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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

View Poll Results: Are you ever worried he will be violent with you?
always! 14 5.49%
Sometimes 34 13.33%
only when we argue 12 4.71%
never 196 76.86%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 255. You may not vote on this poll

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  #51  
Old 10-19-2011, 04:05 PM
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Amen to that!!!!!

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  #52  
Old 10-19-2011, 05:35 PM
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I am not worried. I trust him completely. I have faith in my Creator, and he will call me home when he wants.
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  #53  
Old 10-19-2011, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reyna54

I'm not sure why you are on this at all...it clearly states who and what it is for....if u are married to someone that is not an offender for 20 yrs then good for u! but me and the rest of the ladies on here are with offenders and that's why we are part of PTO...to SUPPORT eachother and to make this part of our lives a little easier...so I think I speak for all the ladies when I say ur posts are not needed or respected...u DO NOT understand no matter how long u "study" or "work" at it...u are jus offending a lot of people...we are not here to help u write your book
Amen! My love is considered a violent offender, but had I been put in his position I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing. I never worry about him hurting me more so than any body out in the "free" world.
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  #54  
Old 10-20-2011, 07:38 AM
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Please do not assume that somehow a woman who loves a violent offeneder is somehow defective.Maybe they know a person and not an "offener".
Believe it or not,people can be complicated.
Seems like for someone who will be writing about this,you have a very "closed" perspective.May God open the eyes of you understanding.
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  #55  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:36 PM
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I'm not afraid of my man, or worried that he would harm me in any way. I've known him about 23 years and he's a good guy who got in some trouble some 20 years ago and just can't shake finishing up parole- to this day.

I would like to publicly thank the moderators for going over this thread, over some issues, that we've encountered here for those that have been following this thread over the past day. I must say that the moderators do their job well, so if you have a problem, I can surely tell you don't think twice about alerting them to anything, they are ready to help!

Thanks to all the ladies here, it's nice that we all have each other!

If God be for us who could be against us!

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  #56  
Old 10-21-2011, 01:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by squeakyswife View Post
Do you ever worrry that he might turn violent with you? My man is in there for murder he has a history of losing his temper. Yet none of his charges are against women or children. My friends and family are worried about this. we met while he was incarcerated so i never knew him on the streets. so my question is should I be worried.
I've been married to my husband for many years, and he was convicted of murder.. We've had our up's and down's but it's never gotten physical.. If you're worried that your man might turn violent, then maybe it's time to reevaluate your relationship.. Speaking on my marriage, and no one else's.. I've never been afraid of my husband, before and after we got married, knowing that he has a 187 on his central file.
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  #57  
Old 04-26-2013, 11:09 AM
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The fact that you have to worry means you should. It means you have trust issues with him because no matter what anybody says this should never cross your mind. my man is a VO and i never worry about him being V with me because the only reason he is locked up was because of someone hurting our family!! You have to remember people are always going to have opinions and who we date its just up to us to know how much that person means to us!!
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  #58  
Old 05-02-2013, 06:13 PM
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No, never. We get family visits and you always have that one CO that says aren't you afraid. He is an honorable man and has no violence against woman.
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  #59  
Old 05-07-2013, 04:43 AM
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I have never met my man in person but I do know he is in for murder but not torwards women as a matter of fact the murder happened because his sister's boyfriend was beating her up so my man protects women and I don't worry about him hurting me.
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  #60  
Old 05-10-2013, 06:07 PM
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He better not try to get violent with me. I am not the one. I will defend myself against him (or anyone for that matter) if he ever did. And then he would be history. How can you say you love me then try to hurt me? You are going to end up being the one hurt. If my father did not put his hands on me, I am not going to let any other man do it.
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  #61  
Old 06-29-2013, 07:21 PM
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If I thought that my hubby, who is in for a VO. against a female, would hurt me, I would not have married him. And no I am not afraid of him, like the post above^ said he put his hands on me he might not live to regret it, and that's real talk.

Last edited by wimbushannt; 06-29-2013 at 07:24 PM..
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  #62  
Old 07-03-2013, 10:17 PM
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Exclamation Nope... Not in any more danger than anyone else...

Quote:
Originally Posted by squeakyswife View Post
Do you ever worrry that he might turn violent with you? My man is in there for murder he has a history of losing his temper. Yet none of his charges are against women or children. My friends and family are worried about this. we met while he was incarcerated so i never knew him on the streets. so my question is should I be worried.
I just e-mailed the following to a friend who recently asked a similar question of me. After I sent it, I realized that I finally had my answer for this particular thread, an answer that I've been trying to put together for months. So, here it is (and I hope that nothing in it offends anyone; it's really just MY take on MY situation):

R's history is FULL of physical violence. From when he was a teenager, to during his crimes, to since he's been in prison. However, I still have no fear that he'll harm me. And it's not because I'm a woman or some meaningless (at least, to me) reason like that. It's because not only do I know him and men like him, I also know myself and how I conduct myself around these men.

