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  #1  
Old 11-01-2010, 07:47 PM
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Question I waited five years, now I DON'T WANT HIM HOME.

Met my boyfriend almost six years ago, when i was a teenager. I had a big crush on him and always asked my sister to hook me up, but.....never happened. Then to my amazement, my sister got a call from him in rikers while we were having dinner. I asked how he was doing, and when he had plans to come out, from then, he has not stop calling me. The intention was not to get with him this time, but just to see how he was doing. Anyway i visited him for the first time ( a nervous reck, i didnt know anything about prison). There he explained to me he also had a crush but out of respect for my sister, he didnt go there because he didnt want to play with me, and break their relationship up. I got all caught up and decided to start something with him. We have been through it with crazy ex's looking his date up and writing, which he just forwarded the mail to me. He says he loves me and all that, which i just feel like is prison talk. My main concern is that i have been working and doing for myself since the age of fourteen, went to college and now have a career, in all the five years he has been away. I do love him, yes i do, but now i am afraid 1. that my family wont except him, because of his past. 2. he can't provide for his family because of his record. 3. we cant go anywhere together because of his probation. I really dont want to leave my man behind, but i DO want to live my life. More so with him, than anybody else, he is great to me very attentive (again prison attentive) and hangs on my every word. I JUST DONT WANT TO BE ANYBODY'S PROVIDER. I DONT HAVE ANY KIDS AND I DONT NEED A BIG KID TO TAKE CARE OF. SOOOO FRUSTRATED BECAUSE HE COMES HOME IN LESS THAN 90 DAYS. DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM. I really would like him to go to a family members house instead of mine, but he doesnt have anyone else. He wants children, i dont want any just yet, want to start our relationship the way God intented it to be. He wants also to get married but i am not ready, he wants marriage right away. i feel squeezed, cant express it to him, because he will get emotional and sad and i really dont want to hurt him. Ladies dont get me wrong i have not GOTTEN TO BIG to be with him, i am most humble and wants the best for the both of us, i pray everynight for a miracle for him. As far as providing and becoming a better man, proving all the people wrong, who said he couldnt. Can't express to my family because, they are not trying to hear about no prison bird coming into there family, yes i am a grown woman BUT my family means the most to me, and i want them in my life. So can anyone help with this deliemma, just Confused and MAD.

Last edited by Charlo612; 11-01-2010 at 08:01 PM.. Reason: Puncuations
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:11 PM
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Ok well first of all, why did you wait all this time and just now get all of these thoughts? Maybe your just going through that phase, cold feet. You love him, you've been waiting for him, why haven't you told your family already? I'm assuming they've already had some idea? I don't really know what to say exactly, b/c I couldn't imagine going thru 5 years and waiting for my man, only to decide 90 days prior to it all being over, that I made the wrong choice! Also, you say he is attentive, and hangs on your every word. My man does this too...but what does that mean, when you say "prison attentive"?
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:20 PM
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Nothing like waiting until the last minute Well I think that if you are more worried about others think than you are already setting yourself up for failure. You stated all your worries but do we ever know what is going to happen? It's a lot of what if's? I think you need to make up your mind and quit stringing him along if you have no intentions of letting him move in with you. You wait much longer and it becomes pretty cruel. You stated about 'prison talk' well this could be true but what is kind of 'talk' are you doing if you arent being straight up with him?
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:29 PM
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You ladies are full of insight, and both of you are correct for the first post, by prison attentive i mean he pays attention because i am all thats infornt of him at this point and time, so he is very interested in what i am saying. For the second post you absoulety right i do need to stop this, pretty much i am worried about my family, if i had no family or a family that didnt care he would be here with me in a heart beat. The problem is my mother for one!!!!!......has never been wrong her insights are amazing, see is very good at seeing danger ahead, so i trust her opinion, although she doesnt know yet i kind of knw what she will say. But time will tell, if i need to secretly move him in and avoid my family for some time, so that he can get acclimated and comfortable, then thats what i am going to do. Just hope it doesnt backfire.
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:49 PM
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I am right there with you on the family part, as I come from very good, strong, loving family as well. And altho I have not fully came out and told them the seriousness of it all, only b/c I know it will break their hearts, given they have such high expectations of me... but they do have their suspicions. And I don't deny anything to them, but I don't indulge any info either. But inspite of all of that, I love and cherish my man, and up until just recently let go of all my fears and trust him completly. Prison attentive or not, love is love, and I know he will always apply himself once he's home to get a job and strive to always do what's right. And anyone that isn't ok with that, isn't ok with us. I love him with all my being and will not let the negative thoughts of others control how I live my life. And if I fall on my face, then I've got to accept that, learn from it, and move forward. And if they are true and truly love me, they will still be there to help pick me back up, and put the pieces back together. So whichever you decide, make sure its what YOU really want, and stick with it! And I wish you the best of luck!
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Old 11-01-2010, 08:52 PM
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The choice seems like its there already. If you are not into it anymore there is nothing wrong with that. People grow and obviously you have outgrown this relationship. You deserve to live your life the way you choose. As far as what to tell him I guess honesty is always best. I am sure he would understand. Just make sure it is what you want.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:03 PM
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i pray everynight for a miracle for him. As far as providing and becoming a better man, proving all the people wrong, who said he couldnt. Can't express to my family because, they are not trying to hear about no prison bird coming into there family, yes i am a grown woman BUT my family means the most to me, and i want them in my life. So can anyone help with this deliemma, just Confused and MAD.
I suppose I don't understand how you can pray for him but at the same time have so little faith in his abilities. Many men that have been incarcerated have and do provide for their families.

