Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > When the Relationship is Over...
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-31-2018, 11:36 AM
Ohaithrashley Ohaithrashley is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: North Carolina / United States
Posts: 13
Thanks: 49
Thanked 36 Times in 12 Posts
Unhappy So I walked away last night.

Right now it feels like it has been a long time in the making, but I have been scared, unwilling, and afraid to do it--until last night.

My man & I were together 3 years. We both are drug addicts, but we met while we were sober. We stayed sober together for 1 year. Then he relapsed and I followed him shortly after. These last two years have been hell. It has been nothing short of the worst roller coaster of my life.
Between years 1, 2 and 3 we have physically hurt each other. We have called each other every single name in the book. He has cheated on me at least 3 times that I know of--several more I suspect. I got an apartment for him & we lost it due to our addiction (which I now have an eviction on my record as well as some other collections I picked up in this time frame). We've been homeless. We've hurt each other in every single way possible. He's gone to prison 3 times in the last two years and each time I have supported him and rebuilt here on the outside. This time is different. He acts different--or maybe it's me. But I've put a total of 371.70 on his books/Western Unions/etc THIS MONTH. And it is not enough for him. We fight constantly. The two times I've gone to visit him this time, we've fought for almost the entire visit. We're supposedly engaged, but have no date for the wedding or nothing to look forward to. My family doesn't like him. My friends don't like him. I'm just fed up. When I try to talk about money and maybe cutting down to $20 a week, he gets angry. He tells me that it should be my obligation to support him. I don't think that's true. He says that's what being a relationship is. That's what love is. I don't think so. I DO love him. But for the first time in my life I'm trying to love myself more and I hate saying that. I can almost hear his voice telling me that's all bullshit. That is some Disney mumbojumbo I heard a long time ago and life isn't like that. So last night I broke it off with him. He got mad and lashed out. He told me I'm a coward. That I wasn't cut out for this. That I don't love him. That if I did, I wouldn't give up on us. I would work through this. That he hopes I think of him every single day and I regret this every single day of my life. That I better not even look at him when he gets out. That he'll find someone else and be happy and he hopes I don't ever find anyone else. That he hopes I never find happiness. Just evil, mean things...
And I feel SO MUCH guilt. No one can take it away. My sponsor, my friends--MY MOM. No one can take it away. I even feel guilt for talking about it! Like--he is not the bad guy. He is not the problem. We are both the problem. I just abandoned him while he is in prison...knowing his family won't provide financial assistance for him. My friends and family all tell me it is not my fault. I know it's not, I guess. But some little voice in the back of my head tells me to unblock him so he can call again. It tells me to put money on his books so he won't go without. I picture him alone, trying to call me over and over again and not reaching me because I blocked him. I have NEVER in my life blocked him or had the guts to walk away and STICK with it. I just feel like trash. I feel like I've completely abandoned him. I have let him go. I have shown him with my actions that he is not worth my time.


And it is killing me. I hate this feeling. I hate this guilt. I hate that I feel like I have betrayed my best friend. But I can't do this anymore. Firstly, I don't want to use anymore. Secondly, I HATE who I am with him. I hate the way I talk to him and I hate the way he talks to me. I hate that our relationship has completely fizzled away, but it has....I just feel like I am nothing but a convenience to him at this point.



Help?
Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Ohaithrashley For This Useful Post:
a.rare.love (12-06-2018), choclgs (11-01-2018), Grolarbear (11-05-2018), MizzyMuffling (10-31-2018), S.Barnett (12-04-2018), Sarianna (10-31-2018), sidewalker (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 10-31-2018, 11:55 AM
Angie1988 Angie1988 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Modesto, ca
Posts: 1
Thanks: 0
Thanked 5 Times in 1 Post
Default

I feel everyone knows in their heart what is right for them or not. I'm not saying we always act in honor of those feelings but ultimately we do know. I know from past relationships that I have loved someone but didn't necessarily "like" them anymore. Don't take responsibility for his actions or behavior or even what he might be doing right now. Give yourself an opportunity to clear your head and hear what YOU want. And the guilt is normal in any codependent relationship but honestly the guilt probably manifests itself some other way whether you're with him or not. Use your coping techniques, feel the grief process of the break up. Its healthy to feel... surround yourself with people that love you. See yourself through their eyes and concern. Take care of YOU. you're not responsible for him. Only yourself. And be realistic about the situation. I hope you find peace and blance with in your thoughts, best of luck!
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Angie1988 For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (10-31-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), sidewalker (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #3  
Old 10-31-2018, 11:56 AM
Mrangel89 Mrangel89 is offline
MarF
 

Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Georgia, U.S.A
Posts: 26
Thanks: 34
Thanked 13 Times in 9 Posts
Default I'm sorry

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohaithrashley View Post
Right now it feels like it has been a long time in the making, but I have been scared, unwilling, and afraid to do it--until last night.

