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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 10-17-2016, 03:24 PM
baby77 baby77 is offline
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Default He said he started to use drugs again because of me

hello everyone, I hope you are having a nice day , Im new to this but I really need any advice.
I've been with my boyfriend for three years, during the first two and a half everything was awesome, we never argued or had any problem.
One day he told me he was going to get a cellphone so he could call me everyday for free, but I got angry and I told him not do it because he only had one more year to come home and I didnt want him to get in trouble or catch more time..he got the cellphone anyway and called me. I was angry because I really trust him for a long time and I thought he wasnt going to do anything wrong never, so I told him he could keep the cellphone but if he got in trouble I was going to leave him..everything changed since that. For the last 6 months I've been feeling so deppresed because he started to write and call less, to sound like very bad most of the time..I knew something wasnt right, so he ended up telling me that since I said If he got in trouble I was going to leave, he started to use drugs again, heroin, and drinking almost every day. He said he got deppresed and devastated since I said that and now he is a drogadict and a alcoholic again.He said that I dont feel unconditional love for him saying that.
At the start I thought it was his fault to use drugs again and I only said that because I was worrying about him and I just didnt want him to get in trouble.. it would be awesome for me to talk everyday with him with a cellphone for free but I rather to use the normal payphone knowing that he is not taking any risks..but lately I've been feeling very guilty and sad and mean for telling him that, I dont know if its my fault, Im getting really deppresed.
I've always proved him how much I love him, I live in Europe and travel from here several times to visit and everything, I've always been by his side, but he says he cant forget those words.. I dont know..
Did anybody have any exprience like this? what I should do now?Im very confused and hurt..
thank you so much for taking the time to read this.. I really appreciate it
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Old 10-17-2016, 03:49 PM
Gypsyrayne Gypsyrayne is offline
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It's not your fault he started using again. So put that out of your mind. My son is an addict. Trust me when I tell you I've heard every excuse there is. I used to believe him. I thought if I had been a better mom, if I would have done this or that, he wouldn't use. It doesn't matter what I did or didn't do. He got high because he was an addict. The same is true with your bf.

I don't know if you have nar anon where you live, it's a group for loved ones of addicts, but if you do, you should go. There you learn that it's not your fault. And you learn to cope with what is. The people were always very kind when I went. There is also an online nar anon group. Maybe you could google it.

It's hard dealing with an addicted lo, it makes you crazy. It would help to have support. Hugs.
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Old 10-17-2016, 03:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baby77 View Post
[...]I told him he could keep the cellphone but if he got in trouble I was going to leave him.[...] he ended up telling me that since I said If he got in trouble I was going to leave, he started to use drugs again, heroin, and drinking almost every day. He said he got deppresed and devastated since I said that and now he is a drogadict and a alcoholic again.He said that I dont feel unconditional love for him saying that. [...]
You are never, ever the reason a person abuses a substance or relapses into their addiction. That is a choice and not one you make for them. He isn't an addict again, he always was and always will be. People who are successful at kicking their habits acknowledge that they addicts and work to avoid the pitfalls that come with it. They don't shift blame onto others.

In my opinion, unconditional love means holding them accountable. It never means being willing to accept bad behavior and poor choices.
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Old 10-17-2016, 04:10 PM
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I totally agree he is not a drug addict or an alcoholic because of you or something you said. He was an addict before he met you and he has relapsed.
Its his decison to take drugs and his decision to drink.Your decison is whether you stick around as you cant change him unless he wants to change and from what your describing he is showing no signs of making any positive changes.

