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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 02-01-2016, 08:59 AM
maelenebaby maelenebaby is offline
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Default Would you wait?

My husband is getting locked up today for violating his probation. He has a long history of drugs. Our marriage has been rocky, constant arguing, neglect and emotional abuse from him and constant abandonment where he would leave for days to his parents. We were more like roommates and he neglected a lot of my needs. We have a year old baby. I've told him how this affected me one minute he's apologetic another he's in denial. The only good thing he does is financially take great care of us. I'm a Christian and want to stick it out because this could be God's intervention. I've been praying for a deliverance. But I don't want to wait and get my hopes up again. This could be my only chance to see what life has to offer and possibly meet a better man! I have codependency tendencies I'm in recovery for that but I relapse just like any other person. I'm making changes to put me and God 1st and to not make my husband an idol. It's very hard but doable. Any advice I would appreciate !
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Old 02-01-2016, 09:04 AM
miranda0304 miranda0304 is offline
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I would definitely wait it out. It's a learning experience for them and for us. I think it always shows them alot of how good they have it and when they finally have to stop getting high because of this they see what's really important
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  #3  
Old 02-01-2016, 09:07 AM
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MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
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well, it's really a decision you have to make on your own and whatever I'll write here or anyone else for that matter it is just a feedback to what you wrote so here it goes: NO, I would leave and take care of myself and the baby and let him rot wherever he is. Keep on praying, for yourself and for him, but I personally think that as much as you want to "stick it out" you cannot forget about yourself and your child. I think you need to get your strength as in mental, emotionally and physically back, try to work on the "co-dependency" issues because those won't be helping anyone - rather the opposite.
I wish for the best and lots of strength and please look out for yourself and your child.
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Old 02-01-2016, 09:16 AM
maelenebaby maelenebaby is offline
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Well I'm planning to work on me, I'm going back to school in a few months, I plan on hanging with friends more and live my own life. I know I have to do what's healthy for me. I was just seeking advice if other women were in my shoes it helps to get a different perspective. I still do love the guy but I do not want to go back to how things were. I deserve the best in life.
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Old 02-01-2016, 06:01 PM
rmc50 rmc50 is offline
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To me, the major red flag here is the abuse he has put you through.

You said that he has had a long history of drug use, and that he violated his probation. Was the violation drug related? Has he been incarcerated any time before this recent probation?

Some people will react to a wake up call and straighten themselves out. Others don't. If he started using drugs again while on probation then he clearly hadn't cleaned himself up, and there would be no reason to expect him to do any better when he is released the next time.

One major difference, however, is that now there is a child involved in this. You have a duty to protect and care for that child, and subjecting it to an environment of abuse and poor role modeling is not in that child's best interest.

Another thing you said concerns me:
This could be my only chance
Why do you consider this to be your only chance? Has he physically abused you, or threatened you? If so, then there should be no question, leave! Just the emotional abuse is enough justification to leave, but physical abuse should be a drop dead deal breaker.

If you decide to stick it out, you should set realistic expectations and hold him to them. This should start with his time in jail/prison. He should seek out and participate in any addiction programs that are available to him. When he is released you should not allow anything other than total sobriety. Make this clear to him in advance, and then stick to it!

R. Mc.
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Old 02-01-2016, 11:03 PM
maelenebaby maelenebaby is offline
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Probation was for trying to commit suicide with pills and the cops found him but he resisted arrest and hurt an officer. Yes the drugs didn't stop on probation he got a DUI. He's never been arrested before. He's binging on pills as we speak until he goes in tomorrow morning. I am fed up. This is my only chance to meet someone while he's locked up in get a head start first. He always threatens to move on and find someone. I'm tired of this cycle, the drugs, everything..
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Old 02-01-2016, 11:24 PM
rmc50 rmc50 is offline
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My advice is to do things in the proper order.

If you have made up your mind to end your marriage, get that done before you start a new relationship.

Once the divorce is final, you will have all the chances you need to find someone worthy of you.

Good luck.

R. Mc.
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  #8  
Old 02-02-2016, 06:21 PM
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I'd leave. Period.

10% of addicts get clean through counseling, prison and rehabs. Total, not 10% for each of those.

The fact that you ask God for something doesn't mean a thing...sorry, but so many have asked and so few have gotten the answer they want. You are getting the answer - you should learn to live without him, and you're ignoring it.

Do the healthy thing for yourself and your child. Let go of him and concentrate on yourself and your child.
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Old 02-02-2016, 06:28 PM
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God always answers prayers. Sometimes the answer is "No."

Michele
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Old 02-02-2016, 07:51 PM
Real Checker Real Checker is offline
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Speaking as a Christian the goal is to please God, not asking God to please us. That is what you call putting God first. I hope this doesn't get deleted for being too religious, but I believe if you are going to go that route to do it the right way. Blessings come to those who try to please God, they do not have to be requested or prayed for.

Having said that, I would make a good exit plan for the relationship and move on. My reasoning would be more for my child than even my own benefit. The goal of any good husband (or any head of household) is to provide a safe, secure, and peaceful place for those God has gifted us with. Home should be a place where one can go to be lifted up and honored ... feeling safe and loved. That is NOT the type of household I was raised in, but definitely is the type of household I have created for my own wife and children. I was not always of that mindset because of my own horrible past, but change did come for me after many years of incarceration and a desire to reverse the curse.

I had to purge my life of all drugs and criminal thinking to achieve what God wanted for me in my life. I don't know if your husband can or will make that profound of a change, and there is really no way for you to know for sure. But if I were in your shoes I would control those aspects of my life that I can and rid myself of those things (and people) I have no control over. If your motives are to please and honor God then you decisions will be blessed by Him. The peace you will eventually find might come in a form you haven't even considered yet, but it will come once you've let go of those things keeping you from having peace.
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  #11  
Old 02-08-2016, 09:28 AM
butterfly1958 butterfly1958 is offline
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Default Slow Down.....

As I read and reread your post, my heart was searching for spirit direction. I know you've taken your marriage vows seriously, you're faced with the reality that preserving a marriage is not always easy." always The Bible states we are to love one another as Christ loves us and gave his life. Giving advice without knowing all the facts is not something I can do. I have experienced a volatile marriage and now know where counseling and God’s word would have helped me move through the challenges with more peace and direction. The assistance of a Christian marriage and addiction counselor may help you sift through all the facts and help you find direction. My prayers are with you……this is not an easy time…..
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Old 02-08-2016, 07:26 PM
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Recovery is hard on any level but sometimes you have to let your loved one fall, face the consequences and take care of your own needs. Most entering programs are asked/told not to be in a relationship during the first year because it takes everything the addict/alcoholic has to maintain their own life as they struggle to get sobriety- sobriety is a commitment that is above everything else so one is capable to have family, friends, a job, become functional and probably the person you need them to be.

My advise is to watch from a distance. Let him struggle. Let him prove his intentions before you decide to wait it out or move on. While in limbo find yourself, who you are, what you want, what your expectations are in this relationship if any. Focus on your child. Focus on everything that has to Do with you and your child's best interest. Like Nimuay says- sometimes our success in sobriety doesn't happen so don't count on it unless you see it .
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Old 06-27-2016, 05:26 PM
dannygreen dannygreen is offline
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I would wait it out.... blessings ♥
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