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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

View Poll Results: Do you think your violent offender LO is actually violent?
Yes, he is 63 29.72%
No, he isn't 130 61.32%
I am not sure 19 8.96%
Voters: 212. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 11-22-2012, 05:00 AM
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Default Loving violent offender and actually admitting it?

I have seen so many times ladies here telling they are in love with someone considered violent offender, but he is not violent at all. I was thinking, how many of you, who is in love with violent offender actually admits he is violent?

I wonder, if the fear of admitting is because you are afraid people would think he abuse you? Why is it so hard to admit, that your teddy bear could be violent? I know my man, I am not sugarcoating things. I know he is soft with me, but sure is not with other men. He is in control of his actions, but I have no doubt that he has "earned" his status as a violent offender, it's no accident or evil unfair system that labeled him that.

I do believe people can change, don't get me wrong. I also believe, that not all violent offenders are guilty of domestic violence. But can you admit, even to yourself that your violent offender is considered violent for a good reason? I made a poll, so everyone can answer anonymously too.

Edit: Can admins/moderators change the poll question, please? I meant to ask if he is actually violent, not really violent :-)
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Old 11-22-2012, 12:29 PM
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I have seen the aftermath and heard the tales of when he gets into a fight. I know it, ai admit it an honestly it makes me feel safe when he's home cuz I know he can protect me. While he is inside I still feel safe cuz people know I'm his girl and they don't wanna piss him off when he gets home. I am very good fronds with a guy he beat and it was dreadful and it was for sure violent.

