 AM
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wow. This is very sad. I dont have any further suggestions but I sure do hope you have the hippa and health care docs signed.
At least maybe then it would be possible to speak with some of the doctors.
Just so heartbreaking to read this.


I hope he improves healthwise and begins to remember.
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Old 09-12-2018, 11:59 AM
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Hello - I moved your thread to our General Health Care forum as I think it is more appropriate place for this issue

You say you are speaking with the Warden and your husband's caseworker? If your husband is agitated by the mentioning of you and believes he doesn't know you, is it not possible for the caseworker to show him your marriage licence and photographs as mentioned above? It would feel logical that even if he doesn't remember you these documents would show him that you really are his wife.
Id also send copies of a few letters he wrote to the OP.

You might want to get in touch with a local traumatic brain injury support group and talk with other people with loved ones with this kind of injury.

You should also talk with your estates attorney about options for a conservatorship or guardianship so that you can make decisions for him, and so that any co-mingled assets as well as his assets remain in tact. If you dont have an attorney who does your will and the like, the local brain injury support group will have ideas and recommendations for this sort of work.

Im sorry you, the OP, are going through this. After a year, its questionable what he will get back. This does change his exit strategy from prison but may open up a compassionate release possibility, depending. You have a lot of work ahead of you and undoubtedly your main emotional support is now unable to identify you let alone act as a support for you.

I highly encourage you to get some support, and try a local hospital for a brain injury support group as they will have specific advice for you and will be able to help you.
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Old 09-12-2018, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Valzyria View Post
Hi everyone. I am very new to the site and I'm glad I found it. I'm going through a very difficult time and don't know what to do. About a year ago, my husband was jumped by 7 inmates and sustained a severe head injury. This assault also caused him to be paralyzed on one side of his body. Worse than that, he has NO memory of me. I have gone to visit him (a six hour drive) and he refuses to come out to visit. According to the warden, he told the guards he was not coming to the visit because he has no idea of who I am. He told them he has no idea of how I got on his visiting list. I have written letters and sent cards all with no response.



The warden told me he cannot force an inmate to come to a visit. I have gone twice and both times he has refused my visit. I'm having a very difficult time dealing with all of this. I haven't seen him since he got out of the hospital. He was in the hospital for about 2 months.


I call the caseworker at least twice a month to check on him. The caseworker told me that when he tries to relay a message from me, he becomes very agitated and angry.



Prior to all of this, we had a wonderful and loving relationship. I visited him every month. We wrote and exchanged letters at least twice a week. It's been hard not seeing him or hearing from him by letter. I wonder if his memory of me will ever return. I just miss him so much. Thank you for listening.

I can't even imagine what you are going through. All of us have wanted our loved ones to be safe. Having something like this happen is a nightmare to say the least. The advice everyone has given is good. My concern is for you and what you are going through. It is the fear of everyone who has a loved one in prison that they will be safe. I will pray for you, and for him. I will pray his memory returns soon, and that you will find some peace in all of this.
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Old 09-12-2018, 09:12 PM
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Valzyria, I feel your pain, I truly do My Mr also has TBI, from an accident last year. He does remember me....but I've had to relearn him because of changes in his comprehension (cognitive and emotional), outbursts of anger, anxiety issues, memory issues. He lost his sense of taste & smell. What hasn't returned at the 2 year mark, will most likely not ever come back.

There are other issues, but this is your thread....I just want you to know that I'm here if you need to "talk." Message me if / when you need a shoulder. In the meantime, check around and find a TBI support group in your area - then go to a meeting
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Old 09-13-2018, 03:23 AM
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This is heartbreaking!!
Does your husband have any support inside the walls like therapy? Regular (as far as prison is capable of doing this) appointments? He should also see someone to sort things out for him.
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Old 09-13-2018, 06:53 PM
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Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I do have access to his medical records now, but have no idea of what I will have to do when the release expires. Unfortunately the damage is permanent. He was receiving physical therapy for the paralysis on the left side of his body, but was discharged from the program because he wouldn't participate. The bad thing is that he is left handed and so it is very difficult for him to write with his right hand.


It's been and continues to be a very difficult journey. I just want to see him and make sure that he's okay. I don't trust the prison 100% of what they tell me. And for now, that's my only communication with my husband. I would think that any inmate would want a visit, so they could get out of their daily surroundings as well as be able to drink, eat and visit. I've written him letters with a few questions and yes or no boxes to check so that he wouldn't have to spend so much energy writing with his right hand. I don't even get a response to letters like that.
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Old 09-13-2018, 06:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Sunkiss3d View Post
Wow. I am really sorry that you are going through this, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. Have you tried sending pictures of the two of you together to see if it will jar his memory?

