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  #26  
Old 05-21-2019, 05:55 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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Dont look at any of this feedback as attacking. Perfect strangers dont want you to get hurt and have had a lot of experience dealing with prison for a while now.

When something doesnt pass the sniff test, they will tell you. We come from all walks of life, but 99.9% on here have each others best interests at heart. Truthfully.
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  #27  
Old 05-21-2019, 05:57 PM
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Youíre probably right. I will get to the bottom of this. Iím going to see him this weekend
If you want to 'get to the bottom of it', I suggest again that you look into his 'story' and see just how accurate it is. There are so many ways to get criminal history now days online... Paid, and free. Most county court systems in the US are online and often have jail records and court records instantly available for free, along with booking pics, etc. All you need is his first and last name. Date of birth always helps if he has a more generic name and it's a big county. You can check most state prison systems, and definitely the federal system for inmate locator / release records / date. Then you have the paid services that'll do a larger search pattern.

All I'm saying is you going to visit him and getting to the bottom of everything will be about as accurate as he is potentially skilled in hustling. If you are intent on questioning him, take mental notes and then verify them after. Don't be afraid to ask about his detailed criminal history, if you haven't already.. Get locations of where he's lived so you'll know where to search. Maybe he's a one-timer, but very few criminals are that.... I certainly wasn't, and I only met a few guys inside I believed were that.

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  #28  
Old 05-21-2019, 06:08 PM
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If you want to 'get to the bottom of it', I suggest again that you look into his 'story' and see just how accurate it is. There are so many ways to get criminal history now days online... Paid, and free. Most county court systems in the US are online and often have jail records and court records instantly available for free, along with booking pics, etc. All you need is his first and last name. Date of birth always helps if he has a more generic name and it's a big county. You can check most state prison systems, and definitely the federal system for inmate locator / release records / date. Then you have the paid services that'll do a larger search pattern.

All I'm saying is you going to visit him and getting to the bottom of everything will be about as accurate as he is potentially skilled in hustling. If you are intent on questioning him, take mental notes and then verify them after. Don't be afraid to ask about his detailed criminal history, if you haven't already.. Get locations of where he's lived so you'll know where to search. Maybe he's a one-timer, but very few criminals are that.... I certainly wasn't, and I only met a few guys inside I believed were that.

David
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Also, when doing a google search use quotation Mark's around phrases you want to be there. It will help weed out the extra information that pops up. Most prisons have an inmate lookup so you can see information that can be used. If he has a phone, he may have active social media. Wouldnt be the smartest idea, but not all of them think through their choices.

You have babies. Protect yourself and them.
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  #29  
Old 05-21-2019, 06:24 PM
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I'm sorry but in my opinion you secretly what to know what this is about. He's a convict it's thrilling and you think he will always have your back....hmmmmm only until he has no use for you or happens to get out and either dump you or you let him come live with you.
I’m sitting here rapidly approaching the two year mark of my MWI husband being home, and you’ve got me trying to think if there really HAVE been any perks to being with a convict.

If we get locked out of the house, he can break back in really quickly.

If I lock my keys in the car he’s really great at using tools to snake them out.

If we didn’t go grocery shopping, he can still make a meal out of nothing.

He takes fast showers and doesn’t mind getting up at 4am for work

I know he’ll always keep me physically safe.

And....that’s about it.

The reality is living life around parole rules, mediocre jobs because no one else will hire him, housing problems because no one wants to rent to a felon, the constant knowledge that any screw ups could lead to a looooong time back in prison, lots of judgement from the outside world. It is far from glamorous. He has plenty of great qualities, but they aren’t remotely related to being a convict.

Glamorizing being with a criminal is a mistake. There’s nothing romantic about it. Look at the person, how they treat others, how they choose to live their life inside. And when you find out who they are, believe them.
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  #30  
Old 05-21-2019, 06:45 PM
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Iím not looking at this feedback as attacking. Like I said I have never been in this situation before so I donít know what to think. I googled him and found his record and it matched exactly what he told me. He didnít lie about it. Heís going to be in there for a long time so itís not like heís getting out next month or something.
I know his ways are not the best and thatís why Iím cautious. In over 6 months I have only visited him 3 times. Heís honest when I ask him questions so far he has been upfront about everything. We talked on the phone yesterday and he told me he doesnít want me to do anything for him. He told me I donít have to do anything. He likes me and thatís why he talks to me. He doesnít expect anything in return. He knows Iím not going to do anything for him. Heís ok with that. He told me he doesnít care and he still wants me. He said if he was not interested in me he wouldnít spend so much time talking to me, etc.

