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Old 06-22-2019, 06:14 PM
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a.rare.love a.rare.love is offline
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Originally Posted by Spdivasc View Post
Hi everyone,

He was ok with this. It’s now been almost 6 months since we started talking and I haven’t sent him any money or done anything for him

Last weekend I went to buy him a postcard and sent him a letter telling him how I feel about him. He doesn’t know I didn’t tell him.

I want to show him I’m down for him but I don’t want to give him money.

His birthday is coming up and I want to put $100 on his books as a birthday gift.

But because I want to not because he asked for it.

? What should I do to find out what his motives are?

Hmmm. Interesting, and thank you for sharing this chica, hola.
Aww. It's nice you're ready to write him, and share how you're feelin' for him, etc., i think that is a very sweet thing, and hola chica.
on that note, (respectfully citing this to you tonight, as i feel this is a long post i am about to write.)
Respectfully saying that, he can be playing you in other ways, #KNOW THE SIGNS...

There are more than '1 way' a woman can be and ARE played to the bone
insofar as:
-Men in prison using a "good woman or any chick for those prison visits etc.

-Men using a woman or man from behind bars for a bunch of phone calls or
-using her to send him adult semi-nude magazines.(to hustle $ or for self.)
-Using her for "some conversation."

-Using her because he is temporarily mad/and or tryin'to get over the ex-1.

There are all sorts of ways, excluding the dinero $ in which men in prison can flagrantly use a woman who is not "looking' and not being astute enough to realize it, early on."#TAAS(there are always signs.)up to us not to ever ignore them.

Women are also used for "a listening ear." and emotional-comfort,all of the time." If one's intention however, is not good, nor healthy then it will 1 day be shown. Such motives are nefarious for many incarcerated, so be careful."

Then again, the "other ones" are great guys, who have sadly done a bad thing and now are serving years in prison. etc.al., but are truly ready to "change and do better in life, with a "real" woman, who they have always "desired" and a great life, with such woman."You deserve to really "know"his true intentions/motivest, so you're not hurt in the end, and nothing wrong or "stuck-up saying how lovely or "beautiful etc. you are! Heck, i am always told since teens how gorgeous, "very" beautiful i am." I know that deep down and i do not think you're stuck up saying it."So love yourself, enough to say it think it, know it and i say most important is beautiful on the "inside ya know."

Great to read you're wanting to send hima nice amount of dinero $$$ because you want to and not because he is "asking."I am the same way and live the same way, and i would not send it just because he ask.No. I would only if i feel like it, as i do alot of things, business wise, and i luckily live nice praise god so i am able to, (if)and when i feel like it.
Just don't follow your heart with him, please, don't do that. Follow first and foremost, your gut + your MIND, and "then your heart."
-Learn all you can about this man. He might just be the "real deal for you" or is trying to play you." I would be very skeptical however if:
  1. Dude is playin 'other chicks,yet says"Oh i'll never do that to u though baby."
  2. He has a very nice i-phone while inside hence, breaking laws while doing time,thanks to other chicks helping him.

IMO? It appear (maybe) he is wantin' you to "believe he is only into you, to reel you in, even though he has no intention on lettin' go any of the other ones who he is claimining, "he is only using them for money, gifts,lawyer" etc., al., and wanting you to believe that's "all it is." Has he offer to cut them all off, even if it mean YOU'RE not giving him cash?Has he offered at all since you met/connected with him etc.al., because to me, this makes all the difference, insofar as him maybe NOT playing you."
I would be asking mi self before going any further with this person, if again i was you, chica, i would be asking mi self:

Hmmm. Now, why hasn't he "offered to cut them all out of his world, his life, since he know you're the "one" i.e., "be my girlfriend." etc.al., don't send me cash etc.,"i mean, i would just expect him to do that,
and i know mine would in a ny minute, and even would cut his dysfunctional familia faux-loved ones off, for me,and i am just hoping you are not being set up to be hurt, and or played, or both." Some men who are mature and realize they met the "best woman" for them in life, outside and in jail, sure would be "willing to CUT OUT everyone else, period." Doesn't seem as if he is going to do this for you.Get back if you're able and just please be safe and don't give your "all" without having proof he is willing to do the same, and i m not referring to dinero(cash)$$$chica, i mean at the:

-Heart level, where you're going to be giving him your complete heart and only have 1/2 of his.

