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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

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Yes 87 54.38%
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  #1  
Old 11-12-2015, 05:47 PM
blueshogun96 blueshogun96 is offline
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Default Any men here?

I feel like I'm the only (active) man here.

Took a look at the Girlfriends & Wives section, and it looks rather inactive. I wonder why that is? I know there's more men in prison than women, but I read that women are going to prison in increasing numbers, plus Murica is #1 in largest prison population in the world.

So, any men here supporting their wives here?

Shogun.

EDIT: I posted this in the wrong forum section by accident. Can a moderator please move it? Thanks.
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Old 11-13-2015, 03:02 AM
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Alatriste reporting in!

Yeah, we are not very active but we support our girls to the end and beyond!

I'm supporting my fiancè, she's in a state prison at Illinois. I'm from Italy and I'm going to visit her on xmas.

She's my sweet angel and I love her unconditionally. I miss her so bad
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Old 11-13-2015, 07:35 AM
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Thank you for supporting your ladies!
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Old 11-14-2015, 06:15 AM
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Stay strong gentleman. I have been here for 3.5 years supporting my wife..learning and most importantly helping and supporting others. It's a dark and sometimes lonley road but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train. We have 38 days left on this journey and then we can breathe again!! Keep the faith y'all!
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Old 11-14-2015, 11:34 AM
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I do prison and jail ministry, and two of my pen pals are women doing long sentences (life in GA and 25 years in TX). Since release is not any sort of immediate prospect (to say the least) I just try to be supportive, send a few things they might need, and in general give them a break from thinking about prison. In the regional jail ministry, I can only have classes with the men, but there are ladies from my church to visit with the women.
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Old 11-14-2015, 01:36 PM
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No, I am not a man. I am a woman with my loved one in prison. I am the moderator of this particular forum and I would love to see it become more active. So, throw out some ideas and lets get it there! How do you see this area growing? What would you like to see here? I'm sure if more men start posting there will be more men responding! You guys rock! Thank you for being on PTO and thank you for being big supporters or your wives/girlfriends or your penpals!
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Old 11-15-2015, 10:52 AM
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Finding this forum was a god send for me. Hearing from the few men in here was extremely helpful too. But, the ENTIRE forum, helped me more than anything. It is a a very dark and lonely road sometimes. You gotta hang in there. She needs you. Not a lot of support for a lot of women in the system.
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Old 11-16-2015, 04:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cutepixie View Post
No, I am not a man. I am a woman with my loved one in prison. I am the moderator of this particular forum and I would love to see it become more active. So, throw out some ideas and lets get it there! How do you see this area growing? What would you like to see here? I'm sure if more men start posting there will be more men responding! You guys rock! Thank you for being on PTO and thank you for being big supporters or your wives/girlfriends or your penpals!
And that's a very good question. I'm not sure how to answer this. Since I'm new to this forum, and new to a forum of this nature, I dunno what to say.

But even in this forum section, it appears to be mostly women responding either way, so I dunno if me posting more would effect that.

Shogun.
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Old 11-16-2015, 06:34 PM
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Originally Posted by blueshogun96 View Post
And that's a very good question. I'm not sure how to answer this. Since I'm new to this forum, and new to a forum of this nature, I dunno what to say.

But even in this forum section, it appears to be mostly women responding either way, so I dunno if me posting more would effect that.

Shogun.
You post whenever you feel that you need to, be it to ask questions or vent, or just express how you're feeling at any given moment. We will always welcome your input.
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  #10  
Old 11-26-2015, 10:12 AM
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Im a woman who's husband is out now.
But you are right there are alot more women supporting their loved ones it seems than men.
Sure does not mean we cant support the guys who are going thru the same crap we did. (meaning us ladies can relate to the men who's loved ones are in prison)
Guess the more guys are not into *sharing* or the like as much as us women do.
(yeah, call me sexist I guess....but it just seems that way to me)

Anyway....welcome to PTO and the Wives and Girlfriends in prison forum.
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Old 11-27-2015, 09:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
Im a woman who's husband is out now.
But you are right there are alot more women supporting their loved ones it seems than men.
Sure does not mean we cant support the guys who are going thru the same crap we did. (meaning us ladies can relate to the men who's loved ones are in prison)
Guess the more guys are not into *sharing* or the like as much as us women do.
(yeah, call me sexist I guess....but it just seems that way to me)

Anyway....welcome to PTO and the Wives and Girlfriends in prison forum.
I read the stats, and women only make up 8% of the prison population in my state. So I don't believe it's because we are not willing to support our loved ones, it's that women are less likely to be in prison. Plus it's a proven statistic that they get lesser sentences then men do for the same time. In my experience, men are more *sharing* than women have been, but I wouldn't be surprised if we had an easier time severing relationships.

Frankly, I really don't want to argue gender politics and all that stuff. And no, having an opinion does not make you sexist, nor do I take any offense to it either (because I'm too old for that ). Thanks though.

Shogun.
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  #12  
Old 11-29-2015, 01:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueshogun96 View Post
I feel like I'm the only (active) man here.

