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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

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  #1  
Old 03-15-2006, 12:59 PM
MurphyGirl MurphyGirl is offline
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Default Are you the only one standing by your Violent Offender?

I have for the most part, been the only one to consistantly stand by my husband for the last 20 years. He's had family members/friends come back into his life only to leave again when they are tired of dealing with the prison system.
I was wondering if any of you have help with supporting your VO? Or are you the only one to consistantly be there for them?


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Old 03-15-2006, 01:36 PM
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Most of the time its just me. His birth father died before he was born,his Step-dad?~the only guy he's ever known as a dad is so far gone stuck in a bottle of booze,that he never writes or asks about him.Although he did attend his trial with me.His Mother,who I still claim as my Mother isn't in the best of health,writes occaisionally,but she does make sure he's on the prayer list every Sunday. His ex-girl friend writes sometimes and has gone to see him 2 times,and she did go to his trial with me.None of his friends have written him in years. He calls my birth mother and she'll accept the calls sometimes.Mainly those calls do nothing but upset him cause she complains about me,and if I'd have been a better Mother he wouldn't be there now! Everything is always my fault~and that gets to him so he only calls her occasionally,just enough to keep her happy. Any money he gets comes from me.Thats why for his birthday,and other holidays I go wild and send as many cards as possible so he has something to try and keep the depression from taking over.
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Old 03-15-2006, 01:56 PM
MurphyGirl MurphyGirl is offline
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Chicklet! That's too bad your Birth mother has to be that way.....why place blame at all?
Right now my guys Mom is back in the picture. She is doting on him like crazy, sending him money every month and buying him things he wants.....
I have a feeling she's going to get tired of doing that and she'll be gone again just like she has done in the past.
She has a tendacy to do too much for him and then she becomes resentful like he is using her or something.
I sense a change is coming and she's about to blow up and start accusing him of being selfish and demanding.
I just wish that he had one consistant person, other than myself to count on.

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Ann
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Old 03-15-2006, 02:01 PM
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I have a cousin who started writing him when I did. He helps send money and writes, just not as much as me LOL. I consider him and his wife a blessing because we are the only family my brother has who are interested in being in touch with him. and of course my husband who had only met him once many years ago and that was just to say hello. My hubby has been very supportive, considering it was a violent crime he never hesitated to support me in getting in touch and in helping him out.
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Old 03-15-2006, 02:14 PM
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I am the only one who is going thru this with him.. his parents *adopted* half the time could give 2 rats ass about what he is going thru.. His birth parents .. no one knows what happened to his birth father .. and his birth mother left them in and his brother and sister in an apt when they were 3,2,1 and kept in touch only to make them feel bad about themselves.. she had 3 more kids and sent a pic to them wehn they were about 6,5,4 saying that her new kids were better than them and the only one she would ever claim. When my sis in law got preg she went to find her birth mom and the birth mom told her she should have an abortion cuz all the baby would do is ruin her life like she ruined hers.. so i pretty much dont even consider her ..

I am the only one that does anything for him .. my family prays for him all the time ..
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Old 03-15-2006, 04:10 PM
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e_wife!!! OMG!!! What a horrible thing for a Mother to say to her children.....I feel sorry the ones she chose to keep......they are the ones who are suffering!!!!


