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  #26  
Old 02-10-2018, 08:14 PM
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I wish more men WOULD come forward if they are abused because I think sometimes... some women think they get a free pass to hit a guy because “he can’t hit back”... well, I wish they would report it because it’s wrong and they need help but that too.

I don’t doubt that he was abused. My only issue with the post was the implication (not just by the OP) that so many DV reports are false reports, and what REALLY burns me is the idea that no conviction means there was no abuse. And... I had (still have) a genuine concern for the OP as a potential victim.
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Old 02-10-2018, 09:48 PM
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I wish more men WOULD come forward if they are abused because I think sometimes... some women think they get a free pass to hit a guy because ďhe canít hit backĒ... well, I wish they would report it because itís wrong and they need help but that too.

I donít doubt that he was abused. My only issue with the post was the implication (not just by the OP) that so many DV reports are false reports, and what REALLY burns me is the idea that no conviction means there was no abuse. And... I had (still have) a genuine concern for the OP as a potential victim.
I went back and read the post and nowhere did the OP or anyone else state that so many DV reports are false. Maybe thatís what your perception was but I donít think it was said. You certainly can correct me if Iím wrong.

To me the OP has a very realistic idea of what the situation is and didnít paint her BF as a saint and admitted there were some things he could have done differently and they are dealing with the consequences of that now. He can be guilty of handling the situation very badly and paying the price for that and still be innocent of domestic violence. Mental illness (depression) can cause you to do a lot of things that you normally wouldnít do. i.e. cutting off his bracelet and trying to commit suicide.

Also if peopleís memories of domestic violence may trigger any symptoms of PTSD I really believe it is their responsibility to monitor what they read and are exposed to. No one can know when posting a situation what will trigger someone and I donít believe that responsibility should lie with the poster. After all they are just posting about their experiences. Stay out of the domestic violence forum if you feel it will trigger some past feelings. No one here wants that to happen.

As for these types of charges being rare, I personally know of two instances of false accusations. One of DV and one of child abuse. In neither one of these situations were the they going through a divorce. Both were found to be false and made solely for the purpose of restricting the contact the father had with the child whether that be visitation or shared custody. Really not that unusual at all.
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  #28  
Old 02-10-2018, 11:38 PM
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You want to be very, very careful of father's advocacy groups as many have a bad wrap, some very deservedly so, trying to couch domestic violence as courts against fathers. Women and children have died as a result. As a result, specific father's rights groups and the attorneys who advocate for them have a very difficult time in court.

What I was saying is about the, "not a violent bone in his body" is that your story of his story falls right smack dab in with all those common themes of new girlfriend and how they portray the old girlfriend. It is the same old, same old story.

To distinguish him from every other stalker in prison, he has to get therapy, obey the protective order that has apparently moved from emergency, through intermediate, and into plenary such that he's got a stalking wrap on him. In other words, he didn't respond to getting served, never went to court to fight the protective order at any of those stages, didn't hire an attorney to fight for him, didn't fight for reasonable visitation and joint custody, or anything like that. He needs to do that. He needs to start with obeying the OP, doing the classes recommended byDCFS, establishing his legal paternity, getting a support and visitation agreement in place, paying his support (and documenting it) and getting caught up on back support (and documenting it), getting notification of rights to records in with the child's PCP, school, and anything else that will produce records.

That he's in personal therapy - if he stays in it after the courts are off his back, perhaps he's different. But he needs to get in on the classes required by DCFS after he's established paternity.

Until he distinguishes himself from every other abuser who says, "I'm really the victim here. There was no abuse. She's crazy." He's going to be lumped in with them. And you are going to be looked at as just his next victim, one who has already drunk the Kool Aid.

And the courts and DCFS will go out of their way to protect her and the child in question.

(Oh, just appearing on the birth certificate isn't enough if he wasn't married to the woman. He needs to actually establish paternity which means a legal paternity test. He will need to have somebody with a lab or hospital scape his cheek, and the court will order the child be presented to a lab or hospital for the same reason. Further, once there is a visitation agreement in place, the child can be handed off without the parents violating a protective order. Had he gone through the court process for the emergency, intermediate, or plenary protective order, he would have found this out. Or, he could have just hired a family law attorney to do it for him.)

But, really, acknowledge that right now, based on how you are presenting things, he sounds just like every other abuser claiming to be the actual victim of the crazy ex. Don't be surprised when people point this out to you. Instead, distinguish him from the usual trope.