Took a look at the Girlfriends & Wives section, and it looks rather inactive. I wonder why that is? I know there's more men in prison than women, but I read that women are going to prison in increasing numbers, plus Murica is #1 in largest prison population in the world.

So, any men here supporting their wives here?

Shogun.

EDIT: I posted this in the wrong forum section by accident. Can a moderator please move it? Thanks.
It's not my wife in prison but my girlfriend. Wife maybe someday but after her release. My girl is in Florida..as am I. Hope you're doing well and most importantly, I hope your wife is doing as well as can be expected.
Al
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Old 11-30-2015, 12:34 PM
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It's not my wife in prison but my girlfriend. Wife maybe someday but after her release. My girl is in Florida..as am I. Hope you're doing well and most importantly, I hope your wife is doing as well as can be expected.
Al
Thanks Al. She's also my girlfriend, and I should have included that in my OP. So I guess we can say that she's my "potential wife". While I don't look forward to marriage contracts and licenses (I don't believe it should be any of the government's business), I do look forward to everything else.

Shogun
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Old 11-30-2015, 01:03 PM
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I also Have a Girlfriend and future Wife in prison at Perryville in Arizona and she will be getting out in 20 months or 1 more Xmas and 2 more Birthdays sound less to me , It has been a long and lonely trip so fare but we are hanging in there and the Holidays are the hardest , we are now talking about her parole and her Brother who wants to protect her from going back in once she is out , but I have not talked to him about this and what I will be able to do and my role either , I kind of think he does not like me , so this is going to be hard for me not to see her once she is out, but the support I get makes a big difference because some of you have already gotten past this and are a BIG HELP. Thanks too all of you who read this and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to All..

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Old 12-07-2015, 05:33 PM
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Yeah, we're here. Some of us lie dormant in the background as our relationships with the system and with our loved ones change, evolve, expand, contract, and do those crazy things.

In my experience, being 4 years down this road....in my early days I wanted to support and be supported. As time went on, I felt like I couldn't relate to a lot of people around here. I still follow the boards but until today had stayed away from posting for a long time, and I'm not sure that I'd start posting again.

The Prison Boyfriend/Husband is a rare breed and in my experience, by and large, lone wolves unto themselves. When I've gone to visit her, it seems like most of the people visiting are mothers, fathers, siblings, and children. Very rarely is it a boyfriend or a husband. And frankly, the few boyfriend/husband types in there....I can't connect with.

I'll tell you a story. For various reasons I won't get into here, she's lost visiting during periods. She recently got non-contact visiting privileges back, but that means waiting in the same common area as people with contact visits. So I'm sitting there waiting for some security thing to clear on her unit so they can escort her to non-contact, and there's this other guy waiting with me. He's visibly agitated. He goes over and asks the officer on duty what's going on and the officer said "she knows, she's getting ready." The guy visibly rolls his eyes.

I try to start a conversation with him. "Friend, family, or more?" and he says "more." She's been down a year. Has two to go apparently. And the whole time he sat there he just acted annoyed. He was annoyed that she was taking the time to "get ready." Yeah, I get that they all come out wearing blue shirts and dark blue pants and maybe a DOC-issued coat or whatever, but the girls like to spruce up what they can. It's important. It seems to be part of what allows them to stay in touch with their femininity, and if I have learned anything about life in a womens' prison from talking to women who are there or have been there, it's that once they go back out that visiting room door, any semblance of "normal" disappears. For that reason I never minded much if she kept me waiting for a visit a bit to "pretty up" as she puts it. It's her way to feel something normal.

I don't know how that guy has survived for a year, let alone how he'll make it another 2. The attitude he has is absolutely terrible, and he brings it to a place where a negative attitude will eat you alive.

So yeah. Some come here for support. I have found support, comfort, and sometimes entertainment browsing through these forums the past few years. It's not quite what I need...and that's okay. The fact that this site exists is a good thing on the whole, and it's not going to fill every one of every person's needs.

But what I can say four years in, and now counting down the months until she gets out and we can figure out if "this" works in a real-world sense or if we were just meant to get through this time together and then go on to other things (hopefully better for the experience....) is that I would not wish what I have been through on anybody.

I commend the women who have been through the "prison wife" experience and kept up a positive, ambitious attitude, sometimes in the face of sentences much longer than what "Dee" has experienced because honestly, I can't relate to them. This experience has made me a harder person. My trust of law enforcement is gone. I've seen the ugly, judgmental sides of people. I've come to believe that the system is broken. Guys like MikeQ who post here who's wife has been locked up in a couple of the same places (I haven't made his acquaintance personally but he seems like a good dude,) I give a ton of credit to.

I don't know if it's because we as men are not psychologically built for sticking by someone we can't regularly see or touch that has, in some ways, greater needs than the women around us seem to have, or if I'm truly just experiencing a unique phenomenon, but I know two things.
1.) Prison husbands are the EXCEPTION, not the RULE.
2.) I would not do this again, not for anyone.

