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Old 05-13-2016, 09:14 PM
Ryan1210 Ryan1210 is offline
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Default Advice from Heroin addicts?

My girlfriend has been a heroin addict for the better part of 6 years (since she was 14, she is now 20). She has been to countless rehabs both court ordered and a few times by choice. She is currently serving 9 months in county lockup for probation violations.

In the 7 months since her and I have been a couple she has been to 3 rehabs and each story ends the same... she signs herself out after a week or 2 and goes right back to heroin. I honestly think or hope being in jail for 9 months might help her become sober afterwards... but I worry it wont.

We talk each night and she has been in 3 weeks now (the longest she has been sober in 3 years) and she keeps wanting to find "loop holes" to get out. Of course there are none. I fear to ask her the obvious... other than being in jail where I'm sure it's boring and lack of freedom I'm afraid she would answer she wants heroin rather than say she wants to be with me. It kills me that she is in there, I miss her so much. Im just afraid her biggest reason for wanting out isnt me, it's heroin.

I have tried so many things trying to get her clean and stay clean... rehabs, NA meetings, tried to get her involved in other hobbies/activities and it's exhausting and frustrating to me nothing ever works. She says she wants to quit, she just never does.

Am I wrong in thinking 9 months in jail will actually help her? I look at her and I see so much more than just an addict... I just wish I could get her to see what I see. Is there ever going to be any hope?

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Old 05-14-2016, 04:06 AM
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Hi there I feel for you and I am sorry to hear of your situation. It is definately possible to get clean and stay clean. The motivation of the addict has to match the intensity of their addiction and that is where the difficulty lies. Getting free of addiction is a long and painful process but if your girlfriend really wants to change her life she can. She will need to take the help and support offered. She already has your support and that will go a long way to helping her but ultimately she needs to fight it and beat it.
Good luck to you both.
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Old 05-14-2016, 05:39 AM
Steph&gene16+ Steph&gene16+ is offline
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Im sorry to hear your and her situation. Being in love with an addict is a wearing emotionally as well as physically. Ive never done drugs except alcohol but that was socially. My biological father and cousin both died 3 years ago with needles in their arms. There was no amount of love or preaching to them that could of or would of helped. The only reason my biological father lived as long as he did i believe was because he was homeless ( meet him 1x when i was 27 and my i was adopted by my father at 10 my mom had got remarried when i was 3) we allowed him to move in with us. At that time we lived in mooreshill Indiana. The only rule was he stay sober. The nearest town was 45 min from our home. He had no transportation so he wasnt able to score when he got the urge. He originally lived in Cincinnati. Ok long story short my mom was diagnost with terminal cancer and had a lot of other medical needs so i moved her back to FL. He moved back to Cincinnati before we moved because my grandfather died in a car accident and he moved into his house. Within 3 months time after 3 years of being clean he oded 2x then died. They have to choose to be clean. Its going to be a choice every minute then everyday. You may have to give her an ultimatum which im sure you are afraid of what she'll choose. Otherwise just get use to the rollercoaster ride she'll take you on. My man is an alcoholic and thats what landed him whete he is. He knows that before he went in if he was going to get drunk not to come to my house. Yes over 16 years together we both had our own homes because of his addiction and my need to have control over my basic needs. Needless to say in the last 2.5 years hes stayed at his home 3-5x. He knows when he gets out our living situation will stay the same. I will not have drama at my home or where i live as my mom lives with me and i have a 19 year old son as well as my 5 year old nephew stays over nigh 4-5 nights a week. He has mentioned me renting my house out and move in with him now that hes in there 5 months and sober but i told him he'd have to get out and stay sober for at least 1 year before id consider it. I cant take a chance with the responsibility that i have to worry about him not staying sober. I love him with all my heart but i will not allow his addiction to put stress on my mom and the household in general. Hopefully she goes to meetings/classes while shes in there and sets up a safety net to ensure her sobriety. Only she can do this and make the choice to stay sober. Good luck
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Old 05-14-2016, 05:48 AM
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Ryan, it doesn't matter whether the drug is alcohol, meth, heroin or any other addicting substance. Not using is different from quitting. In AA they call it a 'dry drunk'. Quitting takes hard work and the will to do it. If it's not her will that got her off, then she's still active in her addiction, and will be shooting up again within a day of getting out. Simple and deeply disheartening, and your only choice is whether to allow heroin into your life or not. If you keep supporting her, then the chaos and legal issues that come with addicts will all be yours.
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Old 05-14-2016, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Ryan1210 View Post
My girlfriend has been a heroin addict for the better part of 6 years (since she was 14, she is now 20). She has been to countless rehabs both court ordered and a few times by choice. She is currently serving 9 months in county lockup for probation violations.