And don't use a father's rights group that claims that there are a lot of false abuse claims. They are quite rare, especially when there isn't a divorce proceeding in court at the time. The general rubric is if there is no divorce proceeding, then the claim is almost always valid. It's only when there's a divorce proceeding, a contentious divorce proceeding, already in court, that there can be a rise in false abuse claims. Even then, you're going to sound like trump defending those in his cabinet who have left because of allegations of abuse. They are usually accurate. More often than not, victims do not come forward, and it takes a lot to come forward, leave a relationship, and make legal complaints of violence and stalking behavior. Courts know this. They've seen it. They've heard some specific father's rights groups come forward and complain that they, the father's, are the actual victims in all of this and that reports of abuse, domestic violence, and stalking are frequently made simply to hurt the man in the relationship. Courts do not buy it. Taking this tack will harm his cause. Instead of accusing the mother, he needs to engage in constructive co-parenting after establishing his paternity. Trust me, if he's trying to engage in constructive co-parenting and she's not, the courts will take notice. If instead, he's claiming she's using protective orders against him, he's going to be viewed with a very jaundiced eye by the courts. The use of putative father's rights groups should be done very carefully, if you're insisting on going that route. Definitely stay away from the attorneys making their bread and butter on portraying the father as the victim in all of this. A father should first and foremost recognize that the only victim in a contentious custody dispute is the child. He should do everything necessary to maintain and grow the relationship of the child with the father, not engage the ex.

And again, don't be surprised if your story of his story is viewed as you demonstrating you are the next in line for domestic violence. It reads exactly like it, right down to the sources you're choosing to cite as proof that he's one of a lot of father's victimized by women making false claims. And don't be surprised when people are offended by this.

Here's my question for you:
Have you met his sister(s) (assuming he has one or more)? They are usually his first victims. Younger brothers work as his first victims, too.
Are all of his ex girlfriends crazy?
Have your relationships with your family and best friends tapered off as a result of your relationship with him?
Please don't tell me you are keeping track of her through your girlfriends, online, or through other means. If you are, he's using you to stalk her.
Are you engaged in his therapy? Are you engaged in your own therapy, especially a group like DBSA so that you can get help and support from others dealing with a LO with mood disorders?
Have you read more than a few lawyer blogs from father,s rights groups to determine what he needs to do and how you can help?
Have you obtained and read through the paperwork for his court cases? Is he encouraging you to do so? Have you encouraged him to go to his local Legal Aid clinic to get the paperwork necessary and maybe even a lawyer so that he can establish his patnerity and figure out what his rights are, and what his obligations will be?


And I could go on from there. But those things are not a part of your story of his story.
Have you met his sister(s) (assuming he has one or more)?
Yes I have, he has one younger sister who is the same age as me. They are close, he's been there for her when she's needed help with anything and she helps him also. But I doubt if I said that you'd believe it anyways, seems you have already made your mind up abut him.

Are all of his ex girlfriends crazy?
Actually no, would you believe it anyone he dated before her he's been good friends with, and if not he's never said anything bad about anyone of them, none that stood out anyways. He has a older daughter who just turned 18 years old, he's always paid child support, (except for when he was in prison of course), and he's always had contact with her. Before his ex, he's never been to prison, never had a criminal record. But again, seems you made your mind up.

Have your relationships with your family and best friends tapered off as a result of your relationship with him?
Nope, my ex husband lives downstairs on the other side of the building because we are in our going into our third year of divorce, and felt it to be easier for the kids and for us for work. When my ex goes out with his girlfriend, we would take the care of the kids, and if we go on date nights they would take care of the kids. I don't have many friends to begin with, most of all my closest friends are in Australia, most friends I have now are with work, or past jobs and yes I have no issues there if I want to go hang out at with them, go have coffee and such. Though I am fairly certain you have made your mind up on that.

Please don't tell me you are keeping track of her through your girlfriends, online, or through other means. If you are, he's using you to stalk her.
Ummm nope....firstly never even crossed my mind, I don't even know anyone she knows, and I have only seen one picture of her and it was a picture of her and his daughter at his mothers house, one of those family portraits of when his daughter was a newborn.

Are you engaged in his therapy? Are you engaged in your own therapy, especially a group like DBSA so that you can get help and support from others dealing with a LO with mood disorders?
Right now, he turned himself for parole violation, mostly due to both a mess up in his interstate compact and even though he had contact with his parole officer other issues also, so whilst he is waiting on that in the lock up, he's seeing his new parole officer on Monday to find out what classes she will have him going to, he's also going to ask her about any therapy and other means he needs to do because he wants to look at what he needs to do to get started with seeing his daughter. We both know its a long process, but you have to start some where. As for me, I see a therapist once a month.

Have you read more than a few lawyer blogs from father,s rights groups to determine what he needs to do and how you can help?
Yes I have and so has he, we both have been reading allot about fathers rights, which is one of many reasons he started in this process. And I do hope I have been helping him, but I don't do everything for him, its up to him to do what he needs to do, to better his situation. All I do is stand next to him to be his friend and to support him. All I really did was just help him open the door, it is up to him to finally walk through it.

