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Death Row & Capital Punishment Discussions Discussions relating to inmates on Death Row / facing capital punishment in the United States and abroad that don't fit into any of the other forums

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  #1  
Old 09-06-2005, 01:46 PM
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Default Do you talk about your loved one on death row at work/school

I would wish to talk about my incarcerated loved one as normal as the situation has become to me, and don't want to deny him. On the other side I know I cannot expect people who never had anything to do with prison to understand and not to react weird. How do you handle such situations? Such as if you had to write a paper on the death penalty at school, would you keep it strictly matter-of-factly, or include your personal connection to it?
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Old 09-06-2005, 05:26 PM
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i would probably write it matter of factly but i suspect my personal passion would edge its way into my words. i cannot be neutral about this issue, it is too close to my heart. i don't talk at all about my personal life, not just my man but any part of it but there are times i want to tell the world of my happiness and the few times i have tried to share my feelings with people close to me, i have met such a wall of disbelief and probing questions and negativity that i have ceased to try.
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Old 09-07-2005, 07:34 PM
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I do talk about my loved one often and repeatedly. I have been asked where he is and point blank tell them he is sitting on D.R. I do get serious looks and questions especially since i am in law enforcement. My best answer is to look them dead in the eye and let them know that our hearts lead us to those we love.

It is sad that in my husband's case they all believe he is overseas serving in the military, since he was convicted of a sex offense. But the other man in my love whom I love dearly sits on D.R for killing several people and I find it easier to talk about that.

Part of that problem is being in law enforcment I could lose my job for being married to an S.O. who was wrongly convicted. My supervisor knows and is the one who informed me to keep it quiet. He is also the one who askes me daily how my "other husband on DR is" I have yet to figure out how people, my husband included have come to the conclusion that I have two husbands, but hey whatever works.

As for doing a paper on the death penalty. I have had to do that as well and do believe my emotions got the best of me in the paper, but I spelled things out as it is and gave facts on why it should be abolished.
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Old 09-07-2005, 09:23 PM
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i talk about my husband, but i dont let it be known where he is or his circumstances. its not hardly cuz im ashamed of him cuz im not, but we all know that people are very judgemental, especally when they cant identify with a situation and society has taught them that it is "all bad." i dont want to be judged unfairly just because i love him. people are just cruel!
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Old 09-07-2005, 09:31 PM
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i agree with Regis wholeheartedly. i work for a company who would probably make me resign or if not, would take serious issue with my involvement with a man on death row. i work as a manager for a gaming company and their first priority is protecting their gaming license and my association with a felon would not be tolerated. so i just don't go there, i don't deny him, i would rather be fired than deny the man i love, i just don't talk about him at work. a few professional acquaintances know about us but that is as far as it goes.
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Old 09-18-2005, 02:28 AM
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My husband wasn't on DR, however, he was in prison and I did talk about our marriage and about our visits, etc.

With me being open about it, I found others at work who had loved ones in prison, spouses/children/parents.

Suzanne

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Old 10-19-2005, 01:56 PM
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I talk about my guy on death row all the time, even put a bit about him in a paper I had to write about communications. I have a few supportive friends (to my face at least) but had one friend, who I thought was a good friend tell me that I had a mental disorder for loving a DR inmate. I've had another friend become actually angry with the news. Guess you just can't win. I will forever talk about my guy, and I will try not to care what people think. Sometimes it's hard not to care though...wish people weren't so judgmental.
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Old 10-19-2005, 02:11 PM
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Yes I talk about my husband where ever I go.. and usually if anyone has anything to say they wont say it to me...and I am not ashamed of him or his situation. I love to love him and everyone knows that....But true, some people can be judgemental...those people I overlook b/c I have always been one to not care what anyone thinks. ..but that is just me..
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Old 10-20-2005, 02:23 AM
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It's a difficult situation. I have always been advised by friends (in similar situations) not to mention him or death row ever! And I thought, people at work/friends know me for who I am, so surely they can't say "Oooh, she must be crazy..." Wrong. I am very open minded, honest and open - and that is my biggest downfall. I live in England and when the media found out about me and my man, things went nuts. The most horrible and vile articles were published, calling me "deluded, mentally ill, breathtakingly naive" and my man "a ruthless killer, brutal and manipulating"... Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to anyone, but I am NOT ashamed of my man or my love for him. I used to have his picture on my desk at work, his cards pinned up on my pinboard ... Then, in May this year I was made redundant.

