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  #1  
Old 09-19-2020, 09:15 PM
Nickinew Nickinew is offline
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Default Getting out of an abusive relationship

Sent my ex boyfriend to jail after he threatened me


Me and this has been dating for about 7 months. He is older. After a month of dating we decided to move in together. This was my first time ever living with a guy. He has a drinking problem. After a few weeks of living together he started to be mean and controlling. He didn’t want me to go anywhere without him or do anything without him. He began to go through my phone and text people acting it was me. After about a month he began to hit me. I never cheated or disrespected him in any way. I’ve had about 3 or 4 busted lips, a sprung ankle, bruises in random spots. He would be so mean to be at home and then act like nothing ever happened the next day. He convinced me he did it because he loved me.

So a few months ago I began to lose love for him. Every time he called me out of my name or physically hurt me in any way I loved him a little less. So one night I put on some clothes and I was going to my parents house and coming right back. He got mad and said I was going to meet a guy. He tried to grab me out the truck and he beat me in the back of my head. He left multiple bruises in my head and it was really hard to sleep afterwards. I tried to push him off in which I left a big scratch on his face. I had no choice but to call the police because at that point I was scared for my life. They filed domestic abuse charged against him and placed a protective order on him. I felt so bad afterwards, idk why. So once he got out I contacted him. A week went by and we got back together. I moved back in with him. More months went by and he didn’t see to change, he was still mean and accusing me of doing things that weren’t true. One night at his house he chocked me until I passed out. I lost my voice and could barely talk afterwards. I decided to move to a different city and get my own place in which he also moved here. He moved with a family member. We were still in contact but I told him that it wasn’t a good idea for us to live together again. My reason being is that he is to controlling and I didn’t wanna go through that again.

I was going to see him and we were still sexually interacting. One night he came over and spent the night with me. He said I was acting like I didn’t care about him so he threatened me and raised his fist a few times at me as if he was holding back punching me. He gave me this look that let me know the old him was still their because I remember that look. So after he left I decided that I was allowing him to come back and I need some time to figure things out. He came to my apartment 2 nights in a row at 3:00am beating on the door. The second time he came he also beat on the window and tried to open it. My heart was beating really fast and I was scared to I called the police. Once they arrived I explained the situation to them and told them I was really scared so they took him to jail. He’s been in jail for 4 days now and he still doesn’t have a bond. He’s on parole also. I don’t want him to go to prison but I also need time alone as I’m not sure if I wanna be with him right now. What should I do? Will his parole be revoked for violating the parole or will he likely receive a bond?
tl;dr Had no choice but to call the police on him after he threatened me. Don’t want him in prison but I’m no longer in-love with him.
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Old 09-19-2020, 09:31 PM
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His parole may be revoked. He won't get bail because he is on parole. They may do an order of protection without or without your consent. Do usually escalates. Next time you may not be so lucky. I would move if it possible
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Old 09-19-2020, 10:12 PM
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When he got the original domestic violence charge they gave him a bond and he was able to bond out. He didn’t come hit me or anything but I called because I was afraid of what he may have done if he would’ve got in or caught me outside at night. He mentioned as long as he don’t get an aggravated. He’s been in for 6 days now and still no bond.
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Old 09-19-2020, 10:15 PM
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Default Really seeking others opinion in similar situations

This may sound crazy. My ex is currently in jail for violating a protective order. He’s on probation. He didn’t hit me but he probably would have if he would’ve got into my place. I’m no longer in-love with him and happy that I was able to get out. I don’t want his probation to be revoked or for him to go to prison for a long time. I don’t prison does him any good or helps his anger. How long will he most likely be in their?
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Old 09-19-2020, 10:32 PM
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There are too many variables to predict what his sentence will be, including his criminal history and your state's Statutes on DV. If he's on bond for DV charges, violated the protection order and is charged yet again with DV, it doesn't bode well for a short(er) sentence.
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Old 09-19-2020, 11:36 PM
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It's not your choice if he goes to prison. I would encourage you to stop feeling guilty for acting out of safety for yourself. However, now I would like to encourage you to stop inviting this man in your life. He is not going to magically change. He is not going to become a nice, sweet man, even if you spend less time with him. Protect yourself. Find safety and the biggest thing, please get some therapy for domestic violence counseling. It will help so much to process everything that's going on and they can help provide an advocate to help walk you through this process.