It is very possible that heís grooming me and trying to manipulate me. Iím not stupid. I know I canít believe everything he tells me. Heís charming, attractive and honestly Iím sure itís not hard for him to get women. If heís grooming me he sure is patient because Iím a handful. But time will tell.
I like talking to him and being around him and yes maybe heís not the best choice for a boyfriend. I didnít think I would be into him the way Iím into him. I like him regardless of his ways.
It doesnít mean Iím going to stick around. Iím going to observe, analyze and then decide what I want to do.

Heís nice and sweet to me. Heís never mistreated me. Even when we argue heís really cool about it and Iím crazy I go overboard but he keeps his cool and tries to communicate and resolve the situation. Heís not pushy or demanding towards me. I know there are a lot of red flags and I donít think he will change his ways for me but so far he has done what he said he was going to do. He admitted to me heís been a cheater his whole life and he doesnít do well in relationships mostly because he messes up. He has kept it real. Iím not saying Iím ok with it but he could have lied and he chose to tell the truth. It could be part of his manipulation tactics but I guess time will tell.
Iím going to step back a little and see how it goes.

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Dont look at any of this feedback as attacking. Perfect strangers dont want you to get hurt and have had a lot of experience dealing with prison for a while now.

When something doesnt pass the sniff test, they will tell you. We come from all walks of life, but 99.9% on here have each others best interests at heart. Truthfully.
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  #31  
Old 05-21-2019, 06:57 PM
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I have no interest in being with a criminal. I have never dated anyone that even had a record. I’m a professional and surround myself with other professionals and good people. Meeting him was not planned and believe me I did a lot of thinking before I went to visit him. I told a couple of my friends and they couldn’t believe it. I do like him. I’m not judging him for his mistakes or his past. I know right now it’s not realistic because he’s in there and I don’t really see the real him but I’m not going to let him come live with me or anything like that. He has to prove himself to me before I bring him around my children.
He knows I’m not going to deal with any of that nonsense.

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You know, I agree with what everyone on here has been telling you, he's grooming you, getting you ready to do what he wants you to do. He not only is a player he's a predator in my eyes. You just don't see it yet until you've been lost in his world. Get back on track with your kids if they are your priority, why mess with someone who has nothing to offer you when there plenty of other men out in the free world? I'm sorry but in my opinion you secretly what to know what this is about. He's a convict it's thrilling and you think he will always have your back....hmmmmm only until he has no use for you or happens to get out and either dump you or you let him come live with you. Then you put your family and yourself at risk for who knows what. Yes, there are some good men behind bars who have good intentions but this one doesn't. Yet, it doesn't matter what we tell you and try to help you see the real story, you'll do your thing, tell him you came on this site and everyone was telling you he was using you or will be soon. He'll say don't listen to them...... They don't know me or my intentions! Girl unless you leave this fool alone your going to go on a journey in life that is bound to cause you great grief. Listen to your gut cause all women have that gut instinct that tells us, this isn't right. As to the bragging he's been telling you about those other women OMG that is so sick but those women haven't a clue yet or if they do well I guess they too will see in the end game what it was all about. I know this isn't what you wish to hear but we all can't be wrong, can we?

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  #32  
Old 05-21-2019, 07:16 PM
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Glad you are taking people's advice / input positively. The vast majority of people's comments on your situation, as well as pretty much a countless number of other topics come from those wanting to help each other. Every now and then you get an insensitive jerk or trouble maker that chimes in but are usually dealt with fairly quickly.

You sound pretty level headed and I'm glad you are looking at this with your eyes apparently wide open. It's when anyone mitigates bad behavior and starts to accept it as okay that they are putting themselves in a compromising position. Obviously, this isn't exclusive to jail / prison. Most of us have done it in relationships out here in the world. I know I damn sure have!

Best of luck with him. He could end up being a really good friend or more. We'll be here for you regardless!
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  #33  
Old 05-21-2019, 07:54 PM
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I can be a bit crazy but I would never put my family in harms way
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Glad you are taking people's advice / input positively. The vast majority of people's comments on your situation, as well as pretty much a countless number of other topics come from those wanting to help each other. Every now and then you get an insensitive jerk or trouble maker that chimes in but are usually dealt with fairly quickly.

