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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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Old 06-14-2017, 11:29 PM
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Default Need as much advice as possible...

Hi there,I normally don't put my business out there like im about to do but I need advice and fast if possible . You see im head over heels in love with my fiance.. I just picked up his belongings from the county jail here because Tuesday he will be going g upstate and then to another prison where he will do 3 months at a drug shock treatment facility prison .. I read his court papers that his attorney wrote on his behalf to the judge. He basically said a lot in the letter that I knew nothing of..Pretty serious stuff too.. my fiance's addiction is something I knew of.however I didn't know the length of time he's had it and things that follow that.. when he comes home he will be on a 6 month intensive parole and if he is to violate at all he will be sent back to prison . That I kinda knew..Yet I didn't know of the 6 month period after he comes home! At this point im very discouraged and my heart hurts a little.. I can't handle him going back to jail..I can't... Is there anyone out there that can help? Part of me thinks maybe I should just end the relationship.. but he's my Everything​! He's the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.. we plan to marry in January! My life is wrapped up in him..There's no one else for me!.. im a hot mess y'all lol please help ..Private message me if you'd like!! Thanks for reading xoxo
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Old 06-15-2017, 01:32 AM
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The best advice I have for you is to go to SoberRecovery.com, then head to the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum.

and - SLOW DOWN.
Trust me on this, you do not want to rush into marriage with an active addict, who's keeping secrets from you and is headed to prison.
Love is NOT enough.
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Old 06-15-2017, 09:27 AM
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Yes, sober recovery is a good forum. I still belong to their forum but now rarely go there. Our family lost the battle 3.5 years ago. I will encourage you to learn as much as you can...addiction of a loved one is heartbreaking and devastating for all involved. Sigh!!!
Sadly it sounds like your boyfriend has not been totally transparent with you, which goes right along with addiction. Be ready for all the ups and downs if you decide to stay in the relationship, especially if he struggles with staying clean.
It is my personal humble opinion you should put your relationship on hold. If you don't have children now...keep it that way!!
I'm speaking as a mother of a young son who lost his life to addiction, he was one day short of turning 25. I love him more than anything and would have loved for him to be happy and in love. But in reality, as sad as addiction is, I was glad that he never had a long lasting relationship or children because of all the heartache that he caused for himself and our family.
Our family lives now, every day, with the grief of not having him here. The what if's and what could have been. I am haunted by the past and it brings pain to my heart and tears to my eyes.
You deserve to be happy!
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Old 06-15-2017, 10:26 AM
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You might also want to check into some Al Anon meetings. Al Anon is for the loved ones of addicts/alcoholics. There, you will learn what you have control over and what you don't have control over. You'll learn about enabling and not get into that habit. You'll meet a lot of other people who love people with addiction problems and will be able to talk about jail and prison in relationship to addiction - trust me, jail and prison are a big part of an addict/alcoholic's life and it usually takes at least 8 goes, intentional goes, at sobriety before things start taking ahold, if they take ahold.

Here's what I know from my brother, addict and alcoholic for close to 40 years, and still going strong in his addiction. If he drops out of rehab and programming the minute the courts are off his back, he has no intention of staying sober. If he promises to find his own therapist and never does the work or makes the calls necessary to have more than one or two appointments, he's got no intention of staying sober. If he's all about staying sober but doesn't have a concrete plan in place complete with phone numbers, scheduled, rehabs - he has no intention of staying sober. If he doesn't clear out all the numbers from his phone of everybody except Mom, you, and Boss, he has no intention of staying sober. If searching his place of residence and getting rid of everything and anything that he may have used to perpetuate his addiction - he has no intention of staying sober (this means medicine cabinets, bongs, taking the beer cans to recycling, etc). If he tells you he's only going to drink beer from now on, he has no intention of staying sober. If he has an ignition interlock device on his car and insists on using your car or taking a kid with him, he has no intention of staying sober and is actively drinking. If he's going to roll his own cigarettes to "save money", he's smoking something.

Really the list goes on and on. I mean, he'll have friends with pain related conditions so that he can steal the oxy if that's his drug of choice. It's an education in addiction when he's honest enough to spill what his addictions really are. Even then, expect secretive behavior, him saying, "I didn't want to worry you" when it comes to things, especially legal consequences. And, it sucks.

