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Remembering Those That Passed While In Prison This forum is for all those - family, friends, spouses, wives, husbands, significant others, brothers, sisters, parents, and children - who lost a loved one or friend while incarcerated.

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Old 05-02-2016, 07:51 PM
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Default And then some days I just fall apart

Can I have him back now?...I miss him so much
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" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."
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Old 05-02-2016, 08:14 PM
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Aw, jadah! I'm so sorry it's a bad time for you. You'll weather it. He taught you a lot of things, all sorts of things that made you stronger and stronger, and that will kick back in, after you've had a chance to cry.

Meanwhile, lots of hugs!
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Old 05-03-2016, 01:06 AM
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Jadah, it's ok to break down. There is no other way than "through it", but we're all here with support and prayers for you girl. He is always with you, by your side, in your heart, in your every action and thought. He's in the blossoming of flowers, in the wind clearing the sky, he will be there in days like this and in days you manage to smile. Hugs and prayers your way, and really - it's ok to break down.
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Old 05-03-2016, 06:05 AM
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Jadah, the words in my head "sound" hollow and shallow to my own ear. I'm so sorry for your pain. Truly, I am. Wish I could do more than "listen" and hope and pray a better day is coming your way soon.
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Old 05-03-2016, 07:24 PM
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I guess only those of us here understand how we keep the "we" in "us" living as we do and doing time together just in separate places.
He "got out "first. I've followed him everywhere else. I would follow him again but its just not my turn yet.

I spent so much effort and time making sure he was included in everything I did and to present him in the best light to everyone. He only "included me" in his life behind bars as he saw fit (but his opinion was "why call home and talk about the garbage? When I call home, I want to talk about the good stuff. Besides He said he didn't want such beauty caged up."--yeah I know he had a way with words.) I did things according to how he would've liked them.... a lot of times I had to wait on him to tell me because I was learning something new....So everything was a "WE" effort/ I never even took credit for anything that I do or did. Including him--any way I knew how was my goal, even if it meant giving him credit for something I physically did. He was so very proud of being "we".

I just keep waiting for him to tell me the next great idea we will do together. oh what a tearful day today has been..I know what he would say...I just have to "get my head out of my own ass" and figure it out then get to truckin'!
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There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."

Last edited by jadah; 05-03-2016 at 07:30 PM..
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Old 05-03-2016, 07:27 PM
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Give yourself time to grief sweetie.....the grieving process has no timeline or stern "do this, then do that," its individually tailored. Hold onto the love between you, it never goes away; let it comfort you in times like this. I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss

And its perfectly ok to have a meltdown, cry when you need to--its part of the process.
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Old 05-03-2016, 09:09 PM
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You know, you're going to have those days off and on. Like Patch said, there is no timeline for grief. It does get easier, but it never goes away. You will also have those days where you think of something he said to you, or the way he said it, and you will smile. BIG HUG to you!
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Old 05-04-2016, 06:15 AM
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When I reflect back about the constant "to do" list and the "what's next", and "all the things I gave up to walk this walk with him" I want to say he never said thank you out loud. And at first thought that pisses me off because "What about me/!"
Instead, when I "get my head right", he DID say thank you. He never complained, never berated, never belittled, never put me down and so many other little things... He was always appreciative of my sacrifice. It is up to me to remember all the little quiet private ways he said thank you from the bottom of his heart. I understand why he did it that way. In a dog eat dog world and only the strong survive world that was his, he couldn't show weakness. Perhaps saying "Thank you" out loud would have done that, so he kept it private and pertinent to our world that existed at the visiting tables and in letters and in phone calls.
Thanks for listening guys.
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"One of the casualties of [prison life] is the numbness of the heart"- Man on Fire

"
There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."
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Old 05-04-2016, 10:09 AM
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Some days are worse than others. It sounds like you're having a bad one.

Those days pass and new days take on different tones. He'll never really leave you - he is and was a part of your heart. The heart doesn't let go as if you'd never met him. He's with you because he shaped part of who you are.

That said, it's been over a year and a half and I still have my weepy moments - I usually just hope they don't happen when I'm at work.

It's good that you're being true to his memory and to what he would want you to do, but don't forget to live your life as well. Try not to get sucked into the "what would he want me to do" - he would want you to live your life and be happy. That's not to say he'd want you to forget him, just that he would be unhappy if you were unhappy.

