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Old 07-12-2018, 10:52 PM
Samantha004 Samantha004 is online now
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Default Need some advice (considering a divorce)

Hi everyone! Just need some advice on this situation I'm in.

My husband and I been together for over 12 years. He's getting out of prison in 4 months after almost 11 years and those 11 years really has been a hell of ride for the both of us.

I'm not gonna lie, my husband is a real troublesome inside prison. He got transferred many times and he's in and out of SHU all-the-time. Him being a handful made it impossible to our family to go visit him and so I haven't seen my man in 3 years cause either he was in SHU, they were transfer him, they took his visits and his phone calls, etc.

Now I got my concerns about a few things that really got me to this point where I'm seriously consider to divorce.

Like I said, my husband is a troublesome and I haven't seen him for the past 3 years. A year ago he said he wanted us to come visit so we filled out a new form and after we did he got into trouble again. When he got back from SHU he told me not to come visit cause 'that trip would be a waste of money' since he was going home 'soon' 1,5y later, wow.

We got into an argument and he said some pretty nasty things. I've been here by his side all this time and now he's telling me I'm not committed enough to him, he even said he's realizing I'm just a passing time thing to him. He apologized and maybe he said that in the heat of the moment but I've heard a lot excuses before and things never got the same again. He calls me only once every two or three months. He never writes letters, only emails. Around the holidays he told me he couldn't email me all day long cause he was busy writing xmas cards to everyone, but we never got one. He didn't even sent anything on my birthday, not even on our daughter's birthday. I confronted him and ofcourse I'm 'overreacting' and I'm such a 'drama queen'. I don't understand. Why.

Now he's back in SHU again for over a month now and he didn't even wrote us. He wrote a family member to tell me he's in SHU and asked me to write him. In this situation I just don't know what to write, I really don't know how to deal with this situation anymore. I know, prison has changed him but it's not an excuse for abandoning your family. He's not the type person you get through to but I do want to write him a letter to get my answers about our marriage. I don't want to be negative towards him while he's in SHU, I don't want to give him a hard time but since he doesn't seems to be interested in our family anymore so I got nothing else to talk about, right? What would you guys do?!
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Old 07-12-2018, 11:32 PM
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Wow, I'm amazed you stuck it out that long with him and the whole situation.
I of course don't know how you feel about him but I almost think you should leave and live your own life. He obviously has not changed or improved while in prison so I'd be very apprehensive about him coming home to you and your family.
My gut tells me this does not sound good, healthy and safe.
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Old 07-12-2018, 11:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samantha004 View Post
I don't want to be negative towards him while he's in SHU, I don't want to give him a hard time but since he doesn't seems to be interested in our family anymore so I got nothing else to talk about, right? What would you guys do?!
Be negative when he's in the SHU. He was negative when he wasn't, so when is a good time to talk about this? Honestly, it doesn't seem like he's taken your family bonds all that seriously if he couldn't stay out of trouble for a month so you could visit. You've been a single mom for 11 years-- paying the bills, raising your kid, worrying about him. And he can't stay out for three and a half weeks?!

I'd walk. No fancy closure, just file for divorce and protect my hard-earned assets and family from a man who thrives on chaos. And I'd sure as heck have him served with papers before he's released so you don't have to go chasing him down.
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Old 07-13-2018, 01:23 AM
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I'm sorry you are (and have been for a long time) going through this. You ask "what would you guys do?" and I would have to agree with Mizzy and Mia; this doesn't really seem like a positive, balanced marriage and it appears it has been mainly you who has been putting in the effort all along....so yes, I would not stay with him anymore. Sending you strength
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Old 07-13-2018, 01:26 AM
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OH...hell no!!! He does not sound like a man any woman should be involved with. His track record speaks for it's self...If it were me...I would get while the gettin's good!
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Old 07-13-2018, 03:01 AM
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What the heck are you getting out of this relationship? Not much, as far as I can tell.

“Prison changed him” is not an excuse. It’s not a reason to stay. In fact, it’s a reason to leave, in my opinion. “Changed” means he’s no longer the person he was. This is who he is now. And what a lot of people fail to realize is people don’t magically change back once they leave those walls. There’s no switch that flips. He is who he is. Is he someone you want to stay on this merry go round with? Because I can garuantee you this - if he’s still getting in constant trouble on the inside, he’ll be back to getting in trouble on the outside and you’ll be back to being a prison wife before you know it.