Relax a bit. Take a deep breath. Use the resources you have. Get as much information about his current legal problems as well as his past legal history. Go to Al Anon. Learn as much as you can. The nice thing about a short prison sentence is that it gives you the space, including the head space, necessary to do the research you need to do to truly understand the situation.
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Old 06-15-2017, 02:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsLee011817 View Post
Hi there,I normally don't put my business out there like im about to do but I need advice and fast if possible . You see im head over heels in love with my fiance.. I just picked up his belongings from the county jail here because Tuesday he will be going g upstate and then to another prison where he will do 3 months at a drug shock treatment facility prison .. I read his court papers that his attorney wrote on his behalf to the judge. He basically said a lot in the letter that I knew nothing of..Pretty serious stuff too.. my fiance's addiction is something I knew of.however I didn't know the length of time he's had it and things that follow that.. when he comes home he will be on a 6 month intensive parole and if he is to violate at all he will be sent back to prison . That I kinda knew..Yet I didn't know of the 6 month period after he comes home! At this point im very discouraged and my heart hurts a little.. I can't handle him going back to jail..I can't... Is there anyone out there that can help? Part of me thinks maybe I should just end the relationship.. but he's my Everything​! He's the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.. we plan to marry in January! My life is wrapped up in him..There's no one else for me!.. im a hot mess y'all lol please help ..Private message me if you'd like!! Thanks for reading xoxo
Is he going to Willard?
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Old 06-15-2017, 03:57 PM
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Let me reiterate what was said above - DO NOT MARRY AN ACTIVE ADDICT! There will be far more heartbreak for you than you're feeling now. It will stretch out and fill your life and you will use up most of your energy making excuses, cleaning up the messes and covering his ass. (Can you tell I've been there?)

This is far more important than those dreams and feelings you have right now of "He's the one!" No, your dreams have never been of being attached to an addict. But that's his primary identification. His behavior will generally prove that - the drug will be more important than you, than work, than enjoyment of the rest of the world. Every single thing comes second to the addiction.

And - only one in 10 gets sober and stays that way. Those are your odds - 1 in 10. So there's a 90% chance that you will sell your soul, damage it bitterly, and lose. And eventually, you will have to look back on all the excuses you made for your 'poor baby' and slap yourself in the face for every time you ignored the reality of his addiction and its effect on you.

You have to wait until he's been out of rehab for a year, going to meetings for his sobriety, keeping his mental health up front as a goal. After a year, he has a little practice in sobriety. So, for your own sanity and health (and you can live without him better than you think) DO NOT MARRY HIM IN JANUARY. Wait until he proves himself to be a sober human.
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Last edited by nimuay; 06-15-2017 at 03:59 PM..
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Old 06-15-2017, 08:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsLee011817 View Post
Hi there,I normally don't put my business out there like im about to do but I need advice and fast if possible . You see im head over heels in love with my fiance.. I just picked up his belongings from the county jail here because Tuesday he will be going g upstate and then to another prison where he will do 3 months at a drug shock treatment facility prison .. I read his court papers that his attorney wrote on his behalf to the judge. He basically said a lot in the letter that I knew nothing of..Pretty serious stuff too.. my fiance's addiction is something I knew of.however I didn't know the length of time he's had it and things that follow that.. when he comes home he will be on a 6 month intensive parole and if he is to violate at all he will be sent back to prison . That I kinda knew..Yet I didn't know of the 6 month period after he comes home! At this point im very discouraged and my heart hurts a little.. I can't handle him going back to jail..I can't... Is there anyone out there that can help? Part of me thinks maybe I should just end the relationship.. but he's my Everything​! He's the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.. we plan to marry in January! My life is wrapped up in him..There's no one else for me!.. im a hot mess y'all lol please help ..Private message me if you'd like!! Thanks for reading xoxo
Your life being wrapped up by an addict is a recipe for disaster! You are, or seem to be codependent on him and that is not healthy.

I suggest you get to some Al-non and Codependents Anonymous meetings, as these will help you work your own program of recovery. We become ill ourselves when we have a relationship with an addict. I am not saying to leave him, but you really need to get yourself some meetings under your belt because right now, you are feeling stuck and that is not a good space to be in.

If you don't want to attend F2F meetings, they have them online as well. Just Google them and start your own process of recovery. Let him know that right now, you are working on you and getting healthy. Take some time to reflect, because I guarantee this will not be an easy ride if you choose to stay with him.

Be strong and know you can get through this
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Old 06-16-2017, 08:38 AM
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Even if he is sober for years, he can always relapse. IF you marry him, even when he is sober, you must know that there is ALWAYS the chance of relapse. It may good for years and then suddenly something triggers it and then you're dealing with that. I agree with not marrying him as an active addict, but drug and alcohol addiction is not curable, it is in "remission" or "dormant" but it is never completely gone. Do not fool yourself to think he is cured just because he is sober for years. I hope he is sober for the rest of his life, but just be prepared financially, mentally, and emotionally if he doesn't stay that way.