He didn't hit you this time. You had shared that he choked you out. Who knows what he would have done had he gotten in. I find it interesting that you continue to check if he has a bond. Are you going to bond him out if he does? How can you move forward and create safety and peace in your life.
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Old 09-20-2020, 02:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Cutepixie View Post
It's not your choice if he goes to prison. I would encourage you to stop feeling guilty for acting out of safety for yourself. However, now I would like to encourage you to stop inviting this man in your life. He is not going to magically change. He is not going to become a nice, sweet man, even if you spend less time with him. Protect yourself. Find safety and the biggest thing, please get some therapy for domestic violence counseling. It will help so much to process everything that's going on and they can help provide an advocate to help walk you through this process.

He didn't hit you this time. You had shared that he choked you out. Who knows what he would have done had he gotten in. I find it interesting that you continue to check if he has a bond. Are you going to bond him out if he does? How can you move forward and create safety and peace in your life.
I just don’t wanna see him in prison is all. I feel that I may have acted that way out of fear but after living with him that long and going through the constant emotional and physical abuse I just couldn’t see myself living with him again ever and the thought of marrying him was absolutely gone. I never understood why he was so angry and at one point I blamed myself for his anger. I just feel that bc I was in contact with him and then I decided to cut off all contact after he threatened me and I saw in his eye that mean person was still their and he was just pretending. Maybe I lead him on but I don’t take threats lightly, especially being that he use to abuse me for no reason at all. Maybe a smart remark or because I didn’t do what he said. I thought about bailing him out bc i don’t want him in jail. I just want him to stay away from me.
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Old 09-20-2020, 05:09 AM
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Sweetie, get out and stay out while you can. Someone else suggested you get counseling for domestic abuse. I suggest the same. This man is NOT going to be better and you have only experienced the tip of the iceberg. No matter how angry a man gets, he is NEVER supposed to put his hands on you. That is NOT love. He has issues that you cannot solve, NOR did you cause the problem.



You say that you don't want him to go to prison. Do you really want him out there so he can abuse you again, or another woman?
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Old 09-20-2020, 06:57 AM
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DV relationships make the victim feel like they are at fault. "You talked to this one, you said this, you lead him on, you make me so angry sometimes..... if you just behaved this wouldn't hapoen....."

If anything sounds familiar, get counseling asap.

As you said last time he bonded, 2nd time probably not. It a parole hold. Time stops while they evaluate everything. Has a history of DV? You cannot stop what is happening to him. Consider yourself lucky.
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Old 09-20-2020, 10:48 AM
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If he stays in their he won't be able to contact you because of the order and if he had an order of protection because of you when he got locked up that will make it aggravated because he violated it the same thing happened to my boyfriend you wont be able to visit him either because you are the victim of his crime i was able to go see mine because we got the order of protection vacated before he went to prison i hope that things work out for you best wishes
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Old 09-20-2020, 12:10 PM
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I would also urge you to get some DV counseling. Can probably get some help for little or no cost.