I understand not wanting to jeopardize your relationship with your family as well but you knew what you were getting involved with long ago. Perhaps not in the beginning but somewhere in the last 5 years I assume you made some sort of commitment to this man.

At this point I feel that you should probably just let him go. It is the kinder thing to do. What would have been kinder than that even would have been to let him know all along the way what you were willing to give and what you couldn't. He could very well be giving you prison talk but in the same regards so were you. You seem happy with this relationship as long as he was safely behind bars. The difference is you only suspect it from him but you validated it from yourself.

I generally don't post if I can't be positive but this seems incredibly thoughtless and cruel on your part to have allowed this to get to the 11th hour before you have considered the obvious facts of being with an inmate.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:11 PM
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You ladies are full of insight, and both of you are correct for the first post, by prison attentive i mean he pays attention because i am all thats infornt of him at this point and time, so he is very interested in what i am saying. For the second post you absoulety right i do need to stop this, pretty much i am worried about my family, if i had no family or a family that didnt care he would be here with me in a heart beat. The problem is my mother for one!!!!!......has never been wrong her insights are amazing, see is very good at seeing danger ahead, so i trust her opinion, although she doesnt know yet i kind of knw what she will say. But time will tell, if i need to secretly move him in and avoid my family for some time, so that he can get acclimated and comfortable, then thats what i am going to do. Just hope it doesnt backfire.
i think if he gets that feeling that you arent gonna stand by him,if you had to choose between him or your family. it will cause even more trust issues for someone just getting out of prison. i believe that for me whoever doesnt want to be my friend or family also, its sad, but i feel if they really care about me then they should stand by me regardless of who i choose to love. as adults we are free to make our own choices, you said your mother opinion you trust because she has never been wrong, does your man understand that thats where you stand and there may be an issue with your mom? maybe thats why he wants to get married right away because he is already afraid he is gonna lose you? i dont have that close of relationship with my parents, so its very hard to know what its like, i would do what i want since the only one who has to live my life is me. please think about how it must be for him to be judged and dont let a big issue explode , like you said if it backfires, this man could end up really messed up and possibly back in prison. not cool!
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:19 PM
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I totally agree with Hugaboom.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:34 PM
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I didnt read what everyone said so ignore me if I am repeating what someone else said. But I think that you should at least give him a chance. You obviously didnt wait this long to get nothing out of it! It will be hard for him to find a job but it is also very possible. Tell him your concerns and tell him you love but you aren't ready for marriage and kids just yet. Let him stay with you until he gets back on his feet. Let him get his own place and some money in his pockets. If ya'll werent together before prison and this is what is scaring you then ya'll should "date" first before even thinking of getting married. This is just what I would do if I were in the situation. Dont let him get out and just use you for a place to live and money and food. Make him go look for a job. Make him go look for a place to stay. But give him a chance to show you the man that he can be and Im sure the man that he wants to be. As for worrying what other people think, you need to make up your mind about what you want and not let other peoples thoughts get to you. If they love you they will support you no matter what. My family is the most important thing to me. Im not going to lie sometimes it is hard to hear them crack jokes about mine and Lee's situation but in the end I know it will be worth it. It took them a while to see where Im coming from and why I made the decision to stick by his side through all this, but if your family and friends truly care they will want you to be happy and they will at least listen to why you made this decision. Hope I could help at least a little!
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:37 PM
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While i do value evryone's opinion, you all have shed some good light on the situation, yes he does know my family has reservations, and so does he, he has already stated, he is going to everything to prove that he is a man of his word. My question is will it be enough? i dont the incredibel hulk out of him, but i just want him to be able to be comfortable and attend family functions without somebody turning up a nose at him. He is wonderful, but at the same time, IS THIS JUST PRISON OR TRUE FEELINGS. i feel so much feelings for him. i do love him just hard to make decisions right now, like someone said at the 11th hour.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:40 PM
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Quote:
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I didnt read what everyone said so ignore me if I am repeating what someone else said. But I think that you should at least give him a chance. You obviously didnt wait this long to get nothing out of it! It will be hard for him to find a job but it is also very possible. Tell him your concerns and tell him you love but you aren't ready for marriage and kids just yet. Let him stay with you until he gets back on his feet. Let him get his own place and some money in his pockets. If ya'll werent together before prison and this is what is scaring you then ya'll should "date" first before even thinking of getting married. This is just what I would do if I were in the situation. Dont let him get out and just use you for a place to live and money and food. Make him go look for a job. Make him go look for a place to stay. But give him a chance to show you the man that he can be and Im sure the man that he wants to be. As for worrying what other people think, you need to make up your mind about what you want and not let other peoples thoughts get to you. If they love you they will support you no matter what. My family is the most important thing to me. Im not going to lie sometimes it is hard to hear them crack jokes about mine and Lee's situation but in the end I know it will be worth it. It took them a while to see where Im coming from and why I made the decision to stick by his side through all this, but if your family and friends truly care they will want you to be happy and they will at least listen to why you made this decision. Hope I could help at least a little!