In the 7 months since her and I have been a couple she has been to 3 rehabs and each story ends the same... she signs herself out after a week or 2 and goes right back to heroin. I honestly think or hope being in jail for 9 months might help her become sober afterwards... but I worry it wont.

We talk each night and she has been in 3 weeks now (the longest she has been sober in 3 years) and she keeps wanting to find "loop holes" to get out. Of course there are none. I fear to ask her the obvious... other than being in jail where I'm sure it's boring and lack of freedom I'm afraid she would answer she wants heroin rather than say she wants to be with me. It kills me that she is in there, I miss her so much. Im just afraid her biggest reason for wanting out isnt me, it's heroin.

I have tried so many things trying to get her clean and stay clean... rehabs, NA meetings, tried to get her involved in other hobbies/activities and it's exhausting and frustrating to me nothing ever works. She says she wants to quit, she just never does.

Am I wrong in thinking 9 months in jail will actually help her? I look at her and I see so much more than just an addict... I just wish I could get her to see what I see. Is there ever going to be any hope?
IMHO, you are doing everything to get her clean. NEWSFLASH, YOU will NOT get her clean. We all know that addiction is powerful and rips families, relationships apart. You can go to all the meetings in the world but if you do not admit there is nothing you can do to save her, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache.

People who do time usually have nothing but their thoughts to deal with. They say anything and everything, saying things will be different this time. It sometimes is and sometimes not. My ex will NEVER be rid of his addiction. I had to come to the conclusion that I was not going to change that, no matter how healthy I was for him. He is now back in prison for the 3rd time as an adult.

I suggest you take a long hard look at what you contribute to this young lady. A solid place to fall when she needs something, you are there. What are you really getting out of the relationship? Feeling like you are the hero? Take some time to really reflect on what she has to offer you. Is that what you want for the remainder of your life?

I hope you can come to terms with all of this.
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Old 05-14-2016, 09:48 AM
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Her first and only LOVE is Heroin. You cant save her she has to save herself. Personally I'd walk away having been in your shoes I know its hard but so is living with a JUNKIE!!!
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Old 05-14-2016, 12:47 PM
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IMHO, you are doing everything to get her clean. NEWSFLASH, YOU will NOT get her clean. We all know that addiction is powerful and rips families, relationships apart. You can go to all the meetings in the world but if you do not admit there is nothing you can do to save her, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache.

People who do time usually have nothing but their thoughts to deal with. They say anything and everything, saying things will be different this time. It sometimes is and sometimes not. My ex will NEVER be rid of his addiction. I had to come to the conclusion that I was not going to change that, no matter how healthy I was for him. He is now back in prison for the 3rd time as an adult.

I suggest you take a long hard look at what you contribute to this young lady. A solid place to fall when she needs something, you are there. What are you really getting out of the relationship? Feeling like you are the hero? Take some time to really reflect on what she has to offer you. Is that what you want for the remainder of your life?

I hope you can come to terms with all of this.
I get what you're saying. It's up to the addict to quit and no one or nothing will make her do it but her. It's just hard to accept that, though I know it too and live with it everyday.

I talked to her just a bit ago and I asked her what would be the first thing she wanted to do when she gets out and her answer... Heroin. She said it's all she thinks about, all she has dreamed about now for 3 weeks inside. I guess I should be disappointed she said nothing about me or us, but I'm not. I've seen her struggle so long now with addiction I expect it to come before me or us or even herself. But at least she is being honest with me and from the point we started out 7 months ago, that's a decent step.

