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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

View Poll Results: How many of you know someone who cheated with a prison or jail employee?
Yes 23 35.38%
No 42 64.62%
Voters: 65. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 11-25-2018, 03:28 PM
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Default Husband / Boyfriend Inmate Cheating From the Inside - Happens everyday...

So, as painful as this can be for some of us to realize and accept, it is the truth. I waited faithfully for my man, father of 3 for 7 years only to find out after him being home for months that he had a VERY in depth relationship with his prison counselor for a long time and they were continuing it on the outside right next to me... she is married too with kids. She knew about myself and kids the whole time and they have both found ways to justify this to ease their own conscious. A friend of mine talks to men in prison and has told me that they have admitted to having relationships with counselors and other staff as well as plenty of women through pen pal services, social media and friends hooking them up. After asking my nephews and cousins who have been in and out of prison... this is extremely common! I just want to bring a few things to your attention here:

1. There are women lined up to talk to men in prison.

2. The inmates pretty much all have access to cell phones, social media and most of their friends (other inmates around them to clarify) have girls who are willing to talk to them. Some claim they only cheat for monetary gain from these women, but most get much more out of it that that.

3. A lot of these women are aware that the man they are talking to has a wife/kids...

4. It is downright common for female staff, CO's, counselors, attorney's, ect... to have physical and emotional relationships with these guys while they are in there and continue them when they are out. Confirmed by multiple sources.

I'm putting this out there to potentially save others from wasting years and years of life waiting for someone, just to get your heart crushed in the end. I'm sure that there are still plenty of faithful guys serving time, just putting this out there for those who want to know and maybe need or are looking for answers.

Last edited by bluearies; 11-25-2018 at 04:22 PM..
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Old 11-25-2018, 03:35 PM
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I'm just as sure there as many women on the outside who cheat while their men are in prison and this causes so many inside to become jaded and spread that through the yards causing paranoia among other inmates.

I'm sorry that this happened to you but honestly I think it was unnecessary for you to come here with it in this manner. As if those with LO's inside don't have enough to worry about you have just given them the same paranoia on the outside that gets spread inside.

I'm sure few of us didn't already have the idea that there are shady people such as the counselors and those who "throw" themselves at men who are incarcerated but again I think this just causes more paranoia than needed.
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  #3  
Old 11-25-2018, 03:46 PM
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I do believe you exaggerate. Maybe because of your husband's behavior...maybe because you're a negative person. Maybe a combination of both. I don't know. I'd sure hate to go through life as a pessimist. Please do not project your husband's shortcomings on anyone else's husband/boyfriend.

I'm not saying that it never happens, but "always,' "never," "all," doesn't leave any room for exceptions to your theory.
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....all have access to cell phones, social media and most of their friends have girls who are willing to talk to them.


Access does not mean the inmate has any interest whatsoever in borrowing / using someone else's cell phone. And, uh, what friends? Your husband's friends kept in touch? Now, THAT is a rarity.

While some inmates do have relationships with Female staff, CO's, counselors, attorney's, ect, I highly doubt that the majority of inmates have any interest in doing so & that's whether or not they have someone waiting at home. Most just want to do their time and go Home.

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  #4  
Old 11-25-2018, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Girl22472 View Post
I'm just as sure there as many women on the outside who cheat while their men are in prison and this causes so many inside to become jaded and spread that through the yards causing paranoia among other inmates.

I'm sorry that this happened to you but honestly I think it was unnecessary for you to come here with it in this manner. As if those with LO's inside don't have enough to worry about you have just given them the same paranoia on the outside that gets spread inside.

I'm sure few of us didn't already have the idea that there are shady people such as the counselors and those who "throw" themselves at men who are incarcerated but again I think this just causes more paranoia than needed.
I totally respect your opinion, however, I wish I had been aware of these types situations and that someone had informed me 8 years ago, this is ultimately what made me decide to post this. So for those who need the information, it's here. My path raising 3 babies alone (never dated not once) while dealing with all the intricacies a loved one going to prison brings... it has been a hard one to say the least, so I understand that this can be hurtful but it is the truth. Ignorance can definitely be bliss though I get that, it's a personal decision for sure.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by patchouli View Post
I do believe you exaggerate. Maybe because of your husband's behavior...maybe because you're a negative person. Maybe a combination of both. I don't know. I'd sure hate to go through life as a pessimist. Please do not project your husband's shortcomings on anyone else's husband/boyfriend.

I'm not saying that it never happens, but "always,' "never," "all," doesn't leave any room for exceptions to your theory.


Access does not mean the inmate has any interest whatsoever in borrowing / using someone else's cell phone. And, uh, what friends? Your husband's friends kept in touch? Now, THAT is a rarity.