-Mental/Emotional level.

As again, there are more ways to use a person, not just by giving a jail guy cash. Many do this, and they have a great normal mature wonderful grown and respectful relationship with their inmate. etc.al.,
Hence, see how he treat you, watch all red flags, let him "prove himself by ACTION behind his words from behind those jail walls." Be very careful, watch all signs. and good luck to you. hugs your way tonight and blessings. PM me anytime! Adios.
Lead with your "mind" + not your heart.#BeSmart #ChooseRight

Life is too short to "settle."

#Strength is Power.


T.A.A.S.(there are ALWAYS signs.)Don't ignore them.

Last edited by a.rare.love; 06-22-2019 at 06:25 PM..
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Old 06-23-2019, 06:11 AM
Spdivasc Spdivasc is offline
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Before he took me off the list I sent him a video talking mess. I showed the video to a couple of my male friends and they told me they would have cut me off too. They told me my video was too much and they would just not deal with me period. I still think no matter what I said to him he should have talked to me about it before taking me off but they took his phone and he went on lockdown so he couldnít contact me. He said he panicked because itís a critical time for him right now with his release being so close and he didnít want me acting crazy and messing things up for him.
I get that part but I still donít think he handled it well and he admits he was wrong and has apologized a bunch of times for it. Time will tell.

Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
I dont like that he convinced you it was your fault. Im not sure how you guys define going crazy etc. Also he takes you off and then contacts you. This thing is so unhealthy between the phone, box time, other girls, visitation, etc. I wish you luck.
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Old 06-23-2019, 06:31 AM
Spdivasc Spdivasc is offline
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Some of these women know what is going on. I have seen posts on Facebook where they argue with one another over him. Some women just donít care. I have seen this in the past. They want a man so bad they will do whatever it takes to have him. Honestly, I care about him but I would not pay for his lawyer or do any of that because I donít know him well for me to do all that.
I donít understand why these women do this. He doesnít even let them visit often. Only like once a month. If Iím paying for your lawyer Iím going to every visit every weekend period and if you tell me no I canít come hmm thatís just not going to fly.

Heís trying to get out of prison so getting his lawyer bills paid are his priority and I kinda get it. I have never been locked up but Iím sure itís not the best situation. He tells me you have to be on survival mode and thatís what heís doing. Not everyone grew up in a good loving family or good environment. He had a messed up life so some of his ways are all messed up. His family doesnít even help him. Iím not ok with what he does but put in that situation who knows what everyone else would do. I told him he needs to change his ways if he wants to be with me.

I know heís messed up and not the pick of the litter but I believe in him and I think he can change for the better. But again he might not change. Time will tell.

Originally Posted by keywii View Post
When you shared your story with this forum. Members of the forum men or women. Was going to give their 2 cents to it (advice/their opinion). If the advice/opinions doesn't help you..it's here to help someone else that's facing a situation as this, or gives them the heads up on what the red flags are/etc. A lot of us on here either been in your shoes, something close to it (incarcerated or not) or know someone that has been in those shoes before or in them now. When advice/opinions is given it's going to be given without being sugar coated. Sometimes you might not like what type of advice (opinions) that you'll receive. But if you don't like it..take what you like and leave the rest! Not everyone that's giving advice/their own opinions is being negative towards you. Everyone has an opinion/want to give advice and you have yours. Anyone that has given you advice/their opinion is just sharing with you/etc. At the end..all you can do is take what you like and leave the rest!