We talked about her needing to want to stop and stay clean and she wants that too, but it doesn't stop her from wanting it and I understand that. My hope is with every day that passes where she isn't shooting up it will become easier to walk away from for her when she gets out in 8 months or so. Maybe it's just wishful thinking...

As for her and I and our relationship... I'm sure you read there is a 25 year gap in our ages from my "Intro" and to most that is just to much. I admit before Carlie, it was to much for me too. I never even thought of having a relationship with someone so young, ever. The thing is I can't explain it exactly, why I feel like I do for her that is. I'm not trying to be a hero it's just she makes me a better person. Before her I have drifted from one relationship to the next since I was divorced in '06. I raised my 2 daughters who BTW are 1 year older and 1 year younger than Carlie. Every relationship was always the same... she would try and change who I was, what I wanted or where I wanted to go in life and ultimately push me away with all of it.

Carlie... she loves who I am, she doesn't want to change me, she wants to be more like me. We love the same shows, same music even the same foods. We have more in common than any woman around my age I have ever dated. When she is sober, she just makes me feel so good and happy just to be next to her and I can tell she feels the same about me too. When she gets high... it's hard. She get's whinny, needy and says things that just make no sense.

It's like a perfect relationship hen she is sober without any effort, the effort only needs to be made when she is using. I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world inside and out, she is everything I've ever wanted to have next to me and she makes me a better person without trying to change me. How does one just walk away from that? How can I give up on her? I feel like my life would be more miserable without her in it as opposed to if she never quit heroin and I stayed with her if for nothing else but those days where I was enough for her without dope... You know?
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Old 05-14-2016, 05:09 PM
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My daughter served about 8 months....got out and right back to the heroin.

When my daughter was released from jail this last time after serving 3 more months, I picked her up to take her to a rehab. We didn't make it, she called a "friend" to pick her up...they met us on the way and she went with them.

You don't have to give up on her. But you do have to step back and let her fall. It will be ugly. When my daughter hit rock bottom (burns on her neck, scabs on her face etc) I found her outside a hospital, curled up outside in a corner, in the rain. She slept in my truck for almost 2 days while I was at work. I couldn't/wouldn't leave her at the house (its a trust thing) and I couldn't take her in at work. She then decided to go to rehab. Her choice. I took her.

Carlie has to hit her rock bottom. As long as you provide a safe haven, she doesn't really want or need to get clean for herself.
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Old 05-14-2016, 05:56 PM
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Quote:
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My daughter served about 8 months....got out and right back to the heroin.

When my daughter was released from jail this last time after serving 3 more months, I picked her up to take her to a rehab. We didn't make it, she called a "friend" to pick her up...they met us on the way and she went with them.

You don't have to give up on her. But you do have to step back and let her fall. It will be ugly. When my daughter hit rock bottom (burns on her neck, scabs on her face etc) I found her outside a hospital, curled up outside in a corner, in the rain. She slept in my truck for almost 2 days while I was at work. I couldn't/wouldn't leave her at the house (its a trust thing) and I couldn't take her in at work. She then decided to go to rehab. Her choice. I took her.

Carlie has to hit her rock bottom. As long as you provide a safe haven, she doesn't really want or need to get clean for herself.
I would think being locked up would be rock bottom... I mean she I think is finally seeing one road where heroin leads. Im not sure she has the will to stay off of it yet, but all I can do is hope the 8 months or so she has left helps with that.

The thing is... without me, she has no one. no family who cares, nothing. Her mother is an alcoholic who lives with whatever guy will put her up for the night and her father... well Ive talked to him, he is a piece of shit who thinks he is above having a daughter with a drug problem. His exact words to me were "I've got my own life, my own family now and I simply do not have the time or energy to deal with her and her drug problems." He wont even accept her calls from jail...