My man & I were together 3 years. We both are drug addicts, but we met while we were sober. We stayed sober together for 1 year. Then he relapsed and I followed him shortly after. These last two years have been hell. It has been nothing short of the worst roller coaster of my life.
Between years 1, 2 and 3 we have physically hurt each other. We have called each other every single name in the book. He has cheated on me at least 3 times that I know of--several more I suspect. I got an apartment for him & we lost it due to our addiction (which I now have an eviction on my record as well as some other collections I picked up in this time frame). We've been homeless. We've hurt each other in every single way possible. He's gone to prison 3 times in the last two years and each time I have supported him and rebuilt here on the outside. This time is different. He acts different--or maybe it's me. But I've put a total of 371.70 on his books/Western Unions/etc THIS MONTH. And it is not enough for him. We fight constantly. The two times I've gone to visit him this time, we've fought for almost the entire visit. We're supposedly engaged, but have no date for the wedding or nothing to look forward to. My family doesn't like him. My friends don't like him. I'm just fed up. When I try to talk about money and maybe cutting down to $20 a week, he gets angry. He tells me that it should be my obligation to support him. I don't think that's true. He says that's what being a relationship is. That's what love is. I don't think so. I DO love him. But for the first time in my life I'm trying to love myself more and I hate saying that. I can almost hear his voice telling me that's all bullshit. That is some Disney mumbojumbo I heard a long time ago and life isn't like that. So last night I broke it off with him. He got mad and lashed out. He told me I'm a coward. That I wasn't cut out for this. That I don't love him. That if I did, I wouldn't give up on us. I would work through this. That he hopes I think of him every single day and I regret this every single day of my life. That I better not even look at him when he gets out. That he'll find someone else and be happy and he hopes I don't ever find anyone else. That he hopes I never find happiness. Just evil, mean things...
And I feel SO MUCH guilt. No one can take it away. My sponsor, my friends--MY MOM. No one can take it away. I even feel guilt for talking about it! Like--he is not the bad guy. He is not the problem. We are both the problem. I just abandoned him while he is in prison...knowing his family won't provide financial assistance for him. My friends and family all tell me it is not my fault. I know it's not, I guess. But some little voice in the back of my head tells me to unblock him so he can call again. It tells me to put money on his books so he won't go without. I picture him alone, trying to call me over and over again and not reaching me because I blocked him. I have NEVER in my life blocked him or had the guts to walk away and STICK with it. I just feel like trash. I feel like I've completely abandoned him. I have let him go. I have shown him with my actions that he is not worth my time.


And it is killing me. I hate this feeling. I hate this guilt. I hate that I feel like I have betrayed my best friend. But I can't do this anymore. Firstly, I don't want to use anymore. Secondly, I HATE who I am with him. I hate the way I talk to him and I hate the way he talks to me. I hate that our relationship has completely fizzled away, but it has....I just feel like I am nothing but a convenience to him at this point.



Help?

I'm sorry you're going through this! This is heartbreaking. This type of relationship is so, so challenging but it should never be abusive or hurt like this. I'm in al-anon as I have more than 1 alcoholic family member and have dealt with addiction in loved ones for many years. All I can say is NEVER FEEL GUILTY FOR DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

Easier said than done. But it sounds like you know in your heart and in your gut that you need out. So trust yourself. One step at a time.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Mrangel89 For This Useful Post:
Ohaithrashley (10-31-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), sidewalker (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #4  
Old 10-31-2018, 12:07 PM
torieoo torieoo is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: NJ, USA
Posts: 303
Thanks: 136
Thanked 194 Times in 119 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohaithrashley View Post
Right now it feels like it has been a long time in the making, but I have been scared, unwilling, and afraid to do it--until last night.

