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  #1  
Old 10-12-2018, 11:52 AM
Jackie.hdz Jackie.hdz is offline
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Default Advice for relationship problems; husband is controlling

Hello, everyone my name is Jackie and I am married to my husband which been in prison for 2 years. He is almost coming home, and for some reason we have been having the biggest fights we ever had. He calls me more than once everyday and if I’m out gets really mad every time I go to the store by myself, or even somewhere with my brothers. It seems like every time I go out I have to have my mom there just for him to not get upset. I guess that is my fault cuz I listen to him since he’s been in prison, and if I do go out to the store he makes me feel bad for going to the store by myself. I am 21 and the mother of his 2 year old son and I have never once talked to someone else or cheated on him. I am always home and I don’t understand why he still doesn’t trust me. I could have went to school but I didn’t becuz of his trust issues.is there any advice anyone has for me?

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Old 10-12-2018, 12:45 PM
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Girl you are your own person no one should have that much control over your life you should be able to have your own identity in your marriage and not allow him to tell you what you can and can not do you should not be controlled and it is in my opinion only going to get worse once he is home .. I highly recommend that before he does get home set some boundaries some rules for yourself on what you will and will not accept from him it will help you to start forming your own identity in your marriage .. If you want to talk PM me anytime I am here sorry if my advice is harsh it is only my advise but truly I wish for you your own happiness of yourself and not a controlled one ..
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Old 10-12-2018, 12:52 PM
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Do what do would do to any guy who wasn't in prison and acted that way to you. You dump his ass and don't look back. You're worth more than this sadness.
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Old 10-12-2018, 12:52 PM
Jackie.hdz Jackie.hdz is offline
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Girl you are your own person no one should have that much control over your life you should be able to have your own identity in your marriage and not allow him to tell you what you can and can not do you should not be controlled and it is in my opinion only going to get worse once he is home .. I highly recommend that before he does get home set some boundaries some rules for yourself on what you will and will not accept from him it will help you to start forming your own identity in your marriage .. If you want to talk PM me anytime I am here sorry if my advice is harsh it is only my advise but truly I wish for you your own happiness of yourself and not a controlled one ..

Thank you so much, this is really going to help me. We had a big argument today and Iím going to tell him some of these things you mention about boundaries, and I think if he donít understand its time for me to move on. I love him but Iím losing myself loving him.
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Old 10-12-2018, 02:26 PM
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Nice analysis - about losing yourself. That's exactly what he wants. He wants all your time and energy and emotions concentrated on him. Not fair. It's like he wants all your oxygen, and you're left gasping for breath.

I suspect that he was a lot like this before he went to prison, but you hadn't noticed really. You were very young when the relationship started, and you thought that all the attention he wanted, and probably that he gave you, was just how love is supposed to be. It just ain't so.

There's a Lebanese poet named Khalil Gibran, who said in one of his poems "let there be spaces in your togetherness." That's important, really, really important.

Here's the full passage -
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

If you can't have that kind of relationship, then you will indeed lose yourself. He may not be able to embrace that, because his selfishness is too strong, and his understanding of anyone else's feeling too small.

Be careful, too, that he doesn't start to say that you should pay more attention to him than to the boy. Yep, that can happen.

So draw your lines, and realize that you have much growth yet to achieve, in life, in parenting and in loving. You can't do it if you're stuck going nowhere and seeing no-one and experiencing nothing new.
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Old 10-12-2018, 03:32 PM
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Not allowing you to associate with your own family usually takes time, through a number of incremental battles over his attempts to control your every action. The fact that it has already reached that level is frightening. Controlling behavior usually is progressive, going from bad to much worse, so if that is how he behaves even after your warnings, my advice is to get out for the safety of you and your child.
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Old 10-12-2018, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jackie.hdz View Post
Hello, everyone my name is Jackie and I am married to my husband which been in prison for 2 years. He is almost coming home, and for some reason we have been having the biggest fights we ever had. He calls me more than once everyday and if Iím out gets really mad every time I go to the store by myself, or even somewhere with my brothers. It seems like every time I go out I have to have my mom there just for him to not get upset. I guess that is my fault cuz I listen to him since heís been in prison, and if I do go out to the store he makes me feel bad for going to the store by myself. I am 21 and the mother of his 2 year old son and I have never once talked to someone else or cheated on him. I am always home and I donít understand why he still doesnít trust me. I could have went to school but I didnít becuz of his trust issues.is there any advice anyone has for me?

Oh Jeez. You know, everything about this just screams to me "GET OUT!"