You sound pretty level headed and I'm glad you are looking at this with your eyes apparently wide open. It's when anyone mitigates bad behavior and starts to accept it as okay that they are putting themselves in a compromising position. Obviously, this isn't exclusive to jail / prison. Most of us have done it in relationships out here in the world. I know I damn sure have!

Best of luck with him. He could end up being a really good friend or more. We'll be here for you regardless!
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  #34  
Old 05-22-2019, 02:19 PM
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It's all well good that you feel you see the real him, I guess all these other women in the When The Relation Is Over how they too thought they saw the real him... i too thought that with my ex. I knew him before he went but not well enough, I guess. I took care of him and yes he came out to me, I too was a professional and also I had done a lot of time. So I know both ends of the spectrum. I got him a job at my company but he got fired. He got other jobs along with other women this went on for a couple of years don't know how many times I kicked him out. During this I also married this idiot not that I wasn't being one too. I risked everything because I thought I could make him into the man he could be. I was a counselor HA couldn't even see what I was doing to myself. Family saw but I didn't I bought a house as far away from everyone cause I didn't want people to know I took him back. Look there's so much more to this but 6 months after getting the house my world dropped I found out that he did something shortly after he got out that was so horrible that affected my family members and yes it could have cost me my job. I was so devastated and so mad that when I confronted him and he lied to me. I told him to leave and things escalated that yes I stabbed his ass, it's best that he got away from me. Oh, I did tell the investigators the same things. It's all in the police report that had I stabbed him and had he not gotten away from me they would be investigating a murder and not the crime he was being charged with. Yeah, I knew him alright thought he was what I wanted in my life at that time. 20-20 is hindsight, my gut told me to leave this fool alone. Hmmmm.....so much for that. I've moved on divorced him, hes doing 28 yrs and looking good doing it. I can't forgive yet maybe one day but not now. I don't live or dwell in it but do try to help others to see what I've seen maybe it will help maybe it won't. All I can say I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this and others have had worse than me. I don't really date now but I'm ok with this. Let me say this I don't work anymore part of the reason is I got so sick and my company closed down. I'm in a much better place now. Just saying keep your enemies close,keep your friends closer. My opinion only, you'll do as you wish and believe what you will. Good luck girl and May God Bless you.
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  #35  
Old 05-23-2019, 12:34 AM
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do you wanna be with a man that uses women for $$$, and incarcerated??! you said you are beautiful, have a good career, and have no problem attracting men... find one that's on your level and wants what you want. send him a nice BIRTHDAY card. you got kids and obligations, he'll be alright!
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  #36  
Old 05-31-2019, 11:48 AM
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Default What’s the longest you’ve been with no contact with your MWI?

I havenít heard from my bf in 9 days now and honestly Iím losing my mind. I called the facility yesterday and they told me they were on lockdown up until Wednesday night. I told them I was worried about him and they let me talk to his counselor. He said he was just with him yesterday and heís doing great. So my question is why isnít he contacting me? I sent him a bunch of emails and 2 letters. I sent the last letter Tuesday so maybe he didnít get it yet or hasnít had the chance to respond yet. But why isnít he responding to my emails? Is it possible they held them during the lockdown? This is just so odd cause last time I talked to him we were in such good terms and he was excited to see me that weekend and then he just disappeared. I was thinking about going to see him this weekend but should I? Maybe he doesnít want to talk to me for whatever reason. I miss him and Iím so lost. My friend says I should wait it out and wait for him to contact me but ugh I donít know if I can wait...
Has any of you been in this situation before?
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  #37  
Old 05-31-2019, 01:15 PM
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During lockdowns, there are no calls. Now that it is over, everyone will want to use the phone. Give it a few days
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  #38  
Old 05-31-2019, 01:19 PM
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Thank you. I will wait and see.
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During lockdowns, there are no calls. Now that it is over, everyone will want to use the phone. Give it a few days
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Old 05-31-2019, 05:30 PM
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Are you referring to the guy who told you that he uses women for money? A position that you morally accept? Is this the guy that said you need to demonstrate that you are there for him? Perhaps your self- professed beauty is not enough for him and your bossy personality has become tiresome? Have you tried putting money on his books and paying for his lawyer?
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Old 05-31-2019, 07:27 PM
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Wow Terese.

Yes, we all read her previous posts and are all aware of her situation. But this question she asked has nothing to do with that.

