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  #1  
Old 01-07-2012, 09:11 PM
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Default Feel guilty about making his mother worry

So, unfortunately, I haven't heard from my boyfriend in over a week. They transferred him from DC jail to Rivers Federal Correctional Institution a few weeks ago. He got instantly put in the SHU for a week and called me from an office phone immediately when he got out of the SHU. I haven't gotten a call or letter from him since then (that was 12/29) and I've put about $200 on his books since then. I am worried because last time he was in prison, he called or wrote every single day, multiple times per day. I know he normally contacts me if nothing is wrong. I know it hasn't been that long, though - but you ladies know how it is, when you're used to talking to him, even 2 days without hearing his voice can be scary.
I called the prison this morning but they wouldn't tell me anything.
His mom called me just now, asking me to come pick up some money for his books. I told her about everything, and she started to sound really bothered by it and really worried about it. I didn't mean to stress her out - I mean it has only been less than 2 weeks. But I am stressed out about it so I guess it came through loud and clear when we talked. Now I feel bad about telling her everything.

So my question is - should I have told her everything and just let her worry, or is it better to just keep it to myself and worry on my own until I figure out what's going on? Is it bad to hide something from someone if it's only going to cause them undue stress??
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  #2  
Old 01-07-2012, 09:25 PM
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Omg I know what you mean, I keep in close contact with my bf's mother also but get nervous about telling her things because I know she will worry. But I honestly think its better that you let her know, because that way if something ever is wrong (praying that that is never the case) she cant say "why didnt you tell me sooner?" or both of you can work together to get to the bottom of the situation! Just make sure that as soon as he does contact you, you let her know immediately that everything is OK GL!
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Old 01-07-2012, 09:29 PM
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I don't tell my Mother in Law unless there is a reason to worry for sure. She doesn't handle worrying about him well, she will get COMPLETELY stressed out!! So, he and I have agreed that as long as I can handle it, I will.

When I was staying with her, I told her more for those 2 months. But I live in Maryland and she is in South Carolina so I can't just go around the corner to be there to calm her down. I don't want her stressed when there is nothing she can do about it. She trusts me to call and tell her everything if/when need be.
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:00 PM
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I think it's OK that you told his mom. She should know if you're worried about her son.
Maybe his mom can find out more info from the prison than you (you said bf, so I'm assuming you're not married)?
Hope you hear from him soon.
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:22 PM
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Thanks to all of you for responding.
I think it's probably good that I was honest but I probably shouldn't have sounded so worried about it and made it seem like it was urgent. I should have just said, "Oh, I haven't talked to him yet but I'll let you know." Rather than sounding like I was running around trying to figure out what happened to him. Gosh. You live, you learn.

And yes countryzgirl, I'm just the girlfriend, not his wife... but when I called the prison, they didn't even ask me who I was, they just automatically told me the only info they can give out is if he was there or not, and he is. :-/ They can do whatever they want because he's in a private federal prison and I guess they can make up their own rules when it comes to things like that.
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by BadGrlGoneGood View Post
Thanks to all of you for responding.
I think it's probably good that I was honest but I probably shouldn't have sounded so worried about it and made it seem like it was urgent. I should have just said, "Oh, I haven't talked to him yet but I'll let you know." Rather than sounding like I was running around trying to figure out what happened to him. Gosh. You live, you learn.

And yes countryzgirl, I'm just the girlfriend, not his wife... but when I called the prison, they didn't even ask me who I was, they just automatically told me the only info they can give out is if he was there or not, and he is. :-/ They can do whatever they want because he's in a private federal prison and I guess they can make up their own rules when it comes to things like that.
I'm just the GF, too. No disrespect intended.
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:43 PM
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I'm just the GF, too. No disrespect intended.
Hehehe thanks, none taken.
I made it a point to complain about this issue with him while he was still down in DC jail because they wouldn't let me collect his property since I'm his girlfriend and not his wife. I was like, "Well... you know if I was your wife I could have picked up your property!" I think he got the point but he knows I'm not going to marry him until he gets his self together.
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:44 PM
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Omg his I know what you mean. I'm use to Geting le3 to 5 letters a week and a call every day from him and 1 letter and 1 call a week from my grandfather It has been almost 2 weeks and nothing from either 1 of them and the prison canceled visits this past week I called and they told me they could not tell me and thing because I was "just the GF" so I said well then can you tell me anything about my grandpa and the lady was rude and said wow your in every ones business. I was so shocked. So I just said fine I would have my grandmother call

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Old 01-07-2012, 10:47 PM
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Omg his I know what you mean. I'm use to Geting le3 to 5 letters a week and a call every day from him and 1 letter and 1 call a week from my grandfather It has been almost 2 weeks and nothing from either 1 of them and the prison canceled visits this past week I called and they told me they could not tell me and thing because I was "just the GF" so I said well then can you tell me anything about my grandpa and the lady was rude and said wow your in every ones business. I was so shocked. So I just said fine I would have my grandmother call