He's making "bad choices" right now! By manipulating women to get what he wants from them. He's using manipulation, his charm and looks to get what he wants from these women. That's what womanizers do!! Regardless, how one looks at it that's bad...if he wants to really/completely change. Then he needs to stop using women to get by while he's still incarcerated (which it looks like he isn't going to do or making any plans of doing). If he's able to do it on the inside...he's able to do the same on the outside. He's not going to stop using these women until he's released! But who knows what he's really going to stop doing or continue to do afterwards.

If he cares about you, love you or say he's in love with you. Then he wouldn't of removed you off his visitation/contact list at all. Just because you got mad and went off! That still isn't no real reason of removing someone from their visitation/contact list and ignoring them. To me by doing all of that he wanted to show you. That you're not going to come at him in that way and he wanted to teach you a lesson. To let you know that your the reason why he removed you and ignored you. I don't know how you can even justify his actions...it's no way that can be justifiable at all. If he loves you, cares about you and say's he's in love with you. He would of just gave you a day or two to calm down. After a day or two get in contact with you and try to work things out with you, not take it to another level as he did. If he's able to do that while incarcerated..I can only imagine how he'll do things/be when he's out.

If these women we're all aware of what he was really doing to them. I'm sure none of them would continue to send him money, packages or pay for his lawyer (even if he tells them he's talking to other women...he's not being honest with any of them about his many contacts with other women. He's given a different story to make it be oh ok with each woman.). His manipulation towards each woman he's using is the same..but he knows how to manipulate each in his own little way to keep them doing things for him. He's saying all sorts of things to these women and the same stuff he's saying to you is being said to them. The only thing is he isn't getting anything out of you...like he's getting out of these women. What he's doing will come back to him sooner or later...or perhaps sooner. Karma isn't going to miss him and unfortunately...you'll be right in the middle of his karma. These women doesn't see what he's doing to them and you do...the only reason why you do because he told you..it's a difference! He didn't give these women the truth on his true intentions and motivates or his real agenda on what he's doing to each of them/why. He told it to you..so you are aware of what he's doing to them and why he's doing what he's doing to them. I feel bad for any woman that has to go through this because it's not okay at all for a man to use women. Regardless to why or what he's using that woman for..it's not okay to do it! Or why would a person want to be with someone that does things like that to women in general (to each their own).

If my man would of came out and told me he's using women to get what he needs while being incarcerated. I don't care how much he cares about me, love me or is in love with me. I don't care what he's telling me...because up to this point I'll be questioning everything he has told me after letting me know what he's doing to other women. I'm not going to accept it and stick around while he uses other women. Just because he isn't using me in that way...I'm sure he's using me in another way (it's all sorts of ways to use someone). I don't care how much I love him, care about him or in love with him. If he can do that to other women...he can do it to me! I'll never be the one to stick around while he's incarcerated or even when he's released. He wouldn't have to be worrying about me and nothing he says would change my mind. I'll take my lesson and move right on with my life. Karma can have him by his damn self...karma isn't going to come after me too. That's just me. I been in the shoes of being used/hurt/etc (not with anyone that's incarcerated). I know of people that has been in those shoes with someone that's incarcerated or not. Just as well going through it or being okay with it. At the end I just know I couldn't be with someone that uses/hurt/etc towards other women.

If this what you want..that's on you! Can't nobody change your mind on any of this and as it looks your mind is set on what you still going to do. I wish you nothing but the best with your entire situation and good luck!!! Once again take what you like..and leave the rest!
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Old 06-23-2019, 08:19 AM
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You will come to regret all of this in so many ways.
Trust me walk away now, youíre in for hell once he gets out.
Iím not being judgmental- I just went through this with a womanizer who was released.
He made my life, and the life of other women living hell once he got out.
A year later, Iím only now finding out the whole truth of what happened this last year.
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Old 06-23-2019, 12:14 PM
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Survival mode doesn't mean use women to pay for your lawyer to get you out of a situation. A situation he put himself into in the first place!! That's not even surviving that's using and taking advantage. He's using other women and he's fine with it...he's taking full advantage of what he can do with these women. Even if he didn't grow up good with a loving family or wasn't around a really good environment. It still doesn't mean you take advantage of women and use them. What he has been through has nothing to do with how he mistreat women and how he uses them. The man is a womanizer! And he just didn't wake up one day and decided to manipulate women...he been doing this way before being incarcerated and carried that right with him to get his way with women while incarcerated. It's a lot of people that's locked up that doesn't have family to help them. But you don't see most of them doing what he's doing. 99.9 aren't doing what he's doing..it's that 1 big % that's doing what he's doing. Which will catch up with him sooner or later. It doesn't matter if he changes or not. At the end KARMA is going to still be coming for him and it's no changing that at all. What's done is done. If these women are arguing over him. It all goes back to what he told each of these women for them to argue over him! The manipulation of a womanizer.