My brother's history is also FULL of physical violence, and I've seen it personally and have heard tons of stories about the violence involved in his case. I've grown up around people who've later been murderously violent, and so I have a fair amount of sense when it comes to them. I know how they were when they were young, the things that caused them to act violently, I've seen how they've grown and changed, and I know what their "buttons" are now. (Like, "disrespect" is a really big button). And I don't push those buttons. A) Because I'm not stupid and b) because it's not my nature to be disrespectful or to menace anyone anyway. And that's not to say that I move around in fear of anyone; it's just that I personally know better than to, say, publicly and/or repeatedly try to belittle a man (or any person, really) or threaten someone or aggressively invade someone's personal space. I guess any of those things can be "buttons" for most people, but the guys that I'm talking about just react EXTRA STRONGLY when those buttons are pushed on them.

So, yeah, that's it basically. I'm not going to trigger R in any way, but I also know that if I did, it'd take A LOT for him to react in a harmful way. Because of his own personal strength and growth and mindset now, and also, from a more practical standpoint, because violence could easily land him right back in prison...which is a scenario that'll make him think twice. I'll admit that I can't say that he'll NEVER harm me, but I don't think that ANYONE can say that about another person anyway. I can say, though, that I don't feel like I'm in any more danger than any average person.

Edited to add:

I suppose that some people might feel that love will protect them from danger, but I don't count solely on love to completely eradicate a tendency towards violence from anyone who's been violent for the majority of his life. Nor do I rely on the fact that I have a vagina to shield me from harm. That's just me, though. What I do is react to heated situations with a certain measure of self-control, and I expect the same treatment from my partner. And I don't keep anyone in my life who is not capable of using his head, of exercising restraint in his affairs, and of respecting me. I've never been a victim of violence from a partner, and I'm very comfortable believing that if I stick to this game plan, I never will be either.

~ Maushel

Last edited by Maushel; 07-03-2013 at 11:09 PM.. Reason: Last paragraph
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  #63  
Old 07-16-2013, 05:14 PM
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Thank you Maushel. You gave me a lot to think about. This issue about worrying about him getting violent towards me is something I have been asked too, and it's fair question knowing his past. I also agree with you, that you can never be sure that someone will not hurt you. Things happen. People do get mentally ill, for one example. Things happen.

But... If I was worried about him possibly hurting me, I wouldn't be with him. I have never had to face violence in my relationships, and I hope I never have to. In a way I do think like you do, but then again, I am against this idea of not pushing his buttons. If he had a button that could trigger him being violent towards me, I would be gone. I refuse to live in a relationship where I need to worry if I will get beaten if I do something wrong. It's just a big, HUGE no-no. He might leave me for disrespecting me, but beat me? No. I couldn't live with him if I had any doubts about this. I know you didn't mean this exactly, but this came into my mind after reading your post.
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  #64  
Old 07-24-2013, 01:02 AM
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I answered no on the poll for several reasons, J is a VO but never once has he ever raised his hand to a woman or child. I have seen his record and under no illusion of why he is incarcerated. I do trust J he is nothing but respectful to me he isn't controlling or jealous, those would be red flags for me. He has been incarcerated for 18 years, he left the old J along time ago he hasn't had a write up for anything for 13 years. I have be in a DV situation before J many years ago. I know the signs the control the verbal abuse the mind games. I'm older and would hope wiser each and everyone of us have to look at our relationships from the outside as well as the inside, love can blind us too the reality of what's really happening. If I doubted J for 1 second I wouldn't be with him. Just my own personal opinion.
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  #65  
Old 08-07-2013, 04:44 AM
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Nope, he is in for murder, but no. He made a stupid choice when he was a kid.

Early one when we started talking we discussed how to handle arguments/disagreements. We still get mad at each other, but we don't raise our voices. He did hang up on me once.. he was having a bad day and so was I and kind of pushing his buttons. So he hung up and called back and apologized the next day.

I agree with everyone who says if you think you have a reason to be afraid then be afraid.
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Old 08-07-2013, 05:06 AM
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I met my boo a few months before he was incarcerated and there was one incident where we were sleeping and he made a motion like he was about to hit me and told me "not to fucking move" when I tried to roll over(trying to get comfy)... Scared me shitless! We've talked about it since the incident and he apologizes and says he would never hurt me, not to mention we were both on drugs at the time. Although, you must take into consideration the amount of violence inmates are surrounded by on a day to day basis while being locked up. A lot of men can suffer from PTSD(Post traumatic stress disorder). I feel the same way though, I have no idea what to expect when were living together once he's out but if it happens once it will happen again! so never put up with any type of abuse.
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  #67  
Old 08-08-2013, 02:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunflow View Post
Thank you Maushel. You gave me a lot to think about. This issue about worrying about him getting violent towards me is something I have been asked too, and it's fair question knowing his past. I also agree with you, that you can never be sure that someone will not hurt you. Things happen. People do get mentally ill, for one example. Things happen.

