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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 12-06-2017, 10:57 PM
Malaysia212 Malaysia212 is offline
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Default How can I heal and get over him when I’m there for him as a friend?

Hello Iam new here and need help . My ex boyfriend or boyfriend I donít know what to call him has been locked up for about a year now and he will go to court soon to get sentence . Prior one week before he got arrested i found out he was communicating with another women ( this is the second time ) and this broke my heart and destroyed me . i told him we could continue to live together until he gets on his feet but being with him i just couldnít do it .

Now the next week he gets arrested and calls me . Long story short since heís been locked up i have been there i Contribute to his lawyers fees give him money for Commissary visits him and try to the person who motivates him n be positive. I do all this stuff because i truly love him and what to make sure he is okayyy and he wonít worry

sometimes i cry at night because iam here for this person but this is the person who stole my heart and stomped on it. Any other woman would have said fuck him let the other chick he was talking to let her hold u down. How can i heal and get over him when Iím there for him as a friend


When he gets release on parole he will come back to my home my question is can we live together as friends ???? From the bottom of my heart i just want him to get on his feet and not worry and get his self together I canít be with him he hurt me . But i also know when he get out whenever heís gonna wanna have sex and Iím going to be horny but itís like I canít do it bc im gonna be opening up my wound again

Help please Iím lost, weak and emotionally dead
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Old 12-06-2017, 11:28 PM
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Can you live together as friends? No. As much as you’d like to believe you are holding him down as a friend the truth is you are with him not as a friend but as someone still invested in the relationship. Honestly I think you are setting yourself up for heartache but I don’t know him and just know what you posted. You are giving your hard earned money away to someone who cheated on you just a week before he was locked. My gut tells me he will ride that out as long as he can. I truly believe that when people make posts like this they already know what they should do. I think you do too.
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Old 12-06-2017, 11:58 PM
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N'uff said... AndyS is on point.
Stop sending money and stuff and move on.
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Old 12-07-2017, 04:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Malaysia212 View Post
Hello Iam new here and need help . My ex boyfriend or boyfriend I donít know what to call him has been locked up for about a year now and he will go to court soon to get sentence . Prior one week before he got arrested i found out he was communicating with another women ( this is the second time ) and this broke my heart and destroyed me . i told him we could continue to live together until he gets on his feet but being with him i just couldnít do it .

Now the next week he gets arrested and calls me . Long story short since heís been locked up i have been there i Contribute to his lawyers fees give him money for Commissary visits him and try to the person who motivates him n be positive. I do all this stuff because i truly love him and what to make sure he is okayyy and he wonít worry

sometimes i cry at night because iam here for this person but this is the person who stole my heart and stomped on it. Any other woman would have said fuck him let the other chick he was talking to let her hold u down. How can i heal and get over him when Iím there for him as a friend


When he gets release on parole he will come back to my home my question is can we live together as friends ???? From the bottom of my heart i just want him to get on his feet and not worry and get his self together I canít be with him he hurt me . But i also know when he get out whenever heís gonna wanna have sex and Iím going to be horny but itís like I canít do it bc im gonna be opening up my wound again

Help please Iím lost, weak and emotionally dead
Why put yourself in this situation? It sounds as though you have trust issues with him, how will those go away once he is sentenced? They won't and NO I do not believe you can have intimate feelings and a relationship with someone and then try to be "just friends". Once someone has lost my trust, it never comes back 100%, as I always question whether they are being honest with me.

Take a break, relationships are more than just sex, I would like to believe that you want more than FWB. From the bottom of my heart, you need to let him get on his own feet, as you are NOT responsible for him getting his shit together, that's his job. Your job is to get yourself together, take a break and move on without him.
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Old 12-07-2017, 05:27 AM
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If your still in love with him you can't love live together and just be friends. Best thing you can do now is starry to distance yourself from him and eventually cut all ties
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Old 12-07-2017, 07:39 AM
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What's more important - to heal or to support him?

Once you answer that, you'll know which direction to head. If healing is your primary goal, then stop supporting him. You're teaching him that you'll take anything no matter how awful and still hurting yourself in the process.

If your primary goal is to support him, then I don't know what you'll be able to do about healing.

You need time away from him to heal. Later you may be able to resurrect a friendship, but certainly not for at least a year.

I say that from experience. A couple of years ago I was about to be homeless, and was offered a place in their home by an old boyfriend's girlfriend. He and I had had a 13-year relationship, and they have had one from about a year after we split, up to now, about 15 years.

Mind you, we are all older adults and emotionally stable, but it is doable over a long term, definitely not in the early term.
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Old 12-07-2017, 11:34 AM
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I'm in a similar situation. What I've learned from lurking on here and making one or two posts myself is that I have to let go. I'm also dancing between whether he's my boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. He spoke to plenty of girls while we were together, telling me it was all online so it meant nothing. I've stood by him for his first year incarcerated, but I'm either angry or scared all the time. Angry when I think about how bad those 10 months were prior, and scared of what our future will be like once he's out in one year from now.