Spdiva, I would wait till he contacts you.
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  #41  
Old 05-31-2019, 07:50 PM
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Like others have mention to you already. Just wait it out and see what happens. When coming off lock down things can be a little slow and drag until things are back on schedule again. All you can do is wait!!!!! Also, don't over think things you'll only overwhelm yourself.
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Old 05-31-2019, 08:18 PM
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He doesnít want me to give him money. He never asks for anything and he told me plenty of times he doesnít want anything from me. We were friends before we got in a relationship so we are cool. I found out today that he hasnít been getting any emails etc so Iím just going to wait.

I know something is not right because he wouldnít just disappear like that. He would tell me if me not giving him money was an issue. Heís pretty straight forward and open about things. He likes me he has shown me with his actions. Iím not worried about that. Iím just worried about him.

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Are you referring to the guy who told you that he uses women for money? A position that you morally accept? Is this the guy that said you need to demonstrate that you are there for him? Perhaps your self- professed beauty is not enough for him and your bossy personality has become tiresome? Have you tried putting money on his books and paying for his lawyer?
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Old 05-31-2019, 08:20 PM
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Thank you. Thatís what I will do. I will wait. I know sooner or later I will hear from him.
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Like others have mention to you already. Just wait it out and see what happens. When coming off lock down things can be a little slow and drag until things are back on schedule again. All you can do is wait!!!!! Also, don't over think things you'll only overwhelm yourself.
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Old 05-31-2019, 11:54 PM
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Wow Terese.

Yes, we all read her previous posts and are all aware of her situation. But this question she asked has nothing to do with that.

Spdiva, I would wait till he contacts you.
It has everything to do with it.
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Old 06-01-2019, 12:20 AM
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He doesnít want me to give him money. He never asks for anything and he told me plenty of times he doesnít want anything from me. We were friends before we got in a relationship so we are cool. I found out today that he hasnít been getting any emails etc so Iím just going to wait.

I know something is not right because he wouldnít just disappear like that. He would tell me if me not giving him money was an issue. Heís pretty straight forward and open about things. He likes me he has shown me with his actions. Iím not worried about that. Iím just worried about him.
Alright then. Go with what the positive info of his welfare that counselor said. He said the guy was fine. Nothing to worry about.
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Old 06-01-2019, 02:42 AM
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We were friends before we got in a relationship so we are cool.
Listen, I am trying to put this as delicately as I can, and this is not with ill will or me claiming I know this man better than you do...but do be careful, okay? You mentioned you met this man online a few months ago and he has multiple women taking care of him. Just...be careful. It could well be that him not contacting you IS in fact because of the lockdown or other prison related things preventing him from doing it, but I would also at least consider the possibility that he might be busy right now with one of his other ladies OR using this pushing you away tactic to have you chase him, and then be hugely relieved when he finally does contact you - a grooming game of 'hot and cold' to keep you in.

Again, I am just sincerely concerned for you based on what you shared before...but also I am aware that I may be totally wrong about him - just felt I wanted to offer this view as well.... you can choose whether to ignore it or to consider it

To your original question: has any of us been in this situation before? I've known my guy for over four years and through four prisons (nothing to brag about, I know, ha) - we've been lucky in that there has not been many lockdowns during this time....he's somehow always managed to keep the contact going even if he's had to have someone else call me when he wasn't able to do that himself. Situations vary though and sometimes it's just not possible to get to the phones (and your guy's cell phone may have been confiscated and maybe he's facing discipline restrictions generally with his general phone time now).
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  #47  
Old 06-01-2019, 07:23 AM
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Thank you. Yes I thought about that. Like maybe heís playing games or ignoring me on purpose but I heard from someone whoís in the same facility that phones are not working. I think he doesnít have the phone anymore because itís turned off. I tried calling it from other numbers and the phone is off.
He might be on some type of restrictions or who knows. Me and him talk very openly and we talked about the money aspect several times and he says he doesnít care. He always gives me lots of attention and if I want to visit him he will cancel his other visits to see me. Heís very honest about his other situations and thatís why we are cool because we both are honest so thereís no reason for us to have any drama because we both know whatís up. I will wait and see. I think sooner or later I will hear from him. I plan on going to visit him next weekend so I guess I will get my answers then.
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Listen, I am trying to put this as delicately as I can, and this is not with ill will or me claiming I know this man better than you do...but do be careful, okay? You mentioned you met this man online a few months ago and he has multiple women taking care of him. Just...be careful. It could well be that him not contacting you IS in fact because of the lockdown or other prison related things preventing him from doing it, but I would also at least consider the possibility that he might be busy right now with one of his other ladies OR using this pushing you away tactic to have you chase him, and then be hugely relieved when he finally does contact you - a grooming game of 'hot and cold' to keep you in.