I would also encourage you to read thru this forum. Read others stories and the responses.
Im glad you called the police, and Im glad he's in jail.Its where he needs to be.
Again, I urge you to get some counseling. It could save your life.
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Old 09-20-2020, 01:05 PM
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If he stays in their he won't be able to contact you because of the order and if he had an order of protection because of you when he got locked up that will make it aggravated because he violated it the same thing happened to my boyfriend you wont be able to visit him either because you are the victim of his crime i was able to go see mine because we got the order of protection vacated before he went to prison i hope that things work out for you best wishes
I don’t want him to contact me nor visit him. He doesn’t have any past cases of DV or anything but he is a convic. I called and they said that he has a 48hour hold because of probation. I was just wondering what the process is and will he get a long sentence or something short like months. He was never convicted of the DV charge because I refused to go to court and testify against him. He plead non guilty and he was still going to court for the DV when he was arrested. I’m not going to testify or anything nor answer any questions. I guess I’ll just wait to see what happens. His family has been in contact with me about him but I’ve explained to them he can’t contact me in their so i don’t know what’s going on. He’s about 18 years older than me so years from now I’ll be much wiser and moved on from him. She said they’ll probably make a decision next week so I’m just curious what they will decide.
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Old 09-20-2020, 02:57 PM
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I don’t want him to contact me nor visit him. He doesn’t have any past cases of DV or anything but he is a convic. I called and they said that he has a 48hour hold because of probation. I was just wondering what the process is and will he get a long sentence or something short like months. He was never convicted of the DV charge because I refused to go to court and testify against him. He plead non guilty and he was still going to court for the DV when he was arrested. I’m not going to testify or anything nor answer any questions. I guess I’ll just wait to see what happens. His family has been in contact with me about him but I’ve explained to them he can’t contact me in their so i don’t know what’s going on. He’s about 18 years older than me so years from now I’ll be much wiser and moved on from him. She said they’ll probably make a decision next week so I’m just curious what they will decide.
But if their was an order of protection on him and he violated it it's agg crim contempt the court will still put a temporary one on you guys even if you don't want it if he gets charged with agg crim contempt he could be facing some time even if you don't testify they will still charge him i didn't either
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Old 09-20-2020, 03:43 PM
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But if their was an order of protection on him and he violated it it's agg crim contempt the court will still put a temporary one on you guys even if you don't want it if he gets charged with agg crim contempt he could be facing some time even if you don't testify they will still charge him i didn't either
Ok I understand what you’re saying now. He goes before the judge tomorrow so I guess they’ll decide or sentence him Im not sure I’ve never been in a situation like this. We’re not together but it’s not easy to stop caring or loving someone so hopefully God is in his favor and he can learn something with whatever they do with him. Thanks for the info. & I also hope everything works out between you and your guy.
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Old 09-20-2020, 04:19 PM
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I also hope everything works out between you and your guy.
No, you really don't.
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Old 09-20-2020, 05:08 PM
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Ok I understand what you’re saying now. He goes before the judge tomorrow so I guess they’ll decide or sentence him Im not sure I’ve never been in a situation like this. We’re not together but it’s not easy to stop caring or loving someone so hopefully God is in his favor and he can learn something with whatever they do with him. Thanks for the info. & I also hope everything works out between you and your guy.
Thank you good luck hopefully you will hear something Tommorow about what's going on i live in NYS so maybe the rules are different with DV im not sure are you able to go to court tommorow when he goes maybe you can say something to the judge or what not i did
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Old 09-21-2020, 04:20 PM
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Look. Stop the madness! An OOP is a piece of paper. Would you feel compassion if some dude repeatedly beat your little sister?
And you kept seeing her bloody and scared?
And she still loved him and kept going back for the next best down?
You know when this shit stops? When your dead.
Get the hell away while you can.
He repeatedly tells you how your future will be, and you think it’s affection.
Apparently somewhere is your life something broke and you feel a relationship is about pain.

It’s never about pain.
Treat yourself as you would your little sister, and get her out of there before one hit knocks you into something that breaks your neck. Literally
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Old 09-21-2020, 05:46 PM
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Look. Stop the madness! An OOP is a piece of paper. Would you feel compassion if some dude repeatedly beat your little sister?
And you kept seeing her bloody and scared?
And she still loved him and kept going back for the next best down?
You know when this shit stops? When your dead.
Get the hell away while you can.
He repeatedly tells you how your future will be, and you think it’s affection.
Apparently somewhere is your life something broke and you feel a relationship is about pain.