My man & I were together 3 years. We both are drug addicts, but we met while we were sober. We stayed sober together for 1 year. Then he relapsed and I followed him shortly after. These last two years have been hell. It has been nothing short of the worst roller coaster of my life.
Between years 1, 2 and 3 we have physically hurt each other. We have called each other every single name in the book. He has cheated on me at least 3 times that I know of--several more I suspect. I got an apartment for him & we lost it due to our addiction (which I now have an eviction on my record as well as some other collections I picked up in this time frame). We've been homeless. We've hurt each other in every single way possible. He's gone to prison 3 times in the last two years and each time I have supported him and rebuilt here on the outside. This time is different. He acts different--or maybe it's me. But I've put a total of 371.70 on his books/Western Unions/etc THIS MONTH. And it is not enough for him. We fight constantly. The two times I've gone to visit him this time, we've fought for almost the entire visit. We're supposedly engaged, but have no date for the wedding or nothing to look forward to. My family doesn't like him. My friends don't like him. I'm just fed up. When I try to talk about money and maybe cutting down to $20 a week, he gets angry. He tells me that it should be my obligation to support him. I don't think that's true. He says that's what being a relationship is. That's what love is. I don't think so. I DO love him. But for the first time in my life I'm trying to love myself more and I hate saying that. I can almost hear his voice telling me that's all bullshit. That is some Disney mumbojumbo I heard a long time ago and life isn't like that. So last night I broke it off with him. He got mad and lashed out. He told me I'm a coward. That I wasn't cut out for this. That I don't love him. That if I did, I wouldn't give up on us. I would work through this. That he hopes I think of him every single day and I regret this every single day of my life. That I better not even look at him when he gets out. That he'll find someone else and be happy and he hopes I don't ever find anyone else. That he hopes I never find happiness. Just evil, mean things...
And I feel SO MUCH guilt. No one can take it away. My sponsor, my friends--MY MOM. No one can take it away. I even feel guilt for talking about it! Like--he is not the bad guy. He is not the problem. We are both the problem. I just abandoned him while he is in prison...knowing his family won't provide financial assistance for him. My friends and family all tell me it is not my fault. I know it's not, I guess. But some little voice in the back of my head tells me to unblock him so he can call again. It tells me to put money on his books so he won't go without. I picture him alone, trying to call me over and over again and not reaching me because I blocked him. I have NEVER in my life blocked him or had the guts to walk away and STICK with it. I just feel like trash. I feel like I've completely abandoned him. I have let him go. I have shown him with my actions that he is not worth my time.


And it is killing me. I hate this feeling. I hate this guilt. I hate that I feel like I have betrayed my best friend. But I can't do this anymore. Firstly, I don't want to use anymore. Secondly, I HATE who I am with him. I hate the way I talk to him and I hate the way he talks to me. I hate that our relationship has completely fizzled away, but it has....I just feel like I am nothing but a convenience to him at this point.



Help?


Girl my heart goes out to you and i admire you for walking away from him. I can relate to you in some ways. My boyfriend is an addict but Iím not and he has put me thru HELL. Any one else in my position would have walked away from him a long time ago. Heís lied to me, stole from my family and overall let his addiction take over his life and now heís sitting in jail. Heís been to jail two other times since weíve been together for two years, one official. Our relationship is hanging by a thread. And yet Iím still here for him.

My family doesnít like him for obvious reasons he betrayed them and me and my friends support what i wanna do but they have their opinions on him.

I feel for you and how you feel guilty because i too feel guilty when i think about leaving him sometimes. Itís hard! Which is why i probably havenít done it yet and Iím always ďhopingĒ things get better. I love him and the thoughts of him alone worry me. Iím really all he has left and he knows it. Heís asked me for money to put on his books but i told him Iím not doing that, Iíll strictly just put money on the phone so he can call me.

I usually ALWAYS run to his rescue and when he first went in i was willing to put myself in debt for a lawyer for him and then i thought to myself ďwhy am i doing this? Would he do this for me?Ē And i decided not to. I didnít create his mess he did and he has to clean it up. I think Iím slowly detaching myself from him in certain ways but like i said itís hard.

I canít really offer much advice on what you should do because itíd be a ďpot calling the kettle blackĒ sort of thing but i admire your strength to walk away to work on yourself and just know you are not alone in the slightest! My PMís are always open if you need to talk!
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to torieoo For This Useful Post:
Ohaithrashley (10-31-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #5  
Old 10-31-2018, 12:24 PM
Sarianna's Avatar
Sarianna Sarianna is offline
Midnight Sun Moderator

PTO Site Moderator 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Swinging from the chandelier
Posts: 2,795
Thanks: 14,286
Thanked 3,671 Times in 1,652 Posts
Default

You should be so, so proud of yourself for taking the first steps to a healthier, happier life and getting your power back - this may sound silly as I don't know you personally, but I am so freaking proud of you!! Things feel desperately sad right now but as an addict you are familiar with quitting -- you know every day forward will be one step away from this unhealthy relationship and each day you will gain more strength. It feels heavy right now...but in just a few weeks I know you will feel a lightness that will tell you how right this decision was.

Codependency and addiction often go hand in hand, and my humble opinion is that codependency is as difficult to steer away from as addiction. It's not easy but you must know, rationally thinking, that all those feelings of guilt are just that -feelings- they are not based on reality: you have nothing to be guilty about. Repeat that mantra whenever you start feeling weak...I have nothing to feel guilty about, it is about time I start loving myself... There is nothing noble in sacrificing your own well being by supporting another person more than you support yourself; both emotionally and financially.