I am not scared of him at all. His presence is safe an comforting to me and my kids. I am glad that he currently isn't in on a violent crime right now but I do worry that his status is gonna effect his sentencing on Monday.
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Old 11-22-2012, 11:51 PM
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My ex is a violent offender and I can def. See how they said that. His temper is short and quick. And he can't control it well with me or others. Inside he does control it somehow and has only been to the hole 2x. He is young and hasn't got control over being violent to others vs abusive to family. Since we were mwi I don't know if he was physically violent out here I haven't heard he was but it could be a real possibility. He threatened to "put his hands on me" if he was free and I did what I did while he was locked up. (It was not answering the phone, and I had some of his money) smh
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Old 11-23-2012, 03:31 PM
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My I started writing my violent offender after he'd locked up for over 20 years. I don't think he'd be mean or violent in a domestic situation, and he's never going to get out so I don't even delude myself with thoughts about that, However, he went to prison on a murder 1 charge and then 14 years ago he killed another inmate by beating him to death. He also admits to anger control problems. He's a total sweetheart but I think if he felt he needed to defend himself he would over do it and cause some serious damage to another.
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Old 11-23-2012, 03:57 PM
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Hmmm I find this a really difficult question to answer because whilst my boyfriend is in for a violent offence it's also the first time anything like this ever happened.
So I find it hard to let one incident to define his character. I believe it was an extreme reaction to an extreme situation.
I guess what I'm saying is that I don't consider him a violent person.
I bet anyone not in this situation would say I'm deluding myself and maybe to an extent I am, because lets face it he had a pretty extreme reaction. But I know he's not a malicious person and he would never hurt anyone unless he felt he had no choice!
I'm still resolving the conflict in my own head because it was such a shock to me that the man I had shared my days and nights with, this great happy go lucky guy, who managed to win me over despite being two inches shorter (I gave up heels), could actually commit a violent act. But I realized he still is that guy he just made a very bad choice that will take him away from me for a few years.
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Old 11-25-2012, 11:19 PM
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Great post.. I say YES & NO...
I believe everyone CAN be violent, it's a CHOICE each of us/them make to NOT be.
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Old 12-03-2012, 07:19 PM
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Although mans orginal charges arent violent he is labled and violent offnder, He is nothing but kind and respectful to women ALL women, but if pushed the other side with surface, but isnt that true with anyone? If someone was to harm my sons Id be the voilent offender as well right?
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:14 AM
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My Fiance' is labeled a violent offender but in the situation that happened I am thankful he pulled out the gun because if he didn't he would not be alive today. He did not use the gun and I am also thankful for that. I agree with the above poster, I am not a violent person but if you shall mess with my mom or children then by all means neccessarily I will be aiming to take you out. So I guess I will say my Fiance' and I and mostly everybody else in this world have violent tendencies. I will say my Fiance' have avoided many issues while locked up that I know a violent offender would have not been able to avoid and would have had joy lashing out.
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Old 12-16-2012, 08:03 AM
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My babe is a violent offender too. After hearing about the events that transpired that landed him in prison it can be disheartening to a lot of people. He was honest about all the stolid he's done from the very beginning and I chose to still be his friend. From speaking to his mom and family he has changed for the better. Now I know that a part of him knows what it takes to commit crimes and be a "thug" but a much bigger part wants to live a good life and not cause any trouble.
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Old 12-23-2012, 07:44 AM
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I think everyone has certain times when they might be violent. My LO is in for a violent crime but I don't really consider him a violent person. He's sweet and gentle with me but if pushed to it by other guys then yeah he will go off. But the difference between my boyfriend and some other guys (even other guys I've dated) is that they have serious anger issues where they will flip out at basically nothing and abuse people. My boyfriend would never do that. He's more of a laid back, go with the flow type, unless he's put in a position where it's necessary to step in.
My point is that yeah he did something violent but he's not violent, if that makes sense. He acted in a way any normal human being would, including myself. And no in not ashamed to tell people because it is what it is.
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Old 01-02-2013, 08:52 PM
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My LO is a violent offender, the things that he's told me about leading up to being convicted of aggravated robbery is horrible. But when he tells me about it I can see the pain in his eyes. He can also see how much he has hurt people close to him and he realizes how he has hurt his own life. I’ve watched him closely, and since the years of the conviction he was given the opportunity to do so many great things that I believe that he can do better now, and he has proven that he can stay out of trouble. And he treats me, his friends, and family with the most respect and love.
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:48 AM
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Answers in a conversation with a new co-worker.
Yes, I am married.
Yes I have kids.
4.
20, 19, 11, 9.
He doesn't really work, he's in the pen.
Manslaughter.
.................................................. ..........There's really no way of throwing "But he's a real nice guy" into that. They just have to get to know me well enough to trust my choices. Explaining that he just happened to be in better proximity to a gun in a knife fight than the other guy doesn't convince anyone.
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Old 01-16-2013, 11:36 AM
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Ummm I support his violent offender label deff fits him and really can't hide it and don't try to
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:45 AM
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I believe denial isn't just a river in Egypt, and I've also had to learn that my man has a violent temper and he is where he is at because of that. I still love him and there is so much more to who he is than what he has done.
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Old 03-20-2013, 03:22 AM
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I will admit that I have admitted that I love a violent offender but I haven't really tell people his actually crime I mean they know what he was charged with but not actually knowing who or what really happened because that's his story to tell NOT MINE!!! plus I'm sure a lot of people would look at me like I was crazy to even stick by him but I know his story and why and what really happened.

Do I think my man is a violent man? Anybody can be violent especially when pushed a certain level but I truly believe being behind bars really has made him grow up and become a mature grown man and realize violence only gets you one place - prison or death - His crime and how it lead up to it was due to circumstances and I do believe if they weren't there he would never ever had done that violent crime.

Do I think he'll ever hurt me? I have no idea on that because I haven't been put into that situation yet. Does it scare me knowing he could turn violent on me? No, only because I truly believe he wouldn't ever put his hands on me due to him knowing my past relations and he always told me that's one thing I'll never do is ever put my hands on you!!

Bottom line is if I thought he was too violent for me and I was fearful of him I would have ran for the hills YEARS AGO but here I am

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Old 03-20-2013, 04:31 PM
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I think she's the least violent person I know. She was convicted of murder, but all she did was take a ride with someone to the place where he was murdered. She did not participate in the killing and was in fear for her own life.
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Old 03-22-2013, 06:54 AM
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While the act itself was an accident, his actions leading up to that moment certainly were not. However, I don't believe he is a violent person. And I don't have delusions of grandeur or live in lala land. His actions during the time I have known him clearly shows a man with an ENORMOUS amount of patience.
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Old 03-31-2013, 06:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunflow View Post
I have seen so many times ladies here telling they are in love with someone considered violent offender, but he is not violent at all. I was thinking, how many of you, who is in love with violent offender actually admits he is violent?