I almost want to write some sort of article or book warning men to stay far, far away from this experience unless they are REALLY sure about what they're doing. Same thing goes for you ladies out there in same-sex relationships.

The only thing that keeps me from walking away for good comes in those moments we get to see each other. Right now it's through some hashed-glass and a weird break in a cage that has to be about 6 inches high and 18 inches wide. I pick up one line, she picks up the other, and I'm back to having a conversation with the woman who, through the triumphs and tears of the past 5 1/2 years, has been my best friend, my confidant, and, most importantly, has always lifted me up as much as I lifted her. I don't know what the "outside world" has in store for us, but I can attest that when it's real, you can build love 15 minutes at a time over the phone and through letters when the option to visit is taken away or severely limited. That's been us for the past 3 years.

I've seen a lot of different advice given. I've mixed and matched some of my own. Here it is.
1.) Don't stop living your life. I've kept friendships, made new friendships, attend sporting events and concerts, got a Masters Degree, and spend a good amount of time with my children.
2.) Don't get involved in prison life. It will only serve to make things miserable for you both. One of you needs to keep a foot in reality, and since you're the one providing the outside support, it should probably be you.
3.) Write letters. They're the best way to say everything you want to say and express everything you want to express in a way that she can keep and refer back to when she's trying to understand you.
4.) Don't get impatient with her at visits. Visiting is a privilege. If you don't believe me, ask the Department of Corrections. They'll remind you AND her, I'm sure.
5.) Understand that if you decide to stand by her, nothing about your life will be normal until she comes home.

If you can't follow all of that, if you think sitting at home mopey is going to help, if you can't live your life, if you can't be patient with her and the system, and if you're going to be like the guy who's openly and visibly annoyed at the whole process....do yourself and her a favor and let her go. I know I might get some flack for saying that. Believe me, I have heard stories and Dee's asserted to me....so many women in there have nothing. But if you're not going to be a support who can, at the same time, take care of yourself and not simply find the process of crime and punishment "annoying" (although, given, some elements of it are VERY annoying,) then walk out the door and don't look back.

I don't make excuses for her anymore. She's done what she's done. I know what she did. I know why she did it. I know the various social and psychological factors and the abuse component. All of it. I'm so jaded by the punch lines it's not even funny. And she knows too and she has reached a point where the finger that used to point at so many others has squarely turned on herself and she has said "I need to make this work for me...." I forget about them. I just focus on what brings me peace about her, and I pray, because ultimately her decisions belong to her, I pray she makes the right ones and I pray that she is truly a changed woman when she comes home.

Because I can't go through this again. And I won't.

Blessings on all of you who have a stronger resolve than I.

-E
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Old 12-10-2015, 08:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
Yeah, we're here. Some of us lie dormant in the background as our relationships with the system and with our loved ones change, evolve, expand, contract, and do those crazy things.

In my experience, being 4 years down this road....in my early days I wanted to support and be supported. As time went on, I felt like I couldn't relate to a lot of people around here. I still follow the boards but until today had stayed away from posting for a long time, and I'm not sure that I'd start posting again.

The Prison Boyfriend/Husband is a rare breed and in my experience, by and large, lone wolves unto themselves. When I've gone to visit her, it seems like most of the people visiting are mothers, fathers, siblings, and children. Very rarely is it a boyfriend or a husband. And frankly, the few boyfriend/husband types in there....I can't connect with.

I'll tell you a story. For various reasons I won't get into here, she's lost visiting during periods. She recently got non-contact visiting privileges back, but that means waiting in the same common area as people with contact visits. So I'm sitting there waiting for some security thing to clear on her unit so they can escort her to non-contact, and there's this other guy waiting with me. He's visibly agitated. He goes over and asks the officer on duty what's going on and the officer said "she knows, she's getting ready." The guy visibly rolls his eyes.

I try to start a conversation with him. "Friend, family, or more?" and he says "more." She's been down a year. Has two to go apparently. And the whole time he sat there he just acted annoyed. He was annoyed that she was taking the time to "get ready." Yeah, I get that they all come out wearing blue shirts and dark blue pants and maybe a DOC-issued coat or whatever, but the girls like to spruce up what they can. It's important. It seems to be part of what allows them to stay in touch with their femininity, and if I have learned anything about life in a womens' prison from talking to women who are there or have been there, it's that once they go back out that visiting room door, any semblance of "normal" disappears. For that reason I never minded much if she kept me waiting for a visit a bit to "pretty up" as she puts it. It's her way to feel something normal.

I don't know how that guy has survived for a year, let alone how he'll make it another 2. The attitude he has is absolutely terrible, and he brings it to a place where a negative attitude will eat you alive.

So yeah. Some come here for support. I have found support, comfort, and sometimes entertainment browsing through these forums the past few years. It's not quite what I need...and that's okay. The fact that this site exists is a good thing on the whole, and it's not going to fill every one of every person's needs.

But what I can say four years in, and now counting down the months until she gets out and we can figure out if "this" works in a real-world sense or if we were just meant to get through this time together and then go on to other things (hopefully better for the experience....) is that I would not wish what I have been through on anybody.

