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Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

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  #1  
Old 05-14-2019, 07:05 AM
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Question Would love to get thoughts on "clicking" with MWI and why it happens

So, IDK. I've been thinking over the past few days. A lot of us seem to "click" with our guys. I wonder why this is. Anyone have any thoughts on why y'all clicked?

I'd love to hear from people who started off as strangers/pen-pals - but this thread is open to anyone and everyone with an opinion. I know many of the MWIs here were introduced by friends or worked in the prison in some capacity, which, is awesome, but it's also kind of a more traditional way to meet someone IMO. (Not discounting it, just saying!!)

It's just kinda crazy to me that I was scrolling through a pen pal website, my MWI caught my eye, I wrote and we clicked. I mean, I'd written to 3 other inmates before I wrote to him, and none of them clicked the way he and I do... idk, does anyone else ever think about why?

So I've got some questions:

-Expand on what "clicking" means to you.
-How long did it take for you to realize you clicked?
-For pen-pals: how many other inmates did you write to before you found the "one" that clicked?
-Have you ever felt this kind of chemistry with someone in the free world?
-Is your relationship with your MWI effortless, or do you struggle?
-Any other thoughts you'd like to share.

For me... my relationship with my MWI is effortless. I mean that's the only way to describe it. Yes, we both put in work to appreciate each other and to do things for the other (short of sending money, I don't send him money, nor do I put money on his phone account - we have Securus so any money I put on an account is for MY number only)... our communication is almost constant, we're always thinking of each other, and somehow, someway, we often know what the other is thinking or is worried about before it's actually said... and we often have moments where we'll write about the same subject, without being prompted by the other. IDK, to me, my MWI is raw and honest. It took me a while to get there (because IMO you have to approach this stuff with caution, especially if you're penpals first), but I finally feel settled and sure. We're going on 8 months of writing in about 4 days here.... and every day is a gift. Communication hasn't lagged once - rather, it's really picked up. Goodness, I could gush on and on, but I'll spare y'all.

Anyway - I want to hear your thoughts ))
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Old 05-14-2019, 08:31 AM
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I didnt meet my lady through a pen pal site, but wasnt truley set up through another either lol....Kind of a mix I guess. She was locked up with my sons mother in county and when I would visit her she would pop on the screen every now and then talking to my sons mother etc. well long story short after his mom got out she totally ghosted me and started using again....So it was all an act and just wanted me to help her and visit her etc. Well some time after she had gotten out, I had a message on the county emailing system from My MWI asking who I was and how I got on her email list....And then we just started talking from there then visits etc. Now that she's in prison we talk on the phone daily, email at least 2-3 times a week and visit in person weekly....We've been in communication for over a year now...And we "clicked" like right away....we've got the same views on life, relationships etc. I know exactly what you mean. WE only just now got into a committed relationship officially, but I've been committed to her since she was in county (just didnt tell her that) lol We have had the same subjects written to each other unprompted also and it is a great feeling to be on that page with someone!
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Old 05-17-2019, 08:16 AM
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I agree that part of the 'clicking' is an effortless quality -- and I also know what you mean about it still being work, sometimes a lot of work (lots of patience with the system, that's for sure). Even a big issue to work through feels like an opportunity to grow instead of an obstacle. So I think part of the click is a spontaneous willingness to put in all you've got, combined with a child-like curiosity about who this other person is. In that set of circumstances, people are willing to be open and vulnerable, and there you go -- big click, at least for me. If you think about it, most of our interactions with humanity at large is guarded, even if it is friendly.

Being physically attracted to the person is important, but I think that can grow. My mwi is 'allegedly' very easy on the eyes, lol, but that was not what made me write him in the first place. Actually, I didn't even know what he looked like. But I liked his open, frank, and honest words, and I'm willing to bet that if he'd turned out to look like Quasimodo, I'd still probably fall in love, albeit perhaps more slowly. Then again, maybe not. I had no expectations when I dropped off my first letter, so I wouldn't have been disappointed.
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Old 05-17-2019, 09:04 AM
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It's almost like with one on the outside, at one point you just know..
I almost think you are overthinking the whole MWI stuff.... it happens or it doesn't and it cannot be forced, just like a fart... don't force it.

I also believe there's a difference when you meet your MWI when you are younger (let's say between 20-30ish) or if you meet him later in (your) life. I'm 54 and I met him when I had just turned 50 and I'm relaxed and my expectations are different now than they were when I was younger. And personally I think it helps. It helps staying relaxed and less worried.
As I wrote in another thread, have your own life, be happy, do what you want and see your MWI as a positive addition to your already good life. Don't put the pressure on him to make your life perfect, you have to do it all yourself. Don't center your life around your MWI or any other relationship. That's too much pressure on you and your significant other. If you do you'll always blame your better half or the situation your are in. It's all in your hands, treat it lightly!
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Old 05-17-2019, 01:58 PM
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I have no desire to gush about my MWI lifestyle. I didnt write to pen pals hoping I would click I just did with a man who had been a platonic penpal for a long time.