While some inmates do have relationships with Female staff, CO's, counselors, attorney's, ect, I highly doubt that the majority of inmates have any interest in doing so & that's whether or not they have someone waiting at home. Most just want to do their time and go Home.

I'm glad your crystal ball is in working order, 'cause mine is broken








Again, for those who want the information it's here. It's not being negative or projecting, it's telling MY story and the reality of what happens in there. If you are confident that this doesn't apply to you, then move on but believe me some will want the information, so please respect that. And by friends, I am referring to to other inmates inside.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:03 PM
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Originally Posted by bluearies View Post
I totally respect your opinion, however, I wish I had been aware of these types situations and that someone had informed me 8 years ago, this is ultimately what made me decide to post this. So for those who need the information, it's here. My path raising 3 babies alone (never dated not once) while dealing with all the intricacies a loved one going to prison brings... it has been a hard one to say the least, so I understand that this can be hurtful but it is the truth. Ignorance can definitely be bliss though I get that, it's a personal decision for sure.
You weren't aware of "these types" of situations being possible? How is that possible? Reality is that even the BEST of relationships are tested by incarceration. Regardless of any infidelity or incarceration people change in feelings, behaviors and personalities. Add incarceration to the mix and a significant time such as yours just increases ALL possibilities.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:08 PM
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Some men cheat. Some women cheat. Works that way out here as well as in prison. People cheat. I don't understand how anyone could be blissfully unaware that it could happen to them. One may be confident that it won't happen, but there is a difference between being confident and being unaware of the possibility.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Girl22472 View Post
You weren't aware of "these types" of situations being possible? How is that possible? Reality is that even the BEST of relationships are tested by incarceration. Regardless of any infidelity or incarceration people change in feelings, behaviors and personalities. Add incarceration to the mix and a significant time such as yours just increases ALL possibilities.
No, I did not think about him having an in depth relationship with his prison counselor as being a realistic possibility. Never once crossed my mind.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:09 PM
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Again, for those who want the information it's here. It's not being negative or projecting, it's telling MY story and the reality of what happens in there. If you are confident that this doesn't apply to you, then move on but believe me some will want the information, so please respect that. And by friends, I am referring to to other inmates inside.
But you weren't just telling your story... you WERE projecting... You started out your post to inform all the "ladies" here what you thought they should know and "bring a few things to your attention." If you came here asking for sympathy or guidance then you would have received an abundance of this. Instead you came with anger (which to be fair you're entitled to) and a chip on your shoulder to a site of people who struggle every day to keep their relationship together... something you should be painfully aware of... to add to their worries and frustration because of something that happened to you.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:10 PM
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Some men cheat. Some women cheat. Works that way out here as well as in prison. People cheat. I don't understand how anyone could be blissfully unaware that it could happen to them. One may be confident that it won't happen, but there is a difference between being confident and being unaware of the possibility.
Well I am being truthful in saying, I never saw that one coming!
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:19 PM
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But you weren't just telling your story... you WERE projecting... You started out your post to inform all the "ladies" here what you thought they should know and "bring a few things to your attention." If you came here asking for sympathy or guidance then you would have received an abundance of this. Instead you came with anger (which to be fair you're entitled to) and a chip on your shoulder to a site of people who struggle every day to keep their relationship together... something you should be painfully aware of... to add to their worries and frustration because of something that happened to you.
Maybe you're right... I don't know. I was one of those people who struggled day in and day out and he's home and the nightmare continues. it's always good to be aware of what could happen. We still report even bad news to make sure that the people are informed and can protect themselves accordingly, to keep yourself safe you must be aware of the potential dangers in the first place.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:38 PM
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Why hasn't anyone mentioned the fact that if it's true that the counselor was/is having an affair with an inmate, THAT in itself is criminal behavior?

There was a whole incident here at the facility that my husband works at that a social worker was having an affair with one of the patients/inmates. She is now being charged criminally. Its a big scandal. It has to do with her using her position of authority over the guy, yada yada and taking advantage of him.

From the other perspective, yes people cheat. But these guys are super gullible when they are on the inside and no doubt susceptible to this type of behavior especially if they think they're getting something in return. It's a form of sexual abuse. She should be reported, lose her job, her license, etc.
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Old 11-25-2018, 04:50 PM
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Why hasn't anyone mentioned the fact that if it's true that the counselor was/is having an affair with an inmate, THAT in itself is criminal behavior?

There was a whole incident here at the facility that my husband works at that a social worker was having an affair with one of the patients/inmates. She is now being charged criminally. Its a big scandal. It has to do with her using her position of authority over the guy, yada yada and taking advantage of him.