The one thing I always add, when people ask me "How can you do this", "Don't you think of the victim's family", "He is a killer".... is that I believe in Human Rights and am a strong opponent of the Death Penalty. People still don't understand but it gives them a background on how I got into what I am doing.

I know of many women who have penpals/fiancees/husbands on the row and are to scared to tell anyone (even family) because they don't want to be generalised or stigmatised. It's a sad situation.

When I talk about my man, it's as though he is actually with me at that moment. I will always talk about him - he is the man I love and therefore part of my life. To me, it's a no brainer...

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Old 10-20-2005, 04:05 AM
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I have a husband on DR in California. I tell people he is away at camp they ask me over and over again when he is coming back from camp. I don't have the nerve to tell anyone where he really is, someone help me please.
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Old 10-20-2005, 07:46 AM
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I don't ever hide anyone I love and to be honest I never care what other people think about me. My family knows, my workplace knows, my friends now and everyone who dislikes me knows too . What I found though was that even though there are some people who don't agree or think I am silly, are the once who respect me most for my openess and honesty. I get ask lots and lots of questions, I allways answer each and everyone of them and I educate people about things like that, because here in Europe or Germany people think they may be one execution every couple of years. Facts are not let out and we hardly ever hear about an execution. I had to fill in a new vetting form because of this, but I have been cleared no problem. My friends started to write to my loverboy to get to know him, cause they said if he was free they would know him too. My family is still a bit under shock and they keep on asking "silly" questions but they are slowly coming to terms with it. It's very hard on my father cause he is a prison warden and he does a lot of sweating over this, but I know if I give him a few more months he will get over the shock. To hide something or lie about it is just not my style and I find it difficult, much more difficult to simply answer questions and let everyone make their own mind up. The once who think they have to treat me different because of this, I just leave behind. I have no time for such a drama. It's their choice.
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Old 10-28-2005, 11:19 PM
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I used to mention he was in prison, but about a month ago, I got talking about the death penalty, at a BBQ. This lady told me to get the F out of her house, and I was a drama queen. I was devastated to say the least. I talked to my mother about it after visits, and she was like, "Kyla, it would be like the movie dead man walking".

Now, what do I think. Well I am the person I am. I am not going to change the way that I am, and not going to change the way I feel about him. I am not ashamed of him at all, I have had many friends on death row. Now... I am just going to be selective with the people that I discuss it with, because he is someone that I care about, and yes, when people talk down about the ones we love, we get hurt, and automatically ou r defense mechanisms go up. I have some friends that are for the death penalty, but they also respect the way that I feel, and make it clear that they are their for me, and my decisions. You know, I KNOW if he was here with me, doing the daily things, and these people met him, they would love him, laugh with him, hang out with him, cause his a great person. Its getting past the "they are on death row" barrier that is the hardest thing to do, when someones mind is made up.
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Old 10-30-2005, 06:44 PM
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I talked alot about my guy when he was just my penpal. Now that it's developed into a commited loving relationship, I have a harder time talking about it. None of my close friends know its developed into this, my family doesnt know a thing. This has to change. I refuse to deny him, but it's so hard, with all the judgments. I showed a photo of my man to a friend of mine. She said 'he looks shady', I asked why she thought that, and she said, 'he's on death row, he's a bad guy'. I was just sick about it. She doesnt know his heart, or the circumstances of his situation, and honestly, she doesnt care. She made up her mind a long time ago. Theres no winning with some people. I love my guy with all my heart. I just can't continue to deny him.
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Old 10-31-2005, 12:38 PM
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I can't share anything about my friend on d/r with anyone. My family would have a heartattack and Im sure tell my ex. I work in a facility that deals with inmates so... I have not told a soul about my feelings. To be honest not even my pal knows. I keep thinking this is just like a school girl crush because thats the way I feel but the feelings just keep getting stronger and stronger. I swear I wish I could just shout it from the mountain tops... Life just isn't fair
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:13 AM
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I can completely understand why women involved with a man on the "inside"(particularly one who is on "death row") would be reluctant to share that aspect of her life with other's, not knowing how they will react. Let's face it. Most people are NOT open-minded enough to be able to look past the crime and the fact that he is incarcerated, and get to know him as a person, rather than a number or a statistic. We have ALL made mistakes, yet people seem to feel that they have a right to pass judgment on other's.

