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  #1  
Old 05-27-2009, 10:39 PM
Iam4myman Iam4myman is offline
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Default Feel Guilty that I Feel Good....

I am feeling a little guilty for what I did to my son, but I also feel some relief. My chest isn't as tight as it is a lot of time.

I know some of you will think, "How could she do that?" Well, I HUNG UP ON HIM TONIGHT AND DIDN'T TAKE THE CALL WHEN HE TRIED TO CALL BACK.

I am tired of my son thinking he is the only one stressed out. He gets to the point where he thinks the whole world revolves around him, and I am guilty of letting it revolve around him. I am tired of hearing, "Mom, I need you to do this and this and this......." He never gives a thought to what it is like to try to take care of the rest of my family and deal with all his "Mommy Do List." My family needs me and he takes up all the time in my mind, and I know it is my own fault that I let that happen, but I honestly don't know how to make it stop.

I am so angry at him right now. As a lot of you know, he is facing a new indictment. The district does not have federal public defenders so the court has to hire him an attorney. He is letting his biological father hire him an attorney and trusting him to come through. He is supposed to pay 1/2 of it right now and the other 1/2 in 90 days. His father has never done anything for him except break his promises and disappoint him. He didn't pay any child support or anything else from the time he was 13 years old. I am so afraid his father is going to pay 1/2 the fee and tell my son to get the rest from me even though my son has assured him that I don't have the money. We aren't talking small change as it is a federal case. The other 4 co-defendants have court appointed attorneys and the lawyer he is paying is actually on the court-appointed list but wasn't assigned to his case. I am tired of paying attorney fees and fines and will not do it anymore. I know my son isn't guilty this time, but we can only do what we can do. When I discussed my fears with my son, he said not to stress about it as he is stressing enough over it wondering if he is going to come through. I am so sick and tired of hearing how stressed he is. I know he is stressed!! WE ALL ARE!!

Please don't tell me that I did the wrong thing by hanging up on him. I know it doesn't sound very nice, but I really think he needed it. He had his fiance call me to tell me he was sorry. He needs a reality check once in a while to realize he isn't as smart as he thinks he is. This old gal has some sense too and is trying to learn to draw the line between being mom and being taken advantage of.
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  #2  
Old 05-28-2009, 05:28 AM
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prsnmom ~ GOOD for YOU ! I know this is very painful, and that it hurts you much more than it will hurt your son, but now is the time for you to deal with this and show him some tough love.

You are basically serving this sentence with him, and it's about time you stopped it and you started living your life with the rest of your family. You can only do so much, and please remember your family needs you too.

Again, kudos for standing up for yourself. (((Hugs)))
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Old 05-28-2009, 07:09 AM
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You did nothing wrong! Not at all! There is only so much a mom can take. The first couple of years my son was in I hung up on him many times. He finally settled down and realized that he was not the center of the universe, that I would do what I could when I could, and that I would let him know when he was starting to get demanding. He learned to be respectful and not to EVER yell and cuss at me. It finally sank into his brain that I had lots of other people to take care of, a job, and his daughter to raise. We now have very pleasant calls and he always asks very nicely if I can do something. I then honestly tell him if I can or can't. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. Hanging up on your son is NOT a bad thing. You may have to do it a few more times.
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Old 05-28-2009, 08:11 AM
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You Go Girl!! I bet there is not one single Mom here that has not wanted to do that very thing. Sometimes our kids push us to the very edge of that cliff and we have to do whatever is necessary to maintain our balance. So if by hanging up on him made him take a step back and look at what he was doing to you then it worked. All we want is for them to treat us with the respect we deserve. I have this talk with my son often. It is like they become so accustomed to their Moms doing for them over and over and over, that it is expected. It is no longer an act of kindness or love on the part of the Mom, it is expected, and often demanded. I often have to remind myself that it would be different if it were MY actions that put my son where he is. But it wasn't, so I don't owe him anything but love. Anything else is a bonus. And you normally don't receive bonuses from people you take for granted or treat poorly. At least not for long. This time in prison should be a learning experience for not only our kids but also for us. We need to remember that a Mothers love couldn't stop them from breaking the law. We can not be everything for everyone. So thank you for standing up for yourself. I know he felt bad and his apology was sincere. That is what this forum is all about. As parents we are here for each other. I am proud of you!!
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Old 05-28-2009, 09:47 AM
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I am so proud of you . I hung up on Tish more times than I can count. I had to constantly remind her that just because her life stopped in there, mine did not out here. Working full time, raising Zach, maintaining a house including yard work and all that life entails. She thought that I should just sit by the phone or by the mail box and wait for word from her. Wanted me to write several times a week. After so many months of that, I was worn out. I finally said one letter a week. Period. So much money a month. Period. No phone calls (once in prison). When she would get snotty, I would put a "come to jesus" letter in the mail. That usually did the trick. We MUST stop these manipulating and selfish kids of ours from their hurtful behavior.

