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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 05-30-2010, 05:05 PM
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Thumbs up There's strength in numbers...Let's unite together..

Hello all.

I've noticed that there isnt nearly as much discussion in this forum compared to some of the others.

I spent time thinking why. Is it because some are ashamed? Denial? Are you scared or intimidated to talk due to the possibility of judgement?

I wanted to create this thread as a way to get people communicating. Let this be a discussion thread. A discussion of emotions, tactics, and day to day strategies either as an addict, or through loving an addict in some way.

Please know and understand that you will not be judged here. Let this be your safe spot...a place to realize you're not alone. I hope and pray that others find comfort within this thread. Even if you are "just browsing"...please join us.

Thanks..and I look forward to creating strength in numbers.

Last edited by PTO-189145; 05-30-2010 at 05:14 PM..
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Old 05-30-2010, 06:08 PM
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Not ashamed. More then happy to participate.
My precious angel aka Jackass has an addiction. He says he's sober, I say he's dry. He says 12 step is not for him and needs to not be around people that use.
OK, maybe 12 step does not attract him. I am sure there are other "methods" out there, I will just have to do some research.
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Old 05-31-2010, 09:03 AM
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Thank you for sharing decoprincess..Together we're gonna find other methods to help them help THEMSELVES.

I'm not ashamed either...

My mother is an alcoholic with cirrhoses of the liver. She has let her addiction to alcohol consume her completely. On top of the drinking..she has attempted suicide more times than I can count all within a few months. Despite her disease..she continues to drink meanwhile telling us that "shes doing good". I agree she has made strides...but i know in my heart she still continues to drink..She has gotten a little better but at the cost of our relationship. I love her to death..and I will always be there for her..but I can't let her addiction control my life.

Also.

It has recently come to me that my boyfriends history with addiction is a lot more serious than he let on. I understand that it could be a lot worse...but it is addiction nontheless. The shame he feels/felt due to his addiction has forced him to bring unneccessary lies into our relationship. Something that is so beautiful and strong is now tainted with his attempts to sugar coat the truth. The will to change lies within his heart..now his will needs to turn to actions. I have faith in him...and I have faith in us. Where as i KNOW i can't change him....I can help him along the way.

Thank you for listening. Please..continue to share stories and any other issues you feel would benefit us and our loved ones.
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Old 05-31-2010, 09:08 AM
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My boyfriend attends the meetings within his halfway house..but he doesn't speak. He is very uncomfortable with public speaking..and I'm proud to say that he has prepared himself to start talking...He has prepared what he wants to say and everything. I have to say I am so proud of him for this. It is a little step...but a step indeed. And as much as I know how uncomfortable he is....He is willing to step outside of his comfort zone to better himself.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step"
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Old 05-31-2010, 10:37 AM
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Addiction and lies, they do go together.
My dad was an alcoholic (deceased), and I'm sure pills were included in the cocktail. Grandfather, alcoholic.

His speaking when uncomfortable is a major step. Changing any habit for an addict or any of us is a positive step.
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Old 05-31-2010, 11:20 AM
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I honestly think I am a dry addict...

I think if I had it handed to me for free I would not say no. I hate admitting that...but its the honest truth. I worry after my daughter is born I will go out again but I do not want to....I do not want to lose her or my 2 year old or my husband.

My husband also has an addiction. I heard a song while I was waiting to visit him called Jane Says by Jane's Addiction. Basically Jane is talking about quitting but never does....

I told him I heard it & he said, "FU** THAT SONG"

I am assuming because the song is talking about addiction is hard to beat & most just say they wanna stop but never DO...then it is too late. Well, he wants to do it before it is too late for him. His addiction got him back in prison & he could have killed himself or someone else with the guns he had.

Seeing him yesterday, gave me more faith & strength! He looks good, he looked very happy and I absolutely loved it. His own mom thinks this time he is going to learn. He not only has me to be his rock but he also has a new daughter coming. I think him missing the birth and our pregnancy hurts him. I feel in his heart that he does want to change & I have faith we can get there.
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:41 PM
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Can someone please tell me what is a "dry addict"???