My man is not on "death row" but he IS serving life with the possibility of parole, for a violent offence. There were extenuating circumstances, but most people don't seem interested in that! They judge him BEFORE they even have all of the facts, which absolutely infuriates me. Yes, he did take a life. And yes, it was wrong. HOWEVER, this person inflicted YEARS of unspeakable and cruel physical, psychological and emotional abuse on him! Where the HELL were these self-rightous zealots, who are so quick to condemn him, when he was a small, helpless child? He was beaten so bad, he had to be hospitalized on more than one occassion! Where the F--- was everybody then?

It is so frustrating because I KNOW that beneath that tough exterior, lies a beautiful heart! But most people will NEVER discover it, because they refuse to give him a fair chance.

To answer the question, all of those who are closest to me know about my relationship. However, I am VERY selective when it comes to whom I choose to divulge this information to. I love Steven with all of my heart, and I am proud of the man that he is, and the special bond that we share.

However, I know firsthand just how cruel some people can be, and I am VERY protective of him. I just want to claw someone's eyes out, if they say something even remotely unkind about him! And it just leads to hurt feelings, and futile arguments. It's hard, because it is human nature to want to share your life with others. I want to tell the whole world about this wonderful man, that I want to spend the rest of my life with! It's unfair, but no one ever sad life was fair right?

What can you do? Unfortunately no matter how hard you try, some people will just NEVER understand nor accept your relationship. They are afraid of what is different, and anything that exists outside of their comfort zone, frightens them. I find that most people do not have much compassion for inmates, OR the women who love them! I hear that tired, old argument "what about the victims"? over and over again! Sometimes I just wanna scream! People just don't understand that befriending or falling in love with an inmate, does NOT imply that you condone their behavior, or that you don't feel for their victim as well.

I am fortunate enough to have a close circle of friends, who have been understanding and supportive for the most part. However, sometimes even those that I THINK understand, slip and make some thoughtless, insensitive remark, and it REALLY hurts!

Like for instance, a friend of mine made a comment the other day that REALLY stung, even though I know it was unintentional. She said that her husband "didn't even want my boyfriend to know what city she lived in" and confided that he was ADAMANTLY oppossed to her accompanying me to visit my man for the first time at the end of this month.

She is still going of course(which I appreciate) but I was pissed because her husband doesn't even KNOW Steven, and yet he feels that he is in a position to judge him? My Steven would NEVER do anything to harm me or someone that I loved! That is just absurd! And then I made the mistake of telling my mom what happened, and how much it hurt me, and instead of sympathizing with me she said "well you can't really blame him right? I mean, I wouldn't want a CRIMINAL knowing where I live". Sigh. It hurts, because I don't see him the same way that other's do.

I used to have a friend on "death row" that I cared for very much, and whenever I would hear comments like "that guy deserves to fry" or "I would gladly flip the switch" I would cringe, and think about how I would feel if he were to be put to death. It used to make me feel violently ill. I couldn't believe just how hateful some people could be. And then I would wonder how his loved ones must feel, having to listen to that crap! People just don't think before they speak sometimes. The irony of it all, is that those remarks often came out of the mouths of church going so-called "Christians". What a joke!

I HATE the death penalty! I just hate it! I loathe the thought of a human being being murdered in such a methodical, cold-blooded manner. I can't help but think of what their last moments on earth must be like, what must be going through their heads? How scared they must be? Whether or not they suffer? And what must be going through the heads of those that love them? What is the point? It doesn't change what happened! All it does is traumatize and hurt MORE innocent people. And what about the people who carry out these "executions"? You have to wonder what kind of person could kill time and time again, and not feel an ounce of remorse! Anyway, don't even get me going on that subject, or we will be here forever!