As someone above mentioned, you don't get "over" grief, you get "through" it. It's a healthy sign that your grieving - it means you aren't in denial. It's not pleasant or fun or enjoyable, but it is healthy. Allow yourself to be healthy and don't be too hard on yourself when the hard days hit you.
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Old 05-04-2016, 07:12 PM
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I've come to realize, he could care less about "the stuff". what meant most was the relationship. There are no anchors to that. In this way, I have come to decide the best way to handle what to do "with the stuff" is just to do what I normally would and as it was intended--to treat it with respect and make my own gentle carefully thought out decisions.
His mother trusted me that much with her son, and her stuff. My mother-in-law trusted me that much and so did my husband. I guess I need to remember how I used to do that for myself, understanding, I am not dishonoring anyone by continuing to move forward. At least I am moving towards that place.
I guess I will always be so proud to be his wife. I was lucky enough to love a wonderful man. I would still wish the love we have on anyone.
Thanks so much guys.
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"One of the casualties of [prison life] is the numbness of the heart"- Man on Fire

"
There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."

Last edited by jadah; 05-04-2016 at 07:18 PM..
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Old 05-06-2016, 08:10 AM
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When I was sorting through my Dad's belongings, I would struggle with what to do with certain "things". Hubby's Dad died when Hubby was 19, so he could talk from the place of experience. I pass his words along to you in hopes it will help you.

His "things" are not him. Holding on to tangible property is not holding on to him. Tangible property is simply stuff to be dealt with. If it has sentimental value, by all means, keep it. If it has value to another person, ensure they get it. If it is something that no one wants, don't stress over it. Donate it to charity if possible. If you can't donate it to charity, throw it away.

If you're trying to sell his property, bear in mind that no matter what he/you paid for it, it is only worth as much as someone else is willing to pay for it.

But no matter what you choose to do with the tangible goods, none of those goods are Him. None of them will keep him with you longer. Keep the things that make you smile, make the other things go away.

The only caution I give is to retain all his paperwork. Most office supply stores sell cardboard bankers boxes and you can stuff it all in a box in a closet somewhere. I have 2 boxes of paperwork on my dad due to his military record and how that affects my mom's retirement income.
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Old 05-07-2016, 07:55 AM
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I just want to say, Jadah..........come here and get a hug ((((((((((((jadah)))))))))))

I hope today finds you with a smile on your face.
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Old 05-09-2016, 08:13 PM
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Yeah, it did. I talked to my neighbors yesterday evening and that always helps. They are such awesome friends.
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"One of the casualties of [prison life] is the numbness of the heart"- Man on Fire

"
There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."
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Old 05-11-2016, 10:35 PM
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Hi Jadah. Sending you love and prayers to help you continue on your path. The only major loss in my life was my mother. 22 years later and I still miss her. But I have always felt she is still with me. I still talk to her and feel her there by my side, and that gives me a great deal of comfort. I hope you can take comfort in feeling the love that exists between you and your husband. My perspective is that love is an energy and that energy can't be taken away. Before my mother died, I told her we would stay together in love, and I feel that we still are. I hope you can find your own path that gives you comfort and meaning.
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Old 05-12-2016, 04:12 AM
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Thank you so very much everybody. Today is a good day.
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"
There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."
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Old 05-13-2016, 02:51 PM
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So now you know - you'll hit a pothole now and again, but you bounce back. Good for you!
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Old 05-22-2016, 03:06 PM
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One of my husband's gifts was that he didn't seem to feel sorry for himself in a sad, inert way. Money or not, prison or freedom, he always kept moving forward.

I am not saying the path he chose when he moved forward was a series of good and healthy decisions made during times of serenity. NO INDEED! (Not looking back could also have been self protective to avoid pain and hurt but that is only conjecture and supposition on my part.) Anyway, I am just saying he MOVED. I on the other hand, tend to wallow into sadness, self pity and inertia holding on to grudges.... That is the point.

Because of this "moving forward" attitude, my husband didn't tend to look back or revisit whatever the situation- vehicles, women, living--you name it. Even his family remarked on that once we married. "He must have really loved you. He never dated the same girl twice." - My own response was "Well of course! I am all that and so much more!" lol

Anyway he said he wanted me to move forward should anything happen to him and of course I said no. But I have to consider all the implications and silent ripples of intent of those words. "Moving forward" is not discounting, forgetting, negating his existence or erasing or minimizing the significance of our own unique long time love and marriage. But instead, it is moving with the memories intact and honoring the legacy of what we created and learned.

This ramble is only to preface a recent trip to see some property we bought together. It, the trip, the property- was spectacular is every way. Not only was it a great trip, but it exposed an unexpected unrealized side effect of doing time with my husband. I found out I was worried about leaving what had become so familiar. I found out I too had become regimented in my own life too...go to work here, do these chores in this order here, work these particular days because,,, how much money is on the phone now... all the regimented points I had developed over all these years because of the ever looming "What if is is different or changed or something happens and he can't access me in some way because I am not where I am supposed to be or something bad has happened to him...What happens to those I leave behind while I am gone until when I get back?"
But I did go. I thought I would vomit the whole way there! Everything in me was screaming to get back home because I am out of my set pattern... but I kept going.
While I was there, I learned and saw a lot because all of my own skill sets automatically kicked in. Everything went like clock work and I made it back home safely and all that. But I broke free too. I saw there is still a whole big world out there and even though I have found the pearl in my oyster now, it is up to me to get out of this estuary fed mud bank in all the symbolic ways and do the polishing of all the gifts hes has given me, influenced me to develop, and pushed me to learn.