Yes I've tried that too. He still doesn't respond.
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Old 09-13-2018, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by rockchalk1 View Post
Do you have any HCPOA documents or HIPPA documents so that you have the right to see his medical records to know for sure what his records and injury is, if it's a traumatic brain injury and if there is anything that can be done, or if the doctors thing it's temporary or permanent brain damage and whatever it is, what then are his rights? Can he get other/proper medical care?

This sounds awful for you as I can't imagine being in your shoes, but if there is help he can get, you should check those avenues, or find out as I said above if this is permanent damage. As well as why he is so agitated at the thought of seeing you, even if he says he doesn't know who you are. Are there other people he does remember? Maybe if they were to contact him or visit him, you can get a little more information from them, or least find out from the counselor who or what he does remember and see if his long term memory is there at all or for how far back it is there.

He remembers one of his sisters and he also remembers his favorite niece. He also has no memory of his mother. His family lives in Louisiana and have never visited him. I tried to make arrangements for his sister to go and visit, but the plans always fell through. His niece is a teenager now.
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Old 09-13-2018, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Sarianna View Post
Hello - I moved your thread to our General Health Care forum as I think it is more appropriate place for this issue

You say you are speaking with the Warden and your husband's caseworker? If your husband is agitated by the mentioning of you and believes he doesn't know you, is it not possible for the caseworker to show him your marriage licence and photographs as mentioned above? It would feel logical that even if he doesn't remember you these documents would show him that you really are his wife.

That's a great idea. I have never thought of that. I've mailed him pictures. But sending a copy of the document might be helpful. Thanks for the idea! I will do that immediately.
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Old 09-13-2018, 07:08 PM
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wow. This is very sad. I dont have any further suggestions but I sure do hope you have the hippa and health care docs signed.
At least maybe then it would be possible to speak with some of the doctors.
Just so heartbreaking to read this.


I hope he improves healthwise and begins to remember.

Thank you.
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Old 09-13-2018, 07:15 PM
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[quote=yourself;7744260]Id also send copies of a few letters he wrote to the OP.

You might want to get in touch with a local traumatic brain injury support group and talk with other people with loved ones with this kind of injury.

You should also talk with your estates attorney about options for a conservatorship or guardianship so that you can make decisions for him, and so that any co-mingled assets as well as his assets remain in tact. If you dont have an attorney who does your will and the like, the local brain injury support group will have ideas and recommendations for this



Thank you so much for your response. I didn't know there was a support group for brain injuries. I will take your advice and try to see what I can find. I see a private therapist and she has never mentioned that to me. As of now, I am listed as his wife and am able to have access to medical records, questions to doctors, etc. Of course the medical release is good for a certain amount of time. I don't know what happens when the current release expires. I don't know how I'm going to get another one because at this juncture, he wouldn't sign. My fear is that he will remove me from his visitation list. So far he hasn't done that. The caseworker informed me that my husband has no idea of how I got on his visit list. "I don't know who this person is!" "Why does she keep bothering me?"
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Old 09-13-2018, 07:19 PM
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Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
This is heartbreaking!!
Does your husband have any support inside the walls like therapy? Regular (as far as prison is capable of doing this) appointments? He should also see someone to sort things out for him.

As far as I know, they are not offering him any kind of therapy.
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Old 09-13-2018, 09:21 PM
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Might want to give this a read as well.

https://www.amazon.com/Man-Who-Misto...0P3H6MD8V6D11V

Oliver Sacks was a neurologist who specialized in the stuff we’d find really weird that has a neurological base. There are plenty of people who go through what you are going through, and it might help to read about some people going through similar strangeness. Most are the result of injury, either from trauma or disease.
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Old 09-13-2018, 09:34 PM
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Oliver Sacks was a neurologist who specialized in the stuff we’d find really weird that has a neurological base. There are plenty of people who go through what you are going through, and it might help to read about some people going through similar strangeness. Most are the result of injury, either from trauma or disease.

An Anthropologist on Mars is one of my favorite books of all time. It offers hope through narratives which highlight adaptation as a way of coping with neuro disorders (the surgeon with severe tremors, for example).
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