Its so hard loving an addict , please think carefully.
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Old 10-17-2016, 07:12 PM
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Wow how dare he blame you. So you have to walk on pins and needles and watch what you say because if you say the wrong thing he will do drugs and blame you. So not right. I think you should speak to him and tell him if he doesn't straighten up your gone Hypothetical speaking. If he plans on getting out when he's supposed to then he needs to stop the drugs and get rid of that phone. Heck my husband drinks that's why he's in prison and his cell mate makes it but he doesn't touch it he knows that if he does he risks coming home. And sure I would love to speak to him everyday for free and he could of gotten plenty of phones but would he? HELL NO because he knows if he gets caught he gets a level one ticket and won't come home in time and our visits would be terminated. I think your boyfriend is setting himself up to fail. And if he's that heavy into drugs now just imagine the pain he will put you through when he comes home. It's time for him to get it right before he gets out.
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Old 10-17-2016, 07:44 PM
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He didn't start back using drugs because of you, he did it IN SPITE of the love you give him.
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Old 10-17-2016, 09:03 PM
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Hon, if you hang around a few NarAnon or AlAnon meetings (they're the ones for people who have loved ones who are addicts, not for the addicts themselves) you'll probably hear from every member that they've been blamed for their addict's behavior.

And every one of them has had to learn that if an addict doesn't take responsibility for their behavior then they'll for absolutely sure relapse. The moment you hear "but it's your fault", you know you have to get away from them because they're going to take you down with them.

Don't let that happen. Save yourself and let him go.
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Old 10-18-2016, 12:28 AM
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It is NOT your fault. He is just saying that to 1. Justify his bad behavior and 2. To make you feel bad because you're not putting up with the bad behavior.
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Old 10-18-2016, 05:53 AM
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Thank you so so so much for all your help..I feel like crying right now,I really needed someone that knows what is this tell me it wasnt my fault..you helped me a lot, I dont have words.
He always said he had lived a bad life but he changed and I believed him for 3 years, then he said he was an alcoholic and a drogatic, and also said he is selling drugs in prison to make money for us when he gets out..Im so dissapointed, I cant believe this is the man I've known all this time..
He says I dont understand what it means to be in prison as a excuse for what he is doing.
He promised to change the day he gets out and live a normal good life with me but of course I have many doubts..I asked him to promise that he wasnt going to use more drugs anymore and he said, I cant promise that, because if one day you make me sad or mad I will do it again, and maked me promised him I was going to love him forever no matter what.
I told him he needs medical treatment but he says Im the only person that can help him because nobody cares about him in there.
I though Ok, Im going to try to help him until he comes home in 9 months and then he would look for help outside, but my days are become so sad and bad, I cant trust him anymore, I never know how he is going to be when he calls, he also said he quited his job for me to have time to write me more and I never ever asked him to quit his job!now it seems like he got in trouble for quit.. He is driving me crazy, and Im supposed to move there and leave all my family and friends for him..
Thank you so much to all of you again, your words mean a lot

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Old 10-18-2016, 06:37 AM
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He is manipulating you. Don't fall for it. You telling not to get a phone should show him you care because you don't want him in trouble. He us a drug addict and being in jail making poor choices is not a good sign for when he comes home. You have some serious thinking to do
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Old 10-18-2016, 07:06 AM
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What a moron and sissy (excuse my French)... That sounds so like emotional abuse to me. None needs that, none deserves that and you should get the hell away from him and that. You are way better than that!!!!
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Old 10-18-2016, 07:25 AM
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This does not sound like a healthy relationship. As hard as it may seem, I think it might be best if you start distancing yourself from him. If he can not follow the rules and behave himself in prison, he's not going to be able to do it when he's out. He seems to be looking at you as a way to justify doing whatever he wants, but his reasoning is illogical. He's showing you who he really is.
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Old 10-18-2016, 07:41 AM
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Drug addiction is a very serious and dangerous disease. There is a reason why millions of people are affected and families get torn apart by it all the time, if not worse.
Firstly, it's a disease. It can be treated. But the first step is that he needs to take responsibility for his addiction. It's not your fault nor will it ever be your fault! Loved ones are sometimes partially to blame because they enable their loved one by giving them money to buy drugs so that they don't have to do something illegal or "run the streets". They make excuses. It's so very very tough on everyone who is involved!
If you stay with him, you need to understand that this is a forever thing. He will ALWAYS be an addict. The brain changes, the person changes. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that. Of course it hurts to see someone you love out of control like this, but what is your plan for the future? You want this for the rest of your life? If you're planning on being with this man, he needs to clean up first, accept responsibility, and stay clean for a long time before he's even able to love YOU unconditionally. You didn't do this to him, he did.
You did right by him, believe or not, by setting rules. You went through with it and now he's whining about it because he's probably not used to that. I know it doesn't feel right, but you did what you did BECAUSE you love him. Don't feel guilty. It's easier said than done, but you're not giving up on him by setting boundaries and rules. That's the only way to do it.
I'm not advocating that you leave him, I'm not advocating that you're staying. But I insist that you take care of yourself first!
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Old 10-18-2016, 08:16 AM
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He is being selfish and trying to put the blame on you for his decision to fall of the wagon. It is the addict play the victim mentality, don't fall for it. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you are trying to love him and be a positive force in his life, he should have listened to you about the cellphone. I don't know what you should do at this point, that is up to you. If you want to be with him though, you have to set up boundaries. You can't destroy your life trying to save his.
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Old 10-18-2016, 08:28 AM
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naranon is worldwide
http://www.nar-anon.org/