Again, I am just sincerely concerned for you based on what you shared before...but also I am aware that I may be totally wrong about him - just felt I wanted to offer this view as well.... you can choose whether to ignore it or to consider it

To your original question: has any of us been in this situation before? I've known my guy for over four years and through four prisons (nothing to brag about, I know, ha) - we've been lucky in that there has not been many lockdowns during this time....he's somehow always managed to keep the contact going even if he's had to have someone else call me when he wasn't able to do that himself. Situations vary though and sometimes it's just not possible to get to the phones (and your guy's cell phone may have been confiscated and maybe he's facing discipline restrictions generally with his general phone time now).
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Old 06-01-2019, 11:47 AM
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Hi there, well he could have written to you even if he has phone restrictions. It sounds to me like he is playing games or he is spending time talking to one of his other women.
He has other women right? Although your special and he doesn't use you like he uses them.
Umm I call B**s**t.
be very careful here, you must put yourself first. You deserve better than to be dragged into his games.
He is depriving you of contact making you worry making you wonder what you have done wrong? Then you will be chasing him and offering him things to win him back? Maybe money for that lawyer he needs?

Look its your choice if you want this player your a grown woman.Just know your worth and have things on your terms. If you are ok with him playing other women then watch he isnt playing you.
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The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to maytayah For This Useful Post:
Francis213 (06-04-2019), reg8 (06-08-2019), Terese (06-01-2019), Zanna (06-12-2019)
  #49  
Old 06-01-2019, 04:15 PM
Terese Terese is offline
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Hi. I'm confused. You had not heard from him, yet, went to visit him. You were told he and his unit were in restraints, so, the visit was cancelled. Continuing not to here from him, you called the prison and were told about a lockdown until just the night before. You then spoke to a counselor who told you he had seen him just the day before and he is doing great. You have now just learned that the phones at the facility aren't working. It would seem that there have been multiple reasons for him to have not seen or contacted you that are arbitrary and beyond his control. Additionally, you have been assured that he is fine.
Restraints, lockdowns, broken phones should be enough to satisfy the reason for no contact.
You also understand that he is fine; so, your concern for his welfare does not seem justified.

What is your question, really? If any or even most of what you have said about lockdowns, restraints, non working phones and a conversation with the counselor is true, you should not be worried at all.
Yet, any who try, no matter how gently or pointedly, to suggest it isn't about all the questionable communication disasters, is dismissed by you as utterly impossible, because the man adores you and always puts you first.

You demand he contact you when he physically can't? You insist you are only concerned for his welfare, when you have been told he is fine?

Last edited by Terese; 06-01-2019 at 04:18 PM..
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  #50  
Old 06-01-2019, 08:21 PM
Spdivasc Spdivasc is offline
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We have never been in this situation before so this is a first for me. He was always able to contact me before. Of course Iím going to be concerned. The counselor could be lying or who knows. What I know is that he always reached out even during lockdowns etc he had before. I care about him so of course Iím going to be worried until I hear from him. Itís one thing if someone tells you heís ok but itís a different thing when you hear it from the actual person. My friendís brother was in prison for 10 years and she told me they would lie to her and her family about her brotherís well being so she told me not to believe everything they say. I really want be 100% convinced that heís ok until I hear it from him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Terese View Post
Hi. I'm confused. You had not heard from him, yet, went to visit him. You were told he and his unit were in restraints, so, the visit was cancelled. Continuing not to here from him, you called the prison and were told about a lockdown until just the night before. You then spoke to a counselor who told you he had seen him just the day before and he is doing great. You have now just learned that the phones at the facility aren't working. It would seem that there have been multiple reasons for him to have not seen or contacted you that are arbitrary and beyond his control. Additionally, you have been assured that he is fine.
Restraints, lockdowns, broken phones should be enough to satisfy the reason for no contact.
You also understand that he is fine; so, your concern for his welfare does not seem justified.

What is your question, really? If any or even most of what you have said about lockdowns, restraints, non working phones and a conversation with the counselor is true, you should not be worried at all.
Yet, any who try, no matter how gently or pointedly, to suggest it isn't about all the questionable communication disasters, is dismissed by you as utterly impossible, because the man adores you and always puts you first.

You demand he contact you when he physically can't? You insist you are only concerned for his welfare, when you have been told he is fine?
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