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  #1  
Old 10-05-2018, 07:42 AM
rinarina12 rinarina12 is offline
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Default Talking to my abuser again

I have contacted my Childs father and now Iím having regrets. I sort of feel like Iím recanting because I find myself telling him I love him and want him to be in her life. He has not seen her in the outside world. I was pregnant when he got arrested. We talk almost every day and sometimes he says things like ďI donít know what I would do if you talk to someone else... ima be dead or be in jail rest of my lifeĒ itís scared me and I tell him this like how can I trust you when you say things like this... I donít know why I canít stop talking to him. I felt I was brave and a strong women for leaving and here I am talking to him and writing him in jail and visiting him. He says he will change and he loves me and wants to be in her life. He says he just wanted to scare me and he wonít ever hurt me. I have conversations with him about boundaries and not pulling up to my house. Iím constantly obsessing over victim survivors social media pages and trying to get myself to realize this is another sign. Now having his baby has me so stuck again. Now Iím regretting ever contacting him again. Giving him my address. I feel stupid again and people think Iím so strong for outing my story and finally letting the police take him to jail. I love New York City for taking the case seriously but he willl be out soon and I donít know if he will really change. If he will get help with his anger .. Iím stronger than I was but apart of me just canít let him go again and it hurts. I love him and I donít know why. .



Iím not looking for anyone to bash me . I just canít share this with ANYONE. K
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  #2  
Old 10-05-2018, 08:26 AM
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Honey, you've got weak spots - we all do - and he can hit yours with deadly accuracy. Have you gotten counseling or do you have a therapist you can talk to? They can help you shore up those weaknesses and protect yourself.

You can go to a domestic abuse agency and ask them to help you get a protective order and therapy as well.

You can write him that you feel extremely uncomfortable with his emotional blackmail and are therefore ending this second round and that there will be no third. After all, him putting you in charge of his well-being is emotional blackmail of a fundamental kind. It's not your job to keep him out of jail (which, if he's abusive, you obviously can't because he will do things to you that will earn him a good long time sitting inside.

Then make sure the protective order is served on him while he's inside, so there's no chance of him being able to avoid service. And if you have to - MOVE! Go to court and get permanent custody of your child and child support, along with a supervised visitation schedule if he actually wants to pay attention to a child.

Lastly, there is no help - no therapy and no drug - that will help him with his anger. NONE!! No-one in the psychiatric community will vouch for any treatment for domestic abusers.
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:27 AM
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I've just had a quick read on your old posts - may I ask you if you've been in therapy during this past year?

In my humble opinion co-dependency can be like addiction; in most cases you are not able to pull yourself away unless you seek help. I am sorry if this is harsh but I don't think an abuser of this level will change. He knows exactly what to say to you in order to manipulate you, but those are just empty words.

Sweetheart, you have a baby to look after now, it's not just you anymore...so I would encourage - no, URGE - you to seek counselling if you're not doing it already.
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:48 AM
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I haven’t been led to the right person and I have tried and still try to find someone . I feel I’m getting sucked back in and feeling ashamed. I spoke to one lady and she made me feel worse just kept asking why I’m talking to him etc and I just don’t feel like it was helping. I need someone who is really certified. Idk I guess I’ll just start making phone calls
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Old 10-05-2018, 08:51 AM
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I have a protective order against him automatically... a no contact order but we continue to talk and see eachother in jail. I keep saying he will change and now I’m somewhat scared. I’m scared he will stalk me and manipulate me and I feel he has already. I don’t know why I can’t let go. I just want to let go completely because I know deep inside he is not going to be there for our daughter how I want him to ( as a comparent) not my boyfriend
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:34 AM
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If their is a no contact order how are you able to see or talk to him when I had one on my kids father in nys they had said no communication at all it comes up when they go to the facility and when he is released parole will put one on him to stay away from you it will be on his stipulations
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Old 10-05-2018, 10:59 AM
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I just walked into visiting and they approved me.. maybe because he never been convicted yet and just still in jail Iím not sure but Iím able to see him and talk to him .
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:00 AM
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Heís in Rikers
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Old 10-05-2018, 11:58 AM
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This man is dangerous and you are addicted to him find a therapist that understands the dynamic. In my state oif you go against a protective order and have your child around him you can lose your child. You are playing with fire and you need to walk away from him. Staying weak and confused is how we stay in these relationships and don’t get help. I have been where you are and it’s like a drug almost the minute you make contact again with an abuser you will start to regret it and slowly die inside until you have a “good enough reason again to leave” you have a good reason to leave already...run!!!
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Old 10-05-2018, 12:48 PM
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The sad thing is that you are on a slippery slope and you know it. Please seek some support from a DV counselor, Work on whatever it is that is keeping you tied to this man.
Low self esteem ,dependency loneliness etc. You can get support with all of those.
Please don't use your child as an excuse to contact him,he is an abuser and you could lose your child. Also do you want your child to see him abusing you, could he abuse your child? And before you say he wouldnt then think that is probably what you thought in those early days about him abusing you.
You are not going to be some co parenting happy family.
Stop trying to please him and start putting you first.

Its tough but you can do this you can get away and meet somone who will treat you with respect and kindness.
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Old 10-05-2018, 05:52 PM
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Please pay close attention to what Maytayah wrote above!!!

Children from abusive homes have every kind of problem. They do less well in school than others, leave school earlier than others, tend to become victims themselves (or abusers), experiment earlier with drugs and sex, and the list just goes on and on. They know they are always living in the shadow of violence, and it stunts their brains and their personalities.

Do you really want that for your child? Really?

If you can't leave him alone now, what are you going to do when he rips the baby out of your arms to beat you, or when he turns around and whops the kid?
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