Oh, and you know what, you do not owe him an attorney. One of the things that Alanon teaches us is that we do not create a crisis, nor do we prevent one. I know it is hard, I know that he is innocent. BUt, you have other people to take care of that did nothing wrong period. They must come first. I paid for Tish's very first attorney at the age of 17. I told her then, this will be the one and only time. I meant it. I have never paid for another attorney. I have never paid to bond her out of jail past that first time either. THis does not mean that we do not love them, this means that we are demanding that they work out their own issues in their own way. I KNOW it is so much easier said than done. I KNOW!!!! We will support you no matter what you do. We all have our own boundaries and levels of support. But know that you are not a bad mom just because you cannot/will not do everything he wants. A good mom does set boundaries/discipline on all of their children. Take care and know that I love you.

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Old 05-28-2009, 09:54 AM
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I think you were right for hanging up on him. It may be not be the popular thing to do, however, if my son called and gave me his b.s. about being stressed I'd remind him that I have bills to pay, rent to pay, a Grandchild to feed, and on top of that he wants me to send him money, stamps, beg for money and I'm tired. He's only been in prison a little over one month, and every single letter says the same old thing ... I was writing daily to keep him in good spirits, then he wrote a nasty letter, and I've cut WAY back.

I don't think they really care about anyone but themselves in there.

I'm sorry you're feeling guilty, try not to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by prsnmom View Post
I am feeling a little guilty for what I did to my son, but I also feel some relief. My chest isn't as tight as it is a lot of time.

I know some of you will think, "How could she do that?" Well, I HUNG UP ON HIM TONIGHT AND DIDN'T TAKE THE CALL WHEN HE TRIED TO CALL BACK.

I am tired of my son thinking he is the only one stressed out. He gets to the point where he thinks the whole world revolves around him, and I am guilty of letting it revolve around him. I am tired of hearing, "Mom, I need you to do this and this and this......." He never gives a thought to what it is like to try to take care of the rest of my family and deal with all his "Mommy Do List." My family needs me and he takes up all the time in my mind, and I know it is my own fault that I let that happen, but I honestly don't know how to make it stop.

I am so angry at him right now. As a lot of you know, he is facing a new indictment. The district does not have federal public defenders so the court has to hire him an attorney. He is letting his biological father hire him an attorney and trusting him to come through. He is supposed to pay 1/2 of it right now and the other 1/2 in 90 days. His father has never done anything for him except break his promises and disappoint him. He didn't pay any child support or anything else from the time he was 13 years old. I am so afraid his father is going to pay 1/2 the fee and tell my son to get the rest from me even though my son has assured him that I don't have the money. We aren't talking small change as it is a federal case. The other 4 co-defendants have court appointed attorneys and the lawyer he is paying is actually on the court-appointed list but wasn't assigned to his case. I am tired of paying attorney fees and fines and will not do it anymore. I know my son isn't guilty this time, but we can only do what we can do. When I discussed my fears with my son, he said not to stress about it as he is stressing enough over it wondering if he is going to come through. I am so sick and tired of hearing how stressed he is. I know he is stressed!! WE ALL ARE!!

Please don't tell me that I did the wrong thing by hanging up on him. I know it doesn't sound very nice, but I really think he needed it. He had his fiance call me to tell me he was sorry. He needs a reality check once in a while to realize he isn't as smart as he thinks he is. This old gal has some sense too and is trying to learn to draw the line between being mom and being taken advantage of.
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:06 AM
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You didn't do the wrong thing and that was a job well done...sometimes are children can absolutely wear us out. Have a Wonderful Day and Life!
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Old 05-28-2009, 11:17 AM
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I did that a few times to my son, he had to learn to respect me.

no guilt!

