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  #1  
Old 04-20-2010, 07:11 PM
BrownEyes BrownEyes is offline
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Default Is he controlling?

I just got off the phone with my husband. He has always been super controlling which is part of the bigger problem. He really has a problem with not having a say so in where I go or what I do.

I told him that I was going up the mountains this weekend to see my friend as it's her birthday on saturday. We are going to do a day at the spa sort of thing, and meet in the morning. I told him I was going to leave Friday night and he flipped out and demanded that I leave on Saturday morning because he doesn't want me driving around at night.

I told him I can't leave Saturday morning, it's a 3 hour drive and I won't be able to meet my friend for our spa appointment then. He said I either leave Saturday morning or he's done with me forever. I told him to bite me.

This is just another way to control me. He knows he can't stop me from going and he has no good reason why I shouldn't go. But he's trying to prevent me from going by imposing impossible circumstances which would prevent the whole reason for the trip.

I hung up on him. I am so tired of him trying to boss me around. I have absolutely no respect for him. I am a single mother to three kids who works my butt off to provide for not only the kids, but for him as well....he has a lot of nerve to talk to me like that.


Sorry, I had to vent.
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:22 PM
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Mine used to be controlling too...I finally started laughing at him and telling him to shut up and he seems to have changed his methods. He's a nice boy now...
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:48 PM
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"Tell ya what, when you are out here paying for the roof over my head, the gas in my car, the food on my table...ETC ETC....Then and ONLY then will you have a say in what I can and can not do.

I understand you are only "looking out" for my best interest...but if you place my judgement and yours side by side, I think it would be a unamious decision on who exactly the brains of this operation is. Now while I value your opinion, note that is all it is...

Your opinion...and unless you want to hear mine...we will just agree to disagree. You know I love you, but you must understand that when It comes to manipulation you hold no candle to my children...so if you think giving me an ulitimatum is going to work...think again...I have been tried by the best...and in the end I AlWAYS win.

If you feel it necessary to be "done" with me...by all means... I love you and want you in my life..but as it stands it would be one less expense I would have to stress over. So when you are done throwing your fit and acting more immature then my two year old...call me...Until then I have laundry to do, meals to cook, a house to clean and a job to maintain.

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  #4  
Old 04-20-2010, 07:52 PM
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Yes. He's being controlling... but you knew that.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:07 PM
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You should ask him what you should tell your kids when they want to get involved in sports or other activities at school that require you to pick them up between 7:00 - 10:00 PM since you can't drive at night.

You should also ask him if it's ok for men to drive at night.

Then explain that your car has something called headlights and that yours work.

Yep, he's controlling.

Last edited by NC_girl; 04-20-2010 at 08:08 PM.. Reason: typo
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:08 PM
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That was great you guys!!! I just went off the hinges when hubby tried that with me... Told him not to call me and talk to me like i was a child cause last i checked i was the one taking care of everything and has taken care of everything for the last two years... then i told him he could bite my ass... and he said well i would if i wasnt in this damn prison and i said OMG i miss you... the fight lasted all of two minutes but he doesnt try to control me now!
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:27 PM
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you're kidding me right? you leave saturday or he's leaving you? tell him to grow the hell up. or better yet, leave him. ugh i would not be living with that from my guy.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:40 PM
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Yes it is controlling. My husband is the same way. I have not gone anywhere yet...but when I do it is with family & I do NOT ask his permission. I simply let him know where I went just to have something to write about. If he gets mad about it then he can kiss my butt just like he would act towards me when I tried controlling him since I knew he would end up back in prison...if he has a good reason for me to NOT do something then I think about it & respect it...but saying you can not drive at night is over the line.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:53 PM
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My husband definitely is used to my routine and he's secure in that. If I do anything outside of that he is immediately uncomfortable. I will work with him on doing what I can to make him comfortable with whatever situation but I would not not do something with a friend just because he said so. I wouldn't get all loud and disrespectful with him but I would calmly tell him how it is on my end.
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Old 04-20-2010, 09:30 PM
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Originally Posted by LeBeau View Post
Yes. He's being controlling... but you knew that.
I think this is one of those situations where you teach people how to treat you. You have obviously known that he is like this, and you have allowed him to treat you like this thereby teaching him that it is ok to treat you like this.

