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  #1  
Old 04-28-2013, 09:06 AM
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Default Controlling you?

My ex is coming to the end of a 12 year bid. We are not together, I divorced him, remarried (unhappily) and now divorced again. We are trying our best to be friends and provide emotional support, but I refuse to do much for him and think he needs to show me he can stay out of trouble before I can allow myself to have emotions for him. I just can't allow myself to get too wrapped up with someone who has spent his entire adult life in prison, until I know he will stay out and not take me down with him again. I want a good life and to not have to deal with the prison ever again.

Anyway, it's 2 months to the door and he is trying to get very controlling of me. It's like that is all he wants is to boss me around. I'm so used to my freedom and independence, and he's pushing me away. I've told him this, but he just won't stop. He has been acting this way since i split with my ex, and he just doesnt get that i have changed and need to be able to be myself and not have him be my dictator, especially since we arent a couple. if i were to get with someone again, its not going to be with someone who wants to be my prison guard. If there is a chance for us, he needs to stop this behavior, but how do i make him see this? This controlling thing seems to be a common theme in this forum. Is this just something that is part of his nature now? Or will it get better once he's out and has some control over his own life?
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Old 04-28-2013, 09:15 AM
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I'd break all ties. He's going to be a monster to you when he gets out. I don't know why you would think he will be different if he's already pulling this controlling crap before he even gets out.
I'd tell him to call you after he's been out and doing good for a year straight. I'll bet your phone never rings.
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Old 04-28-2013, 09:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_luv View Post
My ex is coming to the end of a 12 year bid. We are not together, I divorced him, remarried (unhappily) and now divorced again. We are trying our best to be friends and provide emotional support, but I refuse to do much for him and think he needs to show me he can stay out of trouble before I can allow myself to have emotions for him. I just can't allow myself to get too wrapped up with someone who has spent his entire adult life in prison, until I know he will stay out and not take me down with him again. I want a good life and to not have to deal with the prison ever again.

Anyway, it's 2 months to the door and he is trying to get very controlling of me. It's like that is all he wants is to boss me around. I'm so used to my freedom and independence, and he's pushing me away. I've told him this, but he just won't stop. He has been acting this way since i split with my ex, and he just doesnt get that i have changed and need to be able to be myself and not have him be my dictator, especially since we arent a couple. if i were to get with someone again, its not going to be with someone who wants to be my prison guard. If there is a chance for us, he needs to stop this behavior, but how do i make him see this? This controlling thing seems to be a common theme in this forum. Is this just something that is part of his nature now? Or will it get better once he's out and has some control over his own life?
No, this is NOT normal, unless they were raised with the mentality that "women are to be seen but not heard". Did he see a lot of nasty behavior from his parents? He is more than likely acting like this because everyone that he has been with has accepted it as acceptable behavior.

He will NOT stop, actually the control will get worse. IMHO, you should cut all ties with him and not allow him back into your heart. He is showing you signs that he is an ass-hat and things will be his way or the high-way. Is that how you want to live? You say you have changed, but are you willing to stand up for yourself?

I suggest you take some time to really think about where you are going with this and how you want to live the rest of your life, in a controlling relationship, or one that nurtures and supports you?

I wish you the best and hope that you really put this relationship into perspective. What would you say to your best friend if she were to come to you with this scenerio?

Peace~
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Old 04-28-2013, 10:33 AM
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I agree, if he is controlling my warning, it will get worse. When he gets out he may start threatening you and worse getting physically violent. Guaranteed the controlling will get worse when he is out and not in the confines of the prison. My advice, cut ties now, it is much easier and less messy when he cannot get to you.
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Old 04-28-2013, 10:46 AM
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And controlling is more then enough reason to break all ties with him. You don't have to think "well, at least he won't beat me up". You know what I mean? End it at that.
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Old 04-28-2013, 11:22 AM
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One more vote for "it can only get worse".
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Old 04-28-2013, 01:58 PM
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Your not even in a relationship with him, and he's not home yet, and he's being controlling. Hun, it will get worse. If he's like this now, it'll be worse if you do agree to try a relationship with him again. If your telling him how this is making you feel and he's not listening, shows a huge amount of disrespect for you. Please really think about this. Best of luck to you.
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Old 04-28-2013, 02:48 PM
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Sweetie please walk away now. Don't write nor take his calls, it will get worse I for one knows this, I am begging you please walk and walk fast.
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Old 04-28-2013, 10:10 PM
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Thank you so much. I have been really praying about this, and there is no way I can live in peace in a relationship where he thinks he has a right to rule me and dip into my pocketbook. i will take your advice, which I know in my heart and soul is right. I can't move to another place, he has my address, should I lie and tell him I am moving? I'm scared he will show up here.. i earn a decent living, i know he wants to be here in my home and my money as I am refusing to do anything financial for him. I am strong about this...I deserve and want better for my life and future. He went to priaon for robbery two times and has done home invasion before. Scary.....
Thank you again wise women

Last edited by one_luv; 04-28-2013 at 10:12 PM..
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  #10  
Old 04-28-2013, 10:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InmateLover67 View Post
No, this is NOT normal, unless they were raised with the mentality that "women are to be seen but not heard". Did he see a lot of nasty behavior from his parents? He is more than likely acting like this because everyone that he has been with has accepted it as acceptable behavior.

You are right. He grew up in a gang and saw his mother abused.
He will NOT stop, actually the control will get worse. IMHO, you should cut all ties with him and not allow him back into your heart. He is showing you signs that he is an ass-hat and things will be his way or the high-way. Is that how you want to live? You say you have changed, but are you willing to stand up for yourself?
[COLOR="rgb(85, 107, 47)"]Of course I am. I'm a tough lady who doesn't liked to be pushed around. [/color]
I suggest you take some time to really think about where you are going with this and how you want to live the rest of your life, in a controlling relationship, or one that nurtures and supports you?

I would rather be by myself than controlled by someone who has nothing to offer me.

I wish you the best and hope that you really put this relationship into perspective. What would you say to your best friend if she were to come to you with this scenerio?

[COLOR="rgb(85, 107, 47)"]Thank you. I just don't understand the behavior of ex cons. I have never been around the much except to know they live off women and often cant get work. COLOR]
Peace~
Thank you! Your post really made me think.
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Old 04-29-2013, 01:29 AM
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You are making the right decision for sure girlfriend Just make it short & sweet and the very last thing to say to him would be "do not contact me again"that should be enough. Don't tell him your going to move or anything at all. If he contacts you anyway tell him "this is the last time I'm going to say this;Do not contact me again or I will call the police", then MEAN it.Then if he does DO IT. Don't back down, for even a second. No matter what ALWAYS be confident and sure be intentional. That way he won't be confused.
Good luck & keep us posted





Quote:
Originally Posted by one_luv View Post
Thank you so much. I have been really praying about this, and there is no way I can live in peace in a relationship where he thinks he has a right to rule me and dip into my pocketbook. i will take your advice, which I know in my heart and soul is right. I can't move to another place, he has my address, should I lie and tell him I am moving? I'm scared he will show up here.. i earn a decent living, i know he wants to be here in my home and my money as I am refusing to do anything financial for him. I am strong about this...I deserve and want better for my life and future. He went to priaon for robbery two times and has done home invasion before. Scary.....
Thank you again wise women
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