I think it is Oprah that said "We teach other people how to treat us"
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Old 05-28-2009, 11:22 AM
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it must have been dr phil:
from his website:

Life Law #8: We Teach



People How to Treat



Us


Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.


You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt. The resolve to be treated with dignity and respect must be uncompromising.

The worst thing you could do is make a lot of noise about changing things, only to revert to the old, familiar, destructive patterns. To talk about change and not to do it is to teach that person to treat your statements and declarations lightly. You will teach him or her to be patient, confident that you will soon give in. Where your relationship standards are concerned, commit to yourself that, although it may be difficult to effect change, you must not compromise. To compromise in this area is to sell out your most precious commodity: you.


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Old 05-28-2009, 11:41 AM
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Hon, I hung up on my son this weekend, and he isn't even in prison! Some behavior is not acceptable, period. How else can we let them know?
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Old 05-28-2009, 11:52 AM
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I'm standing up right now had to stop clapping to type.
WAY TO GO!
hope you feel better I know I usally do when I do that to my son. Its like a big relief I let it build up until I cant do it any more than watch out.
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Old 05-28-2009, 12:51 PM
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prsnmom - i am sorry that all of this is going on. but i do believe that what you did was right!!!. you do have other people that you have to take care of and don't forget to include YOU in that list and not at the bottom either. it is soo hard when our children are away from us and as mothers we just want to fix everything and we bring our children up fixing everything for them and then when they get older alot of times they forget that they need to rely on themselves for the situations that they get into. we have talked about this before and unfortuneatly here lately alot of the conversations have revolved around my sons situation but always know that we have every right to not be taken advantage of by anyone including ( or maybe it should be especially ) our children. do not let this make you feel bad. i KNOW that you are an awesome mother and a wonderful person. you have taken sooo much of your time even with everything going on with your life to help me out in mine. i believe that you should pat yourself on the back for standing up for yourself. i'll call you later to check on you.
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Old 05-28-2009, 05:13 PM
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I am sitting at home right now on a visiting night - it is raining and I am tired. When my son was out he did not sit around and wait for me. Congrats on the "hang up"! I so glad it made you feel good!

We have to take care of ourselves sometimes - not always them! My son and I have a beautiful relationship - I give and he takes! It gets old sometimes while I love him to death - I gotta love me too!

So sister good for you! I just wished we all lived in the same town - WHAT A PARTY WE COULD HAVE! I'd love to see all the Moms and Dads face to face.
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Old 05-28-2009, 06:11 PM
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Thank you for your kind words of support. Nicksmother.......GOOD FOR YOU! My son and I pretty much have that beautiful relationship you describe..........the one where you give and he takes. Unfortunately, I am totally familiar with that relationship as I live it on a regular basis. It gets very old after a while and takes too much wasted energy.

My son tried to call me back twice last night, and I didn't even pick up the phone. He even had his fiance call and tell me he was sorry. He hasn't tried to call since then, and I am pretty sure he is trying to play his games where he won't call in hopes I will call his fiance and tell her to have him call me. GUESS WHAT??? It isn't going to happen. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for that nasty attitude!!
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Old 05-28-2009, 06:15 PM
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You Go Momma! Hold out and hold on!
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Old 05-28-2009, 10:18 PM
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It works, just give it time. I walked out on a visit, was only there 5 mins. From that day on he has never mistreated me. I will not take it. Now when he ask for something he says, mom if you have a little extra money could you get me? I will say I always do get what he ask for but he never over asks. My problem is my sister she is in a rehab and wants me to take care of all her stuff. I told her I'm taking care of T, and you, your daughter, my daughter oh I have a man in my life too...I AM ONLY ONE PERSON. Really it is not that bad....UMMM..where was " I" in those being taken care of? Take care of yourself and slam that phone down on his ear if he even thinks about being rude to you. You did good mom. Hugs to you.
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Old 05-29-2009, 07:43 PM
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Well..........I still haven't heard from him and am not worried about it. I can play the game too as I am tired of that beautiful relationship that Nicksmom describes. He is either waiting for me to cave or he is afraid I won't put any money on his phone account so he is stretching it out so he can talk to his fiance and little girl. I told him the other day I was going to put money on the account and have always been good to my word, so he should know better. HMMM! Only problem is I am trying to determine if I should put the money on there right now or make the account go down to the last few dollars and make him sweat it out? I do have a hard time doing that though as I am good to my word, but I didn't give an exact date............!!


