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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 08-20-2011, 04:09 PM
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Default I don't want him around friends/family. What do you think?

So my boyfriend got himself locked up and in the situation he is in today because of his friends and family..
So i have made it clear that i don't want him around all those "bad" friends when he gets home. Tonight one of our "friends" is having a birthday party for their son. I was going to go, just to appease everyone. But i decided to myself that i dont want to go hang around all those same people when he is not with me, and also i realized something i dont want him to hang out with these people when he gets home. So why am i going to go down and be around these people while he is gone?? So i am not going, because i dont want to be a hypocrite & contradict everything i am trying to get him to realize... And a different "friend" that he is friends with and i never talk to anymore always calls me asking for discounts at my work. what the crap is that??

Also his family has recently asked me for money to borrow. Always asking me for money and barely ever paying me back. This time its for $300. I said no. And i felt rude saying no. But i know i would never see it, and i am the only one putting money on his books, and the phone, and i just recently bought a 300$ package that they said they would give me some money for it and never did. And its started to make me feel like they dont really care about their son. He realizes it, but i think its very hard for him to really accept it. Because he will still make excuses for them because its his family. But when his brothers call me a "dumb ass" because i bought their brother a package, when no one else will. It makes me very angry.

Thank you for reading, i am pretty much just venting and wanted someones opinion on the situation!
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Old 08-20-2011, 07:21 PM
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i know EXACTLY what you're going through. my man's family & friends are the same way & as terrible as it is, i've made it clear to him that i will not tolerate him associating with people like that when he comes home. since he's been in, his brother has run up a 1400 dollar phone bill that i have to pay (we got him a line on our account) and done nothing to help out. his whole family has done nothing but make my life harder & be just downright awful to me! his friends are still caught up in the game...i've cut all them from my life.

my best advice is to stick to your guns, it's the best thing you can do to help your man break the cycle!
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Old 08-20-2011, 07:40 PM
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I think you are making very wise decisions.
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Old 08-20-2011, 08:27 PM
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Thank you! this makes me feel so much better! that you guys know what i am going through, i just feel taken advantage of!! and i feel like his family never cares as much as i do! so it is just very frustrating and mentally draining! im glad you guys think i am making good decisions. and i hope my man thinks so also and agrees and understands why i am not going to this birthday party, and that he wont feel the need to go back to the temptation either, because i stuck to my guns while he was gone!! : )
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Old 08-21-2011, 02:09 AM
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I think you may be in for a rude awakening if you think he's not going to hang out with whoever he wants to when he gets out. The truth is noone but himself put him where he is. He's grown and he's dealing with the consequences. If he wants to stay out of trouble it won't matter if he has a soft spot for Troublemaker X, Y, or Z because he will control himself. You are wise to make your feelings known BEFORE he comes home but really, it's not for you to say who he can and cannot see and why would you want to? At the end of the day you have to be able to trust him NOT his friends or family.
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Old 08-21-2011, 06:16 AM
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I agree with Patty. Unless HE makes the decision that he wants to limit his involvement with his friends and family, you'll be fighting a losing battle.
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Old 08-21-2011, 06:23 AM
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One more vote here for "It's not something you can control"! Either he doesn't want to be around them or he does, and if he does, then he'll sneak out from under your 'supervision'. Don't bother making ultimatums if you're not willing to bring down the hammer - "if you hang with them, then I can't hang with you". otherwise you're just making empty threats, stressing out, and putting him in an impossible situation.
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Old 08-21-2011, 09:20 AM
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Even if a family member is a bad influence at the end of the day they are family and you shouldn't tell him he can't see them thats up for him to decide, my man has gotten into trouble with a few of his family members but I cant tell him not to associate with them its not my place and it could lead to resentment. It's up to your man to decide what influences he wants around him and if he truly wants to do go he will cut out the negative influences on his own.
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Old 08-21-2011, 09:51 AM
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When I read the FIRST line of the initial post I knew I would not agree. I agree with Patty. It is his OWN fault he is in prison. He has no one to blame but himself. He got arrested, he has to suffer the consequences. If he still believes he is in prison because of others by the time he is released, he is going to go back to all the same things he was doing before. The FIRST place he is going to want to go is to see his old "friends". You certainly do not make many new "friends" on the inside that you hang out with after prison. At least, I never did when I was released.

I do not believe you are making good decisions for yourself. Forget about your boyfriend for a second. You sent him a $300 package in prison for what? To further tax yourself mentally and compare your deeds to what his parents are or are NOT doing for him? His brothers called you a "dumbass" because they probably know what he is about better than you do. Second, you state you are mentally drained and frustrated, but you put YOURSELF in this situation...just like your boyfriend put HIMSELF in prison. You can not draw comparisons to what others do or don't do. That is YOUR CHOICE to send money and packages.

And to think you can simply state and believe that you can keep him from his family? Or his friends? If you feel you are an outsider now, watch what happens after he is released. There is NO WAY you can keep him from his family.

I am speaking from my prison experience and thoughts and observations of guys who came back to prison. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I sugar coat nothing and I like to tell the truth.

Last edited by spin721; 08-21-2011 at 09:55 AM..
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Old 08-21-2011, 01:56 PM
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I agree w/ Patty and the others.

I didn't want my friend to hang around folk who drank and I shared this w/ him. He felt some kind of way and did his own thing.

It has to be what they want, ultimatums only cause them to go the other direction.

Regarding lending money to the family, that's in the past and don't open that door again.
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Old 08-21-2011, 02:06 PM
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I have to agree with some of the other posters about your man being responsible for his actions. I would not focus so much on who he is hanging out with as much as I would focus on his mental state and what he plans to do when he comes home. If he has a good head on his shoulders then he should be able to resist the temptation to revert back to his old lifestyle if he truly wants to make a positive change in his life. If you love him and want your relationship to work then I would not force ultimatums because that is a recipe for disaster and could create a lot of resentment between the two of you. All you can do is continue to express your needs of him being a productive member of society and if he chooses not to listen, then you have to choose whether or not he is the man for you.
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