It's not that I feel sorry for her she has no one, I simply am truly in love with her and I can not turn my back on her, no matter what. She is an addict, but I know she is so much more than that.
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Old 05-14-2016, 06:12 PM
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I get that you love her. I love my daughter, unconditionally. It killed me to know she was "out there" hustling, on the streets, flopping wherever, doing whatever. She stole anything & everything when I was enabling, let her come home (more than once)...even the bill money. Even the last $20 I had to my name, out of my pants pocket that I had rolled up and put under my pillow while I slept.

Perhaps her Father is tired of enabling, being taken advantage of and stolen from; maybe he's just an ass. I don't know the answer to that.

Jail is not rock bottom. Not anywhere close to rock bottom Ask her how many of her "friends" are dead or in jail?
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Old 05-14-2016, 06:52 PM
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Reading this thread is so very sad!
Ryan I do not doubt your love and concern for your girlfriend; however you said you both have only been a couple for 7 months. 7 months is not a long time, you two are still getting to know each other and her addiction severely complicates things. You are signing up for a whole lot of heart ache!
I recognize she is now a young adult... are her parents even in the picture?
It is great that you are there for her but you need to be so careful not to become an enabler. It sounds like you have educated yourself a bit with N/A etc... and have tried so hard to help her stay clean. Sadly we can only encourage them. Oh how I wish we could LOVE THEM CLEAN!!!!!!

My husband & I lost our youngest son to addiction 2 1/2 years ago; one day before his 25th birthday. Our son had started using at a very young age and as time went on he progressed into the hard drugs. In and out of rehabs and sober living communities. Our lives during these years was PURE HELL racked with worry 24/7. Seeing all the things my son put himself through because of drugs still makes my heart hurt. HIS LIFE WAS A LIVING HELL! He was a kind person that could not get past his addiction.
Our family wanted more than ever for our son to be clean and happy, in a relationship living a healthy normal life. Realistically being in a relationship was not something he was capable of doing while fighting to stay clean. Thank GOD he realized that. Most addicts have a very hard time with coping skills and stress along with many other emotions.
Praying God will give you wisdom and direction in this situation. My prayers are also with your girlfriend that she can find the strength to fight her addiction.
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Old 05-14-2016, 07:17 PM
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Couple of things, Ryan. One - you need a NarAnon or AlAnon group for yourself. Believe me, it's the best thing you can do for you AND HER! It will help you see your way clear to loving her without enabling, and that's the wisest thing you can do.

Second, and I say this from experience, sometimes, we need to love people from afar. We're no good for them and they're no good for us if we're together.
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Old 05-14-2016, 07:19 PM
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I am truly sorry for you and your girlfriend. Loving an addict is a difficult road, to say the least, and being an addict is also difficult. We live on a rollercoaster each and every day, wondering when the coroner will call with the bad news. They, on the other hand, hate themselves for using but are powerless to stop until they decide they've had enough. Getting to sobriety is a long, hard road but one that is worth it if they truly want it. I hope your girlfriend can find the courage and the will to fight her way to a better life.

With that being said and from reading your posts, I believe that you are probably codependent. You need her as much as she needs you, but it is definitely not in a healthy way. You will find numerous books on codependency. Please read some of them. I think they will probably give you a new perspective on the situation.

Best of luck - I wish the best for both of you.
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Old 05-14-2016, 08:47 PM
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My girlfriend has been a heroin addict for the better part of 6 years (since she was 14, she is now 20). She has been to countless rehabs both court ordered and a few times by choice. She is currently serving 9 months in county lockup for probation violations.

In the 7 months since her and I have been a couple she has been to 3 rehabs and each story ends the same... she signs herself out after a week or 2 and goes right back to heroin. I honestly think or hope being in jail for 9 months might help her become sober afterwards... but I worry it wont.

We talk each night and she has been in 3 weeks now (the longest she has been sober in 3 years) and she keeps wanting to find "loop holes" to get out. Of course there are none. I fear to ask her the obvious... other than being in jail where I'm sure it's boring and lack of freedom I'm afraid she would answer she wants heroin rather than say she wants to be with me. It kills me that she is in there, I miss her so much. Im just afraid her biggest reason for wanting out isnt me, it's heroin.