I knew who I married. He was clean and sober AT THE TIME I met him and started dating him (2012), but he was honest and told me he was a recovering addict. Months later he relapsed, then he was clean again for some months-year, then relapsed again, then got clean again for a while, we eventually were married, then he relapsed 4 months into marriage, etc. My point is just know what you're signing up for. Be realistic and honest with yourself, it is not an easy road. Good luck.
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Old 06-18-2017, 09:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsLee011817 View Post
Hi there,I normally don't put my business out there like im about to do but I need advice and fast if possible . You see im head over heels in love with my fiance.. I just picked up his belongings from the county jail here because Tuesday he will be going g upstate and then to another prison where he will do 3 months at a drug shock treatment facility prison .. I read his court papers that his attorney wrote on his behalf to the judge. He basically said a lot in the letter that I knew nothing of..Pretty serious stuff too.. my fiance's addiction is something I knew of.however I didn't know the length of time he's had it and things that follow that.. when he comes home he will be on a 6 month intensive parole and if he is to violate at all he will be sent back to prison . That I kinda knew..Yet I didn't know of the 6 month period after he comes home! At this point im very discouraged and my heart hurts a little.. I can't handle him going back to jail..I can't... Is there anyone out there that can help? Part of me thinks maybe I should just end the relationship.. but he's my Everything​! He's the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.. we plan to marry in January! My life is wrapped up in him..There's no one else for me!.. im a hot mess y'all lol please help ..Private message me if you'd like!! Thanks for reading xoxo
No you should help him get through it.my husband been gone for about one year and he's on his way to a three-month halfway house and I'm staying with him I've just been praying for him knowing that God has turned it around so you keep your head up and stay faithful and he'll be home soon
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Old 06-19-2017, 12:18 AM
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Btw, my brother has never been so much of a friend to me as when I have an injury.

Be prepared for things to disappear on you - the more expensive, the better. You'll get a bunch of excuses, and if you're not used to addicts, you'll buy into them for a time. How long depends on you.

You can lose your stuff, your credit rating, get booted from your house, lose you job - all because of an active addict. If you work around drugs, expect the addict to show up unexpectedly at work. You can lose a nursing license this way, or a pharmacy license, or a doctor's license.

I agree with the prior poster who said that he should get on his feet for a year before you even think about marriage (imho, you shouldn't get into an exclusive relationship for a year). He needs to be totally forthright with you about his addiction, his legal history, his current legal status. He needs to be totally forthright with you about his plans for staying sober. You need to see him making positive steps to effectuate those plans. You need to see him settle into a sober life.

Yes, they can relapse at any time. The stats are horrible. You need to decide for yourself what you're going to do and how you're going to handle a relapse. He needs to have an action plan ready in case of relapse.

I have no choice but to be related to my brother. You can fall in love with whomever your heart settles on, but that doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. If you fall in love with a priest, a family member, somebody else's husband, you don't have to do anything about it. The most respectful thing you can do is keep your feelings to yourself and not do anything about it. Feelings pass if not fed. It is your choice as to whether you want to feed your feelings and turn this whole thing into a marriage. You can do that on your own terms as well.
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsLee011817 View Post
Hi there,I normally don't put my business out there like im about to do but I need advice and fast if possible . You see im head over heels in love with my fiance.. I just picked up his belongings from the county jail here because Tuesday he will be going g upstate and then to another prison where he will do 3 months at a drug shock treatment facility prison .. I read his court papers that his attorney wrote on his behalf to the judge. He basically said a lot in the letter that I knew nothing of..Pretty serious stuff too.. my fiance's addiction is something I knew of.however I didn't know the length of time he's had it and things that follow that.. when he comes home he will be on a 6 month intensive parole and if he is to violate at all he will be sent back to prison . That I kinda knew..Yet I didn't know of the 6 month period after he comes home! At this point im very discouraged and my heart hurts a little.. I can't handle him going back to jail..I can't... Is there anyone out there that can help? Part of me thinks maybe I should just end the relationship.. but he's my Everything​! He's the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.. we plan to marry in January! My life is wrapped up in him..There's no one else for me!.. im a hot mess y'all lol please help ..Private message me if you'd like!! Thanks for reading xoxo

I wouldn't jump the gun. You gotta believe in him to do well. It's best not to assume the worst. I would stay with him and take it one day at a time. Join a support group as he is getting ready to go home.

Last edited by MyLuv4o7; 06-19-2017 at 09:20 PM..
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