But... If I was worried about him possibly hurting me, I wouldn't be with him. I have never had to face violence in my relationships, and I hope I never have to. In a way I do think like you do, but then again, I am against this idea of not pushing his buttons. If he had a button that could trigger him being violent towards me, I would be gone. I refuse to live in a relationship where I need to worry if I will get beaten if I do something wrong. It's just a big, HUGE no-no. He might leave me for disrespecting me, but beat me? No. I couldn't live with him if I had any doubts about this. I know you didn't mean this exactly, but this came into my mind after reading your post.
Thank you, Sunflow, for your thoughtful feedback and for recognizing that I didn't mean that I fear R or worry about R hurting me. Because, in fact, I don't. Not at all.

I shared my above answer with another friend of mine, because I experienced some mixed feelings after posting it. Her feedback was that it seemed that I respect these violent men. I didn't know what to make of that...until I realized much later on that I indeed do. Not because they're violent, but because I know that there's more in them than violence. (I'm not sure whether she meant it that way, but that's my take on it.) I can't imagine disrespecting R, because I wholly respect R, not because I walk on eggshells with him. But if I ever were to unintentionally disrespect him, HE has the "personal strength and growth and mindset" to act differently than he might have in the past. Part of our teamwork involves doing the right thing, even if or especially if our partner isn't acting completely up to snuff. He's definitely displayed his "grown man" mentality in the face of my anger/temper. Maybe it's because I'm typically not hot-headed even when I'm upset, because his self-work regarding keeping his cool has paid off, or because of both. Whatever it is, it works to the point that not only do I not worry, but I can barely even imagine a scenario where we would ever come to blows.

Last thing, regarding "buttons": I wouldn't say that there's any ONE button that could set R -- or my bro or any of the other "calmed-down" VOs that I know -- off. It would have to be a perfect storm of pushing the right (or, rather, wrong) buttons in a certain sequence for a certain duration in a certain environment. No single statement or incident would do it; it would be a complicated maneuver that I don't think anyone with sense or sensitivity could/would put into motion. Maybe that still sounds bad, but to me it just accounts for the ultra-small possibility that something could happen to make them snap/see red. That's a possibility for anyone, though, so again, I'm not worried, scared, or feeling in any way in danger.

* In fact, just as I finished writing this, I wondered whether -- and really this is just an idle thought -- I'm possibly in LESS danger with R than with someone who's never exhibited violence, someone who's never learned his triggers -- don't we all have them? -- and how to handle them. Hmmm...

~ Maushel
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  #68  
Old 08-23-2013, 08:41 AM
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My man and I have only been together for 4 months now, but he does have two VO charges which he did a total of 13 years for. He's been out for 2 years now and has never given me reason for concern. He's the sweetest man when he's with me and always wants me to be safe. His first offense was result of him losing his temper but he has never given me an indication I could get hurt if he lost it with me. Whenever he gets mad, he wants me around because he holds himself accountable to me and makes a tremendous effort to calm down and relax because he never would want to harm me. All I've been able to do is be there for my man, support him when he's in trouble and trust that he's trying to change.
Now, my family and friends are concerned as well, mainly for what his VO's were, but also because he's 11 years older then me. I have explained time and time again to people all the ways he's been an amazing boyfriend and how he acts when he's with me and so all I can hope is that time will change their minds.
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Old 02-06-2014, 01:03 PM
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No, never. Everytime he tells me something like he was cuffed or whatever, I have to laught, because he is such a great decent man that it´s hard for me to comprehend anyone would look at him differently.
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Old 09-07-2014, 08:38 PM
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Our gut instincts don't lie so if something is telling you that there is a problem then you should listen to it now but if not then you will be able to tell and if you feel you can trust him I would say you have nothing to worry about.
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Old 10-04-2014, 12:34 PM
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Not worried. And if he tried or anyone else tried, I would knock them out.

Luckily I've never witnessed violence in my life. I don't let dramatic and unstable people around me or my kid. And I'm firm on setting my boundaries. That's worked well for me so far.
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Old 10-04-2014, 03:30 PM
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Never, I wouldn't be with him if I thought he would be.
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  #73  
Old 11-15-2014, 11:13 PM
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No I don't worry about him being violent w me. I do worry if he came home that how he solves problems in there won't work out here and he would get into it with someone on the street.
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Old 04-14-2015, 01:42 PM
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No I dont worry he will be violent to me. Id kick his ass lol. Mine is violent with men not women he finds that disgusting
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  #75  
Old 04-20-2015, 04:06 AM
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He may or may not turn violent towards u...its not within your control. It's a scary realization tho...
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