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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 03-24-2012, 07:29 PM
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Question Red Flags that you ignored or wrote off?

Hey Ladies,,
To the Women Warriors that have endured, survived and came out on the other end stronger after the breakup, and NOW knowing hindsight is 20-20,, and now that the "Love Glasses' are off.... What were some of the "Red Flags" that you ignored or wrote off??? I ask this question because if 1 of your response can help any of us not to be heartbroked,, I'm SURE it would be GREATLY APPRECIEATED.
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Old 03-25-2012, 05:48 AM
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Great thread. I'm probably not the best person to answer this, because I ended my relationship on good terms.

I cannot say I wrote off any red flags per say (well, there is the fact he violated parole and committed a new crime after a 6 year bid, maybe a flag that he is on the path of career criminal ), but I can say, I wore some "love glasses" when it came to the limitations his felon status would put on me, my family and our relationship. I was willing to accept the fact that he wouldn't be able to travel, pass any kind of security clearances, own firearms or vote. I suppose at the time of my prison relationship, those things didn't mean much to me, but now that I am with someone who is able to travel, own a gun, vote, chaperon kids field trips and so forth.... I'm really lovin' it! =)

Just think, you are able to pursue life without limitations put on you by another person! Best wishes to everyone!
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:41 AM
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My two biggest things that I wish I hadn't ignored...
1. Past behavior is the biggest/best predictor of future behavior. For 10 years I tried to convince everyone that my man had changed.. that he had turned his life around. WRONG!! It took a few months but eventually he turned into the monster that I had heard the endless horror stories about.

2. When they show you who they are, believe them. Don't make excuses for their bad behavior. If they don't respect you inside.. they aren't going to respect you on the outside!!
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:44 AM
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I ignored lie after lie I almost made it seem like the lie was little but when you add all the lies up, they turned in to bigger things that I could have avoided.

He continued to get in trouble even while locked up, that should have told me right then and there he had not grown up or was trying to reform to make a better future for us.

His inconsiderate attitude. He asked me one time to send his cousin money that was in with him. Then when I use to go and visit him we would have real immature conversations. He sounded like he was just on vacation and really not caring that he was missing out on our 6 month old's life.

When he came home he showed just how childish he was he showed me a tattoo he had got of his baby mama's name a month after we got married. He hit me the first day he was out and his family had soo much drama going on. That first day he came home I knew I was never going to be in love with him and I should have left him alone then but I was already in revenge mode.
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:45 PM
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the biggest red flag in any type of relationship is.......

when we make excuses and except unexceptionable behaviors.

i say this because I can look back at every failed relationship I have been in and the common factor is always me accepting and making excuses for the others actions
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:45 PM
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When he kept blaming me for him hitting me. It was all my fault. He just reacted to my behavior. That he was sorry and would never hurt me again.
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Old 03-26-2012, 03:40 PM
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The best advise I ever got was that words mean little unless they are backed by actions.Go by what they do and not what they say.
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Old 03-26-2012, 04:03 PM
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Klewis,,, what is revenge mode??
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Old 03-26-2012, 04:12 PM
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Threads like these :P
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Old 03-26-2012, 04:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by akaptrosa View Post
Great thread. I'm probably not the best person to answer this, because I ended my relationship on good terms.

I cannot say I wrote off any red flags per say (well, there is the fact he violated parole and committed a new crime after a 6 year bid, maybe a flag that he is on the path of career criminal ), but I can say, I wore some "love glasses" when it came to the limitations his felon status would put on me, my family and our relationship. I was willing to accept the fact that he wouldn't be able to travel, pass any kind of security clearances, own firearms or vote. I suppose at the time of my prison relationship, those things didn't mean much to me, but now that I am with someone who is able to travel, own a gun, vote, chaperon kids field trips and so forth.... I'm really lovin' it! =)

Just think, you are able to pursue life without limitations put on you by another person! Best wishes to everyone!
AMEN to that
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Old 03-26-2012, 09:45 PM
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Basically something childish but I had made up my mind that I was going to make him as miserable as he had made me over the 5 year period. Some people say that the thing about love is no one is every in love at the same time. This was one of those relationships. He messed up and fell in love and it was not about that for me no more. He landed a good job and I made it known that he was supporting me 100%. He never had money left over to buy him clothes so he stayed in his work clothes. I wasn't a wife to him, I was more like a gold digger times 2. I did not lie to him though. I always told him I did not love him and that if he ever lost his job I would be gone and that is what happened. Even though I feel I got revenge it was not worth it in the end because my daughter seen a lot of abuse coming from him and a lot of wasted time was put in to the relationship. He use to beat me because he could not get me to love him no more.