Sweetheart, you are SO not trash. I applaud your courage & strength for doing this and I wish you all the best for your future!
__________________

Reply With Quote
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Sarianna For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), Kimimi (10-31-2018), MizzyMuffling (10-31-2018), Nickel Timer (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (10-31-2018), rubyz (11-24-2018), sidewalker (11-01-2018), smiles844 (11-01-2018), vickyht (11-07-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #6  
Old 10-31-2018, 12:26 PM
Ohaithrashley Ohaithrashley is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: North Carolina / United States
Posts: 13
Thanks: 49
Thanked 36 Times in 12 Posts
Default

Quote:
I usually ALWAYS run to his rescue and when he first went in i was willing to put myself in debt for a lawyer for him and then i thought to myself “why am i doing this? Would he do this for me?” And i decided not to. I didn’t create his mess he did and he has to clean it up. I think I’m slowly detaching myself from him in certain ways but like i said it’s hard.
I feel this so much right now. Like I've always been the "bread winner" in this relationship-- not that I make a lot of money, but I always keep a job. And I make my relationship my priority, which I don't ever feel he's done. I've gotten him a lawyer, made payments on his credit card he's neglected, paid his phone bill, got him a phone (multiple times)...etc. And when I've needed him, he's never shown the same dedication. So I keep trying to cast back to that thought of "Would he do this for me?" and I know the answer. It sucks though. Like I can't stop rethinking myself and my decision. I'm trying really hard to stick to it, despite how guilty I feel. Because A.) This back and forth thing is only confusing and more painful to him/me and B.) It is only going to be the same story over and over again


When I spoke with his Dad, he basically said he loves his son (33) but he and his wife have been waiting for me to walk away. They have seen him do this with women over the years--take and take until they're just drained--and they love him, but it's just what he does. His dad said the relationship is just toxic for us both, no matter how much I love him or if he loves me. That really made me pause for minute. And then I felt even worse because his own father says these things--he truly is alone and I just abandoned him.


Ugh. I'm swimming with so much guilt right now y'all. I wish I could just sleep it away.



Quote:
And the guilt is normal in any codependent relationship but honestly the guilt probably manifests itself some other way whether you're with him or not.

And yes. This is true as well. With him the guilt manifests in letting him do whatever, giving him whatever. I buy him clothes, I pay his bills, I put as much money on the phone/canteen as he wants. I try and buy his love. Or show my love with money.
It is all very sick.

Last edited by Ohaithrashley; 10-31-2018 at 12:30 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Ohaithrashley For This Useful Post:
ambermarshall11 (10-31-2018), MizzyMuffling (10-31-2018), Nickel Timer (11-01-2018), Sarianna (10-31-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #7  
Old 10-31-2018, 12:38 PM
Ohaithrashley Ohaithrashley is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: North Carolina / United States
Posts: 13
Thanks: 49
Thanked 36 Times in 12 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarianna View Post
You should be so, so proud of yourself for taking the first steps to a healthier, happier life and getting your power back - this may sound silly as I don't know you personally, but I am so freaking proud of you!! Things feel desperately sad right now but as an addict you are familiar with quitting -- you know every day forward will be one step away from this unhealthy relationship and each day you will gain more strength. It feels heavy right now...but in just a few weeks I know you will feel a lightness that will tell you how right this decision was.

Codependency and addiction often go hand in hand, and my humble opinion is that codependency is as difficult to steer away from as addiction. It's not easy but you must know, rationally thinking, that all those feelings of guilt are just that -feelings- they are not based on reality: you have nothing to be guilty about. Repeat that mantra whenever you start feeling weak...I have nothing to feel guilty about, it is about time I start loving myself... There is nothing noble in sacrificing your own well being by supporting another person more than you support yourself; both emotionally and financially.

Sweetheart, you are SO not trash. I applaud your courage & strength for doing this and I wish you all the best for your future!

I don't wanna say you made my day, because I'm so up and down right now that it's more like half hour to half hour. But you made my half hour! Of course my friends and family will tell me not to feel guilty--that I deserve better and I need to start practicing self preservation, etc etc. But that does not change the fact that I love this man. That does not change the fact that I am afraid I hurt him. And it certainly does not change the fact that I feel guilty even though they tell me not to take on that guilt. They're my friends/family, of course they're biased. I need to know it is okay that I blocked him. That I cut him off. That I told him I can't do this anymore. EVEN THOUGH HE IS INCARCERATED. Especially since he is incarcerated. That is the worst. Thinking I left him at his most vulnerable time.


Basically, am I a coward for doing this?
Am I trash?
Honest opinions, please. I don't want to just be pacified. I want to know if I am doing the right thing.

Last edited by Ohaithrashley; 10-31-2018 at 12:41 PM..
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Ohaithrashley For This Useful Post:
Sarianna (10-31-2018)
  #8  
Old 10-31-2018, 12:57 PM
Sarianna's Avatar
Sarianna Sarianna is offline
Midnight Sun Moderator

PTO Site Moderator 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Swinging from the chandelier
Posts: 2,795
Thanks: 14,286
Thanked 3,671 Times in 1,652 Posts
Default

I don't think your family is biased, I think their approach is common sense as much as it is love - often people who are looking in from the outside can see the situation clearer than the one (you) in the eye of the storm.

Look at what his dad has told you - a parent's love is probably the strongest love in the world, and yet his dad does not sugarcoat things about his son, he is blatantly telling you his son uses women. That speaks volumes, don't you think?