I have tried so many things trying to get her clean and stay clean... rehabs, NA meetings, tried to get her involved in other hobbies/activities and it's exhausting and frustrating to me nothing ever works. She says she wants to quit, she just never does.

Am I wrong in thinking 9 months in jail will actually help her? I look at her and I see so much more than just an addict... I just wish I could get her to see what I see. Is there ever going to be any hope?

Hi Ryan,

My Husband and I have known eachother since elementary school..We started going out in High School We both did dope just that my choice back then was crystal meth and his Heroin He was in and out of Jail and overtime he got back out his mission was to go get high even after doing 6 months here a year there and it broke my heart overtime as he chose that shit over our baby and myself at the time overtime he got out he had a new start a fresh start but he kept going back to what he knew and liked ...what a life =( well in 1997 he finally got in trouble for real he left us for 17long years and in July 2014 he finally got out we were so Happy i thought the day would never come and I there was just no way he turn back to Lady Heroin no way I mean that shit is what caused him to do what he did it took his freedom away ....Well my wishes and dreams all came crashing down when he realized how hard it was living out here on the outside no routine no rules ....couldnt find a job with all his tattoos and his record frustration set in all the anxiety and he turned to what he knew best he went searching for Lady Heroin and found her reunited with the Devil September 2015 he was arrested again and I must continue my relation ship behind bars my heart is broken our kids hearts are broken the worst part is I know he is better then this I just wish he would finally wake up not just for us but for him he is his own prisoner ....My heart goes out to you and I wish you and your girl the best of luck hope your story turns out with a happy and healthy ending ....
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Old 05-15-2016, 02:53 AM
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I do not doubt your love and concern for your girlfriend; however you said you both have only been a couple for 7 months. 7 months is not a long time, you two are still getting to know each other and her addiction severely complicates things.
^^ I would also like to point out that you say she's great when she's sober, but then you say the three weeks she has now been clean (not by choice but because she's in prison) is the longest she has been clean in three years -- so you really do not even know the person she is when she is truly sober.

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I believe that you are probably codependent. You need her as much as she needs you, but it is definitely not in a healthy way. You will find numerous books on codependency. Please read some of them. I think they will probably give you a new perspective on the situation.
^^ This, I think too, is something you should explore. I feel horrible for your situation and my heart breaks for her as well....and who knows where her head will be when she gets out - but I don't believe that prison is rock bottom. I wish you both the best...just be sure to take care of you, and of her by not enabling her addiction.
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Old 05-15-2016, 07:38 AM
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I truly thank you all for your concerns and advice. Up to this point it's just been me doing what I think is best without real knowledge of what exactly "best" is...

You're all right... I've enabled her, I see that now. I took her in when she was about to hit rock bottom, gave her a home and all the things she needed to survive which eventually culminated into a relationship. Now I sit here realizing maybe what I should have done is nothing to begin with and let her fall to rock bottom even if that meant never being in a relationship with her.

I guess at this point I'm a little selfish, I really honestly do love her so much and I see so much more than just an addict in her. But maybe whats best for her is to be without me? Maybe I need to put my own feelings aside for her and just let go?

So... I'm asking now for what you all know better than me. Would me walking away be what's best for her? I'm willing to do what is best for Carlie even if that means hurting her and myself in the process.

Before you answer there are a few things you should know about her.
First, she has no family that cares. Her father hasn't been a part of her life since she was about 10 or so and he has no interest in being a part of it now. Her mother... she is an alcoholic with no home of her own, works odd jobs until she is fired for her addiction and lives with any guy who will put her up for the night. So family isn't going to "step up".