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Klewis,,, what is revenge mode??
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:22 PM
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Unless a person has only been in one relationship that ended in their whole life, we have ALL ignored a red flag of some variety. The thing is about reg flags is this - sometimes they are invisible until the race is over. In my estimation, it's better to focus on the lessons one has learned in a relationship rather than trying to grasp at finding red flags that might have eluded to the end of the relationship.

Lot's of people have 20/20 vision in hindsight. And haven't we all said "oh now that I have *this* - I'm so much happier" - Most people probably even said that same thing when they got into the relationship that ultimately failed...

it's the nature of the beast. I've been in 4 serious relationships, including the one I'm currently in. When the past ones failed, I survived just fine and walked away with another layer of knowledge. That knowledge allows me to know what I will accept or wont - so, even if there were "red flags" in previous relationships - they served their purpose.

I'm not suggesting anyone is well served to ignore signs, either obvious or vague. What I am saying is that each person that has loved and lost has taken a lesson away from it. It's probably not much comfort but that lesson will better prepare you for the next thing.
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Old 03-26-2012, 11:03 PM
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i agree with the above post 100%. some from my previos relationship:

1. he believed what others said before he talked to me and even tho i told him the truth he still believed what everyone else said

2. he hung out with his ex too much even tho he said they were just friends and they both told me they dont want to be together like that again and havent had sex since they broke up

3. the way he treated his mother. if he doesnt respect his own mother and doesnt treat her right than he wont respect any other woman or treat her right either

4. his brother and all my friends that knew him before we met told me to stay away from him

5. his drug addiction

those are the major ones that come to mind and there were countless other smaller flags

i have learned alot the hard way from this relationship and no other man will ever hurt me like that again, i will make sure of that. i will make sure not to be taken for granted, i will make sure i am respected and appreciated, and i will make sure i will not waste anymore of my time
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Old 04-01-2012, 06:53 AM
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All these have been great- especially the warnings about feeling you need to find excuses for the guys behavior. But really, that one is on the one who lets it happen. There is an almost "natural" slide from that point into the kind of relationship where it happens over and over. You've probably heard some women say "I am a magnet for trouble", and this is why.
I think there is another red flag area that we dont talk about much here, and that is: don't look at what he is NOT doing (like staying out of trouble, minding his own business, etc) but what he IS doing to try to change.
-Is he in programming, is he taking advantage of AA, NA, Violence classes? All these help a person to adjust their thinking?
-Is he preparing well for when he leaves, like getting a GED and getting job training? Most prisons now have all of this and more and this helps people to change what they do and to feel "in control" by working well IN society.