Have you obtained and read through the paperwork for his court cases? Is he encouraging you to do so?
He was the one to give me the paperwork about a month into us dating, he explained to me of his fear of losing me, because he likes me and wanted to be honest with me, he was worried that if he just told me and not shown me the court papers that it would always be there in the back of my mind, and understanding that I have kids and such, he wanted to lay it all out for me, and if I had questions to ask him and he would answer them honestly, if I wanted to speak to any of his friends and family about any of it, to just call, I don't need his permission, and he gave me the paperwork to read. I never called anyone, but when I did go to his grandmothers house for lunch one day, his grandmother and I got on that subject and how it worries her that she never gets to see her great grandchild.

Have you encouraged him to go to his local Legal Aid clinic to get the paperwork necessary and maybe even a lawyer so that he can establish his paternity and figure out what his rights are, and what his obligations will be?

He is the father, paternity is there, he was there the day his daughter was born. He is on the birth certificate. He is going to talk to his PO on Monday when she comes in to see him, and he has written down questions he plans on asking her and exactly what he can do. Once he is done his old job said he can come back, he will have a month left after he gets out with parole and he is going to do what he needs to do see his daughter.

Let's not beat around the bush here .... you have already made your mind up on him and quite frankly you have every right to your opinion, you have every right to assume the worst, and you have every right to assume he is full of shit and he is guilty because to you the story has holes in it, smells fishy and all that. Though that is all pure assumption.

I could plainly put it in black and white, from the perfect resource that there are woman and even man out there who falsely accuse there ex of DV.


I NEVER STATED that many DV reports are false..EVER. I never indicated this either.

Right now I will leave it here...I don't wish to feel as though I need to answer to anyone about this, I believe I have said and answered enough as it is. Thank you to everyone for your posts and your concerns...much love to you all
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  #29  
Old 02-11-2018, 01:01 PM
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Big proponents of, "many domestic violence claims are false and used to manipulate the system"

Like I said, you need to be very careful about using any source from a father's rights group. We hear the lingo from father's rights groups, and he becomes a batterer.

Listen to what I'm saying. Look at the questions I asked you - this is how you distinguish yourself and your man from every other guy brought before the court for domestic violence. His sister and female relatives, and having a good relationship with them and his ex's are how he distinguishes himself.

Btw, on the birth certificate isn't an ipso facto that he's the father. Get the DNA. Without the DNA, there will be a delay to establish paternity (alternatively, he can forgo DNA by writing out, signing, notarizing an Acknowledgement of Paternity). We are talking legal paternity, not who acts as the child's father.

If he's going away for any length of time, he needs to start working to avoid a TPR (termination). Having an attorney help him with this now, not once he gets out, will do 2 things - 1. Eviscerate her ability to claim Termination through abandonment, and 2. Give him an active way of making headway towards a co-parenting agreement that actually works for him. He does not need to start once he gets out - with a lawyer, he can start working on it now, including either the Affidavit, or the DNA.

Listen to what I'm saying. Your story of his story puts you squarely in the camp of current girlfriend/next victim. If you want to distinguish yourself, you need to look hard at the questions I asked you, and re-write your story of his story. You need to distinguish yourself from all those future victims. Then, you gain credence.

You also need to tread very carefully when incorporating a "father's rights" group or attorney in your case. You need to listen to me on that one.

Do not get dismissive of domestic violence shelter advocates. It does you no good and weakens your case. His case is one of seeking joint custody with a fair and equitable co-parenting agreement. In doing so, he needs to keep records of all moneys given to and spent on his child to show that he has been a contributing part of the child's life. hopefully, he has kept drawing, pictures, and everything else representative of his involvement in his child's life. The fight is for a relationship with the child, not against the mother.

You can find good, low/no cost family law help without resorting to a, "father's rights" group. Such groups can be informative, but they are also caustic as hell, and again, present poorly to the courts.

Get into a DBSA or similar support group to demonstrate that you are cognizant of and capable of supporting somebody with a mood disorder. Such meetings are free and split into two groups - one for the person with the mood disorder, and one for the support of the person with the mood disorder. It is a good place to go to find out who's good, even for court, for people with mood disorders.

Do not adopt the agenda of a, "father's rights" group or attorney without a lot of very careful consideration. Your agenda is different from theirs and their meetings tend to be a lot of women bashing and court bashing rather than constructive conversation and methodology for dealing with specific cases and needs. Again, for the 50th time, such groups and attorneys present poorly to the courts in domestic violence cases. Hey tend to push a man v. Woman agenda, not a best interests of the child agenda.

Look at the questions I asked - the answers there are how you distinguish your cause from every other case that comes across the bench of a family law judge.