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Ann
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Old 03-15-2006, 05:59 PM
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Its just me! His brothers and sisters who live in NY jas never been for a visit since he went upstate. hardly ever drops a letter in the mail, and if I call and ask for something then they act like its a huge inconvience for them, So I have stopped all contact with his family, His mother is in Honduras and she is a lot older and it would probably kill her she knew he was in prison so she has no idea. But it makes me sad that they are in NY and they have never been by once to see him, although I am in SC and I try to write him on a daily basis and I have driven all the way up there to see him. If I lived in NY I would try to go at least once a month, I don't understand it. Thats your blood. as far as his friends they ask about him but never write, and I always try to encourage them to drop a letter to say "hey whats up?" but never. I kind of feel bad for him and he says it doesn't bother him but I know it has to be killing him to be thousands of miles away from the only people you really know in America people who you thought would be by your side and no one is there. Its ashame that it has to take something so bad to happen for them to know who really loves them. I'm sure his family loves him, I just wish they would show him that. He needs it.
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Old 03-15-2006, 06:19 PM
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Just me and my family for my cousin. His family is all deceased, his mom died last year while he was incarcerated, and she had nothing to do with him anyway.
We are the last of his family. We ARE his family now.
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Old 03-15-2006, 09:15 PM
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Although his grandmother prays for him, I am the ONLY one who stands by him from start to finish. It is a shame how his family members abandoned him when this happened. He was so giving of him self and they just turned their backs like he was a stranger.
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Old 03-15-2006, 11:04 PM
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Thankfully, no I'm not. He has a few family members and friends that have stood by him.

I think a number of people get frightened when they learn that someone did something that we deem violent. Instead of trying to understand the circumstances and behavior, they avoid the person.

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see how people act towards him when he's out of prison
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Old 03-16-2006, 05:36 AM
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Thankfully I am not, His grandmother sends him money, and writes every week. His mom writes and sends money when she can. He has two little brothers that she is trying to keep afloat. His has 2 or 3 friends from high school. I am the only one who gets to visit. His grandmother is in PA and once he gets contact visits, she will come down to see him. Its to hard on her seeing him through glass.
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Old 03-16-2006, 04:44 PM
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Bunnyrun, it is indeed sad when people turn their backs, where is the compassion? I bet some of them are christians too!
Robs, he is very lucky to have so many people on his side.
Penwife, my hat goes off to you, you have been there girl!
e-wife, so sad! Thank God for you.
Chicklet, your son is one lucky guy to have you on his side, and I am sure he knows it.
I think you are all remarkable people and I know God blesses you every day.
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Old 03-16-2006, 04:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atalie
Bunnyrun, it is indeed sad when people turn their backs, where is the compassion? I bet some of them are christians too!
Robs, he is very lucky to have so many people on his side.
Penwife, my hat goes off to you, you have been there girl!
e-wife, so sad! Thank God for you.
Chicklet, your son is one lucky guy to have you on his side, and I am sure he knows it.
I think you are all remarkable people and I know God blesses you every day.
Don't cut yourself short there Sis!! Your Brother is lucky to have you too! LOL!!!
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Old 03-16-2006, 05:06 PM
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Well he has loving parents and siblings however, they live in another state and it is very difficult to take off work and travel to see him. They do accept his calls though and remember him with money at Christmas and also his birthday.

None of them enjoy writing though and although they say they will write the letters are few and far between. Like months sometimes close to a year.

The only one my husband can truely count on is me. If I tell him something, I follow through with it. If I tell him I will try, he knows I will give it my best, but there is no guarantee.

I do write everyday just about and I do visit each week and I also talk to him about 2-3 times a week. I send him money when I am able to do so. He eats as good as he can on visiting day. We are allowed to bring in 20.00 each week and it usually gets eaten up. I am thankful for the days I come home with zero in my bag, at least I know he is eating good for one day.

So all and all I think I am very supportive of him all by myself.
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Old 03-16-2006, 05:22 PM
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Im the only one pretty much I write him just about every day and as soon as i get approved to go see him I will be there as much as I can. His mom she has been hooked on drugs for about 7 years now but has gotten worse since he has went to prison because her son is her life she writes him here and there always says she is going to send money but never does. his younger sister writes him but she cant give him any money because she is only 15 and she has to take care of herself. his older sister talks about how much she misses her "bubba" but he has been in prison for 4 months and she has wrote him 1 letter has not made one attempt to go see him she tells his mom to tell him all the time she is going to send him money but she never does and he has no other family so me and his daughter is all he really has and his family gets upset when he says that but thats the truth
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Old 03-17-2006, 01:37 AM
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His grandpa keeps in touch with him a little bit, as much as possible. His mom always says that she will write to him. She never does. He has a little sister that is in a very abusive relationship and doesn't keep in touch with him. She was 12 or so when he went in. Between his grandpa and me I think we are the closest to him. His mom likes to party. She isn't in good health and his grandpa's health is far from good. The life he had when he was growing up wasn't all that great. His grandpa raised him most of his life. I really do wish that his mom would take the time out to send him a letter. He always sounds so hurt when he says he hasn't heard from her. He has his hopes up that she will change. Right now there is a restriction on his grandpa's phone. It has happened just since he went to arizona, so I will see what I can find out and what his grandpa has to do to get that taken care of. His grandpa is an awesome man and I am so afraid something will happen to him and my honey won't get to see him again.