If a guy is actually doing something to make changes in himself in his behavior and his thinking, then at least you know that he is investing time in himself. But if he is just coasting through his time there, (dont forget it isnt too hard to stay clear of trouble when you are locked away from a lot of it) then the chances are greater that he will have a hard time working it when he leaves. One thing is for sure, you can easily hang onto all your criminal, antisocial, and poor relationship skills while you are in prison, and only a good deal of work on yourself is going to change these.
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Old 04-04-2012, 02:21 PM
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If his words don't match up with his actions, that is the biggest red flag I can think of.
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Old 04-04-2012, 06:49 PM
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Making excuses for their lies and forgiving all their BS
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:11 PM
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my wholeRELATIONSHIP was red flags i walked into what would absorb MY life for 10yrs thinking that i was strong THAT IT COULDNT HAPPEN,I KNEW ALL THE BAD SIGNS OF A MESSED UP MAN ,I WAS GOING TO USE THIS GUY FOR MY OWN NEEDS AND THEN WHEN I WAS FINISH JUST MOVE FORWARD,BOY WAS I SO TERRIBLY WRONG I REMEMBER WALKING INTO THE VISITING ROOM AND FORGETTING MY NAME MEETING WHAT WOULD BRING TO ME SICKNESS,SUICIDE,SELF ESTEEM ISSUES ,BROKE,WITH NO REASON TO LIVE IF IT WAS'NT FOR MY FAITH MY STORY WOULD NEVER BE TOLD,I ENDURED 10YRS OF BEING THE CLOSEST THING TO BEING A STEPPING BOARD,I BECAME A OBEDIENT SERVANT TO A INMATE DOING ALL TYPES OF DANGEROUS AND SOMETIMES EVEN SACRIFICING MY HEALTH FOR VISITS THROUGH RAIN,SLEET AND SNOW I WAS THERE ,I TOLERATED DISRESPECT,CHEATING,RIDICULE ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE,JAY TREATED ME BAD AND THE MORE I NEEDED HIM JUST SICK.IM TELLING MY STORY NOT TO BASH GUYS IN PRISON I FOUND THAT PUNK AND I ALLOWED IT FROM THE START AND I WALK OUT SO MANY TIMES ONLY TO RETURN TO MORE ABUSE ,OH YEAH EVERY ONCE IN WHILE JAY WOULD REMIND ME THAT HE NEVER LOVED ME AND NEVER WOULD,I WAS HIS TYPE OF WOMAN MY ASS WAS TOO FLAT MY CHEST WAS TOO FLAT,HE SAID IF IT WASNT FOR MY PRETTY HAIR AND MY PRETTY FACE I WOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN NO WHERE WITH HIM ,HE REMIND ME THAT HIS 2BABY MOMS WERE DIMES AND IF I SHOULD EVER CUT MY HAIR OR MY FACE GOT UGLY I WAS OUT FOR GOOD.PLEASE TO RELIVE THIS IS PAINFUL SO IF YOU SEE SIGNS DONT WAIT FOR IT TO GET BETTER IT WON'T,10YRS OF ABUSE MENTALLY NOT PHYSICAL HE WOULD SAY I WOULD NT HIT YOU EVER YOU SCARE OF ME THOUGH I KNOW YOU ARE HE WOULD SAY,I'VE LEFT AND MOVE ON HE WRITES TO SEE IF I REACT BUT IM DONE ,HE WRITES FOR MY BIRTHDAY SAYING THINGS LIKE I ALWAYS KEEP YOU CLOSE TO MY HEART AND TO THAT I SAY YEAH RITE HE NEVER LOVED ME I WAS JUST THERE FOR PACKAGES,VISITS DOING HIS DIRTY WORK AND SINCE I SHOULD MY NEED FOR HIM TO LOVE ME HE DID THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE HE WOULD ACT LIKE HE WAS LOVING ME WHEN HE THOUGHT HIS GAME WAS COMING TO A END THEN HE WOULD CALL ME