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  #1  
Old 06-21-2020, 11:54 AM
floridagal floridagal is offline
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Question I am just so fed up

My son just turned 27 he has been in and out of jail, prison since he was a teen. Every time he gets on probation he violates and adds a new charge, Now the state of VA is done with him and is giving him 5 years and revoking probation (again) I am in FL but I try to help him it seems like every time I do anything to help him as soon as he gets what he wants (money on tablet, phone or books) he goes right back to acting like a jerk to me- makes me feel like I am paying for him to be able to verbally abuse me! So as of right now(since I just went thru it again with him) I am not taking his calls and I have blocked him on the tablet- tired of getting guilt trip emails and phone calls-I feel horrible for having to cut him off but at some point I have to say enough is enough. Is anyone else going thru this with their adult child?>
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  #2  
Old 06-21-2020, 03:21 PM
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I agree to block him out, at least for a while, but be sure to tell him why. I cut my family out, but they know why. It's their choice to fix it or not. They have chosen not to, and I'm better for it. This is more difficult with a child than with a parent and sibling like me. You have to do what's best and tough love is definitely needed here.
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Old 06-22-2020, 07:22 AM
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Yes. Even tho he is not incarcerated, I got the same.
Its very hard. I try to reach out from time to time but almost never hear back from him. I half way keep in touch with his gf from time to time.
The only recent contact I had with him was in Jan. I got a call from the hospital asking me if he could stay with me for a bit until he recovered. He'd been very ill and went to the dr's. I told the nurse/social worker that yes, I would allow HIM (and him alone not accompanied by his gf) to stay with me until he got better.
I dont think he wanted to do it, but he felt so awful. Still not sure what was going on, if he was ill or coming down off something. (he's an addict)
He stayed with me and slept most of the time, and left of his own accord about 3 days (maybe 4) later.
I felt awful about the whole thing.


My son and yours sound similar. Tho of late with my son, he does not call if he gets thrown in jail anymore. He used to, but not anymore. Only way I know is i check the inmate lock up once in a while to see if he's inside.
It breaks my heart but I cant keep taking his bs anymore. I did give him a few things when he left in Jan. Enough money for bus fare and a small back pak with some food items for him.


Your son is an adult now, and as such you dont have to listen to abuse or be manipulated into giving him money.
Its ok to love them but not like them (as they are now)
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Old 06-22-2020, 11:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by floridagal View Post
My son just turned 27 he has been in and out of jail, prison since he was a teen. Every time he gets on probation he violates and adds a new charge, Now the state of VA is done with him and is giving him 5 years and revoking probation (again) I am in FL but I try to help him it seems like every time I do anything to help him as soon as he gets what he wants (money on tablet, phone or books) he goes right back to acting like a jerk to me- makes me feel like I am paying for him to be able to verbally abuse me! So as of right now(since I just went thru it again with him) I am not taking his calls and I have blocked him on the tablet- tired of getting guilt trip emails and phone calls-I feel horrible for having to cut him off but at some point I have to say enough is enough. Is anyone else going thru this with their adult child?>
It is time for your son to face realty for his actions. Why should you provide him with any of the luxuries while being locked up? You didn't put him there Why pay to get verbally abused? Let him get the feeling of loneliness of being locked up, with no support from you. It will be hard for a while on you. In the long run I think he may see his mistakes.
There are a lot of people inside that would enjoy all the things you do for him. Some have burned all of their bridges also, others their family just don't have the resources help. I bet you in due time you will be getting a letter from him through snail mail. Stay strong stick to your guns. When he comes around to his senses , don't be a blank check for him. Make him earn his luxuries back a little at a time . With the first step of treating you with respect No one has to take shit from any one especially someone locked up. They need you not the other way around.
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Old 06-22-2020, 03:26 PM
GaReform GaReform is offline
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My mother used to say that sometimes we love people in spite of who they are, not because of who they are. It sounds like your son has never hit the bottom where he has to really look at himself for who he is. Our kids count on us to always love them no matter what & they feel safe in whatever they do because our love is unconditional. BUT... maybe now is the time to let him suffer the consequences of his behavior.