I guess I'm a bit different when it comes to this approach of not having the heart to leave someone "because s/he is in prison"....prison, to me, is not an excuse for sticking with someone who treats you badly. Prison, in my opinion, is something that the incarcerated person (most times) has brought on themselves, and even though it is hard, it doesn't rob the incarcerated person of their ability to treat their loved ones with love and respect. Feeling guilty for leaving someone who is in prison when the relationship is clearly unhealthy and your significant other is using you - staying for the wrong reasons would be cowardice, not leaving! You're the opposite of coward for doing this - I know how scary and painful it is, and yet you are doing it...that is courage!
__________________

Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Sarianna For This Useful Post:
Nickel Timer (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (10-31-2018), sidewalker (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #9  
Old 10-31-2018, 01:09 PM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: NC & Germany
Posts: 3,689
Thanks: 3,369
Thanked 3,832 Times in 1,648 Posts
Default So I walked away last night.

I applaud you for your decision.
This shows that you are going into a whole new and much healthier direction.
Thereís no need for guilt. He put himself in prison and he took you with him. You just made Ąparoleď and Iím proud of you. You took your chance and stepped away. That takes a lot of strength.
He needs to grow up. His parents are a good guidance, they refused to be coĖdependent and heíll never learn if anyone of you will remain a crutch for him.
Make sure youíll be good to yourself and get your emotional, mental and physical strength back and try to move forward Ė take very little steps
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
Ohaithrashley (10-31-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #10  
Old 10-31-2018, 03:01 PM
fbopnomore fbopnomore is offline
Site Moderator

PTO Site Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27,467
Thanks: 42,463
Thanked 20,541 Times in 11,950 Posts
Default

I doubt that he will ever admit that he is the reason for you leaving, but it seems to be apparent to everyone else you know and love. You supported him both in and out of prison, but he still didn't mind cheating on you with 3+ other women. His relapse drew you back into your drug addiction, and on, and on.

You have a much better chance for a sober, productive life without him dragging you down, so be proud of yourself and ignore his whining. Just my opinion.
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to fbopnomore For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), Hurley123 (11-01-2018), Nickel Timer (11-01-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), sidewalker (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #11  
Old 10-31-2018, 04:01 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 24,660
Thanks: 7,156
Thanked 30,623 Times in 11,025 Posts
Default

When a friend constantly drags you into deep water and then pushes your head under it's time to reevaluate the friendship.

Face it - you've come close to the edge a few times with this guy, and now that you're trying to save yourself you're feeling guilty???????? He's not the one drowning!

And yep, he's going to be alone. But why? Because he's used up every last bit of goodwill he could find anywhere. That's not your fault. It's also not your fault that you've chosen to save yourself. That just the right way to do things.

The guilt thing just has to go; it's training, and embedded deep, but sacrificing yourself is not going to fix the guilt, either. Let's face it, if you threw yourself on the tracks in front of the train to save him, it still won't change what he said or what he's done.
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), fbopnomore (10-31-2018), MizzyMuffling (10-31-2018), Nickel Timer (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (11-01-2018), rubyz (11-24-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #12  
Old 10-31-2018, 11:39 PM
Anna7 Anna7 is offline
I love my Kindle
 

Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 139
Thanks: 70
Thanked 212 Times in 77 Posts
Default

This guy is a loser. A deadbeat. A user of people. Disgusting. You need to think of him in this way and learn to separate yourself from this kind of person, not just him, but anyone like him, be they male or female. He is in a class of people with whom you want nothing to do. Psychology says the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior; what you have seen so far of his behavior is not likely to change; it sounds like his behavior has already repeated itself just during your association with him .. repeated incarcerations, repeated women. For this type of person to rise above themselves, they have to do it 100% on their own, then establish themselves as respectable before they can hope for a respectable person to take an interest in them. Throw this one back, he’s not worth keeping.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Anna7 For This Useful Post:
Ohaithrashley (11-01-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #13  
Old 11-01-2018, 01:31 AM
Hunnylisa18's Avatar
Hunnylisa18 Hunnylisa18 is offline
RummysHunny
 

Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Nevada
Posts: 52
Thanks: 65
Thanked 53 Times in 28 Posts
Default

All I have to say is you're doing good, stay strong, and ima pray for you.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Hunnylisa18 For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (11-01-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #14  
Old 11-01-2018, 06:01 AM
xolady xolady is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: May 2014
Location: highlands, florida
Posts: 5,738
Thanks: 12,223
Thanked 5,960 Times in 3,104 Posts
Default