ALL DAY AT MY EXPENSE TELLING ME YOU DID THIS I DONT WANNA BE LIKE THIS (CRYING) BUT YOU FORCE ME CAUSE YOU WONT LISTEN ,IF I SEND YOU TO BUY ME UNDERWEAR AND I SAY 2 IF YOU BUY 3 THEN WE HAVE problem and after so long you have'nt gotten YOU WILL NEVER DO WHAT YOU WANT FOR ME WITH ME IF YOU DONT DO WHAT I SAY HOW I SAY IT WE'LL ALWAYS BE FIGHTING,I LOVE YOU MARY BUT YOUR HARD-HEADED,IM SINGLE AND REGROUPING I COME ON PTO CAUSE THROUGH-OUT MY TIME I'VE ALWAYS FOUND SUPPORT HERE AND IF I CAN HELP ONE PERSON THEN MY PAIN AND ALL I ENDURED WILL NOT BE IN VAIN THANXS SORRY IT WAS SO LONG
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pisces317
my wholeRELATIONSHIP was red flags i walked into what would absorb MY life for 10yrs thinking that i was strong THAT IT COULDNT HAPPEN,I KNEW ALL THE BAD SIGNS OF A MESSED UP MAN ,I WAS GOING TO USE THIS GUY FOR MY OWN NEEDS AND THEN WHEN I WAS FINISH JUST MOVE FORWARD,BOY WAS I SO TERRIBLY WRONG I REMEMBER WALKING INTO THE VISITING ROOM AND FORGETTING MY NAME MEETING WHAT WOULD BRING TO ME SICKNESS,SUICIDE,SELF ESTEEM ISSUES ,BROKE,WITH NO REASON TO LIVE IF IT WAS'NT FOR MY FAITH MY STORY WOULD NEVER BE TOLD,I ENDURED 10YRS OF BEING THE CLOSEST THING TO BEING A STEPPING BOARD,I BECAME A OBEDIENT SERVANT TO A INMATE DOING ALL TYPES OF DANGEROUS AND SOMETIMES EVEN SACRIFICING MY HEALTH FOR VISITS THROUGH RAIN,SLEET AND SNOW I WAS THERE ,I TOLERATED DISRESPECT,CHEATING,RIDICULE ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE,JAY TREATED ME BAD AND THE MORE I NEEDED HIM JUST SICK.IM TELLING MY STORY NOT TO BASH GUYS IN PRISON I FOUND THAT PUNK AND I ALLOWED IT FROM THE START AND I WALK OUT SO MANY TIMES ONLY TO RETURN TO MORE ABUSE ,OH YEAH EVERY ONCE IN WHILE JAY WOULD REMIND ME THAT HE NEVER LOVED ME AND NEVER WOULD,I WAS HIS TYPE OF WOMAN MY ASS WAS TOO FLAT MY CHEST WAS TOO FLAT,HE SAID IF IT WASNT FOR MY PRETTY HAIR AND MY PRETTY FACE I WOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN NO WHERE WITH HIM ,HE REMIND ME THAT HIS 2BABY MOMS WERE DIMES AND IF I SHOULD EVER CUT MY HAIR OR MY FACE GOT UGLY I WAS OUT FOR GOOD.PLEASE TO RELIVE THIS IS PAINFUL SO IF YOU SEE SIGNS DONT WAIT FOR IT TO GET BETTER IT WON'T,10YRS OF ABUSE MENTALLY NOT PHYSICAL HE WOULD SAY I WOULD NT HIT YOU EVER YOU SCARE OF ME THOUGH I KNOW YOU ARE HE WOULD SAY,I'VE LEFT AND MOVE ON HE WRITES TO SEE IF I REACT BUT IM DONE ,HE WRITES FOR MY BIRTHDAY SAYING THINGS LIKE I ALWAYS KEEP YOU CLOSE TO MY HEART AND TO THAT I SAY YEAH RITE HE NEVER LOVED ME I WAS JUST THERE FOR PACKAGES,VISITS DOING HIS DIRTY WORK AND SINCE I SHOULD MY NEED FOR HIM TO LOVE ME HE DID THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE HE WOULD ACT LIKE HE WAS LOVING ME WHEN HE THOUGHT HIS GAME WAS COMING TO A END THEN HE WOULD CALL ME ALL DAY AT MY EXPENSE TELLING ME YOU DID THIS I DONT WANNA BE LIKE THIS (CRYING) BUT YOU FORCE ME CAUSE YOU WONT LISTEN ,IF I SEND YOU TO BUY ME UNDERWEAR AND I SAY 2 IF YOU BUY 3 THEN WE HAVE problem and after so long you have'nt gotten YOU WILL NEVER DO WHAT YOU WANT FOR ME WITH ME IF YOU DONT DO WHAT I SAY HOW I SAY IT WE'LL ALWAYS BE FIGHTING,I LOVE YOU MARY BUT YOUR HARD-HEADED,IM SINGLE AND REGROUPING I COME ON PTO CAUSE THROUGH-OUT MY TIME I'VE ALWAYS FOUND SUPPORT HERE AND IF I CAN HELP ONE PERSON THEN MY PAIN AND ALL I ENDURED WILL NOT BE IN VAIN THANXS SORRY IT WAS SO LONG