I don't blame you for being tired of this, but it's not going to stop unless you put your foot down and teach him that you will NOT be treated like this.
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Old 04-20-2010, 09:59 PM
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Yes i can see how u feel he is trying to control you and i cant say i am in your shoes because my bf is not controlling at all....i know u say he has a history of being controlling but one major characteristic of men is to try an protect who they love its one of the ways they show that they do love u. while it does sound controlling it may also be an attempt to look out for your best interest, they live with dangerous people and he maybe thinking of what could happen to you alone at night with dangerous people out there(i know my bf tells me that all the time cuz i travel many times and cant leave until night time) and in his mind he wants to be the one to come to your aid if anything happens and knowing that he cant hurts him....just my 2cents
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:33 PM
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I am so thankful D is NOT that way cause i think i'd split real quick he understands how my life is (BUSY) and out of courtesy I let him know what i am doing. It's called mutual respect between us.
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyes View Post
I just got off the phone with my husband. He has always been super controlling which is part of the bigger problem. He really has a problem with not having a say so in where I go or what I do.

I told him that I was going up the mountains this weekend to see my friend as it's her birthday on saturday. We are going to do a day at the spa sort of thing, and meet in the morning. I told him I was going to leave Friday night and he flipped out and demanded that I leave on Saturday morning because he doesn't want me driving around at night.

I told him I can't leave Saturday morning, it's a 3 hour drive and I won't be able to meet my friend for our spa appointment then. He said I either leave Saturday morning or he's done with me forever. I told him to bite me.

This is just another way to control me. He knows he can't stop me from going and he has no good reason why I shouldn't go. But he's trying to prevent me from going by imposing impossible circumstances which would prevent the whole reason for the trip.

I hung up on him. I am so tired of him trying to boss me around. I have absolutely no respect for him. I am a single mother to three kids who works my butt off to provide for not only the kids, but for him as well....he has a lot of nerve to talk to me like that.


Sorry, I had to vent.

Many years ago i was in a controling relationship. It didn't work for me.

A relationship is built on mutual respect. And without that , that foundation is too weak to support much.

I don't like being told "i cant". I'm grown and ya aint my daddy.

I will respond to "i'd rather you didn't because" and we talk about it like grown adults. And come to a conclusion.

But then again...that my
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:46 PM
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I let him know if I have something to do or somewhere to go before hand but I would want him to do the same..He does get angry and feel insecure when I go out wit friends but he knows I love him to death and I know he worrys about me when I'm out here
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:49 PM
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sounds like my husband...dont be like me...get too deep into the marriage and wake up one day &&& see your not happy &&& you cant find the courage to walk away simply cause the fairytale life you think you have!!!

MY LIFE...
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:57 PM
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well this is the first time that i had to go through this and my man been trippen since he went from one county jail to another and it is getting worse i mean we fight more now than ever but he thinks that bc we made up i forgot it is hard but yep u aint the only one going through it i think jail makes them crazy lol
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Old 04-21-2010, 12:39 AM
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My man is to some degree. He isnt bad or we would have problems.
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Old 04-21-2010, 12:46 AM
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yes he is being controlling and i think it will only get worse with time.
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Old 04-21-2010, 12:50 AM
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[quote=BrownEyes;5350757]I just got off the phone with my husband. He has always been super controlling which is part of the bigger problem. He really has a problem with not having a say so in where I go or what I do.

I told him that I was going up the mountains this weekend to see my friend as it's her birthday on saturday. We are going to do a day at the spa sort of thing, and meet in the morning. I told him I was going to leave Friday night and he flipped out and demanded that I leave on Saturday morning because he doesn't want me driving around at night.

I told him I can't leave Saturday morning, it's a 3 hour drive and I won't be able to meet my friend for our spa appointment then. He said I either leave Saturday morning or he's done with me forever. I told him to bite me.

My girl has a different controlling behavioral problem. She accuses me of cheating and talking to other women. Guys phone numbers pop up during these times and she is usually talking t an ex when making the accusations.