My husband never told me out loud he regretted anything or was sorry for anything. "Words are just hot air" he said. When it came to his feelings, he wasn't a "word man" He showed me. "Actions speak louder than words." Because he became the man I knew he could be, he showed me he was sorry. We brought out the best in each other, cage or no cage. It is up to me to keep showing him and that means moving forward too. He was worth and IS worth every minute.
So are these boards here. Ya'' get it it. Y'all get the throwing of the stones, the splash and the disturbance of the surface water, but more importantly, y'all ALSO get all the silent ripples. Thank you.
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There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."

Last edited by jadah; 05-22-2016 at 03:20 PM..
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Old 05-23-2016, 06:06 AM
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Quote:
"Moving forward" is not discounting, forgetting, negating his existence or erasing or minimizing the significance of our own unique long time love and marriage. But instead, it is moving with the memories intact and honoring the legacy of what we created and learned.
This is a wise observation and one that will change the way you progress through this process.

The rest of it? The need to have routines etc.? I also went through that. "Can I wear blue today?" (can't wear blue to Oregon prisons) "What bra do I have on?" "Need to make sure I have Dad's phone on me!" Yes, we often set up routines so they know when/how they can reach us. And there are all the little things - worrying if we don't get that call, trying to find out if they're in lockdown, and if they are, what happened.

You had time to get used to all that, and now you don't have to do it anymore. It's a major life adjustment - just like when he first went in and your life turned upside down.

Major life adjustments can often be uncomfortable and make you anxious/uneasy because things aren't the way they're supposed to be. And things aren't the way they were supposed to be. I'm glad you're being gentle with yourself while you work through this time.
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Old 05-23-2016, 06:31 AM
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Thank you so very much Ginger. In all the reverberations of the word.
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"One of the casualties of [prison life] is the numbness of the heart"- Man on Fire

"
There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."
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Old 05-23-2016, 06:59 AM
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Funny I'm in the same boat and I know he's never coming back but I still wait for the phone to ring, wait for a letter, think about when he's home. I know I'm still in denial and I'm angry, one day I feel good, the next I'm a wreck. I know how hard it is. Love ya !!!
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Old 05-23-2016, 06:14 PM
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and then i fall apart all over again
it was good there for a minute
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"One of the casualties of [prison life] is the numbness of the heart"- Man on Fire

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There is no question that in virtually all circumstances in which people are doing things in order to get rewards, extrinsic tangible rewards undermine intrinsic motivation." the New Scientist (12th April 2011, pp 40-43)

" Every life you touch, every fear or pain you ease, every loved ones' heart that you ease the burden from is the reason you are here."
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Old 05-23-2016, 07:44 PM
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So sorry for your loss. I lost my sister in October - she had to move to assisted living in March and her son took a lot of her things and most of her books to the goodwill without consulting her - she was so hurt. I told her - the material things are just that - when you looked at something - you had a memory that went with it - you didn't lose the memories. I lost my husband to brain cancer in 2007 - still have bad days. My brother is a lifer and at some time I will have to deal with his death while in prison. All I can say is those of us that remain here suffer the loss of our loved ones while they are in Heaven happier than they have ever been. One step at a time - one foot in front of the other - I'll keep you in my prayers!
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Old 05-24-2016, 08:12 AM
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I lost my dad in 2001, but I still remember him. Oh so fondly. But I don't grieve any more. He was ready to go, and we let him. We didn't want to hold him prisoner here (not in a prison, just in a body that no longer responded to requests for thought or movement).

My memories are strong, and they are beautiful. They comfort me. And always will.
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Old 05-24-2016, 04:52 PM
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I used to say "Some days are better than others. Today is an "other". Perhaps tomorrow will be "better". "

There is so much that gets tangled up in the grieving process when someone dies in prison. Of course you're going to have bad days. Our culture shies away from talking about death and grieving in any form, as if death was somehow perverse. But to have someone die in prison makes things much harder on the survivors as we have so few we can talk to without the prison stigma being attached to the conversation.

My father was a sex offender. He was guilty. He died of lung cancer in prison. He was still my father. I still have unresolved questions, and always will. He was a Significant Person in my life, and I can say with great sincerity that there are very few of those. And so some days, something will make me think of him - or perhaps nothing causes it and I just do think of him - and I still grieve.

You will grieve. Be kind to yourself and allow that to happen.
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