From the other perspective, yes people cheat. But these guys are super gullible when they are on the inside and no doubt susceptible to this type of behavior especially if they think they're getting something in return. It's a form of sexual abuse. She should be reported, lose her job, her license, etc.
I totally agree and am battling this question right now of whether or not to report her and how to proceed legally.
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Old 11-25-2018, 07:22 PM
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He would be the actual victim, though...of the staff member. You can write to warden/ Supt of facility or higher, tell your story. Hopefully he has proof (letters) in his cell because they will most likely toss it. Staff like that need to have the criminal consequences.
Also I’m sorry your story had a hurtful ending. That kind of pain is a horrendous violation from not just the staff, but from a human who job it is NOT to hurt you.
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Old 11-25-2018, 07:41 PM
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He would be the actual victim, though...of the staff member. You can write to warden/ Supt of facility or higher, tell your story. Hopefully he has proof (letters) in his cell because they will most likely toss it. Staff like that need to have the criminal consequences.
Also Iím sorry your story had a hurtful ending. That kind of pain is a horrendous violation from not just the staff, but from a human who job it is NOT to hurt you.

He's been released and is still carrying on the affair.
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Old 11-25-2018, 08:19 PM
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I have known from the beginning that cheating is a possibility. Not because of his incarceration, but because he's human. He could say the same thing about me. Being aware that people can cheat doesn't prevent the bulk of people from having relationships. The question is-- given this age-old warning, what would you different? Would you hound him and be suspicious all of the time? Grill him over how he spent his time and with whom? That's not how I want to live. I choose to believe he's given his heart to me. If something has happened with someone else since we've been together, that's the risk I took in being vulnerable and falling in love and him taking advantage of that. I'm not blissfully ignorant but I'm not living in preparation for him to do me wrong. There really isn't another option in my mind.
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Old 11-25-2018, 08:44 PM
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Statistically speaking, staffers are outnumbered by inmates on large scale. Does it happen? yes. Everyone. No.

Probably got a shot at an ex or someone who was two timing before hand. Running the same games as they did before. People are generally creatures of habit.
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Old 11-25-2018, 11:09 PM
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[quote=patchouli;7753630]He's been released and is still carrying on the affair. [/

CONTACT PO. CONTACT FACILITY. This is unacceptable. Make them add a condition to his parole that he have no contact with whomever. While it is now outside the wall, it began while he was ward of the state. Let the parole officer know! Iím so angry at this staff person, and they deserve to be listed forever in his parole history, and to be investigated.Predators donít stop at one.
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Old 11-26-2018, 12:33 AM
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I think the relevance of what OP is saying is borne out in the lengthy When The Relationship is Over section here on the site .. many of the posts are about relationships that ended at release when the inmate could no longer hide his behavior. I haven’t seen as many successes as failures, due to deception, discussed on this site. I think prisons are a unique microcosm of society and what happens in the whole prison system doesn’t equally translate to what happens in life outside, it’s a whole different thing, after allowing that cheating goes on in both realms. To illustrate this, all you have to do is compare your access to your LO inside to what it would be on the outside .. extremely restricted vs relatively few, if any, restrictions, in most cases.

Last edited by Anna7; 11-26-2018 at 01:18 AM..
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Old 11-26-2018, 09:49 AM
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I am a bit surprised with a forum that is supposed to accept and respect people attacking the person who started this thread so hard. While we may or may not agree with how she presented her situation, she is hurting just like the bulk of us on this site. I am sorry for all the pain she (and her children) are going through. To stand by someone that long only to find it was and still a one sided relationship is never easy. The person he cheated with has children as well. So now two families will most likely be destroyed. So sad. The most innocent victims here are the children. They didn't have any part in it. That is not in any way to minimize what blue is going through. You are obviously as well. We want to trust and believe they are being honest and faithful to us. I am sad for you and will pray for you.
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:30 AM
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Quote:
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No, I did not think about him having an in depth relationship with his prison counselor as being a realistic possibility. Never once crossed my mind.

Unfortunately, a relationship forming between client and counselor happens. I couldn't imagine being a counselor, because I already know how quickly I can form relationships with people and I've always struggled with boundaries. Boundaries get crossed, transference occurs. It's reality.

I lost an internship, as well as was kicked out of my degree program, because I formed a relationship with a client of the facility I was working at. It didn't even matter that he wasn't MY client, or my superviser's client. She's risking a lot.

Last edited by Rigora; 11-26-2018 at 11:03 AM..
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:36 AM
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Quote:
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To illustrate this, all you have to do is compare your access to your LO inside to what it would be on the outside .. extremely restricted vs relatively few, if any, restrictions, in most cases.
But that goes both ways and applies to couples who work opposing shifts or deal with deployment or travel for work or any of the other hundreds of ways we find ourselves not glued to each other's side. To be blunt: having been cheated on and having cheated in my past relationship, access to one another didn't prevent wandering hearts and loins. And neither of us knew about the other's actions until we had a sit-down and come to Jesus moment.