I commend the women who have been through the "prison wife" experience and kept up a positive, ambitious attitude, sometimes in the face of sentences much longer than what "Dee" has experienced because honestly, I can't relate to them. This experience has made me a harder person. My trust of law enforcement is gone. I've seen the ugly, judgmental sides of people. I've come to believe that the system is broken. Guys like MikeQ who post here who's wife has been locked up in a couple of the same places (I haven't made his acquaintance personally but he seems like a good dude,) I give a ton of credit to.

I don't know if it's because we as men are not psychologically built for sticking by someone we can't regularly see or touch that has, in some ways, greater needs than the women around us seem to have, or if I'm truly just experiencing a unique phenomenon, but I know two things.
1.) Prison husbands are the EXCEPTION, not the RULE.
2.) I would not do this again, not for anyone.

I almost want to write some sort of article or book warning men to stay far, far away from this experience unless they are REALLY sure about what they're doing. Same thing goes for you ladies out there in same-sex relationships.

The only thing that keeps me from walking away for good comes in those moments we get to see each other. Right now it's through some hashed-glass and a weird break in a cage that has to be about 6 inches high and 18 inches wide. I pick up one line, she picks up the other, and I'm back to having a conversation with the woman who, through the triumphs and tears of the past 5 1/2 years, has been my best friend, my confidant, and, most importantly, has always lifted me up as much as I lifted her. I don't know what the "outside world" has in store for us, but I can attest that when it's real, you can build love 15 minutes at a time over the phone and through letters when the option to visit is taken away or severely limited. That's been us for the past 3 years.

I've seen a lot of different advice given. I've mixed and matched some of my own. Here it is.
1.) Don't stop living your life. I've kept friendships, made new friendships, attend sporting events and concerts, got a Masters Degree, and spend a good amount of time with my children.
2.) Don't get involved in prison life. It will only serve to make things miserable for you both. One of you needs to keep a foot in reality, and since you're the one providing the outside support, it should probably be you.
3.) Write letters. They're the best way to say everything you want to say and express everything you want to express in a way that she can keep and refer back to when she's trying to understand you.
4.) Don't get impatient with her at visits. Visiting is a privilege. If you don't believe me, ask the Department of Corrections. They'll remind you AND her, I'm sure.
5.) Understand that if you decide to stand by her, nothing about your life will be normal until she comes home.

If you can't follow all of that, if you think sitting at home mopey is going to help, if you can't live your life, if you can't be patient with her and the system, and if you're going to be like the guy who's openly and visibly annoyed at the whole process....do yourself and her a favor and let her go. I know I might get some flack for saying that. Believe me, I have heard stories and Dee's asserted to me....so many women in there have nothing. But if you're not going to be a support who can, at the same time, take care of yourself and not simply find the process of crime and punishment "annoying" (although, given, some elements of it are VERY annoying,) then walk out the door and don't look back.

I don't make excuses for her anymore. She's done what she's done. I know what she did. I know why she did it. I know the various social and psychological factors and the abuse component. All of it. I'm so jaded by the punch lines it's not even funny. And she knows too and she has reached a point where the finger that used to point at so many others has squarely turned on herself and she has said "I need to make this work for me...." I forget about them. I just focus on what brings me peace about her, and I pray, because ultimately her decisions belong to her, I pray she makes the right ones and I pray that she is truly a changed woman when she comes home.

Because I can't go through this again. And I won't.

Blessings on all of you who have a stronger resolve than I.

-E
Hell of a post.

I always have to wait as well; when she was in county she'd draw eyeliner on with a colored pencil (it looked incredible) before coming out to see me. Almost every bit of those girls' dignity is taken away on the inside; anything they can do to make themselves feel beautiful is sacred. Respect it. We can wait 20 minutes, ya know?

The angry guy in your post, I've met that guy a few times. It always comes down to them making this situation about them. The whole "I can't believe I'm having to sit here with these lowly people and a prison full of criminals. And you're the reason I have to do this, YOU did this to me. ME. ME. ME." attitude towards their inmate. It ain't about you today, buddy.

I am 100% behind you on the 'trust of law enforcement" thing. The second she gets out, we are leaving the south.

And In regards to the original post: I've thought about it a lot over the past couple years my inmate we've have been going through this, and we've talked about it often. I think it comes down to the fact that men and women are different, have different needs, and deal with things in similar, but certainly different, ways.

And I don't have the answers here, just observations: I don't have any stats either, but I don't think it's unreasonable to go ahead and assert that women in prison "switch teams" and get into relationships with one another at a higher rate than men. I don't mean simply sex, I mean actual relationships.

I've also noticed that, while a large percentage of the girls on the yard have "tricks," they seem to be a little more transparent about it than male prisoners. You've seen the horror stories on here; a woman will come in contact with a prisoner, things get romantic, the woman gives her inmate love and financial support, and then the guy gets out and disappears. I am by NO MEANS saying that is always the case, but it certainly does happen, unfortunately.