Second, I'm all she has. She has no "real" friends, just dealers and other addicts who really don't care about her and only have interest in using her. Carlie is a very pretty girl and with her being an addict that's a bad thing... up until me, she got used allot by guys to get her next high. My biggest fear is she will go back down this road until prostitution for dope is all she knows. I mean just look at her, she's beautiful... (pic below)

No one else is going to help her or support her moving forward. I love her very much and she knows it but what's most important to me is getting her clean, even if I need to let her go.
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Old 05-15-2016, 08:55 AM
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I, for one, do not think that I know better than you do what you should do with your life - I want to apologize if my reply came out that way. My comments are based on my own personal experience with a family member who was an addict..I know it can be hell

So to go along with that...what I would do if I were in your shoes... Maybe right now isn't the time to make final decisions; right now she is incarcerated and will be for many months to come - perhaps you could use these months to be there as a positive influence, a supportive friend. Maybe you can re-evaluate the situation when she gets out - see what happens then... She's only been in prison for 3 weeks right now and is missing her lover (heroin) in the worst way. Even though prison is no rehab, after nine months her frame of mind MIGHT be different....although you will only find out after she gets out whether or not anything has changed for real. I would just be prepared for any kind of outcome upon her release...and for you to take care of yourself if you are willing to wait for her and then possibly face another return to heroin. At that point, if things fall into the same pattern they have fallen in the past....then, perhaps, it is time to let go.

As always though...just my two cents. Sending you strength & clarity
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Old 05-15-2016, 06:43 PM
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Ryan - The BEST thing you can do for yourself AND your girlfriend is to use the next 9 months by learning everything you can about addiction. Try NarAnon or AlAnon meetings, read up on codependency, read through the threads here on PTO, search the internet. As they say, knowledge is power. With that knowledge you will be better informed about what is happening right now and you will be better prepared for what lies ahead if you decide to stick by your girlfriend. You are reacting emotionally right now, but it takes much more than that when dealing with an addict. I know this firsthand as I'm sure many of the others here do as well.

I spent many years agonizing over my son and his addiction. It would take pages just to describe what we've been through with him. It wasn't until I
learned that because we did everything for him (rehabs, lawyers, etc., etc.) we made it easy for him to remain an addict. He didn't have to take responsibility for anything because we did it for him! It was only when we were able to "let go and let God" (as they say in AA) was he able to begin getting his act together. Letting go is hard, but watching them self-destruct is hard as well. Only you can make the choice to let go or not, but please inform yourself about addiction before you make any decisions at all.
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Old 05-20-2016, 10:24 AM
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Ryan, I hate to say this. But my last two girlfriends were both much younger addicts.

Can you accept her cheating on you? If she said she was in jail but all she thought about when she got out was seeing "Harry" again, how would you feel?

Because that's what she's doing, cheating on you - with heroin. And it will never love her back, and she will never get enough of it to feel satisfied and make a little time for you too.

Having been in your shoes, with deep regret I'm going to call "Bullshit" on you for saying "Maybe it's better for her if I let her go." You don't really want to do that; you want to find reasons not to.

My next-to-last girlfriend didn't want to be clean. The night I confronted her (after seeing her take the money I allegedly gave her for rent and using it to buy drugs) was the last time we ever spoke.

My most recent ex-girlfriend says she wants to be clean. For the moment I believe her, or at least I'm pretending I do. She's in jail now so except for the money I send her, it doesn't matter. But I'll have to wait to see how she acts when she gets out, if indeed she gets out in a time frame where we could still have a relationship. (Depending on what she's convicted on, she could get anywhere from probation to 25-to-life.)

You can't force her to want to be clean. You can offer her a zillion dollars and it won't be more appealing that the drugs. I know you love her and it hurts and you want to believe a different person exists. But it won't until she decides she wants it to.
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Old 05-20-2016, 11:49 AM
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Ryan, I hate to say this. But my last two girlfriends were both much younger addicts.

Can you accept her cheating on you? If she said she was in jail but all she thought about when she got out was seeing "Harry" again, how would you feel?

Because that's what she's doing, cheating on you - with heroin. And it will never love her back, and she will never get enough of it to feel satisfied and make a little time for you too.

Having been in your shoes, with deep regret I'm going to call "Bullshit" on you for saying "Maybe it's better for her if I let her go." You don't really want to do that; you want to find reasons not to.