I admire you for your courage and strength in walking away most addicts who are with addicts can't seem to do it. It takes a very strong person to walk away from a toxic relationship. All you both were doing is hurting each other and you were enabling him to continue on his self destructive path. You should be proud of yourself not feeling guilty. You didn't start him on this path he did. Generally when some one has no one it's their own fault, very rarely do you find a good productive kind loving person abandoned by everyone. But if I had a penny for every person who claimed to be the victim of others abandoning them I'd be rich. I'm not an expert on relationships but I've had my share of bad ones and I've had some very good ones. I can see now some of the just about fatal mistakes and how I thought I was always doing the right thing by sticking by someone even when it was a sinking ship and I was going down with it. It's insane to keep making the same mistakes over and over expecting different results. It will take time and I know this to be true but eventually you will get over him. You have friends family and your whole life ahead of you don't waste it on someone who isn't worthy of your love. If he loved you he'd put your needs and wants ahead of his, instead of dragging you through the muddy mess he's made of his life. Keep your head up and be proud of yourself!!!
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to xolady For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (11-01-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018)
  #15  
Old 11-01-2018, 06:19 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is online now
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 30,774
Thanks: 54,112
Thanked 28,698 Times in 14,451 Posts
Default

I too am glad for you!
You are doing the right thing for the right person. YOU.


Your guilt is misplaced. I understand you feel what you feel, but its misplaced.
Back when I was married to my first husband, and had just had our son (first baby) I had to leave him. I had to leave him for me, and for our son.
He was not an addict when we got married, nor when we got pregnant. But someplace along the line......he got way into drugs and the drug *world*
He refused to stop.
The lies..omg the lies.

I so wanted him to stop using. But he didnt want to. Even if it meant losing me, and our son. I sort of waited around for him for almost 2 yrs.



I didnt really feel guilty over it. I knew I had to leave.
Eventually my ex did stop using. Well, not entirely true because he would relapse over and over after yrs of staying sober. I'm guessing his health is now so bad, I dont think he uses any longer.
And we are friends again.


Im sorry you are hurting now. But please know you did nothing to feel guilty for.
Feel the hurt, realize the guilt is just pain.
You cant fix him, but you can fix you.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to sidewalker For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (11-01-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), xolady (11-01-2018)
  #16  
Old 11-01-2018, 07:24 AM
Ohaithrashley Ohaithrashley is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: North Carolina / United States
Posts: 13
Thanks: 49
Thanked 36 Times in 12 Posts
Default

Thank you all so much for letting me vent & get some of this out and for your feedback & encouragement.



UPDATE : His best friend texted me last night saying "He wants you to come and visit him and or talk to him."



So naturally, I wanted to immediately unblock the number my (now) ex calls from. I wanted to call and schedule a visit (still do). I want to know what he has to say. I want to make him understand why I am choosing to walk away and cut all ties so harshly. I want him to know I love him. But that I can't do this. I want to rid myself of the guilt I am feeling.



But I know it won't go that way. I know if I visit him 1 of 2 things will happen (or both...)

1. He'll be angry & tell me how I've abandoned him in his time of need. I am a coward, etc etc. He hopes I'll never find happiness, he hates me, etc etc.
2. He'll apologize profusley for the money he has gone through this month. The way he has demanded of me. For the things he has called me. Tell me I am his best friend. I am his love. I am his fiance. He wants to marry me etc etc.


And then nothing will change. Because we've done this dance before, over and over again. And I've never put my foot down. I have degraded myself and disrespected myself begging for him to love me. And I am tired of it. I love him, but I do not think he is capable of being the man I need. Not now. And I wonder if I am handicapping him by doing for him. I have taken care of this man (33) as if he was my child, while I am 7 years his younger. Paid his rent, gotten him phones, let him borrow my car, gotten him a credit card & made payments on it, bought him clothes, sent him money, paid for his lawyers, etc.



So today the struggle is continuing to stay strong and stick to my word. To not cave in and schedule a visit. To not cave in and unblock his number. To not cave in and write him.

And this is a minute by minute struggle.



Suggestions on how to stay occupied and continue to stand firm in this?
Reply With Quote
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Ohaithrashley For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), fbopnomore (11-01-2018), mazee56 (11-02-2018), rubyz (11-24-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), sidewalker (11-01-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
  #17  
Old 11-01-2018, 07:43 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is online now
CA, LASO, site sug. SUPER MOD

PTO Super Moderator Staff Superstar Winner 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ca usa
Posts: 30,774
Thanks: 54,112
Thanked 28,698 Times in 14,451 Posts
Default

Throw yourself into work. Exercise, walk, read a book. get lost in that book.
Then read another one. Go to the mall. People watch.

Visit a family member or good friend.
If your into churches.......go visit one of those.


I'd not unblock him. Not until you are feeling less vunerable. (sorry spelling)
__________________
My windows aren't dirty

That's my dog's nose art

Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to sidewalker For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (11-01-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
  #18  
Old 11-01-2018, 07:47 AM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Super Moderator

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 24,660
Thanks: 7,156
Thanked 30,623 Times in 11,025 Posts
Default

There's a place that virtually all of us have in our minds....the place where we go when pleas for money for orphans come up, when abused animals fling themselves in front of us, when all the other sad stuff in the world comes to our attention. Use that place. It's an important place that lets us know that we just don't have it to give, when compassion fatigue sets in.