I wonder, if the fear of admitting is because you are afraid people would think he abuse you? Why is it so hard to admit, that your teddy bear could be violent? I know my man, I am not sugarcoating things. I know he is soft with me, but sure is not with other men. He is in control of his actions, but I have no doubt that he has "earned" his status as a violent offender, it's no accident or evil unfair system that labeled him that.

I do believe people can change, don't get me wrong. I also believe, that not all violent offenders are guilty of domestic violence. But can you admit, even to yourself that your violent offender is considered violent for a good reason? I made a poll, so everyone can answer anonymously too.
My baby is a violent offender. I'm not in denial about it and it's no accident either. He earned that label through his own actions. However he is now at a point where he has realised how wasted his life has been with prison time and that fast paced "street life" and genuinely wants change. It isn't gonna be easy on him changing a lifetime of bad habits and trying to work on different ways of dealing with situations but if he puts the work in he will see better results.

He told me this stint has been his hardest for several reasons...he's older now and realising how much he has missed out on being there, I have come into his life and he hasn't had that kind of love and support before now and he is just tired of this life. I am truly proud of him he hasn't had any write ups, is working and has taken every class available to help himself make changes to his life and thinking pattern. Th true test for him will be when he gets out and somebody gets in his face or pisses him off I guess.

I have no fear of him. Even when I have truly pissed him off he hasn't flipped out but talked through it and let me know he's angry. I do worry about how he will handle certain situations though. We all know that some people will just get in others faces and start trouble and I have worries about how he will react in one of those type of scenarios once he comes home. We've talked a lot about it.

Anyway though I see many posts that seem to be in denial almost and though I'm definitely not proud that he is a violent offender I can admit that he definitely has violent capabilities when pushed.
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Old 04-26-2013, 11:26 AM
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oh yes my man can be very violent when you threaten his family!! But he doesn't walk around like violent person like being a violent offender sounds like.
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Old 04-26-2013, 11:36 AM
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Yes he is.. well can be!
Which is hard to believe til you see him get that way.. because honestly he is a big ole kid, really soft lol but don't tell him I said that.. he is though..
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Old 04-29-2013, 07:49 PM
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I'm married to a violent offender. I worry a lot about how he will be when he get's out. He does not look for trouble, but he's not one to back down from it either. We get family visits and I can remember my first one the CO asking me if I was afraid that he may kill me. I just looked at him like he was crazy. Do they really think these men just have no tenderness in them. My husband has no violence against woman period. It's not him.
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Old 05-01-2013, 02:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonnysWmn View Post
I'm married to a violent offender. I worry a lot about how he will be when he get's out. He does not look for trouble, but he's not one to back down from it either. We get family visits and I can remember my first one the CO asking me if I was afraid that he may kill me. I just looked at him like he was crazy. Do they really think these men just have no tenderness in them. My husband has no violence against woman period. It's not him.
I understand how you feel. I know he is not looking for troubles either and he can avoid them pretty well in advance, and has never been violent towards kids or women.

When we had our visit, and he was escorted back to seg, one CO asked him who was I? He told him, and this CO said: "She doesn't know your background then, huh?". So it's not just about if they have tenderness or love in them, also people think no one should or could love them, because they are considered violent.

I know he has shown me the side of himself no one has ever seen, not truly.

What this all has taught me is to open my eyes and to be humble, because we are so quick to judge, me included, and we might not have a clue about truth. Even if we did, everyone is tittled to be loved and love, no matter who or how she/he is.
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Old 05-02-2013, 05:31 PM
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Sometimes I think we like the excitement of being in love with a violent offender and knowing they are not that with us, we love them no matter what they are in for and we will be there for them forever. We love them. Yes, i know my man done wrong but I don't love him any less.
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Old 05-06-2013, 02:22 PM
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My Core has gotten into fights sense the violent act that has put him in prison and came close to catching another serious case. But he's older and wiser now!
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:47 PM
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I know mine can be violent if need be but he is also a good guy and don't want to be that way again. I love him but I wont say that he is innocent at all. He don't claim to be.
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