My next-to-last girlfriend didn't want to be clean. The night I confronted her (after seeing her take the money I allegedly gave her for rent and using it to buy drugs) was the last time we ever spoke.

My most recent ex-girlfriend says she wants to be clean. For the moment I believe her, or at least I'm pretending I do. She's in jail now so except for the money I send her, it doesn't matter. But I'll have to wait to see how she acts when she gets out, if indeed she gets out in a time frame where we could still have a relationship. (Depending on what she's convicted on, she could get anywhere from probation to 25-to-life.)

You can't force her to want to be clean. You can offer her a zillion dollars and it won't be more appealing that the drugs. I know you love her and it hurts and you want to believe a different person exists. But it won't until she decides she wants it to.
I'd like to thank you and everyone else for giving me more insight on what to expect, or not to for that matter, it's all very helpful even if it isn;t what I want to hear. Sometimes it's best to hear what you NEED to hear rather than what you want to hear and I completely understand that.

I do believe Carlie want's to be clean. Many times, high or not she has busted out crying for unknown reasons to me and each time I ask why she says she hates being a slave to it, hates that she is so dependent on heroin and wants to just have a normal life. She has told me numerous times she wants to be clean and each and every time she pushes that needle in she hates herself for doing it again...

She has been clean now for just over a month (not by choice) but she is taking it as well as I could have expected. She says she thinks about heroin every day still and goes through moments she gets anxiety over it but she knows that being in jail right now is possibly the best thing for her to not get high. She has fears when she gets out she may use again and we are both hoping by the end of her sentence in 7-8 months it becomes easier for her to walk away from. But like has been mentioned we both know it's not easy to overcome addiction completely, near impossible from statistics I've seen actually. All her and I can do now is hope for the best and see what happens.

I think my biggest fear is when she does get out and if she does ride that train again... what will I do? Our relationship is strong, we both love each other very much, but when she uses, she tends to lie about it. She lies about money, work, people she is talking to everything it seems. She has stolen from me, both money and things but I accepted this as just a part of the addiction. I'm worried after jail, after being clean for 9 months she does start using again... I know this sounds horrible and understand I love her more than any woman I have ever loved, but I feel like if this doesn't work to get her clean, nothing will. I'm not sure I can live the rest of my life worrying that if I get home my bank account might be drained, things sold or anything else she may do to get heroin...

I mean I just don't know what to do if that happens and it scares me more than anything.

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Old 05-20-2016, 06:56 PM
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Ryan, if she isn't working with AA or NA while she's inside, working it as hard as she can, then she'll hit the needle within days of coming out. No more than days.

You don't get sober by abstaining. In AA it's called a 'dry drunk'. You haven't explored your own motivations, begun to understand your own triggers or or done anything to help change.

Really.

If she's not working it, then she's just biding her time 'til she's out again and shooting up.
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Old 05-20-2016, 07:34 PM
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Sorry, but she has NO intentions of getting clean! It is clear to me, in her own words. How come YOU cannot see what we all see?

You stated that she has nobody out here that cares about her, accept you. Can you not see that she will tell you everything you want to hear, to keep her connection with you? Well, she never will until she gets right with herself and gets clean. Like attracts like....she WILL use once she is released, I can almost bet a weeks worth of income on that.

You cannot and will not save her! You seem to be codependent and have a need within yourself to feel needed by someone. You took her under your wing, and now you are devoting your time and energy to someone in love with Heroin. It will always be her first love.

I hope you can come to the realization that this relationship is awesome for her! She has you by the balls, so to speak. She knows you love her and would do anything for her, even if she does steal from you and lie.

It is time for you to seek some help for yourself, outside of AA, NA, and the like. figure out why you feel as though you deserve to live this kind of life. I truly believe you deserve better...but YOU have to believe that for yourself.
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Old 05-20-2016, 07:40 PM
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Ryan, if she isn't working with AA or NA while she's inside, working it as hard as she can, then she'll hit the needle within days of coming out. No more than days.