I didnt want to chose an MWI life but I have chosen it because my husband is the man I love and the lifestyle comes with him.

He will be home and I cant wait. I could gush about him as a person but MWI nope.I mean I don't want a relationship of letters and phone calls. I don't want to kiss him in front of others in a visiting room. I don't want to spend nights without him but it is what it is right now.

I agree with Mizzy I have a good life, and I enjoy having my husband share it with me despite our limitations.
I dont need him but I want him there is a difference. I didnt need looking after I look after myself and I always have. I didnt need my bills paying I pay them myself, I dont need a protector I can stand up for myself. I just want his love and that is what he gives whichever which way he can everyday.
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Old 05-17-2019, 08:51 PM
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I have a history of addiction/jail time/mental health diagnoses. I am clean and sober, law abiding, and compliant with meds but the general population of women aren't going to go for all that, they would consider it baggage. Similarly, it would be hard for me to relate to many of them... my MWI is in prison and I completely relate to her experiences and am empathetic to the decisions that she made and proud of the lifestyle changes she is committed to making. In my personal opinion, having struggles in life, such as addiction and incarceration, can set someone up to become a stronger person by conquering their bad influences, and I personally find that strength to be very attractive on a deep level.
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Old 05-18-2019, 03:37 AM
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Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
I have no desire to gush about my MWI lifestyle.


I was wondering whether I've just become old and jaded feeling this way...but I'm glad too see you posted this I must say I hate everything about being in an MWI relationship except the man himself whom I happened to meet through this experience. I had a few pen pals before him and I feel I 'clicked' with all of them -- to me the word clicking just means a situation when you get along with someone, have mutual interests and laugh about the same stuff...so basically platonic, and something that could be applied to several good free world friends too. I did not go through my prison pen pals sorta looking for 'the one' (not suggesting that the OP did either but since the term was used here...).

For the heck of it though and because these were the questions asked....here you go:

-Expand on what "clicking" means to you - just getting along with a person like a house on fire, no romantic or sexual reference

-How long did it take for you to realize you clicked?- we got along from the very beginning and discussed many subjects but it was not sexually charged or romantic until after approx. nine months of knowing each other (probably it was lingering beneath after six months or so but it was not spoken about). I liked the guy and thought he was funny as hell, but I was enjoying our friendship as it was.

-For pen-pals: how many other inmates did you write to before you found the "one" that clicked? - I've written with 4-5 people throughout the years and 'clicked' with all of them = found common ground, interesting things to write about. There was no searching going on in the sense that I would've been seeking 'the one', romantically speaking. In hindsight, clearly I must've been open to it as it happened - but I still believe that it is not a good idea to use the inmate population as your dating pool.

-Have you ever felt this kind of chemistry with someone in the free world?- absolutely yes; been crazy in love and also just infatuated/sexually attracted to people in my life before. I would caution anyone thinking that the physical chemistry you feel when you haven't actually met the person is real...it is basically imaginary until you meet the person in flesh and blood. No offence to anyone but really; you can read a lot about the subject anywhere; when we haven't met the person we tend to fill in the gaps with our imagination and that can cause our brain to feel arousal & love...read about oxytocin, for example. Our brain actually does funny things to our bodies when we imagine certain things If you haven't actually met the person....think about it. Not excluding myself from this group in any way: I did 'feel' great 'chemistry' between my MWI and myself during phone talks & letters and couple video chats after we'd become romantically invested and hadn't met yet... but I knew we wouldn't really know for sure until we met in person. Also...it seems that the majority of MWI couples do find the chemistry exists when they meet...so I am not discounting what meaning connecting mentally & emotionally has on the actual sexual chemistry after you've become so close 'on paper' -- make sense?

-Is your relationship with your MWI effortless, or do you struggle?- just like with anything in life, sometimes we struggle, sometimes it's effortless. Sometimes he drives me nuts and we fight like cats & dogs, other times we're blissfully happy and content. I personally believe that if something feels too good to be true, it probably is...life and relationships are imperfect and messy, sometimes really hard too - I just want to put this out there in case someone is reading about the 'effortless' part, thinking there's something wrong with their relationship if it doesn't feel effortless...no, that's human - there are ups & downs, struggles and victories, flaws and disappointments...that's all part of life

-Any other thoughts you'd like to share. - just that these are my thoughts and opinions...so no offence to anyone
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Old 05-18-2019, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
I have no desire to gush about my MWI lifestyle. I didnt write to pen pals hoping I would click I just did with a man who had been a platonic penpal for a long time.

I didn't want to chose an MWI life but I have chosen it because my husband is the man I love and the lifestyle comes with him.
So agreeing with this!! Thank you!
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Old 05-19-2019, 11:01 AM
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I also don't gush whatsoever about my love. On the contrary -- I keep the doors locked to that conversation with almost everyone, since I've found that people are harshly judgmental about anyone having to do with prison. However, I will say that when we first fell in love, I found myself wanting to gush all over the galaxy -- and beyond into the next one. It was this incredible excitement and joy of having fallen in love and wanting people to share in it. I have to say that having to keep a lid on it, and even getting condemned by a friend in the midst of that state, was one of the more painful experiences in my life.

With time, the dizzy-crazy rush of mad love feelings subsided into a more evenly paced state of things, so that now I don't have the urge to shout from the rooftops. Thank God for that! Lol

As far as clicking, I took the OP's question to mean a specifically romantic click, which I think is unique from a more general friendly clicking. It is always a great experience to click with people in the general sense, but a romantic click is in a world all its own. . But perhaps I misunderstood the OP......

On the point of physical chemistry in the flesh: I think that you don't need to be perfectly attracted to your mwi upon the first meeting. The first meeting in the flesh can be jarring, even if your mwi is drop-dead gorgeous, because everyone has little quirks of appearance and how they move and facial expressions that don't come through in letters, calls, and photos. It takes a little getting used to. That's definitely a very unique feature of mwi relationships -- the process is set in reverse: first the opening up of oneself, followed by an encounter in the flesh. It is not the usual order of things, which can be unsettling.
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Old 05-19-2019, 11:39 AM
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With time, the dizzy-crazy rush of mad love feelings subsided into a more evenly paced state of things, so that now I don't have the urge to shout from the rooftops. Thank God for that! Lol
Very true! I was thinking after posting that I should add also that I understand that crazy honeymoon/infatuation period where everything just seems incredible -- so to the OP and others new to MWI relationships: definitely did not mean to diminish your lovey-dovey feelings & gushing about it all

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On the point of physical chemistry in the flesh: I think that you don't need to be perfectly attracted to your mwi upon the first meeting.
Maybe I place too much importance on physical/sexual chemistry, ha! I've always 'known' right away with someone if romance was in the cards or not when on a first date. I've had to wonder a few times if I'm just too quick to 'decide' and have tested this theory by going on a few dates even though there were no sparks on a first date...so in my case it seems I can't force chemistry if it isn't there from the start. Being MWI and living on different continents...if I had not felt what I felt (physically) with my MWI during my first visit....I feel that to me it would've been almost pointless to continue a relationship where I knew it'd probably be another couple of years visiting him, and not having felt any chemistry/been physically attracted to him (he's not perfect, I just think that he happens to be just 'my type' and someone I would have been attracted to in the free world too should we have met in different circumstance)

Of course we are all different though....and what you are saying probably makes sense to a majority of people....
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Old 05-19-2019, 12:53 PM
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Chemistry is a strange thing , its either there or it isn't and it cant be forced. Chemistry can mean different things, it can be how you get along with people I have got chemistry with friends and work colleagues ,we get along well and work well together we are compatible personalities. Then again there are those that are not compatible its no ones fault it just happens and you have to find a way to get along with or work with others in that instance.

There is emotional chemistry in a relationship if you share interests and enjoy good conversation and positive interactions. I dont think you need to have met physically for this to happen.

With a partner there is emotional chemistry and also the physical attraction chemistry.I believe like Sarianna you have to physically meet to know if that is there or not.Its not necessarily about physical appearance it can be a charisma or that certain something that just makes someone attractive to you. It also has to be on both sides.Most MWI seem to find it when they meet sadly some dont.

I have been on dates with some great looking people but there has been no click or chemistry. My husband is incredibly attractive to me. He isnt what I would have thought was my type. However, he has a smile that blows my mind and I love the way he throws his head back and laughs. He is perfect for me and our physical chemistry is great.

Is our relationship effortless , well we can talk for hours we make each other laugh we like the same things and find the same things funny so in a way yes.

However a marriage or relationship is like an empty bowl you dont get anything out of it unless you put something in it. You need to fill it full of love committment, effort, attention ,support, joy and companionship. Those things can take effort a good marriage or relationship that lasts takes effort. It doesnt just happen it is what you make it.

Sometimes we argue sometimes we have had a bad day and we fight. That is to be understood we are both big enough to apologise and we try not to leave it on cross words. That is normal for us our relationship isnt perfect just as we arent perfect we just normal people who love each other.

We live in a throw away society if things arent perfect we replace them we dont try and repair or mend. Well sometimes relationships need to be mended and that is now I see it.
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Old 05-20-2019, 08:20 AM
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With time, the dizzy-crazy rush of mad love feelings subsided into a more evenly paced state of things, so that now I don't have the urge to shout from the rooftops. Thank God for that! Lol



When does it settle down because we just hit 8 months a couple days ago and every day I discover something else that throws me deeper into being in love with him... I will say that despite the giddiness, I do feel more settled/evenly-paced/sure of what we have. It took a little while, and I was cautious at first (mainly in part to horror stories and what friends have gone through) but I've never felt so sure lately due to some other outside stuff. IDK how to explain it.


Quote:
Sarianna: I just want to put this out there in case someone is reading about the 'effortless' part, thinking there's something wrong with their relationship if it doesn't feel effortless...no, that's human - there are ups & downs, struggles and victories, flaws and disappointments...that's all part of life

Absolutely true - I hope I didn't make anyone doubt what they have because what I have is so effortless. Don't get me wrong - we've gone through some small trials, but we always talk about them calmly, without accusing the other, and it makes us stronger in the end. It's truly refreshing and just... really fulfilling.



Ugh here I go gushing again!!! LOL btw I only gush to people who are in this situation and a couple "tweeps" on twitter through DMs. I did kinda gush to my real-world friends but they don't get it... :/
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Old 05-20-2019, 06:59 PM
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When does it settle down because we just hit 8 months a couple days ago and every day I discover something else that throws me deeper into being in love with him... I will say that despite the giddiness, I do feel more settled/evenly-paced/sure of what we have. It took a little while, and I was cautious at first (mainly in part to horror stories and what friends have gone through) but I've never felt so sure lately due to some other outside stuff. IDK how to explain it.
You don't want to know, lol. In my case, it took a solid three years. Two of them in the throes of infatuation, and one year post-marriage, too. Even now I'd probably gush to some willing ear, but things have become overlayed with other experiences and a deepening of the bond that comes with time.
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:50 AM
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You don't want to know, lol. In my case, it took a solid three years. Two of them in the throes of infatuation, and one year post-marriage, too. Even now I'd probably gush to some willing ear, but things have become overlayed with other experiences and a deepening of the bond that comes with time.

Sometimes I have to wonder if things seem so perfect because we talk maybe 2-3 times a week for 30 minutes each time, and we video visit with each other 1-2 times a week for 55 minutes each time. Then of course emails and letters come and go (emails more frequently)... but of course it's perfect. I have wayyyy too much time apart from him to idealize him and us LOL, ya know?


But it's nice to see you had at least 3 years of gushiness - and I'm sure y'all talked wayyy more than I am right now!!
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Old 05-21-2019, 07:42 PM
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Sometimes I have to wonder if things seem so perfect because we talk maybe 2-3 times a week for 30 minutes each time, and we video visit with each other 1-2 times a week for 55 minutes each time. Then of course emails and letters come and go (emails more frequently)... but of course it's perfect. I have wayyyy too much time apart from him to idealize him and us LOL, ya know?


But it's nice to see you had at least 3 years of gushiness - and I'm sure y'all talked wayyy more than I am right now!!
I think what helped things to flutter down to the ground -- ever so gently, haha! -- were marathon in-person visits. I'd visit for four or five days in a row, six to seven hours each day. This, on top of letters and phone, so yeah, that will tend to bring in an element of everyday-ness. I remember feeling shocked and disappointed that we wouldn't have much to write during the time (and a little after) of visits. Like, omg, really?! We're all talked out?! Fortunately that's a temporary pause (I've learned since).

Enjoy the gush factor.

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Old 06-08-2019, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
I have no desire to gush about my MWI lifestyle. I didnt write to pen pals hoping I would click I just did with a man who had been a platonic penpal for a long time.

I didnt want to chose an MWI life but I have chosen it because my husband is the man I love and the lifestyle comes with him.
Ok I'm only 2 months into this and who knows what will happen but this. So. Much. This. I fell into this accidentally because I live with his mom and she asked me to write to him so he'd have someone to talk to besides her. I wasn't looking for anything and he just wanted a friend (male OR female). Just someone to talk to). If I had a choice, I'd choose someone on the street. It just so happens this guy I was asked to write to is amazing.
I'm glad others agree.
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Old 06-08-2019, 06:08 AM
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Originally Posted by ILLINOIS.PAL View Post
Sometimes I have to wonder if things seem so perfect because we talk maybe 2-3 times a week for 30 minutes each time, and we video visit with each other 1-2 times a week for 55 minutes each time. Then of course emails and letters come and go (emails more frequently)... but of course it's perfect. I have wayyyy too much time apart from him to idealize him and us LOL, ya know?


But it's nice to see you had at least 3 years of gushiness - and I'm sure y'all talked wayyy more than I am right now!!
This has a name. It's called "The Honeymoon Period".

scientificamerican.com/article/what-physiological-changes-can-explain-honeymoon-phase-relationship/?redirect=1
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