This is just another way to control me. He knows he can't stop me from going and he has no good reason why I shouldn't go. But he's trying to prevent me from going by imposing impossible circumstances which would prevent the whole reason for the trip.
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Old 04-21-2010, 03:58 AM
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Thank the lord my man is not like that!! He doesn't tell me what to do at all. He encourages me to enjoy life. He reminds me that I am not the one in prison and ends every letter with "Have fun and be safe"
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Old 04-21-2010, 07:30 AM
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This is his girlfriend, and yes i am controlling. C'mon what business does my boyfriend have in the "husbands and bfs in prison" section. The phone number was an old aquaintance; i didn't hide it, it was sitting in plain sight. I work my ass off to support my family while he stays at home online chatting on web communities. After 2 and a half years of my boyfriend periodically being busted having innapropriate conversations with women about their body parts etc.(I'll spare the details) i eventually sent an email to an ex from a decade ago across the country (i didn't say anything flirtatious in the slightest). So i'm controlling, so be it.
anyway,i was just reading in a book by dr.phil,that when 2 people are locked in a negative relationship they BOTH are getting some kind of payoff from it, otherwise the one who's not being treated well would not take it ever.maybe ask yourself why you have allowed it to continue on this long...kudos to you for telling him to,"bite me"...I hope you follow thru and go at night.and have a GREAT time!!!set boundaries and while it's nice to respect your partner,never is it nice to allow them to control you,or you them.
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Old 04-21-2010, 09:19 AM
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I think him telling you he is going to divorce you if you go is ridiculous. However, sorry, but all the "I'm grown and do what I want" doesn't make for a good marriage, either. If it's "you can't tell me shit" on either person's part, don't get married...it's a *partnership*. I understand your frustration and his reaction was totally uncalled for, but I think you'd be better off to explain to him when you are more calm that you need this trip, you put in alot with your kids, and you will drive safely and can't do it any other way...*he* should understand that. I *really* recommend you don't do the old pto suggestion of "I pay the bills, not you"--quick way to totally emasculate the guy, and it won't work in the long run. I think once you calm down, and just approach it as working together, you'll be ok.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:24 PM
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I dont know about you guys but i still give my husband a sense of control over me. I ask him if i can go out with my friends to like clubs, parties, or bars, and he always lets me go. We made a deal anywhere that i have to go after 9pm i ask permission and he hasnt denied me yet. i mean i had to ask before he went in so its still the same now except now he lets me go, before he usually didnt. And hes letting me go to Fiesta which im super happy !! He just wants to know who im going with and what time ill be back and i feel that he should know hes my husband and he still has authority. Besides when i made the decision to wait i told him i dont have a problem waiting but let me live! Dont keep me at home, ill resent you and ill leave eventually. I told him if you let me live, ill keep it real and ill be honest with you and ill be faithfull all the way no matter what.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:33 PM
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we went thru this at visiting last week. i think in a place where they sometimes feel out of control, they want to regain that "power." But your man did kinda flip, to go as far as saying "Im dont with you forever if you drive at night." really? i mean yeah hes concerned about night driving in an unfamiliar place but good lord thats extreme.

I know that often time my man gets the brunt of my frustrations, but at the same time I dont think its ok to just lay it all on him, just like I dont think its ok for his anger over lack of control to be put on me. last week he said something to me and got checked real quick. I told him to redirect his mouth because the way he was speaking to me was not ok. His gram is his mother figure and I said, "would you be speaking to me like that if Grammy was here?" that got him...dont allow him to speak to you in a way that is degrating....he needs to respect you just as you need to respect him if this is going to work....

all the best!
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Old 04-23-2010, 11:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrownEyes View Post
I just got off the phone with my husband. He has always been super controlling which is part of the bigger problem. He really has a problem with not having a say so in where I go or what I do.

I told him that I was going up the mountains this weekend to see my friend as it's her birthday on saturday. We are going to do a day at the spa sort of thing, and meet in the morning. I told him I was going to leave Friday night and he flipped out and demanded that I leave on Saturday morning because he doesn't want me driving around at night.

I told him I can't leave Saturday morning, it's a 3 hour drive and I won't be able to meet my friend for our spa appointment then. He said I either leave Saturday morning or he's done with me forever. I told him to bite me.

This is just another way to control me. He knows he can't stop me from going and he has no good reason why I shouldn't go. But he's trying to prevent me from going by imposing impossible circumstances which would prevent the whole reason for the trip.

I hung up on him. I am so tired of him trying to boss me around. I have absolutely no respect for him. I am a single mother to three kids who works my butt off to provide for not only the kids, but for him as well....he has a lot of nerve to talk to me like that.


Sorry, I had to vent.

Well done girl, I love your response to his attempt to control and dominate you......Start as you mean to go on because once you ALLOW a man (or woman for that matter) take control over you its all over but the crying... I applaude your fiesty streak and independence
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