But with the girls.... it's like the men supporting them have different expectations. I liken it to a strip club, ya know? The guys know the girls don't actually like them, but they still go because they're getting something out of the exchange. Same reasoning applies here.

Lastly, there's the Hybristophilia. But I'm not even going to go there.

I'd like to hear further thoughts from the men lurking around.!
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Old 12-11-2015, 05:28 PM
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Hell of a post.

I always have to wait as well; when she was in county she'd draw eyeliner on with a colored pencil (it looked incredible) before coming out to see me. Almost every bit of those girls' dignity is taken away on the inside; anything they can do to make themselves feel beautiful is sacred. Respect it. We can wait 20 minutes, ya know?

The angry guy in your post, I've met that guy a few times. It always comes down to them making this situation about them. The whole "I can't believe I'm having to sit here with these lowly people and a prison full of criminals. And you're the reason I have to do this, YOU did this to me. ME. ME. ME." attitude towards their inmate. It ain't about you today, buddy.

I am 100% behind you on the 'trust of law enforcement" thing. The second she gets out, we are leaving the south.

And In regards to the original post: I've thought about it a lot over the past couple years my inmate we've have been going through this, and we've talked about it often. I think it comes down to the fact that men and women are different, have different needs, and deal with things in similar, but certainly different, ways.

And I don't have the answers here, just observations: I don't have any stats either, but I don't think it's unreasonable to go ahead and assert that women in prison "switch teams" and get into relationships with one another at a higher rate than men. I don't mean simply sex, I mean actual relationships.

I've also noticed that, while a large percentage of the girls on the yard have "tricks," they seem to be a little more transparent about it than male prisoners. You've seen the horror stories on here; a woman will come in contact with a prisoner, things get romantic, the woman gives her inmate love and financial support, and then the guy gets out and disappears. I am by NO MEANS saying that is always the case, but it certainly does happen, unfortunately.

But with the girls.... it's like the men supporting them have different expectations. I liken it to a strip club, ya know? The guys know the girls don't actually like them, but they still go because they're getting something out of the exchange. Same reasoning applies here.

Lastly, there's the Hybristophilia. But I'm not even going to go there.

I'd like to hear further thoughts from the men lurking around.!
Thanks Davis, and some tremendous insights yourself on some of these things. I have to say, reading this I thought to myself "finally. Someone who gets it." Thanks for sharing.

One thing I would say...and I get that being away from someone you love will make you emotional. But a few of the posts I have seen in here over the years make me a bit uneasy because it looks like some of the men just absolutely fall apart. I get we all have different make-ups, and I don't hold that against them, but I just can't relate.

Admittedly, about a year and a quarter in, when there were some problems, I hit a personal low and had a moment or ten where I felt helpless. But there were reasons for that that went far beyond just her being locked up. (Let's just say that the California Department of Corrections and I are NOT BFFs.) And I pretty much went full-warrior mode and started filing Internal Affairs complaints against officers....and drew some blood, to put it lightly. Now that I'm older and wiser so to speak...I don't think I would have handled it quite that way. To this day, when we talk about that situation and our relationship in general she says "you're the kind of guy who, when there's a fire and everyone's running out of the building, you're running in on a suicide mission and getting everyone else out. Usually I am everyone else, so I appreciate that, but maybe it's time we both walk away from this place before we both burn up...just know that I've come to realize that I'm stuck with you, and I am more than okay with that." LOL!

Your point about relationships and sex is valid and true. I'll spare you the deeper inner workings of my relationship with Dee but we have very open conversations. This time has changed both our views on love and sexuality. It has, in the long run, made us both much more sure about our own relationship. But to say it hasn't been weird at times....well, I'd be lying. It has been weird. Very. Very. Weird.

I think, for a free man-captive woman relationship to work, it takes a certain amount of creativity, cynicism, being able to keep a sense of humor, laughing at bizarre times, and a tolerance for the absurd. Because so much about the experience is weird. We do seem to have a much different dynamic than free woman-captive man relationships. I've reached a point where nothing surprises me. But I will say this, and we had a good laugh last week in visiting recapping what we've been through....she told me "sometimes I can't believe you're still here." And I said "well babe...I'm never bored, and I've learned to expect the unexpected. But it was like that before you were locked up too. So I know, whether I'm wealthy or poor, years from now I'll be able to say I was never bored, for better or for worse." She laughed and said "well...maybe it'll be okay if the next four years are relatively boring."

I could go for that. I'd like to be able to have her around my family and my kids and not have that worry about drugs and crime and all that in the back of my head. I await the day when I don't have movie night alone.

Hope to see you around here more Davis.

-E
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Old 12-12-2015, 08:28 AM
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...

Admittedly, about a year and a quarter in, when there were some problems, I hit a personal low and had a moment or ten where I felt helpless. But there were reasons for that that went far beyond just her being locked up. (Let's just say that the California Department of Corrections and I are NOT BFFs.) And I pretty much went full-warrior mode and started filing Internal Affairs complaints against officers....and drew some blood, to put it lightly. Now that I'm older and wiser so to speak...I don't think I would have handled it quite that way. To this day, when we talk about that situation and our relationship in general she says "you're the kind of guy who, when there's a fire and everyone's running out of the building, you're running in on a suicide mission and getting everyone else out. ...