I know there’s no easy path here, but I think I would have to leave. He’s just not being any sort of husband to you.
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Old 07-13-2018, 03:03 AM
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I have so many questions Samantha, how does one stay in a marriage like this? I'm so confused? How were you able to stick this out this long? Have you found someone else and so you were relieved not to see him? You only talk every few months? It doesn't even sound like you guys are casually dating let alone in a 12 year marriage. Why? How?
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Old 07-13-2018, 04:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Grolarbear View Post
I have so many questions Samantha, how does one stay in a marriage like this? I'm so confused? How were you able to stick this out this long? Have you found someone else and so you were relieved not to see him? You only talk every few months? It doesn't even sound like you guys are casually dating let alone in a 12 year marriage. Why? How?
Well I know him basically all my life since we grew up together and yes we've been dating before we married! And no I haven't seen someone else??

This situation we're in hasn't always been like this when he went to prison and he never gave me a reason before to leave. Everything changed when he got tansferred to this hell hole he's posted at right now since last year. Before all this there were no issues between us and we were able to visit him every other week. He called us every other day and we also used corrlinks daily if he wasn't in SHU.
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Old 07-13-2018, 05:47 AM
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What he's doing now is exactly what he's going to do when he gets home! Get out while you can he's treating you like an outsider. I don't understand how you put up with it so long. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you find a resolution soon.
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Old 07-13-2018, 07:08 AM
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So i don't know about the divorce part BUT i can speak about not writing or calling for months at a time.

My daughters bio dad is in there and he does the same thing, he only sends her a letter every few months and it always says the same thing & is a short letter. "i hope you're good, i miss you, love you etc." He hardly calls.

BUT he writes his other family every week or sometimes more, he has a gf & he calls them monthly. Gets money sent 2 times a month from multiple people.
Why can't you do that for your daughter?

I can tell you why. PRIORITIES.

If anything I think he should be writing you more, talking about your guys life outside of prison, trying to connect more with your kids so when he gets out it may be a little easier.
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Old 07-13-2018, 07:56 AM
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My daughters bio dad is in there and he does the same thing, he only sends her a letter every few months and it always says the same thing & is a short letter. "i hope you're good, i miss you, love you etc." He hardly calls.

BUT he writes his other family every week or sometimes more, he has a gf & he calls them monthly. Gets money sent 2 times a month from multiple people.
Why can't you do that for your daughter?

I can tell you why. PRIORITIES.

If anything I think he should be writing you more, talking about your guys life outside of prison, trying to connect more with your kids so when he gets out it may be a little easier.
Wow. That's sad you're right, it's about priorities. My husband don't even write our daughter but he does write his family, who haven't been in contact with him the first 8y in prison, and calls them everyday. And when he calls us once every two or three months, he calls when our daughter is at school.

I tried to talk to him about these things but all he does is telling me I'm overreacting and making me feel like I'm crazy or whatevers. And I'm sick of it. I did my best but it's really hard to talk to and get through to someone who doesn't want to see there are problems that need to get solved.
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Old 07-13-2018, 08:05 AM
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What he's doing now is exactly what he's going to do when he gets home! Get out while you can he's treating you like an outsider. I don't understand how you put up with it so long. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you find a resolution soon.
Well that's exactly how I been feeling and I can't tell you how, love is blind right....
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Old 07-13-2018, 08:08 AM
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If i were you, i would NOT welcome him home with open arms at all. Think of the emotional damage of your daughter (if any)...
& it will never get solved.

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Wow. That's sad you're right, it's about priorities. My husband don't even write our daughter but he does write his family, who haven't been in contact with him the first 8y in prison, and calls them everyday. And when he calls us once every two or three months, he calls when our daughter is at school.

I tried to talk to him about these things but all he does is telling me I'm overreacting and making me feel like I'm crazy or whatevers. And I'm sick of it. I did my best but it's really hard to talk to and get through to someone who doesn't want to see there are problems that need to get solved.
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Old 07-13-2018, 08:18 AM
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I really have no advice except you haven't had a marriage so really a divorce is just a formality at this point.
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Old 07-13-2018, 08:51 AM
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I'm divorced from my first husband, and my current husband is the one in prison. My first husband is the nicest guy ever, and fortunately it was amicable, but at the end of the day, he was not for me and we were not meant to be together. Making the decision to proceed with a divorce (we have 4 kids and they were ages 5-9 at the time) was without a doubt one of the hardest, if not the hardest, decisions I have ever made in my life. But I had to do what was best for not just me, but for my kids. I had a right to be happy, and they had a right to have two parents who were happy, instead of staying together for the wrong reasons.