Thank you for your post very helpful. i felt beaten up witht he other post, but your ideas are the greatest so far. blessing to you and yours.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:44 PM
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Charlo you say you are "just Confused and MAD" Why are you mad??
Go back and re-read your post.
You stated alot of things he wants, and what you want. None of them match up. You both want different things.
You are concerned what your family will think.
I dont see anything in your relationship with him that is Loving, Supportive or nurturing. You think his attention is "prison attentive". I dont see how any of this is going to add up to a happy, give and take relationship based on trust and honesty.
The odds are stacked against it.
You sound like a very intelligent young lady who knows what she wants for herself, but doesnt know what she wants from a relationship with a man.
If you go back and re-read your post you will see you have all the answers you are looking for.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:51 PM
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I think the other ladies did a fine job in answering your posts, but I will add my two cents. I have been here quite a few times during this bid, but it was just me being selfish and afraid. I have never had a love like this, things seem so perfect and fairytale like that its sometimes scary. It has taken a lot for me to realize that a relationship needs sharing, trust, compromise, and respect at the very least to be successful. I often tried to put myself in his shoes and imagine how he would feel, and I know there is nothing and nobody that could change how he feels about me. I will admit it is going to be a major adjustment having a man in the house, but its an adjustment that is long overdue for me. I'm willing to work, have faith, love harder when he isn't being my favorite person, and believe that I deserve the man he has promised himself to be. I will say that I'm glad you know you aren't ready to get married, but you should really evaluate your relationship with him and be honest with him he is deserving of that. I wish you the best of luck with this situation.
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:57 PM
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Thank you for your post very helpful. i felt beaten up witht he other post, but your ideas are the greatest so far. blessing to you and yours.
I can see what people are trying to say, but it is hard for all of us. This isn't a situation anyone wants to be in and everything about it is confusing. Of course you should look out for yourself first before him. I just think you are confused and really need to sit down and pray about it. The answer will come to you and everything will eork out the way it is meant to wether or not it is an easy decision. Just because he is locked up it doesnt change the way a relationship works. I know how you feel about the "prison attentive" thing. Its easy to let things get into your head and make you wonder. I wonder all the time if he has really changed or if its just because he is locked up and finally sees how good he actually had it. But the truth is there is nothing any of us can do but wait and hope for the best.
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:01 PM
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Thanks ladies as you can see i check the post every minute, even though i have an early morning. My heart says: CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!! Lets leave and be together for ever no matter what the odds say. And i wish i can say that, but time and time again, we as women DON'T LISTEN AND THIS IS WHERE WE GET OUR FEELINGS HURT. Not talking to anyone in particular but just saying that sometimes, if we stop wearing our heart on our sleeves and be real and practical, we can get a better picture. By no means am i saying that he has given me any reason to doubt him, he shows prospective leadership in a family and unconditional love, no matter what i have done or said, he has always forgiven me (doesnt really have a choice). But i cant just run away and pretend that our decisions dont have consequences. In a nutshell, i guess that i really need to eval this relationship and pronto.
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:05 PM
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I just want to respond to all those what ifs. First of all that's no way to go through life. Because "what if" is all about FEAR!! I am a lot older than a lot of you here, so I do have some wisdom. I'll give you some good sound advice, but it's your decision if you take it or not. First, there are NO guarantees in this life. It's not "what if" it's"what is"! And from what I understand, you love this man, hell you waited this long! Second, you can't please everyone. FORGET IT it will never happen. Anyone you bring home will get picked apart. Third, I waited ALL my life for my fathers approval and never got it and I never will. Until I decided that I no longer needed his damn approval, I was going nowhere fast. Being an adult is hard. You have to make your own decisions and leave the results up to God. Decide what you want to do without all of the what ifs. You sound like a strong young lady. If you take a chance with this man and it doesn't work out, somehow I sense that you will come out on the other side being ok and with a lot more wisdom! Whatever you decide, good luck to you and I wish you the best!
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:08 PM
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In a nutshell, i guess that i really need to eval this relationship and pronto.
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:08 PM
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i can understand you having your fears, but don't allow other' ppl to give you those fears! having the fears from your own mind can be to much for anyone to handle you dont need other's fears on top of your own! as far as if he will feel comfortable at family get togethers, well that's most likely going to take time regardless!