Your point about relationships and sex is valid and true. I'll spare you the deeper inner workings of my relationship with Dee but we have very open conversations. This time has changed both our views on love and sexuality. It has, in the long run, made us both much more sure about our own relationship. But to say it hasn't been weird at times....well, I'd be lying. It has been weird. Very. Very. Weird.

I think, for a free man-captive woman relationship to work, it takes a certain amount of creativity, cynicism, being able to keep a sense of humor, laughing at bizarre times, and a tolerance for the absurd. Because so much about the experience is weird. We do seem to have a much different dynamic than free woman-captive man relationships. I've reached a point where nothing surprises me. But I will say this, and we had a good laugh last week in visiting recapping what we've been through....she told me "sometimes I can't believe you're still here." And I said "well babe...I'm never bored, and I've learned to expect the unexpected. But it was like that before you were locked up too. So I know, whether I'm wealthy or poor, years from now I'll be able to say I was never bored, for better or for worse." She laughed and said "well...maybe it'll be okay if the next four years are relatively boring."

I could go for that. I'd like to be able to have her around my family and my kids and not have that worry about drugs and crime and all that in the back of my head. I await the day when I don't have movie night alone.

Hope to see you around here more Davis.

-E
I've known my MWI for 6 months now. Your statement above about the feeling of being helpless is dead on. I don't have a fight going on with the DOC but it's more of the "she's there and I'm here" feeling and the inability to lend a shoulder or a hug or to cheer her up when she's depressed. Recently, there was a problem getting my phone approved so she can call me. She's allowed only 2 months during the year for any changes. Her month "was" October. She submitted the form 3 times and she goofed the first time, second and third times the staff there said the inmate submitted wrong (no proof of course) and she says they messed up. So everyone was standing in a circle pointing to the left saying "It's her fault". Finally...something I might be able to help with. I am prior military and understand hierarchy, chain of command, all that. I started low with the intention of going as high as necessary. The "phone lady" was very accommodating and worked with me. It was actually HER efforts that finally got the phone approved so she can call me. Now I just have to wait a week or two before my girl knows about it. Sigh. But, I'm glad I didn't go in with slash and burn on my mind. I calmed down, started low...tried using sugar instead of gasoline...and got the approval I wanted in December. The "Phone Lady" allowed the update in December when she could have...by prison rules...have said she would have to wait until April. There is very much an "us vs them" thing in the prisons with regards to staff and inmates.
Now...as for the relationships. Yes...my girl also has women friends inside. I'm a guy so that doesn't bother me like it would if it was her and a male guard. The thing I have to remember is she is the one inside. I can't begrudge her some emotional and sexual support. I know I can't help her there so I know she's got friends there who help in that respect. I know it helps her cope so that is a good thing. Besides...I can't bitch about everything. I'm supposed to be positive for her...that's my job. My first visit will be soon...the 20th of December. Once we can meet and talk...and talk on the phone...our relationship will change. To date, it's been all snail mail. That is a tough way to go. The delays cause some miscommunication problems but we've weathered those.

When a guy is in a relationship with a lady on the inside...he'll grab any opportunity to show her he is her knight in shining armor. You just have to be careful not to cause more harm than good when you jump in with both feet to "help". I'm glad I calmed down when working with the phone approval stuff. I could have caused quite a problem if I had gone ballistic. Patience is not a virtue I'm in possession of...but I'm learning. She's been dealing with it all on a 24/7 basis and she has 5 more years. I need to realize that and take a chill pill so I don't cause her problems. It's hard to hold back sometimes but I just need to remember that my focus is to support "her"...not beat up on the staff. It isn't about me, no matter how much I think it might be.
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Old 12-12-2015, 08:55 AM
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I'm just going to throw this out there even though I know it is going to probably rub some people the wrong way. I have no data to back this up, I am only speaking from my own perspective and reasoning. Truly "good" men who take the role of provider and protector seriously maintain and environment for ALL their loved ones that is not conducive to criminal or self-destructive behavior. Ergo, based on my personal definition of a good man it is unlikely for any woman living in a environment where criminal, unethical and immoral behavior is mutually avoided with their partner is going to go to prison for any reason. Note that I said 'unlikely'. It does happen, but in my opinion that is the reason we don't see much male support on the forum. I have to point out that a person can be consider a "bad" man and still be in a loving relationship with a woman, but such a man does his woman a grave dis-service if he encourages or is complacent about criminal behavior. My conclusion and contention is that an overwhelmingly large portion of women in prison did not have a good man in their life when they went to prison to begin with.
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Old 12-12-2015, 12:06 PM
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...My conclusion and contention is that an overwhelmingly large portion of women in prison did not have a good man in their life when they went to prison to begin with.
My MWI did not have a good man in her life before prison. He's in prison also...for the same crime that she was involved in. For some reason though...he got a lighter sentence by 3 years than she did. Bottom line though is I think you're on the money.
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:02 PM
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I'm just going to throw this out there even though I know it is going to probably rub some people the wrong way. I have no data to back this up, I am only speaking from my own perspective and reasoning. Truly "good" men who take the role of provider and protector seriously maintain and environment for ALL their loved ones that is not conducive to criminal or self-destructive behavior. Ergo, based on my personal definition of a good man it is unlikely for any woman living in a environment where criminal, unethical and immoral behavior is mutually avoided with their partner is going to go to prison for any reason. Note that I said 'unlikely'. It does happen, but in my opinion that is the reason we don't see much male support on the forum. I have to point out that a person can be consider a "bad" man and still be in a loving relationship with a woman, but such a man does his woman a grave dis-service if he encourages or is complacent about criminal behavior. My conclusion and contention is that an overwhelmingly large portion of women in prison did not have a good man in their life when they went to prison to begin with.
Nothing wrong with speaking your perspective. It's well-noted. And agreed. Dee was in a 10 year marriage before we got involved, and a lot of what set her on that path stemmed from that marriage. I won't blame her ex-husband for her actions because she's ultimately responsible. But I will say that he played a significant role. He had no problem with "dirty money" coming in until she got sick and it stopped coming in. After they separated he put a lot of pressure on her to make money, did a dandy job of controlling her access to the kids, and did everything he could to tear her down. I guess to him dirty money was better than no money. I guess he was okay with his wife being 90 pounds and hopped up on methamphetamine when the dough was rolling in, but not so much when she was starting to hear voices and see things and having suicide attempts.