The OP is hurt and rightfully so. He mislead her into thinking that he was as committed to their marriage as she was. That was wrong. But to say it's more likely or a shocking possibility because of incarceration isn't really fair except to say incarceration (like long term illness of one partner, like long work hours, like any of those reasons I've already mentioned) is a stressor and like any stress can drive a wedge in the smallest of cracks in marriage.
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:56 AM
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[quote=Ms Sunny;7753652]
Quote:
Originally Posted by patchouli View Post
He's been released and is still carrying on the affair. [/

CONTACT PO. CONTACT FACILITY. This is unacceptable. Make them add a condition to his parole that he have no contact with whomever. While it is now outside the wall, it began while he was ward of the state. Let the parole officer know! I’m so angry at this staff person, and they deserve to be listed forever in his parole history, and to be investigated.Predators don’t stop at one.
I'm sorry, but I could not / would not call the facility and/or call the PO. Suck it up, divorce him and move on...be happy. Focus on the kids. Revenge has never been my thing. Running my mouth has never been my thing. However, I do get this slight smile when Karma does her thing all on her own w/o help from me.

EDIT:
Quote:
Predators don’t stop at one.
I'll give that he did the op wrong in his dishonesty, but I wouldn't go so far as to label the current girlfriend a "predator." We have to idea what her motives are.....its highly possible that she does truly love him, regardless of where they met. We have staff/inmate MWI members here at PTO and I do not doubt that they love their MWI.
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Last edited by patchouli; 11-26-2018 at 11:02 AM..
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Old 11-26-2018, 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by bluearies View Post
So, as painful as this can be for some of us to realize and accept, it is the truth. I waited faithfully for my man, father of 3 for 7 years only to find out after him being home for months that he had a VERY in depth relationship with his prison counselor for a long time and they were continuing it on the outside right next to me... she is married too with kids. She knew about myself and kids the whole time and they have both found ways to justify this to ease their own conscious. A friend of mine talks to men in prison and has told me that they have admitted to having relationships with counselors and other staff as well as plenty of women through pen pal services, social media and friends hooking them up. After asking my nephews and cousins who have been in and out of prison... this is extremely common! I just want to bring a few things to your attention here:

1. There are women lined up to talk to men in prison.

2. The inmates pretty much all have access to cell phones, social media and most of their friends (other inmates around them to clarify) have girls who are willing to talk to them. Some claim they only cheat for monetary gain from these women, but most get much more out of it that that.

3. A lot of these women are aware that the man they are talking to has a wife/kids...

4. It is downright common for female staff, CO's, counselors, attorney's, ect... to have physical and emotional relationships with these guys while they are in there and continue them when they are out. Confirmed by multiple sources.

I'm putting this out there to potentially save others from wasting years and years of life waiting for someone, just to get your heart crushed in the end. I'm sure that there are still plenty of faithful guys serving time, just putting this out there for those who want to know and maybe need or are looking for answers.

Don't forget, the women who are locked up are susceptible to being involved in the same sorts of things.


And drugs and cell phones run rampant in California prisons.


I've been thinking about writing sort of a....I don't know if tell-all post would be the best way of putting it, because I don't know that I can really tell-all, but sort of an essay-form "red flag list" for others. Because I ran through several of them.


Folks, the lesson is: be careful in these prison relationships. They can be successful and they can be fulfilling, yes. But they can also be a deep con. Or the person you're involved with could have some really, REALLY deep-seated issues.


-Eric
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Old 11-26-2018, 06:14 PM
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I think the relevance of what OP is saying is borne out in the lengthy When The Relationship is Over section here on the site .. many of the posts are about relationships that ended at release when the inmate could no longer hide his behavior. I havenít seen as many successes as failures, due to deception, discussed on this site. I think prisons are a unique microcosm of society and what happens in the whole prison system doesnít equally translate to what happens in life outside, itís a whole different thing, after allowing that cheating goes on in both realms. To illustrate this, all you have to do is compare your access to your LO inside to what it would be on the outside .. extremely restricted vs relatively few, if any, restrictions, in most cases.

I agree with this, Anna.


At some point I will write a more in-depth post regarding Dee. The issues with relationships with inmates are complex. I do not wish failure on anyone. And in some ways I have to say that a definition of "success" might be a tad different.


Dee and I did not work. I would still consider elements of the relationship to have been a success in some regards, despite the final outcome.


There are a lot of stories like this. It makes the successes that much sweeter when they do come.


-Eric
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