Huggggssss!! I literally have tears dropping from my eyes, thank you so much for sharing your red flag signs to help me in others to see some thingswe may overlook @ times & I thank you even more for you walkin away permanently from his ignorance
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:13 PM
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Originally Posted by pisces317 View Post
my wholeRELATIONSHIP was red flags i walked into what would absorb MY life for 10yrs thinking that i was strong THAT IT COULDNT HAPPEN,I KNEW ALL THE BAD SIGNS OF A MESSED UP MAN ,I WAS GOING TO USE THIS GUY FOR MY OWN NEEDS AND THEN WHEN I WAS FINISH JUST MOVE FORWARD,BOY WAS I SO TERRIBLY WRONG I REMEMBER WALKING INTO THE VISITING ROOM AND FORGETTING MY NAME MEETING WHAT WOULD BRING TO ME SICKNESS,SUICIDE,SELF ESTEEM ISSUES ,BROKE,WITH NO REASON TO LIVE IF IT WAS'NT FOR MY FAITH MY STORY WOULD NEVER BE TOLD,I ENDURED 10YRS OF BEING THE CLOSEST THING TO BEING A STEPPING BOARD,I BECAME A OBEDIENT SERVANT TO A INMATE DOING ALL TYPES OF DANGEROUS AND SOMETIMES EVEN SACRIFICING MY HEALTH FOR VISITS THROUGH RAIN,SLEET AND SNOW I WAS THERE ,I TOLERATED DISRESPECT,CHEATING,RIDICULE ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE,JAY TREATED ME BAD AND THE MORE I NEEDED HIM JUST SICK.IM TELLING MY STORY NOT TO BASH GUYS IN PRISON I FOUND THAT PUNK AND I ALLOWED IT FROM THE START AND I WALK OUT SO MANY TIMES ONLY TO RETURN TO MORE ABUSE ,OH YEAH EVERY ONCE IN WHILE JAY WOULD REMIND ME THAT HE NEVER LOVED ME AND NEVER WOULD,I WAS HIS TYPE OF WOMAN MY ASS WAS TOO FLAT MY CHEST WAS TOO FLAT,HE SAID IF IT WASNT FOR MY PRETTY HAIR AND MY PRETTY FACE I WOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN NO WHERE WITH HIM ,HE REMIND ME THAT HIS 2BABY MOMS WERE DIMES AND IF I SHOULD EVER CUT MY HAIR OR MY FACE GOT UGLY I WAS OUT FOR GOOD.PLEASE TO RELIVE THIS IS PAINFUL SO IF YOU SEE SIGNS DONT WAIT FOR IT TO GET BETTER IT WON'T,10YRS OF ABUSE MENTALLY NOT PHYSICAL HE WOULD SAY I WOULD NT HIT YOU EVER YOU SCARE OF ME THOUGH I KNOW YOU ARE HE WOULD SAY,I'VE LEFT AND MOVE ON HE WRITES TO SEE IF I REACT BUT IM DONE ,HE WRITES FOR MY BIRTHDAY SAYING THINGS LIKE I ALWAYS KEEP YOU CLOSE TO MY HEART AND TO THAT I SAY YEAH RITE HE NEVER LOVED ME I WAS JUST THERE FOR PACKAGES,VISITS DOING HIS DIRTY WORK AND SINCE I SHOULD MY NEED FOR HIM TO LOVE ME HE DID THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE HE WOULD ACT LIKE HE WAS LOVING ME WHEN HE THOUGHT HIS GAME WAS COMING TO A END THEN HE WOULD CALL ME ALL DAY AT MY EXPENSE TELLING ME YOU DID THIS I DONT WANNA BE LIKE THIS (CRYING) BUT YOU FORCE ME CAUSE YOU WONT LISTEN ,IF I SEND YOU TO BUY ME UNDERWEAR AND I SAY 2 IF YOU BUY 3 THEN WE HAVE problem and after so long you have'nt gotten YOU WILL NEVER DO WHAT YOU WANT FOR ME WITH ME IF YOU DONT DO WHAT I SAY HOW I SAY IT WE'LL ALWAYS BE FIGHTING,I LOVE YOU MARY BUT YOUR HARD-HEADED,IM SINGLE AND REGROUPING I COME ON PTO CAUSE THROUGH-OUT MY TIME I'VE ALWAYS FOUND SUPPORT HERE AND IF I CAN HELP ONE PERSON THEN MY PAIN AND ALL I ENDURED WILL NOT BE IN VAIN THANXS SORRY IT WAS SO LONG