What he's doing shouldn't have no excuse attached to it! Prison or jail might not be comfortable hotels and paradise beaches. But it still doesn't make it right to take advantage of anyone to live comfortable or have someone pay for your lawyer to get you out. I don't know the inside of a prison or jail looks like on the other side. But if I ever was in the shoes of another inmate. I'm not going to go using people and taking advantage of someone just to live comfortable or have someone to pay my lawyer to get me out. Survival mode is to keep your mouth shut, do your time, don't get yourself involved with the wrong people. Find something productive to do with your time like reading, getting into classes, working, working out and finding ways to improve your life for the better. Do the right things so you don't get into trouble or add more time onto your sentence/etc. That's survival mode. Survival mode is not taking advantage of other people. He has to live and deal with all he has done. What he's doing to those women going to bite him hard. Sadly you'll be caught right up in it. If you see how these women are towards each other on facebook imagine what it's going to be like when he's out. You can't escape the problems you caused yourself. He has bigger problems to face!

You say your not fine with what he's doing. But you still try to find a way to justify why he's doing it and that can't be justifiable. Wrong is wrong no matter how you look at it.

What I tell anyone I give advice to and it seems like it's not making sense to them right now. I'll tell you the same thing as well. Sometimes receiving advice is never enough and no matter how much advice that's given to you. It would take YOU first to understand and to realize things. Before all the advice that's given to you make more sense. So you'll have to go through experiences that nobody would like to see you face. But you'll have to go through them to understand why nobody wanted you to face these experiences. Once that happens all this advice going to make sense to you if it never did before. All I can say is I wish you the best of luck again. But don't expect a fairytale ending or a happy ever after. Because you can't change him and he can only change himself. So don't ever think this man will change for you or wait around for that change to happen. He has to do the changing and when he's ready he'll do it. If you want to stay and see how things turn out that's on you.
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Old 06-23-2019, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Spdivasc View Post
Some of these women know what is going on. I have seen posts on Facebook where they argue with one another over him. Some women just donít care. I have seen this in the past. They want a man so bad they will do whatever it takes to have him. Honestly, I care about him but I would not pay for his lawyer or do any of that because I donít know him well for me to do all that.
I donít understand why these women do this. He doesnít even let them visit often. Only like once a month. If Iím paying for your lawyer Iím going to every visit every weekend period and if you tell me no I canít come hmm thatís just not going to fly.
Curiosity is getting the better of me. What is he, a cross between Brad Pitt and Adonis on steroids? It's sad and pathetic that women do this to each other, no matter if he's a Pitt-Adonis hybrid.