I don't know if I would have the guts to get up in front of a classroom full of people, and share such an intimate part of my life with a bunch of strangers, not knowing how they would react. I don't know that I would feel comfortable with being that vulnerable, and opening myself up to ridicule. On the other hand, if you could reach just ONE person, and open their minds and their hearts, wouldn't it be worth it?

When debating the death penalty, most people NEVER think about the inmate's loved ones, and the anguish and pain it causes them! Many of these men have girlfriends/wives, siblings, children, parents. What about them? Perhaps sharing your unique perspective would make them stop and think about it for the first time from a different point of view.

No doubt it would take a great deal of courage on your part though, and you most likely would have to put up with a few negative remarks and insults. Sad but true. Some people just don't seem to understand the word compassion, let alone know how to put it into practice in their every day lives. Hence the reason that the world is in the sad state it is now.

It is ironic that we are critisized for doing the right thing! Showing a fellow human being love and kindness. Isn't that what we are SUPOSSED to do? Wouldn't the world be a much nicer place, if we could ALL find it in our hearts to reach out to another?

I just want to say that I think that the women who are involved with men on the "row" are incredibly strong and compassionate human beings, and I hope that your loved one's life will be spared. It is my hope that one day, the death penalty will cease to exist! It makes me want to cry every time I think about all of the forgotten men and women, awaiting their cruel and untimely deaths at the hands of a blood thirsty state!

Lisa
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Old 04-27-2007, 03:00 AM
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i talk about my death row guys all the time, i knpow its a bit different from being romantically invloved but i love them anyway i have their pictures up around my house, and my friends ask alot of questions but as i now know its only because they knew nothing about death row, and as its a subject close to my heart i talk about it to anyone who wants to listen.
my friends always tellme noew keep doing what you are doing girl, so i really dont care about the negative people at hard and ignoring them gets easier each time you meet people like that
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Old 04-27-2007, 07:25 PM
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To start with I didn't want anyone to know, so for over a year or so only my b-friend who introduced me to my man knew. But now my sister knows about him and how we feel about each other. That alone was just a huge relief!! Knowing that someone in my family knew. She loves him to death and talks to him regularly. But this issue is becoming more of an issue for me since we plan to get married. Deciding on things like changing my name and telling my employer, my family.......All of that will soon be in my face, and I'm not real sure how I'm going to handle it.

I want to talk about him all the time!!!!!!!!!! So when my sister comes down to stay the weekend with me I let it all out! I know she gets sick of hearing it sometimes, but I need her for that. I am so proud of my man and how me loves me and how we love each other that I want to tell the whole world but can't for fear of the world!!!!!!
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Old 05-08-2007, 08:19 PM
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I am so surprised by how many people actually do not want to know about people in prison or on Death Row. Whenever I talk about it, even friends change the subject. Sad but true. It is a situation that people prefer to ignore. I guess that is why I get on PRISONTALK.
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Old 05-09-2007, 01:10 AM
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I discuss my friend in general terms--my friends and family know we are acquainted. There is much she has told me in confidence, and I never repeat any of that. And only a very few trusted people know how close we actually are. Why take the abuse from the ignorant folks? They'll never learn anyway.
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Old 05-09-2007, 06:27 AM
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Very well said, Dave. I don't know. It's hard. I'm very proud of him, and would love to shout it to the world that we are together and perfectly in love, and for a while I did, but the negative feedback I got from people was just OUTRAGEOUS, and when it comes down to it, I'm an adult, and I don't have to justify my relationship to anyone but myself, and we are far beyond the point of needing justification -- we just ARE. I can probably name on one hand the number of people that I have explained the situation to who truly GET it, and of those people, I haven't "changed" anyone -- they were just understanding people to begin with. So, I'll tell those who ask, and not tell those who probably wouldn't care to know anyway, and be satisfied that *I* am happy with him and that's all that matters.
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Old 08-13-2007, 08:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xenia_Marquard
It's a difficult situation. I have always been advised by friends (in similar situations) not to mention him or death row ever! And I thought, people at work/friends know me for who I am, so surely they can't say "Oooh, she must be crazy..." Wrong. I am very open minded, honest and open - and that is my biggest downfall. I live in England and when the media found out about me and my man, things went nuts. The most horrible and vile articles were published, calling me "deluded, mentally ill, breathtakingly naive" and my man "a ruthless killer, brutal and manipulating"... Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to anyone, but I am NOT ashamed of my man or my love for him. I used to have his picture on my desk at work, his cards pinned up on my pinboard ... Then, in May this year I was made redundant.