Like I've said. She's ultimately responsible for her actions. He certainly didn't help things. And by the time I came along, it was going to take nothing short of a targeted, Herculean intervention to stop it.
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Old 12-13-2015, 12:16 PM
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I've known my MWI for 6 months now. Your statement above about the feeling of being helpless is dead on. I don't have a fight going on with the DOC but it's more of the "she's there and I'm here" feeling and the inability to lend a shoulder or a hug or to cheer her up when she's depressed. Recently, there was a problem getting my phone approved so she can call me. She's allowed only 2 months during the year for any changes. Her month "was" October. She submitted the form 3 times and she goofed the first time, second and third times the staff there said the inmate submitted wrong (no proof of course) and she says they messed up. So everyone was standing in a circle pointing to the left saying "It's her fault". Finally...something I might be able to help with. I am prior military and understand hierarchy, chain of command, all that. I started low with the intention of going as high as necessary. The "phone lady" was very accommodating and worked with me. It was actually HER efforts that finally got the phone approved so she can call me. Now I just have to wait a week or two before my girl knows about it. Sigh. But, I'm glad I didn't go in with slash and burn on my mind. I calmed down, started low...tried using sugar instead of gasoline...and got the approval I wanted in December. The "Phone Lady" allowed the update in December when she could have...by prison rules...have said she would have to wait until April. There is very much an "us vs them" thing in the prisons with regards to staff and inmates.
Now...as for the relationships. Yes...my girl also has women friends inside. I'm a guy so that doesn't bother me like it would if it was her and a male guard. The thing I have to remember is she is the one inside. I can't begrudge her some emotional and sexual support. I know I can't help her there so I know she's got friends there who help in that respect. I know it helps her cope so that is a good thing. Besides...I can't bitch about everything. I'm supposed to be positive for her...that's my job. My first visit will be soon...the 20th of December. Once we can meet and talk...and talk on the phone...our relationship will change. To date, it's been all snail mail. That is a tough way to go. The delays cause some miscommunication problems but we've weathered those.

When a guy is in a relationship with a lady on the inside...he'll grab any opportunity to show her he is her knight in shining armor. You just have to be careful not to cause more harm than good when you jump in with both feet to "help". I'm glad I calmed down when working with the phone approval stuff. I could have caused quite a problem if I had gone ballistic. Patience is not a virtue I'm in possession of...but I'm learning. She's been dealing with it all on a 24/7 basis and she has 5 more years. I need to realize that and take a chill pill so I don't cause her problems. It's hard to hold back sometimes but I just need to remember that my focus is to support "her"...not beat up on the staff. It isn't about me, no matter how much I think it might be.
Just to be clear, my fight with the the DOC is because they went beyond the usual slights and nonsensical weirdness in the "interest of institutional security." Since I don't know if they have people reading this forum (we're always cautioned that LE could be reading, no reason why DOC wouldn't be) I will simply say...a few of their officers decided to make it personal with me in some very inappropriate ways. Some pretty serious misconduct occurred. People deserved to be fired and disciplined. And people were. Even now when I go to visiting a couple of the officers like to let me know they've got eyes on me. I just say "that's fine, I'm just here to visit." To this point, that's been enough to get them to back up. But I do feel the need to "watch my six" as they like to say.

It's just weird. Never had that problem at either of the county jails she was at. Officers loved me. I was always helping "newbies" figure out the process and saved them several of those "ummm...what do I do?" series of questions that first-time visitors usually ask. It even got me access to one of the last visits of the day one time when I would have otherwise been much further down the list (they got an opening because someone came in who had a warrant. Busted. Whoops.)