And get busy - you have plenty to do, so throw yourself into it! Or go find an animal shelter where puppies need holding and kittens need crushed paper balls to be thrown for them. Stop in to a neighbor's just to say hello. Call your family!!!!!

And hug yourself - it's something you need to doo. Cherishing your sanity and sobriety is really important. They are a gift that's not to be taken lightly. Go to meetings - AA or NA doesn't matter, but they will help you.

Meanwhile, get used to saying, right out loud "I AM WORTH IT!". It will feel stupid for a while, and you may only be able to whisper it, but you'll get there!
__________________
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), fbopnomore (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (11-01-2018), rubyz (11-24-2018), Sarianna (11-01-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
  #19  
Old 11-01-2018, 01:38 PM
LifeTraveler's Avatar
LifeTraveler LifeTraveler is offline
Crazy Cajun Super Moderator

PTOQ Editorial Team Member PTO Super Moderator 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Louisiana, USA
Posts: 16,755
Thanks: 16,729
Thanked 18,310 Times in 7,153 Posts
Default

Honey, there is a simple saying, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Bottom line is that you are this man's financial lifeline, and he'll say anything to keep it that way while he is locked up and after he comes out.


You cannot love anybody until you learn to love YOURSELF first. You're pouring all of yourself out on him and neglecting yourself.



YOU didn't cause his addiction. YOU can't control his addiction, and YOU can't cure him. He doesn't even love himself right now. How can he love you?


Take that guilt and throw it in the garbage can. It's time for him to stand on his own two feet and take stock of his life and how he can change it. You cannot do that for him. All you've done at this point is make yourself sick over things you cannot control.


You CAN control yourself and do what is necessary to make yourself whole again. Stand firm in your resolve to stay away from him. It may hurt now, but you will be stronger in the end.
__________________
Life Traveler
Super Moderator
LASO, Immigration, Drug & Alcohol Treatment & Rehab, Louisiana, Ohio











Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to LifeTraveler For This Useful Post:
choclgs (11-01-2018), Ohaithrashley (11-01-2018), Rigora (11-02-2018), Sarianna (11-02-2018), sidewalker (11-02-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
  #20  
Old 11-02-2018, 06:54 AM
Rigora Rigora is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 130
Thanks: 77
Thanked 213 Times in 88 Posts
Default

Right now, your man is trying to guilt you into staying. He's trying to manipulate you, and make YOU out to be the bad guy in this situation. His actions are what put him in prison, and it is NOT your job to take care of him. It is NOT your job to keep money on his books. It is NOT your job to make his prison stay easier.

Over time, the guilt DOES subside. I was only with my ex for 10 months, but in that time we were homeless, I racked up debt, ruined my credit score, and now have a misdemeanor. He is a drug addict. He didn't care about me, it was just about how he could use me to get what he wanted. After we found out I was pregnant, I thought something HAD to change. Nothing did. I started trying to leave, and he'd chase me down high as a kite and I'd go back just to shut him up. He hoped I'd lose the baby, he talked about how it wasn't even his because I was such a whore (I never cheated), and that if I ever left him he'd leave and find a new family. Even after we broke up, he thought we were still together until he received custody papers.

I felt like I abandoned him when I broke up with him. But I was only staying with him out of guilt. How could I leave someone who has no one? Because at some point, we have to put ourselves first. Our daughter is the most important thing in this world to me, and if I stayed with him what kind of life would she have? He did so many horrible things while we were together, and all I felt for him anymore was anger. I knew we didn't have a future. I knew he wasn't going to change. He's been this person for over 15 years, and he's done the exact same thing to other women. He'll get out of prison and leave and I'll still be picking up the wreck that is my life since I met him.

Last edited by Rigora; 11-02-2018 at 06:57 AM..
Reply With Quote
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Rigora For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (11-02-2018), ktomlinson (11-03-2018), nimuay (11-02-2018), Ohaithrashley (11-02-2018), Sarianna (11-02-2018), sidewalker (11-02-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
  #21  
Old 11-02-2018, 08:20 AM
Ohaithrashley Ohaithrashley is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: North Carolina / United States
Posts: 13
Thanks: 49
Thanked 36 Times in 12 Posts
Default

I relate to this so much.

The insanity of our relationship. The sacrifices I've made.