you are human and it's ok to have fears... you do need to figure out what's fears and what you really need to do for you! I wouldn't move him in and avoid family that will create hard feelings amung everyone!

if you feel very strongly that you have outgrown the relationship then it is best to let him know as soon as possible how your feeling and why!
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:13 PM
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I have a feeling i got more posts coming. By a show of hands. how may of you think i am mean. Or do you genuinely understand my concerns?
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Old 11-01-2010, 10:22 PM
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My situation was almost just like yours at one time but then one day I sat down and realized that I really loved my man. I went to my family and I let then know just that. My mom did not like it at all I was upset because she was upset but I stood my ground. Now I know she may not be perfectly fine with my decision but she has realized I have a life to live, I am an adult. It seems like to me you love this man but have not grown up enough to face your mother about it. Your family will always be your family and you can bet nobody will ever be good enough for you in their eyes. He may actually love you and you may never find a man like this again. Why miss out on a chance because of what others think of you???
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  #22  
Old 11-01-2010, 10:28 PM
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I understand your concerns but what happens if the next man you meet doesnt get moms approval or the rest of your family, then the next one and the next one..........
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  #23  
Old 11-01-2010, 10:45 PM
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To add insult to injury for his birthday last year i got his name tatooed in a private areas only he knows about so i dont question my love for him, i question his commitment to me and our status within the family.
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Old 11-01-2010, 11:00 PM
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Honestly I don't know what you are looking for. You've gotten support from nearly everyone on here for you to go forward and do what it seems you've already decided you should do.

I've attempted to go to bed 3 times now and I'm so affected by this thread I keep returning hoping that at some point you'll stop trying to put this horrible turn of events upon his shoulders and instead own up to your own selfishness. Everyone has a right to be selfish. It's the only way we take care of ourselves and keep others from running over us. But when our own selfishness brings hurt up onto others that's when I get extremely upset. I've still heard nothing of compassion from you towards him.

These are our loved ones as well, our brothers, our sisters, our uncles, fathers, and mothers. This man's only mistake from the details you have shared has been to not be powerful enough in his declarations of love to keep you from questioning his motives. You haven't shared anything that supports your suspicions. It seems you simply want to justify your behavior so that you can sleep better at night.

For Pete's sake, I've got to go to bed.
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Old 11-01-2010, 11:06 PM
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hugaboom if you cant go to bed imagine, what i am going through, i think you just hearing blah blah blah me me me, and thats not the case. if you only, read between the lines, you would be able to pick up every morsel of whats bothering me. Everybody else has. Thanks for you input. Your very frank, i like that.
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