wow thanks for sharing. I hope that you know your worth. You are beautiful.
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by pisces317 View Post
my wholeRELATIONSHIP was red flags i walked into what would absorb MY life for 10yrs thinking that i was strong THAT IT COULDNT HAPPEN,I KNEW ALL THE BAD SIGNS OF A MESSED UP MAN ,I WAS GOING TO USE THIS GUY FOR MY OWN NEEDS AND THEN WHEN I WAS FINISH JUST MOVE FORWARD,BOY WAS I SO TERRIBLY WRONG I REMEMBER WALKING INTO THE VISITING ROOM AND FORGETTING MY NAME MEETING WHAT WOULD BRING TO ME SICKNESS,SUICIDE,SELF ESTEEM ISSUES ,BROKE,WITH NO REASON TO LIVE IF IT WAS'NT FOR MY FAITH MY STORY WOULD NEVER BE TOLD,I ENDURED 10YRS OF BEING THE CLOSEST THING TO BEING A STEPPING BOARD,I BECAME A OBEDIENT SERVANT TO A INMATE DOING ALL TYPES OF DANGEROUS AND SOMETIMES EVEN SACRIFICING MY HEALTH FOR VISITS THROUGH RAIN,SLEET AND SNOW I WAS THERE ,I TOLERATED DISRESPECT,CHEATING,RIDICULE ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE,JAY TREATED ME BAD AND THE MORE I NEEDED HIM JUST SICK.IM TELLING MY STORY NOT TO BASH GUYS IN PRISON I FOUND THAT PUNK AND I ALLOWED IT FROM THE START AND I WALK OUT SO MANY TIMES ONLY TO RETURN TO MORE ABUSE ,OH YEAH EVERY ONCE IN WHILE JAY WOULD REMIND ME THAT HE NEVER LOVED ME AND NEVER WOULD,I WAS HIS TYPE OF WOMAN MY ASS WAS TOO FLAT MY CHEST WAS TOO FLAT,HE SAID IF IT WASNT FOR MY PRETTY HAIR AND MY PRETTY FACE I WOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN NO WHERE WITH HIM ,HE REMIND ME THAT HIS 2BABY MOMS WERE DIMES AND IF I SHOULD EVER CUT MY HAIR OR MY FACE GOT UGLY I WAS OUT FOR GOOD.PLEASE TO RELIVE THIS IS PAINFUL SO IF YOU SEE SIGNS DONT WAIT FOR IT TO GET BETTER IT WON'T,10YRS OF ABUSE MENTALLY NOT PHYSICAL HE WOULD SAY I WOULD NT HIT YOU EVER YOU SCARE OF ME THOUGH I KNOW YOU ARE HE WOULD SAY,I'VE LEFT AND MOVE ON HE WRITES TO SEE IF I REACT BUT IM DONE ,HE WRITES FOR MY BIRTHDAY SAYING THINGS LIKE I ALWAYS KEEP YOU CLOSE TO MY HEART AND TO THAT I SAY YEAH RITE HE NEVER LOVED ME I WAS JUST THERE FOR PACKAGES,VISITS DOING HIS DIRTY WORK AND SINCE I SHOULD MY NEED FOR HIM TO LOVE ME HE DID THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE HE WOULD ACT LIKE HE WAS LOVING ME WHEN HE THOUGHT HIS GAME WAS COMING TO A END THEN HE WOULD CALL ME ALL DAY AT MY EXPENSE TELLING ME YOU DID THIS I DONT WANNA BE LIKE THIS (CRYING) BUT YOU FORCE ME CAUSE YOU WONT LISTEN ,IF I SEND YOU TO BUY ME UNDERWEAR AND I SAY 2 IF YOU BUY 3 THEN WE HAVE problem and after so long you have'nt gotten YOU WILL NEVER DO WHAT YOU WANT FOR ME WITH ME IF YOU DONT DO WHAT I SAY HOW I SAY IT WE'LL ALWAYS BE FIGHTING,I LOVE YOU MARY BUT YOUR HARD-HEADED,IM SINGLE AND REGROUPING I COME ON PTO CAUSE THROUGH-OUT MY TIME I'VE ALWAYS FOUND SUPPORT HERE AND IF I CAN HELP ONE PERSON THEN MY PAIN AND ALL I ENDURED WILL NOT BE IN VAIN THANXS SORRY IT WAS SO LONG
Congrats on getting out & sharing ur experience w others. Alot of times ppl hide their stories out of embarassment but fail 2 realize they arent alone....every1 makes mistakes and every1 @ 1 point or another has put far 2 much effort in2 a situation tht wsnt worth it....Good 4 u girl 4 speakin up & sharing....ur a soldier!! ***hugs***
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Old 04-13-2012, 06:20 PM
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THANXS LADIIES it was a process that i still struggle with addiction and obsession are to addictions very hard to over-come ,but i've learn't my worth and i see all the beautiful i glow with and yes he broke me down and I BUILT MYSELF UP AND I WON CAUSE i took my power back from the coward ,we all have got to love ourselves cause ppl like jay prey on the weak, i wish him well despite how he treated me my character will always be respectful i was brought up by a wonderful mom who taught me that
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Old 04-13-2012, 07:32 PM
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Red flags when talking on the sense of when in a relationship with an inmate, no matter how long or how short of time you've known them...