You don't get sober by abstaining. In AA it's called a 'dry drunk'. You haven't explored your own motivations, begun to understand your own triggers or or done anything to help change.

Really.

If she's not working it, then she's just biding her time 'til she's out again and shooting up.

She attends AA and... I forget the other group currently in jail, it deals with trauma in life. Before going to jail she attended at least 1 NA meeting a week, usually 2 or 3 per week for the last year.

Personally, seeing her go through rehabs one after another I believe them to be a complete joke. I mean I'm sure the meetings inside may do some good, but in everyone she has been to all they do is attempt to go from one addiction to another such as methadone or soboxan (sp?). She gets out, they cut off her dosages and poof back to old faithful heroin... maybe I'm missing the point of rehabs?

But yes, she has made and is making all the efforts available to quit.
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Old 05-20-2016, 08:02 PM
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Sorry, but she has NO intentions of getting clean! It is clear to me, in her own words. How come YOU cannot see what we all see?

You stated that she has nobody out here that cares about her, accept you. Can you not see that she will tell you everything you want to hear, to keep her connection with you? Well, she never will until she gets right with herself and gets clean. Like attracts like....she WILL use once she is released, I can almost bet a weeks worth of income on that.

You cannot and will not save her! You seem to be codependent and have a need within yourself to feel needed by someone. You took her under your wing, and now you are devoting your time and energy to someone in love with Heroin. It will always be her first love.

I hope you can come to the realization that this relationship is awesome for her! She has you by the balls, so to speak. She knows you love her and would do anything for her, even if she does steal from you and lie.

It is time for you to seek some help for yourself, outside of AA, NA, and the like. figure out why you feel as though you deserve to live this kind of life. I truly believe you deserve better...but YOU have to believe that for yourself.
I mean no disrespect as I'm sure you're just saying what you feel. But you don't know me and I don't think you understand that I honestly, truly love her more than anything. Im my life I have been married to a woman I "got along" well with and thought that to be love at the time,, I have dated many women who had potential but ALWAYS ruin it because 90% of women think they need to change a man... Well, Carlie has never asked me to change and while I admit there have been times I felt like her saying she loves me is all just part of the addiction, I do honestly believe she loves me too.

Her and I have been through ups and downs due to her addiction, but in the end we both agree we love each other very much. Neither of us like her addiction, she is constantly trying any and everything to stop using, it just never works for very long. Would she choose a heaping pile of heroin over me if given a choice?

I used to make the mistake of threatening "me or dope" when she would want to go out and buy some, she always chose me. I don't make those threats anymore because I don't believe they help her situation and I have a better understanding what addiction is now than I used to.

Maybe she will get out and use that first week out, like I said, that's my biggest fear. What will I do about it? I'm not sure yet. It would be very difficult for me to leave her over an addiction, but at the same time and as it has always been, it's not for me to control and maybe then I will need to think about stepping back to protect myself, but that just seems so cold and cruel to me, especially to do to a girl who has shown me what it's like to really love.
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Old 05-23-2016, 01:22 PM
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Personally, seeing her go through rehabs one after another I believe them to be a complete joke. I mean I'm sure the meetings inside may do some good, but in everyone she has been to all they do is attempt to go from one addiction to another such as methadone or soboxan (sp?). She gets out, they cut off her dosages and poof back to old faithful heroin... maybe I'm missing the point of rehabs?
My son was in 5 rehabs and not one of them "worked". He just told me the other day that if only he has listened and taken it seriously, he could have avoided what was to come. And why didn't he take it seriously? Because he wasn't ready to give up the drugs. And that's the way it will be for anyone going through rehab. If they want it bad enough, it will work. If they don't, they can attend 50 rehabs and nothing will change. I really hope that your girlfriend wants it bad enough to make it work. Otherwise, both of your lives will be a living hell with continual lies and manipulation or years of prison time.

I might also add that while attending AA/NA meetings in jail is a good sign, there's not a whole lot of freedom to choose much else. It's a great way to fill the time while they're incarcerated, but the true test of their seriousness will be when they're released and whether they choose to attend meetings regularly or not.
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