That phone policy is different than what I am used to for sure. In California you just set up an account. No "approval" process. I guess different DOCs have different feelings about phones and institutional security.

And wow, December 20th....only a week away. I definitely wish you a great visit man! Let us know how it went.

-E
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Old 12-14-2015, 04:49 PM
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My MWI did not have a good man in her life before prison. He's in prison also...for the same crime that she was involved in. For some reason though...he got a lighter sentence by 3 years than she did. Bottom line though is I think you're on the money.
Al
I don't believe that my MWI's previous man was any good for her either. While she's responsible for her own decisions (these are adults, not children), I believe that if the previous guy didn't take her for granted and do nothing but throw his sexual aggression at her, this probably might not have happened. But then his loss is my gain, so in the end, I guess I win.

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in my opinion that is the reason we don't see much male support on the forum.
That or the very low ratio of women in jail as opposed to men that I mentioned earlier

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Old 12-22-2015, 03:43 AM
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And wow, December 20th....only a week away. I definitely wish you a great visit man! Let us know how it went.-E
MissingDee...I had my visit with my MWI Sunday, the 20th of December. It was our first visit and it could have been better BUT, it was good to see her. She was very anxious, had a hard time concentrating and was a little stand-offish. But, she's not had anyone visit her in the past 9 years that wasn't family so I can understand her being anxious. She's never had a close relationship in her life...nothing loving or tender. Her past relationships were drug/sex related and not healthy. There is a large age gap between us and her mom does not approve, so the pressure from family isn't helping. She told me that if her mom tells her not to see me anymore, then we'll be done. I didn't like hearing that but you can't fight family. Her mom asked for a pic of the two of us from our visit so once mom can "see" the age gap and my gray hair...then I imagine I'll get the polite, "Hit the curb" talk unless for some reason her mom decides her daughter's happiness is foremost and the age difference (it's a lot...33 years) is up to her daughter and I and not really mom's concern to deal with. Hopefully this all goes the right way for 'us' but I'm not too sure at the moment that it will. If mom gets to choose her daughter's mate/friends, etc...then I would think I probably don't have much of a chance. If y'all don't mind me venting just a tad now...if mom had been that interested in her life from the age of 13 to the time she was incarcerated at 17...maybe she would never have gone to prison in the first place. She lived on her own since she was 13...so where was momma then? Thanks for letting me vent...I feel better now.
Al
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Old 12-22-2015, 01:25 PM
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MissingDee...I had my visit with my MWI Sunday, the 20th of December. It was our first visit and it could have been better BUT, it was good to see her. She was very anxious, had a hard time concentrating and was a little stand-offish. But, she's not had anyone visit her in the past 9 years that wasn't family so I can understand her being anxious. She's never had a close relationship in her life...nothing loving or tender. Her past relationships were drug/sex related and not healthy. There is a large age gap between us and her mom does not approve, so the pressure from family isn't helping. She told me that if her mom tells her not to see me anymore, then we'll be done. I didn't like hearing that but you can't fight family. Her mom asked for a pic of the two of us from our visit so once mom can "see" the age gap and my gray hair...then I imagine I'll get the polite, "Hit the curb" talk unless for some reason her mom decides her daughter's happiness is foremost and the age difference (it's a lot...33 years) is up to her daughter and I and not really mom's concern to deal with. Hopefully this all goes the right way for 'us' but I'm not too sure at the moment that it will. If mom gets to choose her daughter's mate/friends, etc...then I would think I probably don't have much of a chance. If y'all don't mind me venting just a tad now...if mom had been that interested in her life from the age of 13 to the time she was incarcerated at 17...maybe she would never have gone to prison in the first place. She lived on her own since she was 13...so where was momma then? Thanks for letting me vent...I feel better now.
Al
Not a problem Al, thanks for sharing.

There are times when Dee can be the same way. Honestly, it's a combination of things and different things in different people I'm sure, but sometimes it's the confinement itself that does it. Visiting is a break from the routine. What goes on when they're back in their cells and in the yard...is not always pleasant. And Dee doesn't like talking about it. The best answer I've gotten regarding a few mysteries is "babe, I'll tell you what happened when I get home, I can't talk about it here because you never know who's listening." But I've had some visits that were very good and some...similar to what you're describing above.

Not saying that that's what it was. But obviously, it's a factor for all of these women in general.

That thought out...I am glad you finally got to see her. I hope that her mother doesn't make the age difference an issue. Maybe you could volunteer to let her mother call you and put a voice and a demeanor to the face? I don't know what the best answer is there, or if you've already suggested it. Whatever the case is, I hope that you'll be able to continue your relationship and that future visits will be more pleasant.

I don't want to assume anyone's religious beliefs here, so Merry Christmas if you celebrate it and Happy Holiday Season if you celebrate something else (or don't particularly celebrate at all...) Again, thanks for coming and sharing, Al. Please keep us updated.

-E
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