And for those who are talking about men getting battered - they don't report because it emasculated them. Or at least that is the general feeling they get from the process. Women in heterosexual relationships don't report, men are worse when it comes to reporting. Parents are even worse when it comes to reporting being battered by kids (usually teenaged by the time it gets bad), and elderly parents are the least likely to report, especially when the child/batterer is the sole caretaker of a parent with diminished physician and/or mental capacity. Oh, and homosexual couples have a hard time getting the system to listen to them when one is battered as they also have. A natural inclination to stay away from cops. It goes back to decades of raids by police throwing them in jail for being gay, and it still extends to this day (the reticence, not the persecution as the persecution is not systemic outside of a very few communities).

Whatever - the vast majority of reported cases of domestic violence are legit. People like trump claiming that those who have been leaving his White House as a result of allegations are innocent and fine people - that is toxic for anybody dealing with domestic violence.

And, no matter whether the State decides to prosecute or not, a victim is entitled to good, domestic violence based therapy. Most of that therapy happens in or through domestic violence outreach centers and shelters. The people working at those centers and shelters are not there to push through a false claim, but to help those people who self identify as victims with their journey through their trauma, and sometimes the system.
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Old 02-11-2018, 02:41 PM
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I went back and read the post and nowhere did the OP or anyone else state that so many DV reports are false
.
Twice in this thread... you personally have made specific statements that false reports of DV are common. You personally also implied (well, once was expressed, not implied) that because a charge was dropped or a conviction not reached that the abuse didnít happen.

Iím not triggered in the slightest bit. Im fully able to read a personís statement about DV without getting unglued. Iím irritated by those statements though.
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Old 02-11-2018, 02:59 PM
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I NEVER STATED that many DV reports are false..EVER. I never indicated this either.)
Stated in those exact words? No, that was another poster in this thread. Perhaps I misconstrued your attempt to gain camaraderie with other women who were going through the experience of having their significant other in prison because of a false report. When you are inviting others to share and vent about a common experience and opening the door because you think they are out there and just scared to come forward... I think itís safe to assume that you think there are many others in your situation. My apologies if you actually meant something else...
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Old 02-11-2018, 03:17 PM
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Twice in this thread... you personally have made specific statements that false reports of DV are common. You personally also implied (well, once was expressed, not implied) that because a charge was dropped or a conviction not reached that the abuse didnít happen.

Iím not triggered in the slightest bit. Im fully able to read a personís statement about DV without getting unglued. Iím irritated by those statements though.
Actually I said they are not rare. I never said they were common but yes I believe they happen more often than what is reported or proven. As I said, I personally know of two instances where the reports were found to be false. Not found ďnot guiltyĒ but actually false. Iím not going to go tit for tat with you anymore about my choice of words.
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Old 02-11-2018, 05:33 PM
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Exclamation I Fkd UP My Family

YES I can RELATE to THIS CUS ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR...
I DIDN'T CALL THE COPS OR REPORT DV... MY MOM CALLED THE POLUCE TO KEEP THE PEACE "SHES EXTRA ASF) I CHARGED HIM UP BEHIND CHEATING ALLEGATIONS AND I TRIED TO FIGHT HIM AND HE GRABBED ME BUT I JUST HAD A 2IN SCRATCH ON MY NECK BUT HE RESTRAINED ME LIKE ANY MAN WOULD IN SELF DEFENSE.. BUT I DIDN'T TELL THEM and YES I SHOWED THE SCARTCH TO THE POLICE OFFICER AND SAID HE HAD CHOKED ME HE WASN'T BEATING ME LIKE IKE TURNER LOL BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT LITTLE ASS SCRATCH WOULD BE CAUSE FOR CHARGES BEING FILED.. AFTER THEY ARRESTED HIM.. THE STATE OF TX CHARGED HIM WITH FAMILY VIOLENCE PLUS INDICT HIM AS A HABITUAL.. AND OFFER HIM 25YRS SO I GOT HIM A LAWYER AND WROTE TO THE D.A AND THE JUDGE.. TO LET THEM KNOW DESPITE HIS CRIMINAL HISTORY WHICH INCLUDES (BURGLARY OF HABITATION AND FELONY POSSESSION IF A FIREARMS) HE WAS NOT ABUSIVE TO ME... I MEAN THEY DIDN'T DROP THE CHARGES (I NEVER FILED TO BEGIN WITH) BUT OFFERED HIM 5YRS INSTEAD IF 25YRS... I LOVE MY HUSBAND BEYOND WORDS YES I WAS PISSED OFF, ANGRY, AND HURT BUT IN NO WAY AM I A VINDICTIVE FEMALE.. I DIDN'T DELIBERATELY TRY TO INCARCERATE MY MAN.. BUT ME AND OUR 1YR OLD DAUGHTER IS PAYING FOR IT NOW... ��������
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