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That sounds so frustrating! They act like it would be giving up private information to just tell us if their unit is on lockdown or not. It's so annoying.
I can't believe how rude some of the DOC employees are. She told you that you were, "in everyone's business?" GOSH that is soooo unprofessional!! How do people like that even get jobs?! It makes me so mad.
Well, here's to hoping we all hear from our men A.S.A.P.!!!!!!
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:55 PM
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Lol I know I was shocked she gad to be new I mean its a small prison there are 145 people there every one knows every one one of my best friends it there he is in the hole so I know y he is not written and 2 of my other friends just got out of there my grandfather has been there 12 I grew up in there pretty much. And every one there knows me and my family. That's okay I would have loved the look on her face when the warden called her into his office. He goes to church with my grandma. Lol

But yes I think if I don't hear from him soon I'm going to go crazy. Lol

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Old 01-08-2012, 06:22 AM
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I have told this to others, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. If it's on or near a weekend, just call and say "I'm calling to make sure_______ can receive visits this weekend" sometimes it doesn't hurt to throw in you're coming in from out of town and want to make sure before you make the drive/trip/plane ride! Sometimes they will then tell you if the person is in the hole/lockdown etc. and sometimes they just don't give a crap if you're gonna waste your money coming for nothing!
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Old 01-08-2012, 06:39 AM
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You number might not be on his phone list ye ~ Rivers is a bi slow in getting that done unfortunatly. It took 3 weeks till I heard from Tommy there. What you can do is put money on your phone so he can call collect. The company they use is CTI, that way you can definatly make sure he can get through to you.

Also to speed up the process of visiting, go to the BOP site and print off the visiting form, it is exactly the same as the one rivers uses. You will be able to mail it as soon as you know his case worker. There is a bus that operates from Union station that takes familty there for free on Thursdays to Sundays.

Hope this helps, youll here from him soon, also mail has been really slow there he last few weeks Mail from the begining of December got through this week, so it doesnt always get to them in 3 days.
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Old 01-08-2012, 12:36 PM
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Erics, I will definitely try that even though he doesn't even have his visitors sheet filled out yet and probably will never do one, lol.

TommysGirl, thank you so so so much for that! It definitely puts my mind at ease. My man only has 2 months left to do and he just got to Rivers, so the whole thing just seems like a big mess to me. But I will definitely take all of your advice and go with it. Do you know the name of the bus that leaves from Union Station? It's good to know that there's someone else around here with experience with Rivers. Thanks for helping! I might actually get some sleep tonight before school starts again tomorrow. Is your man still down at Rivers or is he somewhere else now?
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Old 01-08-2012, 12:43 PM
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Erics, I will definitely try that even though he doesn't even have his visitors sheet filled out yet and probably will never do one, lol.

TommysGirl, thank you so so so much for that! It definitely puts my mind at ease. My man only has 2 months left to do and he just got to Rivers, so the whole thing just seems like a big mess to me. But I will definitely take all of your advice and go with it. Do you know the name of the bus that leaves from Union Station? It's good to know that there's someone else around here with experience with Rivers. Thanks for helping! I might actually get some sleep tonight before school starts again tomorrow. Is your man still down at Rivers or is he somewhere else now?
Im not sure on the name of the bus company. You can phone the prison and press the button for the bus line. I gives all the info on it, I havent used the bus but i think you call the company book a seat and then they meet at 4am at the station, they leave rivers at 3pm at the end of visiting. I think im the only person on here other than you that has someone in rivers, yes he's still there. I dont call the prison that often, but you are able to speak to the account manager to make sure his money went in his account. Access corrections is a site that lets you put money in his account straight away and its cheaper than western union. He can put a comsry order in on tuesdays, but it takes 9 days to get the order, so he might not have stamps and paper yet, he would have been given 3 stamps at the begining.
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Old 01-08-2012, 01:18 PM
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Im not sure on the name of the bus company. You can phone the prison and press the button for the bus line. I gives all the info on it, I havent used the bus but i think you call the company book a seat and then they meet at 4am at the station, they leave rivers at 3pm at the end of visiting. I think im the only person on here other than you that has someone in rivers, yes he's still there. I dont call the prison that often, but you are able to speak to the account manager to make sure his money went in his account. Access corrections is a site that lets you put money in his account straight away and its cheaper than western union. He can put a comsry order in on tuesdays, but it takes 9 days to get the order, so he might not have stamps and paper yet, he would have been given 3 stamps at the begining.
Thanks so much for the info. The bus sounds like a good idea since it's free. I don't know if my dude will even be there long enough to fill out all the visiting forms and get everything certified for me to visit but I will try. I just used the Gas Buddy calculator and according to it, it costs a little under 100 bucks to go by (my gas guzzling) car so I guess that's an option too.
I actually used access corrections to send him like 30 bucks just to test and see if it worked, and then I used Western Union to send him another 170. I didn't check to see if he got it but I'm sure he did. Nine days is a long time to wait for your commissary order, I'm sure that has a lot to do with why I haven't heard from him - to be honest, he all ready kind of warned that he probably wouldn't call because he said calls were really expensive and his time was short so we'd just write. But I just figured since it had been so long that he'd hit me to let me know he was straight. But anyway you really helped me a lot, knowing all of this now just puts my mind at ease.
Sorry your man is locked up too. :-/ But it is good to know that there's at least one other person here who can identify with me so thanks for helping out. If there's a way I can return the favor, let me know.
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