Wow some of you have had it so hard. I am glad that your loved ones have you to keep them going!! You are all angels (now chickle and atalie....don't let it go to your heads)
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Old 03-17-2006, 08:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atalie
Bunnyrun, it is indeed sad when people turn their backs, where is the compassion? I bet some of them are christians too!
Robs, he is very lucky to have so many people on his side.
Penwife, my hat goes off to you, you have been there girl!
e-wife, so sad! Thank God for you.
Chicklet, your son is one lucky guy to have you on his side, and I am sure he knows it.
I think you are all remarkable people and I know God blesses you every day.
Chickletone: You are right. They are christians. Need I say more?
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Old 03-18-2006, 11:38 PM
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he has me as his main support, and maybe 2 or 3 other people that also support him coming home and doing good, but no one like me to really be there for him and provide for him.
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Old 03-22-2006, 06:44 PM
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NO, Thankfully Jonathan has a huge family and all of them are very supportive (in their own way). His mom, stepdad, dad and grandparents take care of his quarterly packages and his brother and sister writes when they can (in between work), his aunt's write and keep him updated on the family gossip (so to speak) and me well I go up to visit at least once a month and I write at least three times a week. But his family is completely incrediable and I think we would both be lost without them. I'm thankful everyday that not only does he have them but I do as well. They make his time (8 more years) easier for me because of their support. I would say we're blessed!!
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Old 04-15-2006, 04:36 AM
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No, his family is also standing by him. I know that he couldn't go through this without me though.
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Old 05-12-2006, 11:05 AM
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My tbear has his family from time to time, but I seem to be the only one who is ALWAYS there. His mother hasn't visited him in like 10 or 11 years -- his aunt and uncle visited him a couple of years ago (the first time in about 9 years.) It seems to be really hard for them to pick up a pen and write a note to him. I don't think he's heard from his mom in a few months now. It makes me mad because they seem to have time for everyone except him -- and he really needs it. But he tells me it's ok...he's used to it. :-(
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Old 05-12-2006, 12:13 PM
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His sons write occasionally, visit only once in a while. His mother isn't receiving his mail, or else she isn't writing back ( she went into a nursing home- long story there) His brothers have no contact with him ( figures because one of them stole everything he had and sold it for himself)
He is okay, he is used to this by now
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Old 05-19-2006, 10:56 AM
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I'm so grateful that O's mom/dad/sis/ just about everyone in his fam is there for him and look out for him. They don't visit hardly, they leave that to me. But they always talk on the phone, send him money, packages, whatever he needs. They help alot which is a good thing for both of us.
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Old 05-20-2006, 02:12 PM
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yep! just me and our daughter. and she just got around to really being into writing now that his time is short. we don't blame her at all. it's not real to kids when their parent is away, it's really hard on them, so they fill their lives with what is real, tangible and here and when time is not 15 years away (which they can't put into perspective at 4 and 8 years old...) but shorter- 2 years... then they can really understand that.

his mom will accept a call or 2, his aunt offered her home as a place to parole to. nobody visits except us. well mom has gone twice in 12 yrs. (he's 3 hours away) and aunt once or twice i think. we've been countless times.

hm.
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Old 08-22-2006, 01:17 PM
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It is just me and kids who are 12,9,and 4. We send $ whenever I can aford it.
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