Mrsaggers: thank you for sharing..and as I've said from the beginning..I think strength is contagious..and his desire to change..is in return flowing onto you. Its a beautiful thing. People change because they WANT to. Its within themselves..and you both have taken healthy, postive steps in the right direction.
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Old 05-31-2010, 07:14 PM
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My interpretation of Dry Addict is he is short time on recovery: could slip back somewhat easy. I know he still has a craving even though he decided to do cold turkey with me (me as in holding his hand).
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Old 05-31-2010, 07:31 PM
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A dry addict is an addict that isn't currently using, but they haven't made any attempt to work a program of recovery. Most true addicts will require a lifestyle and personality change to truly "recover". I am a recovering addict (2 years ) and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was absolutely the best decision I EVER made. I am in AA/NA, and honestly I know I never would have made it if weren't for them. BooBoo, you already know the most important thing which is he has to want it for himself. Your support is very important and he is lucky to have you
If you ever have any questions or just want to talk you can p.m. me ANYtime, I am more than qualified on this subject unfortunately..lol
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Old 05-31-2010, 07:39 PM
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decoprincess: any attempt..is an attempt in my eyes. He is very lucky to have strength (you) rooting for him in his corner.

Danya: Congratulations on your recovery. I look forward to hearing more advice and feedback reguarding this topic. Any topics discussing in AA/NA would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for sharing
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Old 05-31-2010, 08:09 PM
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Danya: "require a lifestyle and personality change to truly "recover"

Can you further discuss personality change?
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Old 05-31-2010, 08:12 PM
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This was the purpose for creating the thread..I'm SO glad to see others participating.
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:39 AM
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Hello All,
Good thread,
Danya congratulations on your 2 year mark. I know it is tough, i lived with my husband who is in a form of recovery because of his incarceration. Although he has been in and out of rehab at least three times these past two years, I can see a change in him this time, i don't know if it is the fear of losing his family because 10 months ago I made a positive change in my self when I joined al anon and celebrate recovery which is a spiritual base recovery tool.
Personality change- is a change in the people they hang with, the things they do and the places they go.
It may sound strange to some but my husband even argues differently with me now.
Mrsagger: Everyday that you decide not to use is a good day. It may get hard some days you may think about but when you make the decision not to you keep your sobriety for another day. ODAT one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow it will take care of itself

And I send you all a great big KISS: Keep It Simple Silly. Changed it a little as to not offend anyone.
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Old 06-01-2010, 09:00 PM
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I love that! a great friend once said that to me

Keep It Simple Stupid!---ermm SILLY
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Old 06-01-2010, 09:25 PM
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Basically, most addicts have many character defects (extreme selfishness being just one). AA/NA has suggested steps to take which will show you a new way to live your life, in the process of that you become a better person (personality change).

I don't know how well I am explaining this, and also keep in mind that AA/NA is not the only way to recover, but it is the only thing that ever worked for me personally (and many, many others). Here is a little something from the Big Book of AA to better explain:

Quote:
How it Works
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power- that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought
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Old 06-01-2010, 09:31 PM
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What a great thread... I went into the field of addiction/treatment as a way of understanding the chaos in the lives of people I loved and my own. I have stayed in it over the last couple of decades not only do I get the opportunity to see the daily struggles, challenges and heartaches I see it work and I personally witness the change in a person's life. Admitting our character flaws, accepting that we are powerless over the addictive substance (we can't just drink one glass or be a weekend user) is the first step in changing our lives.

I do believe that whenever possible it is good to change the people, places and things associated with addiction as the triggers for relapse are too powerful. Unfortunately for many a mandate to return to certain neighborhoods makes that near impossible (so even in our neighborhoods they have NA/AA meetings) meeting new friends is also difficult because so often 'straight' people don't make us feel comfortable so we may seek out people who we relate with.. (this is helped by going to meetings and meeting new people with similar life experiences).. and well that things category, is a big one, we do what we do because it is all we know. It is hard because we usually don't feel strong enough or good enough to start developing new skills to do other things.
For all of you that went another day whether it is in your own recovery or supporting someone in recovery ... my heart goes out to you. Prsions should not continue to fill up with people struggling with addictive disorders.
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Old 06-02-2010, 04:41 PM
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I'm loving the feedback.