I'm not suggesting we're in exactly the same situation, and what is good for me may not be what is right for you. But for my own personal health, and for that of our daughter's, I know I have to let go. We couldn't live together as friends.
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Old 12-07-2017, 12:33 PM
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Your not standing by him as a friend you still love him and your clinging on hoping he will change and you will get your happy ending. However he wont change he will be happy to take your money and string you along.
Walk away get your head straight and look for someone else who will love you and treat you with respect.
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Old 12-07-2017, 05:00 PM
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Baby let him go and Iím gonna be honest. Let the other woman support him. If you keep enabling him to do these things to you he will bleed you and your heart dry. Let go!!!!!
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Old 12-07-2017, 07:56 PM
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You can't.
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Old 12-07-2017, 08:09 PM
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I tried to be a supportive friend to an ex - boyfriend. The original reason why I found / came to this site. Supportive in all ways [helping him find a job, manage being on parole] but it turned into a bad relationship without an official title. Finally, I had to come to my own senses and cut ties cause he would continue to use me as I made myself available.

The first person you need to support is yourself and this situation you speak of is not good or productive for you. Let him go, take care of yourself, follow your own paths and if you can support him platonically, then support him later on. You cannot heal if you keep picking at what hurts.
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Old 12-09-2017, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malaysia212 View Post
Hello Iam new here and need help . My ex boyfriend or boyfriend I don’t know what to call him has been locked up for about a year now and he will go to court soon to get sentence . Prior one week before he got arrested i found out he was communicating with another women ( this is the second time ) and this broke my heart and destroyed me . i told him we could continue to live together until he gets on his feet but being with him i just couldn’t do it .

Now the next week he gets arrested and calls me . Long story short since he’s been locked up i have been there i Contribute to his lawyers fees give him money for Commissary visits him and try to the person who motivates him n be positive. I do all this stuff because i truly love him and what to make sure he is okayyy and he won’t worry

sometimes i cry at night because iam here for this person but this is the person who stole my heart and stomped on it. Any other woman would have said fuck him let the other chick he was talking to let her hold u down. How can i heal and get over him when I’m there for him as a friend


When he gets release on parole he will come back to my home my question is can we live together as friends ???? From the bottom of my heart i just want him to get on his feet and not worry and get his self together I can’t be with him he hurt me . But i also know when he get out whenever he’s gonna wanna have sex and I’m going to be horny but it’s like I can’t do it bc im gonna be opening up my wound again

Help please I’m lost, weak and emotionally dea5d
You can't get over him until you let him go completely!!
Cut all ties with this no good man!! Of course he's gonna want to have sex and you too, all it takes is one touch one kiss...you need to move on, you're just wasting time and energy.. he's not gonna change.. and you already know this

Last edited by Fredslady5; 12-09-2017 at 06:02 PM..
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Old 12-10-2017, 01:46 PM
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You won't be able to get over this guy if you don't distance yourself from him. It's great that you want to see him be OK, but he wasn't thinking about you when he cheated on you. It sounds like he's using you. You're setting yourself up to be hurt again. Distance yourself and pray for him. God will send someone else to help him.
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Old 12-11-2017, 01:34 AM
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All advice here has been stellar. Going ďno contactĒ is best; if you stay in touch with him youíll never be able to fully separate from him in your head or heart. (Resuming sex with him could result in another pregnancy .. not what either of you need .. any future kids you have should be with ďMr. Right,Ē not this creep.)
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Old 01-31-2018, 04:50 AM
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Why do women do this to themselves?? You can't change him, or make him love you
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Old 02-03-2018, 05:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malaysia212 View Post
Hello Iam new here and need help . My ex boyfriend or boyfriend I don’t know what to call him has been locked up for about a year now and he will go to court soon to get sentence . Prior one week before he got arrested i found out he was communicating with another women ( this is the second time ) and this broke my heart and destroyed me . i told him we could continue to live together until he gets on his feet but being with him i just couldn’t do it .

Now the next week he gets arrested and calls me
. Long story short since he’s been locked up i have been there i Contribute to his lawyers fees give him money for Commissary visits him and try to the person who motivates him n be positive. I do all this stuff because i truly love him and what to make sure he is okayyy and he won’t worry

sometimes i cry at night because iam here for this person but this is the person who stole my heart and stomped on it.
Any other woman would have said fuck him let the other chick he was talking to let her hold u down. How can i heal and get over him when I’m there for him as a friend

Help please I’m lost, weak and emotionally dead
I've never been emotionally weak to the point i didn't know what to do if a guy like him mistreated to the point of yours, and betraying you with some other chick.I am not 1 to wonder what to do with a situation like that. I also would know to leave/not look back. Keep him wanting' wishing he was with me, but ended up with some 1 who clearly has nothing over me, nor can compare to me. I would just GO and not look back at all because i know what i deserve in life.
-
Chica, so i send u a hug tonight.I can tell its bothering you, you're confused but don't be. The answers are right in front of you.
-
I always knew when it was time to say adios and NOT look back after getting also some therapy and i began to realize my true worth." You deserve better.
-
I see you're only posting, one time. You're not returning?I will still leave a msg.,for you, through a post.
-He stomped, and treated you so bad. Why in the world would you think of still "letting him live with you til he get on his feet?"Let some 1 else have this headache disrespectful no good man and move on."Let him be some 1 else problem. You're going to have to be strong/get strong/learn how to simply say NO and move on to a greener pasture without being at ANY level too involved or involved at all with a man who can do this to you. He is the one who will keep "winning and shall benefit"from your "friendhsip"more than you, so move on, pray on it, GOD shall bless you when you are doing what you know "deep down" you should be doing and that is to not be his friend."