By the way........Nicksmom........you described that beautiful relationship better than I could have in just a few words.

"We have a beautiful relationship. I give and he takes."
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Old 05-29-2009, 08:02 PM
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Hi Prsnmom!
You did a good thing today. Rock on! I understand what you are talking about. Some days my son calls with this list of needs and no one is attending to my needs. After one conversation with him,last week I thought about creating a request list for him to mail to me ever week. It would have boxes to check off next to items like: Stay home til I call, Pick up all collect calls from me, Send me money, Read my mind, I'm tired of soup boxes don't send, I'll trade soup boxes send them, I want candy, I need lotion, My meds aren't working, I'm not feeling happy call the doctor... and to that I responded....your in jail you are not going to feel happy. It's too hot in my cell and there are roaches in which I responded....Its not Club Med and it not about you being comfortable. LOL!!!
Basically it is a very difficult time for us all and even though we are not sleeping in the cell with them we are in our own prison and our own hell. We feel what they feel plus what we as parents feel. The load is just simply to much and sometimes our sons need to get that even if they are not guilty of a crime, a better judgement on the events of that day or night could have save us all some anguish and heartbreak.
So like everyone before me said. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! If you don't stand up for you...who will?

Keep the Faith and stay Strong,


Quote:
Originally Posted by prsnmom View Post
I am feeling a little guilty for what I did to my son, but I also feel some relief. My chest isn't as tight as it is a lot of time.

I know some of you will think, "How could she do that?" Well, I HUNG UP ON HIM TONIGHT AND DIDN'T TAKE THE CALL WHEN HE TRIED TO CALL BACK.

I am tired of my son thinking he is the only one stressed out. He gets to the point where he thinks the whole world revolves around him, and I am guilty of letting it revolve around him. I am tired of hearing, "Mom, I need you to do this and this and this......." He never gives a thought to what it is like to try to take care of the rest of my family and deal with all his "Mommy Do List." My family needs me and he takes up all the time in my mind, and I know it is my own fault that I let that happen, but I honestly don't know how to make it stop.

I am so angry at him right now. As a lot of you know, he is facing a new indictment. The district does not have federal public defenders so the court has to hire him an attorney. He is letting his biological father hire him an attorney and trusting him to come through. He is supposed to pay 1/2 of it right now and the other 1/2 in 90 days. His father has never done anything for him except break his promises and disappoint him. He didn't pay any child support or anything else from the time he was 13 years old. I am so afraid his father is going to pay 1/2 the fee and tell my son to get the rest from me even though my son has assured him that I don't have the money. We aren't talking small change as it is a federal case. The other 4 co-defendants have court appointed attorneys and the lawyer he is paying is actually on the court-appointed list but wasn't assigned to his case. I am tired of paying attorney fees and fines and will not do it anymore. I know my son isn't guilty this time, but we can only do what we can do. When I discussed my fears with my son, he said not to stress about it as he is stressing enough over it wondering if he is going to come through. I am so sick and tired of hearing how stressed he is. I know he is stressed!! WE ALL ARE!!

Please don't tell me that I did the wrong thing by hanging up on him. I know it doesn't sound very nice, but I really think he needed it. He had his fiance call me to tell me he was sorry. He needs a reality check once in a while to realize he isn't as smart as he thinks he is. This old gal has some sense too and is trying to learn to draw the line between being mom and being taken advantage of.
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Old 05-30-2009, 08:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by prsnmom View Post
Thank you for your kind words of support. Nicksmother.......GOOD FOR YOU! My son and I pretty much have that beautiful relationship you describe..........the one where you give and he takes. Unfortunately, I am totally familiar with that relationship as I live it on a regular basis. It gets very old after a while and takes too much wasted energy.