Look to see if you can find a meeting place near you.
If you cant I'd bet they also have online places to read/check in with.

He is trying to make himself feel better because if he had to blame himself for the position he's in......well that would make him responsible. Cant have that.
Its an addict's way of thinking. Nothing is their fault.

YOU should be the reason he wants to stop. Not the reason for using.
With an addict, any reason is a reason to use. Or no reason.
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Old 10-18-2016, 08:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baby77 View Post
hello everyone, I hope you are having a nice day , Im new to this but I really need any advice.
I've been with my boyfriend for three years, during the first two and a half everything was awesome, we never argued or had any problem.
One day he told me he was going to get a cellphone so he could call me everyday for free, but I got angry and I told him not do it because he only had one more year to come home and I didnt want him to get in trouble or catch more time..he got the cellphone anyway and called me. I was angry because I really trust him for a long time and I thought he wasnt going to do anything wrong never, so I told him he could keep the cellphone but if he got in trouble I was going to leave him..everything changed since that. For the last 6 months I've been feeling so deppresed because he started to write and call less, to sound like very bad most of the time..I knew something wasnt right, so he ended up telling me that since I said If he got in trouble I was going to leave, he started to use drugs again, heroin, and drinking almost every day. He said he got deppresed and devastated since I said that and now he is a drogadict and a alcoholic again.He said that I dont feel unconditional love for him saying that.
At the start I thought it was his fault to use drugs again and I only said that because I was worrying about him and I just didnt want him to get in trouble.. it would be awesome for me to talk everyday with him with a cellphone for free but I rather to use the normal payphone knowing that he is not taking any risks..but lately I've been feeling very guilty and sad and mean for telling him that, I dont know if its my fault, Im getting really deppresed.
I've always proved him how much I love him, I live in Europe and travel from here several times to visit and everything, I've always been by his side, but he says he cant forget those words.. I dont know..
Did anybody have any exprience like this? what I should do now?Im very confused and hurt..
thank you so much for taking the time to read this.. I really appreciate it
Anyone that blames another for their actions and choices is not taking responsibility for their own life. You are not and never will be the reason he chooses to use or get into trouble.

It sounds to me like you have lost yourself while trying to prove to this guy that you love him. He is an addict, plain and simple and his life will NOT change until he is ready. No matter how much you love him, you will not keep him clean.

I suggest you get yourself to some Nar-Anon meetings and start your own recovery program. Living and loving someone addicted is NOT a fun journey and we must take action to learn all we can about addiction and learn to detach from those that are addicted. We also learn that we oftentimes enable those we love to continue down the path of destruction.

Relationships are difficult enough without adding addiction to the picture, so be gentle with yourself, get to some meetings and start to take your power back.
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