And what's in it for you? That you won the contest? Because that's what it sounds like. I get that this is a support site for family and friends and LO's of those involved in the criminal justice system, but I've lost track of what you are asking or needing from this community. Can you clarify?
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Old 06-23-2019, 09:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Spdivasc View Post
Heís trying to get out of prison so getting his lawyer bills paid are his priority and I kinda get it. I have never been locked up but Iím sure itís not the best situation. He tells me you have to be on survival mode and thatís what heís doing. Not everyone grew up in a good loving family or good environment. He had a messed up life so some of his ways are all messed up.
Nah. Those are straight up excuses and you're letting him use them. Prison is the perfect time to get your #*%& together and make different choices. You're being played, as well, and like those women, you see it but you're willing to roll with it on some level which means you're getting something, too. I can't fathom what it is and I don't understand why grown people need to play these games. But to each his own.
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Old 06-24-2019, 09:10 AM
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Did something change to where now he’s coming home sooner? I thought it was a long time so you both had time. You say you love him but not ready to pay for his lawyer and things due to not knowing him enough so I’m so confused and maybe you are too. This is all new to you. I think you should take a step back. Making a video threatening him seems a bit off. We are too grown for this emotions are getting in the way. Remember hurt people do hurtful things.
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Old 07-02-2019, 08:20 AM
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Time and behavior are the only indicators you can go off of. His behavior shows you EVERYTHING. Unfortunately love can be blind, but only if you choose it to be so. So, now he's asking if you are down? And let me guess, you need to prove that somehow? Being together and time should prove that. We take care of each other as couples. If he is already using other women you will only be added to that laundry list. You know he uses them for money but then want to give him money for his birthday and question if he's using you. I think when people question this and they have the facts, they already know the answer they just need validation for other's that this is in fact the truth. We all have different truths and see what we want. What I see is someone who is using others. People who do that are not in a healthy space to offer unconditional love. I mean, I get it, in some form or another we all sort of use each other. Friends, lovers, but typically friendship or even love is a compromise. So if you are thinking about this relationship and the compromise you would have to make it would look like this: Are you willing to share a man with other women? Are you willing to put in more than you will get? Are you willing to spend countless nights without your lover knowing that he is writing and talking to other's telling them the same thing, while you are faithful to only him? I just think it's best to look at reality and ask yourself are you truly prepared to handle what is to come? If not, what would a friendship look like with this individual? I think remaining friends with this individual will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know.

So, be honest with yourself. Ask yourself honestly what kind of man you want in your life. Is it someone who is willing to use other's? Someone you can build trust with? Take your time. It's ok to be patient and watch someone's behavior if you are unsure.

After reading some of your other responses to posters, I am concerned. You have seen that they are fighting on face book for this guy! Is this really worth it? I mean honestly when you sit down with yourself at night, do you not reflect on all the knowledge you have. So, one of the biggest issues with individuals who behave and act like this is the fact that they are honest about their behavior. So, because they are honest about their behavior they expect you to deal with it. Change comes with behavior. This is not a person changing. This is not a person taking accountability they are manipulating and taking advantage of others. You have the choice to put up boundaries. That's how you can really see a person's true colors. He blocked you because you sent a video and he stated that he didn't want YOU to mess up anything with him. How about you are now starting to act as he is behaving. Yes you showed the video to other men and they said they would have stopped talking to you..what does that even matter. You keep justifying and rationalizing his behavior with your responses. Please do not take this the wrong way. Girl. Get your head on. This guy is a soap opera and you are starring as one of the lead characters. That's what it sounds like. Back away and think if a friend told you all of this what advice would you give them? Would you brush off their constant emotional rollercoaster state acknowledging that they must be difficult to deal with so using other women would be acceptable? WHAT! Just please. At first you sounded rational. Reading over some of these other posts....it sounds like a rollercoaster. Step off the ride. ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE. I am sending good energy your way for clarity and the hope to get the sense to RUN!!!!
ďIf the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.Ē ~William Blake

Last edited by Cutepixie; 07-02-2019 at 08:42 AM.. Reason: addition to post after reading another post
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Old 07-02-2019, 11:43 AM
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Let me be honest about this thread here. The OP posted the situation and asked for advice. She got plenty of it. As far as I can see, she has asked questions and gotten answers. She admits she knows the situation and is dealing with in her own way.

I don't know why y'all keep responding and saying the same things over and over. She knows what time of day it is, and she is going to do what she is going to do no matter what anybody here says.

Personally, I think she is setting herself up for a bad situation, BUT, it's not like she hasn't gotten plenty of advice here. It appears to be one of those situations where everybody talks until they are blue in the face, and the advice seeker goes on and does what they want anyway. So, why not lets things be as they're going to be?
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