are they doing anything to better themselves?
classes? educating themselves in any way shape or form?
Are they heavy into the jail house politics?
Getting lots of write ups / shots/ additional time
not following rules?
are they not following even the "stupid" rules and then saying how stupid the rule is and if they get in trouble blame it on the prison co's like they are out to get them personally? are they not following even they rules and blaming it on the system that they wuldn't be getting that shot if they didn't have such a stupid rule?
are you maken excuses for behavior cuz he's in prison? Are you questioning his doing certain things to his being in prison? (these are also red flags)

verbally abusing you or taking out ish on you cuz it's been a bad day? and you maken the excuse cuz they are in prison, that they weren't like this before, or that you know it's hard in there bla bla bla.... do you take that ish out on them cuz it's hard out here? if not then your maken an excuse, prison isn't an excuse to act like an asshole to their loved one's! I'm not talking bout it's a bad day and he sorta took it out on you, i feel everyone has a bad day here and there and they don't handle it always the best way and things get took out on your loved one's at times....i think everyone is guilty of thise at least once in their lives lol... but u know the difference, you see it here all the time...
post after post, on "does your man ever do this or that to you, and is it cuz they are in prison"

is he playing emotional games w/you?
How were passed relationships he's been in?
whatever landed him in prison, is he owning up to his own? Is he doing things to insure that he's not going to do the same things again? Or is he sayin he can't wait to get back out and make that fast buck? Is he in cuz of domestic violence and he's still blaming the victom? or is he doing things for himself mentally taking anything they offer to help better himself, and he feels bad for what he's done? If it's he abused an xgf, or xwife is he saying all the negative things bout her, and how horrible she treated him, you kno if he's doing that, and still saying it's her fault...then you are missing a HUGE red flag! believe that!
is he drinking and or using drugs while inside? Are you excusing the fact he's drinking cuz it's legal and you drink also? May seem very silly that oh it's jus a drink who cares? but it goes beyond it just being a drink, it's just a drink right, but it's not legal inside those bars, it's contraband and they are NOT allowed to drink...simple rule to follow..They aren't on vacation, and if it's a vacation for them...thats a huge red flag.
Vaction thinking everyone owes them the world cuz they are in prison "pitty party" for them...they need that drink to escape from the hell they are going thru in there! well they put themselves in there!

Im not saying the guys that work out and enjoy themselves are playin like it's a vacation, they need to release that energy i think and feel that's very important that they stay as active as possible, (you see some women bitching cuz their man is always playing basket ball, working out "how bad can it be when that's the majority of their day" and so forth) well working out being pysacilly active releases endorphines which is very good thing for their sanity! so i'm not meaning along those lines...

do they have realistic goals and dreams for when they get out? or are they constantly saying how when they get out they want time off before finding a job to relax and so forth....while yes it is a huge adjustment coming back out, and while sum do suffer pstd and it's hard to move fwd when they get out, but if they are already focusing on being lazy when they get out that's a HUGE red flag your chosing to ignore!

my mwi xbf had done a lot to better himself, he did alot of thinking bout his future and realistically thinking bout it! He knew nothing was going to come easy coming out. I didn't miss red flags w/him, but we didn't work out! He became a coward in how he ended the relationship, i never guessed him to be one, however at the same time he told me about passed ways he's ended relationships and now i'm thankful for his cowardlyness cuz fact is his norm woulda been to say mean nasty things to sum1 to get them to nvr wanna speak to him again, well he being a coward w/me shows that no matter what he truly cared enuff bout me to not end things that way. I still wish he wouldn't of been a coward, but I'm glad he didn't do what his normal was!