The one thing I always add, when people ask me "How can you do this", "Don't you think of the victim's family", "He is a killer".... is that I believe in Human Rights and am a strong opponent of the Death Penalty. People still don't understand but it gives them a background on how I got into what I am doing.

I know of many women who have penpals/fiancees/husbands on the row and are to scared to tell anyone (even family) because they don't want to be generalised or stigmatised. It's a sad situation.

When I talk about my man, it's as though he is actually with me at that moment. I will always talk about him - he is the man I love and therefore part of my life. To me, it's a no brainer...

Hope, Love and Faith - Xenia
Xenia-giving much respect to you~! Your husband is lucky to have a women like you!
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Old 08-13-2007, 08:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liberaldog
I talked alot about my guy when he was just my penpal. Now that it's developed into a commited loving relationship, I have a harder time talking about it. None of my close friends know its developed into this, my family doesnt know a thing. This has to change. I refuse to deny him, but it's so hard, with all the judgments. I showed a photo of my man to a friend of mine. She said 'he looks shady', I asked why she thought that, and she said, 'he's on death row, he's a bad guy'. I was just sick about it. She doesnt know his heart, or the circumstances of his situation, and honestly, she doesnt care. She made up her mind a long time ago. Theres no winning with some people. I love my guy with all my heart. I just can't continue to deny him.
My bf isn't on death row, but my parents told me after the passing of my last bf that if I ever dated someone in jail again they wouldn't help me out anymore-so I know where your coming from. It's kinda hard to say that keeping it a secret is the right thing to do, because its def not right to your bf, but sometimes you have to do whats right for you and that might be keeping it a secret. One day you will be ready to tell everyone and it's not bad that your not sharing it with everyone now. What matters is that your there for him. Does he ask you if your family knows? If he does be truthful. I feel that most guys in his situation would understand why your not sharing it with everyone. Best of luck.
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Old 08-13-2007, 08:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mauigirl
I am so surprised by how many people actually do not want to know about people in prison or on Death Row. Whenever I talk about it, even friends change the subject. Sad but true. It is a situation that people prefer to ignore. I guess that is why I get on PRISONTALK.
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Old 08-14-2007, 02:40 AM
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In past years I told VERY few people, due to the same reasons that are shared with you in the other posts (strange looks, whispering behind your back, fear of the consequences at work, you name the negative responses). However, I was left feeling guilty and it hurt my husband (even though he pretended to understand). I now find it easier to share with others, I'm just selective about doing so. If you pay attention to people and their general consensus on other "socially taboo" topics you can usually tell who you may be able to share this with and who you can't. Start off with bits and pieces that you feel comfortable sharing in order to feel them out. By doing so I have found the same thing "Sclcookie" said to be true...there is alot more people than you realize walking in very similar shoes.
Regarding writing a paper...most definately I would. I don't know that I would definately share where my first hand knowledge comes from, however I WOULD say that I was close to the situation. I believe it is important to share our views and knowledge with the other side of the wall...stand up and be counted and educate the world.

Last edited by Misplaced Faith; 08-14-2007 at 02:44 AM..
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Old 08-14-2007, 03:15 AM
Misplaced Faith Misplaced Faith is offline
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Originally Posted by Mauigirl
I am so surprised by how many people actually do not want to know about people in prison or on Death Row. Whenever I talk about it, even friends change the subject. Sad but true. It is a situation that people prefer to ignore. I guess that is why I get on PRISONTALK.

It is easier when people do not talk about it, to believe that they live in a JUST world where only guilty people are punished and that the punishment they recieve is well deserved. I too am on PRISONTALK to find those who share my feelings and experiences...and for some much needed advice from time-to-time. That's what will keep us strong!
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