It’s never about pain.
Treat yourself as you would your little sister, and get her out of there before one hit knocks you into something that breaks your neck. Literally
I would have to agree with you and the others that spoke some sense into me. The “ happily ever after “ faded after he begin to show his true colors and treat me badly. Just before he went he seemed very jealous. I just got a new car & also my very first apartment. He seemed as if he wasn’t happy for me because I denied him staying with me. He belittled me to the point to where I thought the only way I would make it is being with him. Maybe I was just to good of a woman for him. Just before he went he threatened to punch my head through a wall if I made him leave. He told me I wouldn’t be able to keep my place and called me several names. I told him to just stay away from me. Threatening is one thing but I knew he would actually hurt me because he’s done it on several occasions. Not even together a whole year and he did those things. I didn’t want him to go to prison and still don’t. I’m hoping he do a few months and get out. I don’t see myself being with him every again or anyone like him. Now I know to recognize the signs and get away before the hitting starts. He has issues that I can’t fix and had them before he met me. I hope they don’t revoke him because jail has only made him worse. But yes I did get away.
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Old 09-22-2020, 12:42 PM
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Thank you good luck hopefully you will hear something Tommorow about what's going on i live in NYS so maybe the rules are different with DV im not sure are you able to go to court tommorow when he goes maybe you can say something to the judge or what not i did
The DA contacted me today and told me to come to court on his court day and bring a copy of the order. I’m not sure if I should go being that I don’t want to say the wrong thing and make the matters worse. She said that day will be for the protection order and then the next day she will speak with me about the violation of the order. I’m nervous to go to court but I’m trying to get him as little time as possible. What would you recommend and did you go to court?
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Old 09-22-2020, 01:36 PM
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My prayer is that you continue to see the value in your life. Blessings to you always.
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Old 09-22-2020, 02:01 PM
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Please seek out DV counselor and not another DV victim for advice. You got very lucky. Just because you are done with the relationship doesn't mean he is and you still need to protect yourself. You didn't do this. You didn't do anything wrong.
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Old 09-22-2020, 10:19 PM
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I think you will be happier when you stop trying to influence his fate.
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Old 09-23-2020, 12:24 AM
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It took me seven years to finally walk away and get out of a abusive and emotional relationship. My ex, my sons father after he hit me the first time I called the cops and this was his third DV. Well, he only spent two in a half weeks in jail. Please remember its situations or fights like this that will lead up to things getting physical next time.
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Old 09-23-2020, 08:39 AM
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Quote:
The DA contacted me today and told me to come to court on his court day and bring a copy of the order. I’m not sure if I should go being that I don’t want to say the wrong thing and make the matters worse. She said that day will be for the protection order and then the next day she will speak with me about the violation of the order. I’m nervous to go to court but I’m trying to get him as little time as possible. What would you recommend and did you go to court?
None of his actions are your fault.

I had a therapist once tell me that every time I covered up someone else's mistakes/bad behavior, I was removing the natural consequences of their actions from them, and therefore I was taking away their opportunity to learn from their mistakes.

I would go to court. I would state the facts. I would neither "go for blood" nor would I try to lessen the severity of his actions. Let him deal with the fallout of his own behavior - that is his burden to bear, not yours.

Your burden is to figure out how and why you fell for his manipulations, and figure out how you can avoid falling for it again in the future with other people.
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Old 09-23-2020, 12:09 PM
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None of his actions are your fault.

I had a therapist once tell me that every time I covered up someone else's mistakes/bad behavior, I was removing the natural consequences of their actions from them, and therefore I was taking away their opportunity to learn from their mistakes.

I would go to court. I would state the facts. I would neither "go for blood" nor would I try to lessen the severity of his actions. Let him deal with the fallout of his own behavior - that is his burden to bear, not yours.

Your burden is to figure out how and why you fell for his manipulations, and figure out how you can avoid falling for it again in the future with other people.
Yes I completely understand that. I will state facts. But he only came beating on the door and window, before he got in I had already called them. Those are the facts. I found myself really sad today, actually couldn’t stop crying. Torn between he never loved me because if he did he wouldn’t have ever hurt me and maybe he never received true love so he doesn’t know what it is or how to accept it. Not making excuses for him but he has a lot of family problems and also a bad drinking habit ( like everyday getting drunk ). I know everyone is saying i shouldn’t feel this and that but truth be told I’m only human and I fell for him. I will go to court about the order however and tell the truth about that night. I’ve just found myself a standstill as of now.
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Some say this relationship is abusive? SarahaStreets The Nimuay Domestic Violence Support Forum 6 03-02-2013 02:28 PM
12 traits of an abusive relationship irishcanuk The Nimuay Domestic Violence Support Forum 11 12-25-2010 04:45 PM
I did it! I finally ended my last abusive relationship! LeBeau The Nimuay Domestic Violence Support Forum 15 07-21-2009 05:24 PM
Need advice, in abusive relationship and he is on parole redphoenixx The Nimuay Domestic Violence Support Forum 14 02-15-2006 04:58 PM


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