Danya: I recall that information when I attended some AlAnon meetings. Its the same concept. I'm brainstorming ways to incorporate some of that into our next "relationship workshop" idea. Thank you...you have some ideas generating within my busy mind.

TimedOut: I am so glad to see you commented and participated within the thread. Its a comforting twist to have every end of the spectrum participating within the thread. I value your words and information... really I do. Your words comforted me in reguards to my boyfriend..because the start of our new life is going to be a different lifestyle for him. It won't be the same old atmosphere...and same old routine. Thats definately one advantage we have. I'm grateful for that. In reguards to my mother...Every time she came home from detox...or the hospital..it was back to home. Back to that studio apartment. The same walls..the same old thing..and sure enough..whether we dumped the stash or not...She would buy another...and another...and the cycle replayed. One time she was at the hospital...and before she came home we rearranged her furniture to give it a new flare or something..I dont know...It was a temporary fix until she was back at it again. I agree with your words.. Thank you.



Can someone tell me what a "recovery bible" is?...How different is it from a regular bible? My honey keeps asking me for one...I'm hoping to go pick one up this weekend.
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Old 06-02-2010, 04:58 PM
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http://www.zondervan.com/Cultures/en...Site=Zondervan

BooBoo, I just googled recovery bible and that is what seemed to be the most likely book he is talking about.
Also, some people refer to the Big Book/Blue Book of both AA/NA as a "bible" so I am not sure if he could be talking about that...
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Old 06-02-2010, 07:46 PM
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Anybody have knowledge of this book?

The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure: Passages Malibu

Underlying Causes
Many of the underlying causes that trigger addiction, and which we regularly heal at Passages are low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, loss of loved ones, trauma, molestation, headaches, insomnia, many sorts of physical pain, chemical imbalance, neurotransmitter imbalance, weak drive, ADD, lack of purpose, and family turmoil. There are many more underlying causes that we help our clients discover and heal, but those are some of the most common. It’s underlying problems like these that drive people to use drugs and alcohol, heal those and you have just accomplished a major component in getting sober permanently.

Why Most Treatment Centers Fail
Most treatment centers fail in their approach because they treat the addiction as if it is the problem, instead of looking for the deeper underlying issues. Their solution is a one-size fits all approach, which is to detox you, and then place you in group-meetings. This method of treatment is out of date, and needs to be changed drastically. Detoxing from drugs or alcohol is the first step, but if you don’t heal the underlying conditions, you will have a recipe for relapse.
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Old 06-04-2010, 11:46 PM
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Hey sorry I havent been in here in a couple days...Its been hard gettin access to my computer lately...

Danya: Thank you..that book seems interesting...but i talked to him about it. And its the bible...just the recovery version... im gonna go look for it tomorrow.Thank you.

decoprincess: I've never heard of that book...Hopefully someone will come in and give us some insight on it! The other information you added to your post....is that from the book...or from you? I agree with the underlying issues part...Its obviously rooted from something within...
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Old 06-06-2010, 10:16 AM
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Hello all
Boo BOO The recovery bible is an excellent bible which has side passages that explains/gives a little extra which assist the recovering addict or any one else that may be dealing with co dependence themselves. I hope you find one.

Decoprincess you are so right in what you say about having to treat the underlying issues that addicts can have that either leads them to and often times keeps them travelling down that same street.
will finish this when i get back.
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Old 06-09-2010, 07:09 PM
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I found a recovery version bible in the mall over the weekend. Once he gets moved I plan on sending him one. I hope its exactly what he was lookin for.


Random question:

Do you think there is such thing as an "honest addict" ?

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Old 06-09-2010, 07:25 PM
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I did not write what I posted,it is from the book.
Thinking about ordering it for my guy.
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Old 06-09-2010, 07:26 PM
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"honest addict"
do you have a definition? or do we just interpret?
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Old 06-09-2010, 07:43 PM
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lol, yes there is such a thing as an honest addict, but if an addict is in active addiction (still using) it is probable they will not be honest. Actually, working on complete honesty is something A.A. insists on. They say "secrets keep you sick" and if you can't be honest than you won't recover.
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