Being reluctant to do basic functions like to go the store is a sign that something is very wrong.


And bear in mind, you've also got a 2 year old son you're raising and right now that man is set to be his male role model. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that it's okay to treat a woman like that?


People make mistakes, but to me it sounds like your husband hasn't learned from his.


It's your choice. But please make sure that you have a support network in place, at a minimum, and know your limits on what you'll take from him. I would hope that he will stop when he gets out....but this is just...extreme.


Be well and Bless you.


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Old 10-12-2018, 04:53 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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As others have said, this is extreme. You can't stay in the house all day long. That is not normal. I'm sure he isn't when he was home and did what he wanted when he wanted to.

Step outside yourself and pretend a friend told you the same story. What would your advice be?
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Old 10-12-2018, 06:56 PM
Jackie.hdz Jackie.hdz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
Nice analysis - about losing yourself. That's exactly what he wants. He wants all your time and energy and emotions concentrated on him. Not fair. It's like he wants all your oxygen, and you're left gasping for breath.

I suspect that he was a lot like this before he went to prison, but you hadn't noticed really. You were very young when the relationship started, and you thought that all the attention he wanted, and probably that he gave you, was just how love is supposed to be. It just ain't so.

There's a Lebanese poet named Khalil Gibran, who said in one of his poems "let there be spaces in your togetherness." That's important, really, really important.

Here's the full passage -
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”

If you can't have that kind of relationship, then you will indeed lose yourself. He may not be able to embrace that, because his selfishness is too strong, and his understanding of anyone else's feeling too small.

Be careful, too, that he doesn't start to say that you should pay more attention to him than to the boy. Yep, that can happen.

So draw your lines, and realize that you have much growth yet to achieve, in life, in parenting and in loving. You can't do it if you're stuck going nowhere and seeing no-one and experiencing nothing new.

Thank you so much for this, I never notice but I know I am losing myself. I was a strong women who never let anything stop her, I was independent and got everything I needed on my own. When I got with my husband he wasn’t like this at all but when I got pregnant and quit my job I notice since he had to support me it’s like he was in charge. I didn’t see it before but now it’s clear. So many times that girl wants to come out. I got up and went to a community college not to long ago but I still haven’t told him just cuz I’m afraid of what he will think. I figured all prison husbands were like this ��
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Old 10-12-2018, 07:00 PM
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Thank you so much for this, I never notice but I know I am losing myself. I was a strong women who never let anything stop her, I was independent and got everything I needed on my own. When I got with my husband he wasnít like this at all but when I got pregnant and quit my job I notice since he had to support me itís like he was in charge. I didnít see it before but now itís clear. So many times that girl wants to come out. I got up and went to a community college not to long ago but I still havenít told him just cuz Iím afraid of what he will think. I figured all prison husbands were like this ��
If you stay, you need to have the conversation about roles and expectations on both sides. You shouldn't have to walk on egg shell or be afraid to tell him anything. Get this aired out now before he comes home.

It's not a healthy way to live.
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Old 10-13-2018, 03:09 AM
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This is a toxic relationship which if given the chance is going to get a lot worse if you don't take the bull by the horns and put things back into prospective. If you choose to go back to school to better your life for you and your son, then you should. Don't worry about he thinks, it's past what he thinks. He has no right to tell you what you can or cannot do, look okay where he's at? Hmm it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he wasn't thinking about you when he went to prison. Mija, you do for you and your son, become that strong woman you say you once were. Show your son the right way things should be maybe your husband will learn what a man should be doing. If you need to go to the store, go! You are your own woman. I get mad when a man tries to own me, NOT. I'm a grown ass woman and I've always made my own way and my own mistakes but I've never let a man make my choices for me. I agree with everyone else on here sweetie. Good luck and prayers
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Old 10-13-2018, 06:34 AM
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The saving grace here is that you are only 21. As such, you can dump him and still have a productive life.

Dump him and let him worry about where he will be released to, because it damned sure should not be to you. From what is described, he is a legitimate danger to both you and your son.
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Old 10-13-2018, 07:35 AM
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I really hope you see just how crazy this is. Not going to the store?
Whats next? The doctors office? School for your boy?


No. Not all husbands are like this. If mine was, he would NOT be my husband any longer.




While it might be disappointing for him if he should call while you are not home, its zero reason for him to *get mad*
Besides, using HIS logic.....he's not supporting either you, or his son right now. So what he say does not matter at all.


If it were me? I'd go back to school, cut contact with him and go live a happy, productive life. drop him
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