All of it.
Thank you.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Ohaithrashley For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (11-02-2018), LifeTraveler (11-02-2018), Sarianna (11-02-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
  #22  
Old 11-02-2018, 11:01 AM
Ohaithrashley Ohaithrashley is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: North Carolina / United States
Posts: 13
Thanks: 49
Thanked 36 Times in 12 Posts
Default

UPDATE: So I've managed to keep his number/the prison number blocked since this post.
But I didn't realized that even though I blocked the number on my phone, I can still see where he has tried to call. My phone has a feature in the voicemail that says "Blocked Messages"


It shows he has tried to call 28 times since Wednesday.
And seeing that just made it so much worse....I have completely left him alone.
I feel like crap all over again.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 11-02-2018, 12:48 PM
Sarianna's Avatar
Sarianna Sarianna is offline
Midnight Sun Moderator

PTO Site Moderator 

Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Swinging from the chandelier
Posts: 2,795
Thanks: 14,286
Thanked 3,671 Times in 1,652 Posts
Default

Hang tough, woman! You are clearly a smart cookie so you KNOW these feelings of guilt and you abandoning him are just that: feelings.... Feelings go away as long as you don't dwell in them. Keep busy (great suggestions above from people sharing what they think you could do to try and distract yourself), and keep reading this thread over & over again so that you'll keep yourself in track. If you are unable to delete the feature off your phone, then don't go back to check it.

You mentioned you have a sponsor, which is absolutely great! Do you have a therapist? It could be a good idea to speak with someone if all this feels overwhelming to deal with. Are you able to lean on your family & friends for support? Often we alienate our loved ones during an abusive relationship because we get tired of them not supporting the unhealthy situation...but as you are taking steps to improve yourself & your well being, hopefully your circle of friends and family will help you get over the most difficult phase?

Something you might be interested in looking into:

DV Info/Enough NC (Domestic Violence community - but abuse comes in many shapes)

Codependency Therapists in NC (don't know your exact location, sorry)

Codependency and Addiction Center - they have a number you can call to talk!

It's okay to go through these feelings and cry and feel the pain; I believe that's the only way to get to "the other side", by feeling it all....just try and not start believing that what you feel is factual, as in, you should unblock him and run back to him...you can do this, sweetheart! We're all rooting for ya
__________________

Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sarianna For This Useful Post:
Ohaithrashley (11-02-2018), sidewalker (11-03-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
  #24  
Old 11-02-2018, 12:59 PM
Ohaithrashley Ohaithrashley is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: North Carolina / United States
Posts: 13
Thanks: 49
Thanked 36 Times in 12 Posts
Default

Thank you for those resources!


And yes, I'm checking this thread and forum REPEATEDLY. I need to keep remembering that I am sticking FIRM to this choice.



I mean my S/O no ill will. I love him. I will always love him. But this relationship is toxic--for him too! So I think this is the BEST decision to make.


I do have friends/family I can lean on. (They have been waiting for this decision a LONG time) but it's awesome to be able to come on here and be free to post my thoughts/feelings/fears without fear of being judged. My friends/family are supportive of ME--but never fans of my relationship. So some of them are quick to put him down/say what's really on their minds. It's hard to go to them. My sponsor is AMAZING support. She's open to my feelings & supportive of my decisions. I had a therapist but because of work, I can't really go frequently. I might start going back though.


And that's a good idea to just NOT look at the calls.

It makes it easier to continue to walk away.

I texted him best friend & instructed him how to put money on the phone/canteen. Of course I couldn't help myself, I had to do something...so that was my best bet of still keeping my distance while helping.

Also, he knows I get paid today. So he's gonna be calling.



Anyway; this forum has been AWESOME these last few days. I keep coming back for more support & hope & suggestions. You guys, rock! I'm weak every other second and want to unblock my (now) ex. So I need all of this encouragement and support. You guys have no idea how much you're saving me right now...
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Ohaithrashley For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (11-02-2018), Sarianna (11-03-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
  #25  
Old 11-02-2018, 01:20 PM
Gardis.Girl13 Gardis.Girl13 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Montana, USA
Posts: 18
Thanks: 13
Thanked 33 Times in 14 Posts
Default

I've been reading through this and something that caught my attention is that you have mentioned twice now that he has his best friend that is giving you updates. Honestly that right there shows that your ex is not alone. He has someone to talk to that isn't you. Not to sound harsh because it's not my intention, but what do you provide your ex that the best friend can't? And keep reminding yourself that most parents don't cut ties with their kids for no good reason. Honestly I'd stick with the advice given here and remind yourself that you are a good person that has accomplished great things and your absolutely deserve a partner that is on your level. Your ex is not on your level. Personally, I'd stop talking to his best friend too. You don't need the temptation to ask how your ex is doing and his best friend doesn't need to help with your ex's guilt trips. Walk away from ALL of it.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Gardis.Girl13 For This Useful Post:
fbopnomore (11-02-2018), rubyz (11-24-2018), Sarianna (11-03-2018), sidewalker (11-03-2018), vickyht (11-07-2018), xolady (11-03-2018)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
She walked out on me.. hookedonhydro When the Relationship is Over... 42 05-28-2009 07:23 PM
Another CO walked off... tkn2dalimit Texas General Prison Talk 7 03-01-2009 09:15 PM
My son walked out...... mishax2 Parents with Children in Prison 25 08-10-2007 06:16 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:47 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics