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Coming Home Dedicated to discussions about our loved ones that are coming home soon. Discussions here should not fit any other category.

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  #1  
Old 05-16-2019, 10:29 PM
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Default LO released soon what’s it like

Does anyone have any experience with their lo getting out of prison, what it’s like for him psychologically? I think the first thing is seeing family and kids then the whole process of getting stable financially work housing. I was reading in another thread about insecurities around their performance/sex stuff. After being celibate for so long. If it were me I feel like I would want to have sex right away. I hope this is not insensitive to people that are waiting for a while still, I just wanted to see if anyone had any experience with it. I didn’t see a forum where I could pose this question to people that have been incarcerated
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Old 05-17-2019, 12:05 AM
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It was a tough adjustment for my husband. Anxiety over not providing, being successful, readjusting, etc. And the ride home was hard after not being in a car for so long. He threw up. We had to stop. The electronic monitoring was really tough on him, and his parole agent was horrible. He ended up going back in on a violation
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Old 05-17-2019, 12:10 AM
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It was a tough adjustment for my husband. Anxiety over not providing, being successful, readjusting, etc. And the ride home was hard after not being in a car for so long. He threw up. We had to stop. The electronic monitoring was really tough on him, and his parole agent was horrible. He ended up going back in on a violation
I’m so sorry that’s really hard
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Old 05-17-2019, 12:15 AM
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It was a tough adjustment for my husband. Anxiety over not providing, being successful, readjusting, etc. And the ride home was hard after not being in a car for so long. He threw up. We had to stop. The electronic monitoring was really tough on him, and his parole agent was horrible. He ended up going back in on a violation
Can I ask do you guys have kids? I’m wondering if that would change things for anyone
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Old 05-17-2019, 12:37 AM
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Yes, not with each other though. That was another stressful area for him, getting reacquainted with them. Dealing with the moms, they want money ASAP of course. His guilt over missing a year of their lives... and now this violation.... he’s gone for 2 years over the ankle monitor we’re having a very very hard time right now unfortunately. When is your LO coming home?
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Old 05-17-2019, 01:12 AM
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The first 2-3 days out of prison are strange. In the cognitive/mental sense, your mind is thrown into a sudden state of shock and there's this
..awakening or new acknowledgement where freedom is concerned that's somewhat dream like. A part of you questions whether or not it's real. Often we'd have dreams in there about one of you or past free world experiences, people, places or things. When you wake up in there faced with the reality that it's just a dream....it's mildly devastating. Subtle moments in the quiet of the night when your guard is down and the deepest most inner part of your being are faced with a harsh reality that hurts upon getting out of prison your defense mechanisms don't want to let go of their hold on one's sanity. In the beginning, the first 2-3 days you know that you're free but it's almost like you're living in a dream that the mind is afraid to accept for fear that it's not real.
It's best if possible to chill out for 2 WEEKS AT HOME AND DON'T DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN GET ACCLIMATED or used to being free. Some of us get out and unknowingly we want everything back in 15 minutes that we lost in the time away.
Intimacy......some of us are always ready, willing and able....some of us are slow coming out of the gate. More times than not he won't know where he's at with that issue until it happens. All of us react to change and a new environment in our own way. If he's not into it and lacking, it just means he's wrapped too tight in the mental/emotional sense. Petting and lots of foreplay sometimes do wonders.
If he's antisocial, silent, withdrawn, depressed all the time food...comfort....the quietness of freedom are hopefully the remedies that'll bring him back to life at some point. Alot of times these are the guys that were abused or bullied inside. They don't have anything left to come home with because of what they were put through in there. With them the lights are on but no one is home. God help them...they need it.
The first time he cheats on you....the first time you notice that other apples on the tree in the garden attract his eye even when he hopes you don't suspect it......thats when you realize prison was too easy for him....it didn't really change anything.....he's a boy caught in the body of a man.....he still has some painful moments of learning ahead of him.
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Old 05-17-2019, 11:33 AM
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I'm going to caution that you're going to want to take a long view approach to this.


Yes, there's nervousness and anxiety and anticipation for a lot of the firsts. Seeing family members and possibly children. Intimacy is obviously a big one.


But in some ways the initial release is the easy part. Everyone's happy. Everyone's focused on the inmate finally being home.


The hard part is down the line. After a while, the inmate becomes to many like a toy that can be put on a shelf. We're no longer focused on making sure they're okay. "Its been two years, what do you mean you still have problems?"


With Dee, the post-prison problems weren't with initial release. They came months afterward. Now coming up on 2 1/2 years post-release, I can tell you that her life is not any better than it was before prison and she's slipped back onto the path, at times, that got her there. She's gone missing twice. The romantic aspect of our relationship is over and I'm not even sure at this point if a genuine friendship will ever be salvageable.


To be clear, this is one experience. The outcome we have doesn't reflect on the outcome you may have. But the overriding point is, whether your relationship succeeds or fails, regardless of how smooth the post-release days are in the beginning, there are going to be issues. The only thing you can do is love and support them.


Ultimately, their success is going to be on them. Your success is going to be on you. Maintaining perspective of the fact that, at the end of the day, you are both individuals with your own needs and wants, I think, will go a long way toward helping get through those harder times.


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Old 05-17-2019, 01:25 PM
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I'm going to caution that you're going to want to take a long view approach to this.


Yes, there's nervousness and anxiety and anticipation for a lot of the firsts. Seeing family members and possibly children. Intimacy is obviously a big one.


But in some ways the initial release is the easy part. Everyone's happy. Everyone's focused on the inmate finally being home.


The hard part is down the line. After a while, the inmate becomes to many like a toy that can be put on a shelf. We're no longer focused on making sure they're okay. "Its been two years, what do you mean you still have problems?"


With Dee, the post-prison problems weren't with initial release. They came months afterward. Now coming up on 2 1/2 years post-release, I can tell you that her life is not any better than it was before prison and she's slipped back onto the path, at times, that got her there. She's gone missing twice. The romantic aspect of our relationship is over and I'm not even sure at this point if a genuine friendship will ever be salvageable.


To be clear, this is one experience. The outcome we have doesn't reflect on the outcome you may have. But the overriding point is, whether your relationship succeeds or fails, regardless of how smooth the post-release days are in the beginning, there are going to be issues. The only thing you can do is love and support them.


Ultimately, their success is going to be on them. Your success is going to be on you. Maintaining perspective of the fact that, at the end of the day, you are both individuals with your own needs and wants, I think, will go a long way toward helping get through those harder times.


-Eric
Thank you for this, I was hoping you would reply to this thread I know you have some personal experience and good insight

He seems really scared and excited. But he’s spoken of the fear more recently. Hard for me to understand that I’d think he’d just be excited. I’ve just tried to support him and be positive. Also not to analyze our relationship I think we’ve put off doing this until later down the line.
He has a big extended family that all want a piece of him so to speak when he’s released and a lot of friends. He told me he just wants to see his kids when he paroles and spend time with them. He was a single dad and a really good one up until his incarceration I know he feels bad about that which he should. That sounds harsh but we’ve talked about this kids #1. It seems he wants to lay low the first week or so maybe more. We have plans a couple weeks after so I’m trying to give him space (we live in different cities, typically we’d spend a few days together cohabitate lol when we see each other)

I guess I just can’t understand why someone would be nervous apprehensive not just excited. He’s been in for a year

Clearly there are so many things that are unpredictable. I know his character pretty well I feel like he’ll be alright but who knows. It’s interesting to hear other people’s experience on both sides of the experience. All I can do I guess is he loving supportive but also continue to live my own life my friendships, relationships, work, hobbies and try to better myself for myself.
It is scary to hear how so many people go back to prison maybe can’t deal with the outside world. He’s said that people on parole can be punished unfairly like for a ticket and end up back in prison. I told him that’s bs don’t buy into that that he’s going to go back it’s the prison system that’s how it operates. They want you to believe that, the whole dumbing down. But I really don’t know

Thanks again for this

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Old 05-17-2019, 02:01 PM
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What I’m wondering about intimacy is i guess it’s different for everyone. He’s a young guy has a high sex drive but I see the tension in his body, he seems nervous at times. I mean, for anyone to have no physical contact in a positive loving way for a year beyond a brief hug and brief kiss and a hug at visiting I can’t imagine going through that. So I guess I’m wondering what to expect or how people normally experience that. I think for me just go slow, play it by ear. I feel like prison is dehumanizing in a way because there is no positive touch, other than violence not coercive sex I guess. And I know when he was younger, he was sexually abused

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Old 05-17-2019, 05:09 PM
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It's one more thing that will require some getting used to again. Everyone is impacted differently by prison, and recover from it at their own pace.

I was told I would melt down the first time I encountered more than one brand of toothpaste on a store's shelf. The advice had absolutely no meaning to me, but apparently some folks have experienced it. I did have an issue when reacting to an encounter with an aggressive citizen, and was disappointed with myself over how I reacted. I did much better the next time something similar happened.

Your Son will learn the things he may have to work on, but they will be unique to him, and impossible for you to predict in advance. He will continue to succeed, just as he did in prison.
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Old 05-17-2019, 06:33 PM
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The release from individual to individual is very different when coming home from long bid prison/jail.

When my uncle was released about a month ago from serving a very long, long bid over 20+ years. The outside was weird to him and he would find himself sleeping on the floor. When he was in prison he would sleep on the floor. He told us that he was sleeping on the floor and a guy saw him and thought he was dead. Nothing wasn't wrong with him at all he just wasn't used to sleeping in an actual bed. He has questions about everything and the only improvement he was able to adjust quickly to was eating real food again and wearing actually clothes without being in prison uniform daily. A lot of things scares him and have him confused. My uncle went in when he was young and came out in his late 60's the world has changed a lot from how it was to him before he caught his case. He's taking it a step at a time and he doesn't seem too stressed out! He's more happier since his released. He has a long way to go before he can fully adjust again.
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Old 05-17-2019, 06:50 PM
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It's one more thing that will require some getting used to again. Everyone is impacted differently by prison, and recover from it at their own pace.

I was told I would melt down the first time I encountered more than one brand of toothpaste on a store's shelf. The advice had absolutely no meaning to me, but apparently some folks have experienced it. I did have an issue when reacting to an encounter with an aggressive citizen, and was disappointed with myself over how I reacted. I did much better the next time something similar happened.

Your Son will learn the things he may have to work on, but they will be unique to him, and impossible for you to predict in advance. He will continue to succeed, just as he did in prison.
Not my son though partner
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Old 05-17-2019, 11:00 PM
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The release from individual to individual is very different when coming home from long bid prison/jail.

When my uncle was released about a month ago from serving a very long, long bid over 20+ years. The outside was weird to him and he would find himself sleeping on the floor. When he was in prison he would sleep on the floor. He told us that he was sleeping on the floor and a guy saw him and thought he was dead. Nothing wasn't wrong with him at all he just wasn't used to sleeping in an actual bed. He has questions about everything and the only improvement he was able to adjust quickly to was eating real food again and wearing actually clothes without being in prison uniform daily. A lot of things scares him and have him confused. My uncle went in when he was young and came out in his late 60's the world has changed a lot from how it was to him before he caught his case. He's taking it a step at a time and he doesn't seem too stressed out! He's more happier since his released. He has a long way to go before he can fully adjust again.

Thanks for sharing I hope things continue to improve and get better for him
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Old 05-18-2019, 11:12 AM
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My hub was in for almost 6 yrs.
I think he was not very overwhelmed by much, but for sure some things were difficult for him. Mostly due to not knowing what to expect from parole.
And btw......they CAN and WILL try to send you back if they really wanted to.
I think both of us were pretty paranoid, and rightly so. (he's is an rso so parole included classes, ankle monitor and residency restrictions plus alot of other stuff he was supposed to do)
So he's right on that. Any policed contact must be reported promptly.


I noticed with my hub, more caution. Sort of the scared rabbit look if we went to a store. This gradually subsided as he got used to his conditions, restrictions etc.
As to the intimacy issue.......I think I'd let him sort of proceed as he feels more comfortable.


Agree with Firebrand on it not being such a rush to do much. At first its gonna be the things like......getting a drivers license (my hubs expired)
working out a schedule for the mandatory classes he had to attend for parole.
meetings, etc.
Eventually it will all smooth over.
Just go at a slow pace and dont expect everything to just snap back. He was only gone a year, so it may not be to hard to get back into the swing of things.
Good luck
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Old 08-25-2019, 11:00 PM
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My ex served 12.5 years, intimacy was not what I expected, we didn't take things slow at all. My suggestion is take this area super slow - be courted and experience loads of petting, affection, communication and four-play - not just in the moment, but in all you do together.

It took my ex a few days to acclimate 3-5 days - food was taken with serious caution; processed, fried and fatty / greasy foods would upset his stomach. He was unable to drink more than a gulp or two of carbonated or sugary drinks (for about 3-6 months). He washed our underwear by hand and hung dry them over the shower door, for the first month or two. I noticed his posture was extremely straight and he always seemed on guard / paying close attention to entire surrounding, one could easily mistake him for checking out women, but that wasn't the case. He fell asleep early and could hardly ever make it through an entire movie. He enjoyed cooking and cleaning - that only ended once he started doing drugs ((yepp, he went there a little over a year of being free - poor guy)).

He worked, worked hard, saved money, spent time with family, but after a year - prison seemed like a foggy memory. Freedom was beginning to be taken for granted, still very careful not to slip on parole he did well, but as soon as parole was over it was time to hit up old friends, bars, and that easy fast money lifestyle.

We both regretted moving in together so fast - he really needed time to adjust on his own. I simply just wanted to be ripped a new a** hole and not share him - looking back, we used each other to gain what was needed at the time. He ended up marrying a 20 year old Colombian girl, 5 months older than our daughter (20 at the time - he was 39) - he's fallen off the earth of his entire family... but I know him, he's finally living the life he always dreamed of - I don't judge him, I knew better, I had something to prove and complete within myself about him. Our boat has completely burnt, no turning back, ever.

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Old 08-26-2019, 06:03 AM
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My hub was in for almost 6 yrs.
I think he was not very overwhelmed by much, but for sure some things were difficult for him. Mostly due to not knowing what to expect from parole.
And btw......they CAN and WILL try to send you back if they really wanted to.
I think both of us were pretty paranoid, and rightly so. (he's is an rso so parole included classes, ankle monitor and residency restrictions plus alot of other stuff he was supposed to do)
So he's right on that. Any policed contact must be reported promptly.


I noticed with my hub, more caution. Sort of the scared rabbit look if we went to a store. This gradually subsided as he got used to his conditions, restrictions etc.
As to the intimacy issue.......I think I'd let him sort of proceed as he feels more comfortable.


Agree with Firebrand on it not being such a rush to do much. At first its gonna be the things like......getting a drivers license (my hubs expired)
working out a schedule for the mandatory classes he had to attend for parole.
meetings, etc.
Eventually it will all smooth over.
Just go at a slow pace and dont expect everything to just snap back. He was only gone a year, so it may not be to hard to get back into the swing of things.
Good luck
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My ex served 12.5 years, intimacy was not what I expected, we didn't take things slow at all. My suggestion is take this area super slow - be courted and experience loads of petting, affection, communication and four-play - not just in the moment, but in all you do together.

It took my ex a few days to acclimate 3-5 days - food was taken with serious caution; processed, fried and fatty / greasy foods would upset his stomach. He was unable to drink more than a gulp or two of carbonated or sugary drinks (for about 3-6 months). He washed our underwear by hand and hung dry them over the shower door, for the first month or two. I noticed his posture was extremely straight and he always seemed on guard / paying close attention to entire surrounding, one could easily mistake him for checking out women, but that wasn't the case. He fell asleep early and could hardly ever make it through an entire movie. He enjoyed cooking and cleaning - that only ended once he started doing drugs ((yepp, he went there a little over a year of being free - poor guy)).

He worked, worked hard, saved money, spent time with family, but after a year - prison seemed like a foggy memory. Freedom was beginning to be taken for granted, still very careful not to slip on parole he did well, but as soon as parole was over it was time to hit up old friends, bars, and that easy fast money lifestyle.

We both regretted moving in together so fast - he really needed time to adjust on his own. I simply just wanted to be ripped a new a** hole and not share him - looking back, we used each other to gain what was needed at the time. He ended up marrying a 20 year old Colombian girl, 5 months older than our daughter (20 at the time - he was 39) - he's fallen off the earth of his entire family... but I know him, he's finally living the life he always dreamed of - I don't judge him, I knew better, I had something to prove and complete within myself about him. Our boat has completely burnt, no turning back, ever.
Mine had all the same physical ailments when he cane home too. Plus the car ride was very hard he puked multiple times. We only got out grocery shopping once and he was overly aggressive staring at people it was uncomfortable for me. His PO was a mf’er and was def one of the ones to push your buttons to get you to violate. And it worked unfortunately he went back in on a PV.
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Old 08-26-2019, 07:19 AM
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It's extremely difficult, on purpose, especially for folks who just left a long prison sentence. How else would the government be able to scare us with their embellished "recidivism" statistics.

What was your crime? I was late for a meeting with my PO, so be afraid, be really afraid.
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Old 08-26-2019, 11:00 AM
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He washed our underwear by hand and hung dry them over the shower door, for the first month or two. I noticed his posture was extremely straight and he always seemed on guard / paying close attention to entire surrounding, one could easily mistake him for checking out women, but that wasn't the case. He fell asleep early and could hardly ever make it through an entire movie. He enjoyed cooking and cleaning - that only ended once he started doing drugs ((yepp, he went there a little over a year of being free - poor guy)).
Kind of glad you brought this thread back to surface.

Ever since PTO, a lot has made more sense to me and I've found better ways to help my man. My first experience with a man in prison and dealing with post release.

When I met him he was 3 months out from prison from a 2.5. I had no clue his odd behavior was because of prison. Socks in the shower and always being on guard. He went to jail 5 months after release for violation. Spent 4 months in county then sent to rehab. I had to take him hygiene to rehab. He couldn't even tell me what hygiene products he wanted and im so indecisive I know now I was stressing him out asking "what kind?" over and over. He came home, to a new apartment I got just before he came home and it seemed like he didn't even know where to sit. He had a very hard time sleeping and wouldn't shower with me. He would settle for gas station burritos and pork rinds. He was still eating prison food, I later found out.
It took him a couple weeks to have sex. He didn't last long at first and was frustrated thinking something was wrong with him. At times I could tell he just didn't want to cause he seemed embarrassed he wasn't going as long as he once did. I thought something was wrong with me.. Hah.

Few months after rehab and he violated. There was too much baby mom drama and a horrible PO wanting to see him back in. He's already opened up to me about how release is truly a weird state of mind but he knows if it gets hard that he just needs to communicate with me.

I see now why this behavior occurred and I have a better insight on how to handle these situations when he is released again.
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Old 08-26-2019, 12:00 PM
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Kind of glad you brought this thread back to surface.



Ever since PTO, a lot has made more sense to me and I've found better ways to help my man. My first experience with a man in prison and dealing with post release.



When I met him he was 3 months out from prison from a 2.5. I had no clue his odd behavior was because of prison. Socks in the shower and always being on guard. He went to jail 5 months after release for violation. Spent 4 months in county then sent to rehab. I had to take him hygiene to rehab. He couldn't even tell me what hygiene products he wanted and im so indecisive I know now I was stressing him out asking "what kind?" over and over. He came home, to a new apartment I got just before he came home and it seemed like he didn't even know where to sit. He had a very hard time sleeping and wouldn't shower with me. He would settle for gas station burritos and pork rinds. He was still eating prison food, I later found out.

It took him a couple weeks to have sex. He didn't last long at first and was frustrated thinking something was wrong with him. At times I could tell he just didn't want to cause he seemed embarrassed he wasn't going as long as he once did. I thought something was wrong with me.. Hah.



Few months after rehab and he violated. There was too much baby mom drama and a horrible PO wanting to see him back in. He's already opened up to me about how release is truly a weird state of mind but he knows if it gets hard that he just needs to communicate with me.



I see now why this behavior occurred and I have a better insight on how to handle these situations when he is released again.
This is the stuff that worries me. My man is coming out in 6 months after 14 years. I ask him about what stuff he uses and wants and he just tells me to get whatever I think is good.

He talks about sex all the time but I can tell he is nervous about it. I am getting more and more nervous every day about his release. I want him to succeed but I have my doubts.
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Old 08-26-2019, 04:33 PM
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Just know the first times gonna be real fast haha!!!
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Old 08-26-2019, 05:10 PM
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Just know the first times gonna be real fast haha!!!
My guy knows he will be quick but like he says, there is always round 2/3/4
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Old 08-27-2019, 05:08 PM
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It really punches by heart learning of loved ones with good intentions ending up slipping and violating - the transition between prison and freedom is something so difficult, in so many different stages.

Thankfully, PTO has these shared experiences to at help aid in being aware of the signs, voicing fears / concerns and gathering advice.
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Old 08-28-2019, 06:12 AM
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I think some people who are released from prison go through the same fears and anxieties. However, as in life, life situations are not the same for everyone.


My husband did a little over 20 years on his first bid. I educated the hell out of myself on how to deal with his homecoming. He transitioned out a hell of a lot better than what I expected, but that was his whole plan from the beginning. While he was locked up, he watched the news as much as he could and would read any newspaper he could put his hands on. He read, read, and read some more. That's why he transitioned so well.


However, when someone basically grows up in prison, some may get stuck on the age when they go in. He was ok for a while, but then seemed to want to experience everything he missed as a teenager growing up. He landed back inside after 18 months out.


This time home, he has transitioned well again, but seems to have outgrown his need to be a teenager again. He still does dumb shit by spells, but doesn't want to go back, so he's still home.


There were no children here for him to adjust to when he came home, so that probably helped, but everybody's situation is different.
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Old 08-28-2019, 09:43 AM
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I think some people who are released from prison go through the same fears and anxieties. However, as in life, life situations are not the same for everyone.


My husband did a little over 20 years on his first bid. I educated the hell out of myself on how to deal with his homecoming. He transitioned out a hell of a lot better than what I expected, but that was his whole plan from the beginning. While he was locked up, he watched the news as much as he could and would read any newspaper he could put his hands on. He read, read, and read some more. That's why he transitioned so well.


However, when someone basically grows up in prison, some may get stuck on the age when they go in. He was ok for a while, but then seemed to want to experience everything he missed as a teenager growing up. He landed back inside after 18 months out.


This time home, he has transitioned well again, but seems to have outgrown his need to be a teenager again. He still does dumb shit by spells, but doesn't want to go back, so he's still home.


There were no children here for him to adjust to when he came home, so that probably helped, but everybody's situation is different.
When you say you educated yourself, what kinds of things did you do?
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Old 08-28-2019, 10:42 AM
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What I’m wondering about intimacy is i guess it’s different for everyone. He’s a young guy has a high sex drive but I see the tension in his body, he seems nervous at times. I mean, for anyone to have no physical contact in a positive loving way for a year beyond a brief hug and brief kiss and a hug at visiting I can’t imagine going through that. So I guess I’m wondering what to expect or how people normally experience that. I think for me just go slow, play it by ear. I feel like prison is dehumanizing in a way because there is no positive touch, other than violence not coercive sex I guess. And I know when he was younger, he was sexually abused
Cannot speak for release or post - release or any history of sexual abuse. No history there.

But I can put sex into context. Between being sent off to prison & our first PFV, it was almost 10 mos, so almost a year. My husband is a very masculine guy with a high sex drive. He is the one who always initiated the sexual conversations in the context of prison. He is fine to hug & kiss at visits, but yeah, there are those ounces of tension. Cause you know, invasion of personal space by touching does not really pan out too well in prison.

So, after 10 mos, at our first PFV, he was definitely willing and capable, but there was a nervousness. In that short time — condensed time — we had to take it slow & get acclimated to hands on bodies again. Slow & steady wins the race rather than a rushed embarrassing experience.

A year may seem like a lot but it is less detrimental to sexuality than those serving very long sentences and those now institutionalized. Or those individuals incarcerated young & less sexually experienced. [ NOT comparison of who has it tougher but only perspective of lifetime / lifespan .]

Definitely take things slow and let it all develop naturally. He will know when he is ready. You can be a great friend to his free life by being supportive and knowing if sex may complicate things, just slow down.
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