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Oregon General Prison Talk, Introductions & Chit Chat Topics & Discussions relating to Prison & the Criminal Justice System in Oregon that do not fit into any other Oregon sub-forum category. Please feel free to also introduce yourself to other members in the state and talk about whatever topics come to mind that may not have anything to do with prison.

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  #1  
Old 10-23-2018, 12:15 PM
Idahoangel Idahoangel is offline
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Unhappy Having some Bad Anxiety! - first visitation

Sorry I may ramble a bit, as I am a bit emotional!

Hello everyone, I haven't posted much on the site. I am having a rough week this week. I went and seen my fiancé this past weekend in Oregon (Two Rivers) and I live in Northern Idaho (about 4 hrs away). Well a little back story... We have been together 2 years in November. Started out as just friends well we know when he gets out we will be together forever. We both know we want to get married to each other asap, but I am wanting to wait till after he gets out which isn't until October 2025 as of right now. We have been doing the whole writing letters, emails, video chats, and phone calls.
This past weekend was the first time I went to see him, I was a little scared I think of what he actually may think of me. The visit went amazing!! And to describe how it feels now that we have actually gotten to touch and kiss. I have even fallen more deeply in love with him.
Well, since I have gotten home I have broken down crying a lot! It just seems so surreal to me now that I have given my heart to this man. I was engaged in 2004/2005 but my fiancé at that time passes away from suicide and I haven't been able to love anyone since Brandon came along. Has anyone else experienced this after going to visit their loved one? Does the anxiety of it all go away? I probably won't get to go see him again till after winter time because of the amount of snow we get here. And now of course I wonder why I didn't go an visit sooner than now! LOL He was in IMU for 10 months last year or else I would of went and seen him then. I was so nervous to go into the first visit! Now I know what to expect when I go.
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Old 10-24-2018, 04:16 AM
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Yes, someone has felt that level of anxiety. My story is different in that I was going to see my Dad and he was blaming me for everything, so the reason for my anxiety was different at first. But every time I'd leave after visiting, I'd cry my way home.

I don't know if it was anxiety or just ... hurt, anger at the Universe, fear for his safety... could have been any number of things, though I think it all boiled down to knowing he was unhappy and knowing there wasn't anything I could do about it. That helpless feeling.

But I would cry each time I had to leave, and at least at first, the crying may have lasted a day or two before I could stabilize my emotions again. And then I'd go visit him again and it would start all over.

My Dad died four years ago due to cancer. He died in the Pen. When he died, he made me promise to look after "the guys" (friends he'd made inside). "The guys" all tell me that after I visit, they get into a funk too, because for that brief period of time, they get to be "normal" (or as normal as a prison visiting room lets you be). Then the hard reality of prison comes stomping back to them.

So not only is it not just you, but it's them too. It does go away a bit with each visit, and it does eventually become kind of normal, but I was never able to get to where I didn't leave in a little bit of a funk that would carry through the rest of the day. Maybe not tears (tho' sometimes, yes, still tears), but definitely the end of the visit put a damper on my spirits.

Yes, it does get better. No, it never quite feels 'normal'.

But I'm glad you got to see him and I'm very glad to hear that everything went well for you.
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Old 10-24-2018, 08:00 AM
Idahoangel Idahoangel is offline
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Thank you so very much! Means a lot to hear I am not alone. This man means everything to me!
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Old 10-24-2018, 04:48 PM
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I also gave my heart to a man in Oregon I started writing while he was in prison. I only had to wait about a year for him to get out but it was worth it. While he was inside we made it work with letters, calls and messages. It’s scary and exciting at the same time in the beginning it will settle down. Enjoy it!!! I have found the love I have been looking for a long time. If he goes back I’ll wait as long as it takes again.
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Old 10-24-2018, 04:57 PM
Idahoangel Idahoangel is offline
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Thank you Kimmi. That means a lot to hear that! We have been in constant contact for 2 years in November. But this past weekend it's like it's so real now after seeing and touching him!! Lol it's hard to explain, cause it's such a different feeling it seems.
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Old 10-24-2018, 09:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Idahoangel View Post
Thank you Kimmi. That means a lot to hear that! We have been in constant contact for 2 years in November. But this past weekend it's like it's so real now after seeing and touching him!! Lol it's hard to explain, cause it's such a different feeling it seems.
I didn’t meet my man until the day he got out. It was very strange because the voice in the phone and the letters were suddenly a three deminsional real person. It took me about a month to adjust and learn things we couldn’t talk about when all of our conversations had been monitored. He has some time left for sure so I suggest you get slot of support out here.
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Old 10-24-2018, 09:53 PM
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I understand, sureal is exactly the word for the feeling you get when your going back to your life and leaving them behind. I often cry on my way home from visits. Partly from wanting to be with him so badly, partly from knowing how shitty they are treated, partly from the frustration and difficulties with communication (he's not that good at it...but he tries) and partly because I'm just angry that this is our reality! I love him, I do my best to be supportive of him, but this life is extremely difficult. Sometimes I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place..he's the only man I want, and can see myself with, but he's going to be in there for quite some time....... so I take it day by day. I'm sure you will settle into a comfortable relationship and your anxiety will decrease. I wish the very best for you and your LO.
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Old 10-24-2018, 10:09 PM
Idahoangel Idahoangel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hurley123 View Post
I understand, sureal is exactly the word for the feeling you get when your going back to your life and leaving them behind. I often cry on my way home from visits. Partly from wanting to be with him so badly, partly from knowing how shitty they are treated, partly from the frustration and difficulties with communication (he's not that good at it...but he tries) and partly because I'm just angry that this is our reality! I love him, I do my best to be supportive of him, but this life is extremely difficult. Sometimes I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place..he's the only man I want, and can see myself with, but he's going to be in there for quite some time....... so I take it day by day. I'm sure you will settle into a comfortable relationship and your anxiety will decrease. I wish the very best for you and your LO.
Yes it's very surreal!! I had a really bad day with it today, but I talked to him tonight and has calmed me down. I know he loves me and I love him more than anything. I have at least 5 more years of this! But I know he is my one and only!
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Old 10-24-2018, 10:11 PM
Idahoangel Idahoangel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimimi View Post
I didn’t meet my man until the day he got out. It was very strange because the voice in the phone and the letters were suddenly a three deminsional real person. It took me about a month to adjust and learn things we couldn’t talk about when all of our conversations had been monitored. He has some time left for sure so I suggest you get slot of support out here.
Thanks so much!! I am trying to get as much support as I can. I have at least 5 more years till he is released.
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Old 10-25-2018, 06:19 AM
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Quote:
I am trying to get as much support as I can. I have at least 5 more years till he is released.
Have you posted in the "Met While Incarcerated" forum? You can find it here: http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=645

You're certainly not alone in falling in love with someone who is inside. Many people don't understand how you could possibly fall in love with an inmate. The folks in the MWI forum? They all understand! You can get oodles of support and understanding there.
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Old 10-25-2018, 11:48 AM
Idahoangel Idahoangel is offline
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Ginger, No, I did it in here cause he is in an oregon prison.
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Old 10-26-2018, 05:27 AM
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It's fine to post here, as he is in an Oregon prison. I just wanted to let you know that we have an big forum filled with people from all over who met while their loved one was incarcerated (MWI) and those folks can give you a lot of support.

In my case, my father was incarcerated, so I can't fully understand your situation (no more than you could understand mine) - but all the folks in the MWI forum would understand.

Making a suggestion. I strongly urge you to at least go read. Just reading can offer support as well as posting. The main thing about the prison system and support networks is to know that you're not alone. And you aren't.
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