My son tried to call me back twice last night, and I didn't even pick up the phone. He even had his fiance call and tell me he was sorry. He hasn't tried to call since then, and I am pretty sure he is trying to play his games where he won't call in hopes I will call his fiance and tell her to have him call me. GUESS WHAT??? It isn't going to happen. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for that nasty attitude!!

and the choir said AMEN! You Go Gurl!!!!
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Old 05-30-2009, 11:21 AM
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Well, he called last night after I posted. He said he was sorry that he said that and knows he shouldn't have said what he did. HMMM! I couldn't even remember what he said at the moment I slammed the phone closed. I guess he doesn't realize it wasn't just what he said at that moment, it was EVERYTHING he said. I decided to just let it go at that point.

He didn't have the nerve to ask me if I put money on his phone account. He knows it is getting low because the last time I called and got the balance, I told him what it was. He knows how much he has spent on it, so he knows it is getting low. I guess I am feeling a little evil because I didn't mention the phone account and haven't added money to it yet. I know this seems like a very small thing but, I know him well enough to know that was the reason he called, and I didn't give him the satisfaction of letting him know one way or the other if I did or didn't add money to it. He has enough sense to know that would have seemed rude to have asked at that point so he didn't even go there! I told him last week I would put some money on it this weekend, but I am sure he is wondering. I am surprised he hasn't had his fiance call or text me to ask. He has probably asked her, but she gets irritated with his demands as well and would probably tell him NO! I know I probably shouldn't make him worry as his phone time is the most important posession he has at this time, but I spend many nights worrying. It would be nice for him to dial just once and have that sense of panic to dial to make that call and find out the good ole gal didn't come through this time.
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Old 05-30-2009, 01:18 PM
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prsnmom ~ I'm happy your son called you , but I think if you really want to make a point, and let him know you really mean business, I would not be in such a hurry to put money on his account or put money on his/your phone account for him right away. It is just a suggestion, but why don't you make him wait just a tad bit longer so that he KNOWS you mean business about his treating you with the utmost respect, and not talking to you disrespectfully ever again, or even demanding things of you.

You have your life to live, and you must always take care of yourself first. There can be no exceptions to this, plus... sadly, you are not always going to be around here for him (in or out of prison), so let him wait a little longer (if you get my drift)...

Love and many warm (((hugs)))

PS: He probably thinks he knows you very well & assumes he has you wrapped around his little finger... NOT!!!
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Old 05-31-2009, 06:10 AM
Destiny111 Destiny111 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by prsnmom View Post
Please don't tell me that I did the wrong thing by hanging up on him. I know it doesn't sound very nice, but I really think he needed it. He had his fiance call me to tell me he was sorry. He needs a reality check once in a while to realize he isn't as smart as he thinks he is. This old gal has some sense too and is trying to learn to draw the line between being mom and being taken advantage of.
Hi prsn mom,
you do not have to feel guilty about what you did, pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to do that. You are not the reason your son is in there and you should not feel guilty about wanting to still have a life and take care of your other family members. Your son and my fiance are in the same prison as I have stated before it is Camp snoopy so he is not stressing about the living conditions there I promise you that....he may be stressed about the situation but not camp snoopy....LOL....my fiance did that to me a few yrs ago when he was in beaumont and I did the same thing you did exactly like you did.
( I know this is about mom's and their children but as a girlfriend, fiance or wife we go through the same thing, so I hope you don't mind me putting my 2 cents in.)
Now of course we both know beaumont was hell on earth and my fiance did have a legitimate reason to freak out and be stressed out all the time, but I had reached my breaking point. Yes he was wonderful to me while he was out and he treated me like a queen but that gave him no right to think I was his on call 24/7 personal assistant who's life should only revolve around him.....LOL
When I finally did take his call a week later after hanging up on him and refusing his further calls...... I told him I needed to say something that as long as he was in jail he need not forget.
I went on to explain that my love for him was unconditional and that I would be there for him but I still had a life to live and that while his absence has made life miserable for me it still went on and he needed to realize that and accept that and most importantly he needed to think about how I felt in all this drama.
Not to throw it in his face but I reminded him of all the support I had given him to date and the unconditional love I showed him and that I thought he was being an ungrateful, spoiled baby!
He apologized after thinking about it and has never done it again ( he said it grew him up a little and it made him see that I was serious) he stated he was just really stressed out and was taking his frustration and anxiety out on me. (because I allowed it I'm sure)
You love your son and worry about him a lot.... it's natural, it's also natural and ok for you to be stressed out, have good and bad days and occasionally let the "S" fall of your chest.... supermom....LOL.
The new indictment is stressing him out but he needs to realize that he is not the only one doing the time, when you love someone you are doing the time with them. If he can not see this.... my suggestion to you would be to tell him you will not put up with his attitude and if he continues , he can start asking his fiance to deal with him and pick up where you will be leaving off..( there is a reason why he is not stressing her out..she probably doesn't put up with it)... a little"TOUGH LOVE" is not a bad thing and goes a long way....sometimes they need it and even if they don't admit it... they will see that it's what they need and still love you for it.
Take care of you first, you can't be there for anyone else, if you are not making yourself a priority. Good luck to you and your son!
P.S. also you can remind him to count his blessings ...he could be still at beaumont, sleeping with one eye open and stressing 100 times more than he is at Camp Snoopy!