-I feel when it's over, chica?It's over, no turning back, that is how i feel and it works for me,after years of bad relationships(2) of them over 10 yrs ago and i am strong and an astute woman who will never let ANY man again stomp on mi heart, (using your word) or use me,to a point of me feeling so weak and emotionally dead(using your words again.)PM me anytime,and i hope by now you're realizing you truly DESERVE HAPPINESS and LOYALTY, & RESPECT and i don't believe it'll happen with a man like that. Hugs and Blessings.Adios.
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Old 02-04-2018, 03:55 AM
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I agree with what most of the other ladies have said - cut contact and move on. I have tried being friends with a couple of ex's and it just didn't work. I always say an ex is an ex for a good reason.
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Old 02-04-2018, 12:12 PM
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I found going no contact was the best way for me to separate myself from "him" and not be vulnerable to the love for him I still had. I stayed no contact for 2 years.

He is the only one of my exs I did later renew a friendship with...but I was only able to do that by moving on first.

Now is the time to invest your resources in yourself.
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Old 03-06-2018, 02:54 AM
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Kick him to the curb girl, you are being greatly DISRESPECTED. if I'm being honest it is also likely his boys inside know of you as THE EX who is still sending money and holding him down and everyone talks and all that. I myself could not be the talk of the tier in that manner !!!!
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Old 05-13-2018, 05:33 AM
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Just move on... Stop all meets with him. There is nothing good for you and youre life...
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Old 05-19-2018, 08:17 PM
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Thanks for everyone for responding .. listen I know everyone is judging me and i know iam dumb ..:.. one thing I will say i was the type of person who would say this woulda never happen to me and I would never allow it . but one thing I would say, I have to be careful what I say because you don’t know what you will do until you are in the situation .
Reading what a.rare.love wrote had me crying .. I feel like in some ways You guys misunderstood me I don’t want him to love me or beg him ..In my heart iam done with him
But while he’s in prison I want him to be worry free and have things I feel like his family do the minimal and maybe they do it because dummy me is doing everything .... but I also feel like if I don’t ’t do it he would have nothing while in there .
This is my thing I want to help because he’s down.... I just don’t want to kick someone while they are down but I do understand this is stopping my happiness .. I understand where all the women is coming from . I can’t never heal from him if I’m still in contact with him ..... iam sacrificing my happiness to make sure he’s okay while he’s incarcerated. I feel if I don’t help him I letting him down n I’m a fucked up person .... ( but it’s almost like If I’m helping him that he’s more important than my own self which is crazy )I think I need therapy yes he did horrible things to me but I want to him help but I’m happy on the inside knowing he’s worry free .... thanks
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Old 05-19-2018, 08:44 PM
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Think of him as a dog who bites. He's bitten you twice already. Normally, you'd avoid a dog who's bitten you twice, wouldn't you? And this is not a dog you want to be around, and the dog isn't going to go without, because he's already got another woman on the line, plus family.

Seriously, you're doing this for yourself and to yourself, for some empty reason. It's a very bad form of self-elimination, to put your needs behind those of a biting dog. You are more important than he is, at all times. So what you really need is to take that money and energy you're spending on him and use it on yourself, to find out just what that hole inside you is that you seem to need to fill by devoting yourself to someone who drains you, financially and emotionally.

Then go find an animal shelter, where they really need that energy, and where the lost pets there can actually benefit from your generosity, or sign up to deliver meals on wheels, or any of a thousand other forms of giving that will benefit your community at large, and your 'soul' as well.
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Old 05-20-2018, 05:35 PM
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Big hugs to you Malaysia. : hugme:
Quote:
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Thanks for everyone for responding .. listen I know everyone is judging me and i know iam dumb ..:.. one thing I will say i was the type of person who would say this woulda never happen to me and I would never allow it . but one thing I would say, I have to be careful what I say because you donít know what you will do until you are in the situation .
Reading what a.rare.love wrote had me crying .. I feel like in some ways You guys misunderstood me I donít want him to love me or beg him ..In my heart iam done with him
But while heís in prison I want him to be worry free and have things I feel like his family do the minimal and maybe they do it because dummy me is doing everything .... but I also feel like if I donít ít do it he would have nothing while in there .
This is my thing I want to help because heís down.... I just donít want to kick someone while they are down but I do understand this is stopping my happiness .. I understand where all the women is coming from . I canít never heal from him if Iím still in contact with him ..... iam sacrificing my happiness to make sure heís okay while heís incarcerated. I feel if I donít help him I letting him down n Iím a fucked up person .... ( but itís almost like If Iím helping him that heís more important than my own self which is crazy )I think I need therapy yes he did horrible things to me but I want to him help but Iím happy on the inside knowing heís worry free .... thanks
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