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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 07-17-2019, 07:42 PM
LNS709 LNS709 is offline
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Default Having a hard time dealing/coping with his LWOP

Hi all, so I'm kind of new here (mostly just lurking) and I have a man who is LWOP. I'm having a hard time dealing/coping with it & want to know HOW to get through this?

It was his idea for me to come and seek out advice/support from people here. The only thing I'm wondering is how do you deal with the fact that your loved one will never be free again? As mentioned I'm having a hard time with it. This part of the forum doesn't seem very active but if anyone can give me advice, it is much appreciated.
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Old 07-18-2019, 12:44 AM
Itshardtowait Itshardtowait is offline
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Hi, I’m sure this is very difficult for you, are you married to this man? Have you known him along time? Most importantly ask yourself is this something you are capable of doing? Living alone the rest of your life, depending on letters and calls, visits? Do you want this for the rest of your life? You need to decide for yourself. I really wish you the very best of luck. You will make the right decision for you.
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Old 07-18-2019, 02:47 AM
Cleopatra95 Cleopatra95 is offline
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I don’t have a man who’s got LWOP, but I do have a pen pal in Colorado who’s serving LWOP and obviously my situation is nothing compared to yours, but even being his pen pal is hard. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. How long have you guys been together and did you meet before or after his incarceration? I hope you find the strength within in you make the right choices. This is a hard road to walk!
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Old 07-18-2019, 03:29 AM
moss93 moss93 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LNS709 View Post
Hi all, so I'm kind of new here (mostly just lurking) and I have a man who is LWOP. I'm having a hard time dealing/coping with it & want to know HOW to get through this?

It was his idea for me to come and seek out advice/support from people here. The only thing I'm wondering is how do you deal with the fact that your loved one will never be free again? As mentioned I'm having a hard time with it. This part of the forum doesn't seem very active but if anyone can give me advice, it is much appreciated.
Iím going to be in federal custody tomorrow To start down the path of serving at least 204 months and as much as 246 months... 17 to 21 years. As you can imagine I am completely overwhelmed because I have never even been to jail. Itís much is I would like to have female companionship through penpal I had so much time to serve that I canít be in a relationship where I can give the emotional support a relationship requires
From my perspective you have to decide if you can still have all your needs for filled and if not you have to decide what he can do for you. If he truly love you he would let you go without guilt
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Old 07-18-2019, 03:48 AM
Cleopatra95 Cleopatra95 is offline
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Originally Posted by moss93 View Post
Iím going to be in federal custody tomorrow To start down the path of serving at least 204 months and as much as 246 months... 17 to 21 years. As you can imagine I am completely overwhelmed because I have never even been to jail. Itís much is I would like to have female companionship through penpal I had so much time to serve that I canít be in a relationship where I can give the emotional support a relationship requires
From my perspective you have to decide if you can still have all your needs for filled and if not you have to decide what he can do for you. If he truly love you he would let you go without guilt
Damn, I donít know what to say to that, but I wish you the best. I hope you do find yourself a great pen pal/s! Iíve really loved having pen pals on the inside and thereís lots of groups and websites dedicated to finding pen pals, so Iím sure youíre bound to find someone to write hopefully! Good luck x
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Old 07-18-2019, 03:54 AM
moss93 moss93 is offline
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Damn, I donít know what to say to that, but I wish you the best. I hope you do find yourself a great pen pal/s! Iíve really loved having pen pals on the inside and thereís lots of groups and websites dedicated to finding pen pals, so Iím sure youíre bound to find someone to write hopefully! Good luck x
Thank you I appreciate your kind thoughts. I know that doesnít help you in your relationship with somebody you love. While I am not serving LWOP obviously I can relate with your loved one being incarcerated to a long prison sentence
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Old 07-18-2019, 11:13 AM
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My friend is serving LWOP +10. He has been down for around 20 years.

A relationship is what you want it to be, even if the location is not all that ideal.

The truth of the matter is that the pattern of relationships for those serving long sentences is pretty formulaic. Crime happens, the accused loses friends. He gets convicted, he loses friends. Most of that is chaff and you don't have to let those people occupy your mind.

Once he is sentenced, people who actually support him start dropping off. Young women who want kids drop off or redefine their relationship with the inmate to just friends. Family and close friends drop off because life inside is so disparate from life outside that it just difficult. Some come back, and some never do.

Usually the last visits a guy gets are from his mother until she eventually dies. After that, it can be decades before another visit.

Everybody involved with a person serving LWOP needs to define their relationship - letters, calls, visits, expectations, what he wants to talk about, what he doesn't want to talk about, what you need from him and what you don't need from him. You can and should redefine your relationship periodically because things change.

While LWOP is daunting, it does not have to be the end of everything. He can start now working on his long term game plan to make clemency a real possibility. You can work with advocacy groups. https://www.sentencingproject.org/ne...-imprisonment/

There is no right or wrong way to deal with LWOP, or the actions that resulted in LWOP. At least with Shane we have never had to go down the route of innocence. While it took a long time before he could face his crime, he never said he was innocent. With Shane, his mother died about a decade ago. He has not had a visit since. We write once in a while, but that is about it. Part of it is because I am more than 1000 miles away. Part of it is because he is the son of a friend - ask yourself how you would write a parent's friend, then compound the problem with that person knowing the worst thing you have ever done, and that as a result, you have disappointed that parent's friend. But, hey, it is what it is.

You are at the front end of all of this. You are still dealing with the emotional impact of court and the criminal acts that led to LWOP. You are also dealing with the death of your expectations about a future with your LO. Any fantasy you had about growing old with the guy, having kids, arguing about leaving the toilet seat up - that is all gone and that is a hard one to deal with. This doesn't end your relationship - it just redefines it. Process your emotions. Mourn your desire for a white picket fence future. Talk about what you both want. Be creative about your relationship.

I will say that if you want out, it is best to do it soon. The worst thing that can happen to a LWOP prisoner is to believe he has somebody in his corner, a person who has been expressing a desire to be deeply involved forever and have that person just go away without warning. Best to be up front about it. If kids are a priority, best to be upfront about that - that he will be involved with somebody who will eventually find a man to father her children. Relationships can survive that if you are upfront and honest with each other about it.

Talk. Be flexible. Mourn.
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Old 07-18-2019, 02:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moss93 View Post
Iím going to be in federal custody tomorrow To start down the path of serving at least 204 months and as much as 246 months... 17 to 21 years. As you can imagine I am completely overwhelmed because I have never even been to jail. Itís much is I would like to have female companionship through penpal I had so much time to serve that I canít be in a relationship where I can give the emotional support a relationship requires
From my perspective you have to decide if you can still have all your needs for filled and if not you have to decide what he can do for you. If he truly love you he would let you go without guilt
Sorry you're going through this. If it helps, one of my penpals is a lifer and he gives me more emotional support than anyone I've ever known.
Please do reconsider having a penpal or friend to write to - and all the best with your sentence.
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