I know my kids wish we stayed together, however they often say they are happy we got divorced when we did, instead of now. My ex is remarried with 2 additional kids (now ages 6 and 8), our kids are (15-21 now), and even with my current husband in prison (6-1/2 months to go - yay), I have to tell you, I would not have done anything differently. It was the absolute best decision I made ever. I am happy. Obviously, not happy my husband is in prison, and not happy he made a stupid decision way back in 2006, but that didn't involve me and he made a mistake that doesn't define the kind loving generous person or great stepfather that he has been to my kids.

My kids have 4 parents that are there for them, and they are so much better off than if their father and I had stayed together. We are each happier than if we had been together and we are each better parents because of it.

I remember people coming up to me and saying "good for you, that you had the guts to leave", because in my community, people stay for the money their spouse may bring to the marriage, or in general because two incomes are better than one, or whatever, but to me, I had to think outside the box, know my kids wouldn't always be able to get everything that everyone else had, but also know they would be brought up with good values, and not a sense of entitlement. My kids are good kids, have not gotten into trouble, and are very happy well adjusted kids, even though I do know they wish their parents never got divorced. That is the only thing I can't give back to them.

Do what you need to do, as everyone has a right to be happy, and while you can't get back the time you stood by him, you have a lifetime ahead of you to be happy and move on, as well as does he.
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Old 07-13-2018, 10:17 AM
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Start the divorce now, and that can be the letter you write too him in the SHU. Don't allow him to parole to you - he's in close contact with his family - they can have him!
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Old 07-13-2018, 01:57 PM
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All I can add to this is what I "think" I would do in this situation. I am divorced from my children's sperm donor and my current husband is doing 30 months (only 23 left to go...woohoo!) I stayed with the first one through abuse (verbal and mental) until it went physical toward one of the children. At that point he found his crap in the yard. Married my current husband almost 6 years ago. There is NO way I would allow him to do me and my childrent that way...NONE. I would be writing him...and he would be told how I felt and what I thought about his abandonment (which is exactly what it is). And honestly, divorce papers would be following. If he wanted this marriage and my family, then he will find a way (even from prison) to make the changes and get the help he needs.

Once again, just my two cents.....Good luck.
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Old 07-14-2018, 05:24 AM
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I think the other writers have said what needed to be said and I they think you know what would be best for you ..dont worry about him and his "feelings" he clearly doesn't worry about yours. I add my vote to those TV hat say get that divorce..have him served before he's released. You've spent enough time and energy on a man who clearly doesn't value you. Live your life ..you deserve happiness and he doesn't seem to be able to contribute towards that.
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Old 07-14-2018, 06:10 AM
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Well that's exactly how I been feeling and I can't tell you how, love is blind right....
I've never been one to believe that love is blind. Love to me is happiness having someone who appreciates you gives you the attention that you need and willing to make the sacrifice to go out of their way to show you the love you deserve. I was in a relationship before where I was neglected in the love Department this was my ex-husband it was hard for me to even get him to give me a hug when I wanted one and then when I met my current husband it was like a totally different experience with love. We fell in love immediately and it was this intense experience for me because I have been married to my ex-husband for 10 years at that point and going from that to feeling so much love was amazing. When my husband's home he never stops touching me he never stops showing me attention he's an amazing husband. You should be feeling so much love right now from your husband but instead he's neglecting you and his child and he's going to do the same when he comes home the situation he's in now he should be doing all he can to make up for being in prison in my opinion.
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Old 07-14-2018, 07:36 AM
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I think you should do what you THINK YOU should do.
It sounds pretty obvious that he's not that invested in both keeping in contact with you and his daughter and doing the things he needs to do to stay out of the SHU.
It does not bode well for him once released. If he cant follow the rules inside, what can you expect him to do once outside. More of the same.


As to you being a drama queen. That is laughable.
Ignore that.
If it were me, I'd probably file for divorce. It sounds like a marriage in name only.
Im sorry. Im sure it still does hurt you to know he's not writing or calling you.


Hang in mom.
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