While he's incarcerated with food, clothing & a place to eat/sleep might be the time to tell him that he is responsible for his actions. You won't have to worry that he is homeless on the street while you are distancing yourself from him for now. Explain to him that he controls how he acts & you control how you react. He needs to earn his way back to being allowed the privileges of family support. It's not unreasonable to line out some ground rules & phase them in. Phase 1- he shows respect in talking to you, no demands for money or items. In return you can allow him the privilege of calling or writing if you want. Phase 2- more of phase 1 & he shows he's acting mature in his behavior. Then you can discuss allowing him more "rewards" that you decide. Baby steps in allowing him to earn his way back in. If he abuses any of the "rules" then cut back on the contact. Sometimes they have to be treated like children until they can act like adults.
I always say that strangers shouldn't treat you better than family does. So if you wouldn't accept his bad behavior from a stranger then don't accept it from someone who should love you.
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Old 06-22-2020, 03:42 PM
Desertdweller11 Desertdweller11 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by floridagal View Post
My son just turned 27 he has been in and out of jail, prison since he was a teen. Every time he gets on probation he violates and adds a new charge, Now the state of VA is done with him and is giving him 5 years and revoking probation (again) I am in FL but I try to help him it seems like every time I do anything to help him as soon as he gets what he wants (money on tablet, phone or books) he goes right back to acting like a jerk to me- makes me feel like I am paying for him to be able to verbally abuse me! So as of right now(since I just went thru it again with him) I am not taking his calls and I have blocked him on the tablet- tired of getting guilt trip emails and phone calls-I feel horrible for having to cut him off but at some point I have to say enough is enough. Is anyone else going thru this with their adult child?>
I can only be honest, but I mean well. Cut him off. He doesnt respect you. And he doesnt respect you because you have done something to lose that respect. Accept some responsibility for his criminal history, he was crying out for help for a long time. But now, you are continuing to do him a disservice by allowing him to be disrespectful. You need to soul search go talk to a therapist and fix yourself by facing some truths.
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Old 06-23-2020, 01:14 PM
PrayingMama912 PrayingMama912 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Desertdweller11 View Post
I can only be honest, but I mean well. Cut him off. He doesnt respect you. And he doesnt respect you because you have done something to lose that respect. Accept some responsibility for his criminal history, he was crying out for help for a long time. But now, you are continuing to do him a disservice by allowing him to be disrespectful. You need to soul search go talk to a therapist and fix yourself by facing some truths.
wow, thats rather harsh and to continue to brow beat someone thats coming here among strangers for a virtual hug. Not sure, but I dont think youre a mom. Her role as this person's mother didnt 'make' him commit the crime that hes in jail for. Regardless of his upbringing or home life. We all know the difference between right and wrong. I truly think you owe her an apology and I want you to know Im praying for your own emotional pain.

When our babies are placed in our arms minutes after birth there is only pure love. Through it all, through anything.
I would have never thought those beautiful blue eyes staring back at me 27 years ago were the future eyes of an addict. My love for him will never lessen.
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Old 06-23-2020, 01:33 PM
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maytayah maytayah is offline
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The OP is not responsible for her sons behaviour he is a grown man and needs to take responsibility for his own actions. The OP hasnt told him to committ crime he is doing that by himself.
Its very easy for him to blame everyone else whilst biting the hand that feeds him.
When my son was arrested he was the same playing the blame game and sniping at me. I decided that he needed to lay in the bed he had made himself. So I backed off and let him survive on prison food and basics. I wanted him to see the life he had chose so that when he left he would never chose it again. I also wanted to show him that I will not be blamed and verbally abused.
It worked he has been out years and has a good job and respects those who help him in life.
Your son will survive so let him and show him that is entitled to hots and cot but he is not not entitled to treat you with disrespect and expect you to provide luxuries. Life lessons tough love life lessons.
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