With an xbf that was also an inmate, I made the excuses, i ignored the fact he wasnt following rules, he controled and abused me and treated me like shit...i wasted time staying w/him, i went thru hell staying w/him, things would make your heads spin, i will share it sum day if i can get it down to a post rather then a BOOK lol He's not out of prison yet, his future is going to be prison again! He can't follow even the silly "stupid rules" He's on vacation. Having had been w/an abuser many many yrs ago, I thought i was smarter then letting that happen to me again, it happend over time and he was a master manipulator, so when dealing w/a master manipulator no matter where they reside it's hard to "not see it happening until it's too late"

I know i wrote a lot, but these are things that when ignoring red flags when it comes to an inmate, then of course we all know that there is many red flags when dealing w/relationships no matter where some1 resides!
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our new journey started 12/29/11 - he's outta prison and into hwh!
Job - first day of work feb 2, 12
out of hwh now on home confinement feb 3, 12
now we still wait for a move!!!!
i love n miss mi papi like crazy!
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Old 04-13-2012, 07:39 PM
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I had alot of red flags that I knew they were red flags but chose to ignore. The last one hit me to the core and I had enough. That would be him knowing I work 3rd shift and got home at 8am. He calls me at 11am wanting me to get up out of bed to go send a western union money order to someone because he was in a bind.

yeah right. the only thing he got out of me that morning was a hang up, turn phone off and a kiss my ass, later gator letter when I woke up.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:14 AM
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Pisces gave it to us in the raw and I appreciate that. But the good thing is you came out of it stronger on the other side... Ok if you were so willing to be with the wrong person,,, just imagine how wonderful it will be when the right person comes along. In order for that to happen,, you gotta be willing to stop feeling sad,, stop being in fear and stop being in denial. Your feelings are not a bad thing. When the relationship stops working,, it usually means that someone has grown, someone is now ready to receive more and than the relationship can offer. Someone is ready to be loved, honored, appreciated and treated the way they are suppose to be treated. And it looks like that somebody is you... And if it is,,,, that means you are ready to say goodbye,,, ready to dry your eyes,,, and ready to let him go... GOOD GIRL,, I'M PROUD OF YOU!!!! WAYYYYYYY BIG UPS!!!!
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There is only one man who has ever made me feel as loved as Zachary has,,,that man was my father, for now that he has come into my life and Daddy's gone,,, I am no longer Daddy's Little Girl, I am his WOMAN.


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Old 04-14-2012, 06:41 AM
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Pisces gave it to us in the raw and I appreciate that. But the good thing is you came out of it stronger on the other side... Ok if you were so willing to be with the wrong person,,, just imagine how wonderful it will be when the right person comes along. In order for that to happen,, you gotta be willing to stop feeling sad,, stop being in fear and stop being in denial. Your feelings are not a bad thing. When the relationship stops working,, it usually means that someone has grown, someone is now ready to receive more and than the relationship can offer. Someone is ready to be loved, honored, appreciated and treated the way they are suppose to be treated. And it looks like that somebody is you... And if it is,,,, that means you are ready to say goodbye,,, ready to dry your eyes,,, and ready to let him go... GOOD GIRL,, I'M PROUD OF YOU!!!! WAYYYYYYY BIG UPS!!!!
so many thanxs for your kind words,im single and free of the drama i told my story as a way to help others who might be going through something similiar,i wasnt in a good spot when i started and thought i was and so he recognized this and used it his lost cause some PPL DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE AND OTHERS LOVE TOO MUCH,JAY WILL ONE DAY REGRET ME LEAVING I NEVER SAY HAVING ME CAUSE THERE ARE MANY WOMEN OUT HERE WANTING TO LOVE A MAN AND GET THE SAME TREATMENT,YET AS HIS STAY IN PRISON HUMBLES HIM HIS HEART WILL ACHE I HAVE FAITH IN THAT.I WILL FIND LOVE WITHIN MYSELF TO LOVE OTHERS AND i thank everyone for responding the heart mends when we decide to start healing and my participation on PTO is part of my healing,one day at a time its been awhile but resurfacing the aches and pain is like being put back in the position my strength my lust for living and loving is amazing even to me:thumbsu p:
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