Last edited by Destiny111; 05-31-2009 at 06:37 AM..
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Old 05-31-2009, 06:54 AM
Tracy147 Tracy147 is offline
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I hung up on my son plenty of times. They want you to feel guilty or something for them, about their situation. I even told him to stop acting like a spoiled little brat. Hes much better now, hes grown up wver the years, but I often reminded him of this "you got yourself in there and YOU have to get yourself out. You didnt want to listen to me when you were home now this is your problem not mine." I blame some of his selfishness on myself cuz I was the mom who always tried to fix his problems. I have learned that these are his problems and its only gonna make him a better person to let him take it on. I am always here for him, but I do not want to hear his complaining about his situation anymore. I have other children too, and he cant be my only focus. I know hes lonely and homesick and I'm sure the situation he is in is very stressful, I do feel bad for him. I'm here now to listen, NOT to be beat up. He was very young when he went to prison(17) now 22, he has grown up and now realizes that I am his MOM who he does respect now. He realizes that this is his problem not mine and he cant take it out on me cuz I will hang up the phone. What I guess I'm saying is...hanging up on them may be what they need to realize they have to take a good look at themselves and quit blaming others. It will make them a better person in the end. Hang in there, Hugs to you. It wont be the last hang up!!!
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Old 05-31-2009, 08:46 AM
Iam4myman Iam4myman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Destiny111 View Post
Hi prsn mom,
you do not have to feel guilty about what you did, pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to do that. You are not the reason your son is in there and you should not feel guilty about wanting to still have a life and take care of your other family members. Your son and my fiance are in the same prison as I have stated before it is Camp snoopy so he is not stressing about the living conditions there I promise you that....he may be stressed about the situation but not camp snoopy....LOL....my fiance did that to me a few yrs ago when he was in beaumont and I did the same thing you did exactly like you did.
( I know this is about mom's and their children but as a girlfriend, fiance or wife we go through the same thing, so I hope you don't mind me putting my 2 cents in.)
Now of course we both know beaumont was hell on earth and my fiance did have a legitimate reason to freak out and be stressed out all the time, but I had reached my breaking point. Yes he was wonderful to me while he was out and he treated me like a queen but that gave him no right to think I was his on call 24/7 personal assistant who's life should only revolve around him.....LOL
When I finally did take his call a week later after hanging up on him and refusing his further calls...... I told him I needed to say something that as long as he was in jail he need not forget.
I went on to explain that my love for him was unconditional and that I would be there for him but I still had a life to live and that while his absence has made life miserable for me it still went on and he needed to realize that and accept that and most importantly he needed to think about how I felt in all this drama.
Not to throw it in his face but I reminded him of all the support I had given him to date and the unconditional love I showed him and that I thought he was being an ungrateful, spoiled baby!
He apologized after thinking about it and has never done it again ( he said it grew him up a little and it made him see that I was serious) he stated he was just really stressed out and was taking his frustration and anxiety out on me. (because I allowed it I'm sure)
You love your son and worry about him a lot.... it's natural, it's also natural and ok for you to be stressed out, have good and bad days and occasionally let the "S" fall of your chest.... supermom....LOL.
The new indictment is stressing him out but he needs to realize that he is not the only one doing the time, when you love someone you are doing the time with them. If he can not see this.... my suggestion to you would be to tell him you will not put up with his attitude and if he continues , he can start asking his fiance to deal with him and pick up where you will be leaving off..( there is a reason why he is not stressing her out..she probably doesn't put up with it)... a little"TOUGH LOVE" is not a bad thing and goes a long way....sometimes they need it and even if they don't admit it... they will see that it's what they need and still love you for it.
Take care of you first, you can't be there for anyone else, if you are not making yourself a priority. Good luck to you and your son!
P.S. also you can remind him to count his blessings ...he could be still at beaumont, sleeping with one eye open and stressing 100 times more than he is at Camp Snoopy!



I totally agree with everything everyone has said, but I will tell you my son is no longer at Camp Snoopy. He is in a county jail now that is classified as a federal holding facility facing his new indictment. It really doesn't matter as his attitude is the same no matter where he is. He adds stress to his fiance's life too, but he knows this good ole gal will follow through on everything that he asks me to do.

He has been calling the last few days. I weakened and had already added money to his account. I told him yesterday I added money to his phone account. He thanked me and was sincere about it. The call was ending too soon and he actually asked if he could call back later. You see, my 18 year old son actually talked to him on the phone, and my older son was so shocked (as was I) that it was very emotional for him. He couldn't finish our conversation. You don't know how much this meant to me as my 18 year old holds a lot of bitterness for the decisions my son has made and the hurt he has seen us experience. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal to most, but it was big to me. I guess God had a plan here.......

Last edited by Iam4myman; 05-31-2009 at 08:47 AM.. Reason: typo
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Old 05-31-2009, 10:45 AM
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i have been lurking here watching this post and the replies since it went up. i hope it keeps going,as i need the back up every day!!
things are not good with my son and i. i am hurt more than i have ever been hurt by him, am angry and frustrated to the point that my guilt is gone. its not that i dont care, and its not that i dont worry, and if he ends up in prison -well, we will just see where our relationship is at that time.
seems my son has decided to give me a dose of my own medicine,per se....not bothering with me because i stress HIM out....imagine that. in all fairness, he did say in the same converstation,or maybe it was the next..that he doesnt want to stress me out either. but, ya know the tatto that is plastered on his chest that matches mine, that i paid for says...respect. now, i know i have to earn his respect,just as he has to earn mine even if i am his mother. but i have done nothing, not to. i can, 100%,honestly,standing before God, say that.
i am tired...tired of his excuses..tired of him blaming everyone else....tired of him being the one in this family that causes so many conflicts..tired of him not really truly thinking of what anyone else is going through regarding him, tired of being unappreciated...tired of hearing other kids that have realized what they have done to their parents that care and who have stepped up to the plate and changed their attitudes, while mine does not get it-yet.
maybe he IS seriously mentally ill....but do those who are getting treatment
not show love and appreciation for those in their lives that deserve it?
what saddens me is my son is 30,and up until just a few years ago i had good reason to defend him, i understood him. he always knew when he was wrong, he always apologized when he was wrong, something has happened that has changed him once again. what that is, im not sure. im starting to question those in the pyschological field, as recently he had this whole thing about me and unconditional love that he vented to everybody and their brother about. i know in my heart, i have given him unconditional love. but that does not include being disrespected, and condoning the same bad behaviors over and over again when there seems to be not much remorse, and the never ending poor me attitude.
as much as you hate to seem to be throwing up things, damn it hurts so much to know all you did and feel so unappreciated and cast aside. and so, with that i am letting go without guilt. something that i have pretty much always been able to do with my kids,but it doesnt mean the hurt is not there. i never wanted this for my family....the emotional distance, the who isnt talking to who. in fact, i always wanted the opposite. but,life doesnt always allow for that.
it just pisses me off, that i cant go back and say to the lawyer we fired, and the asshole DA, look at my son now.....................
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