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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 10-23-2010, 06:19 AM
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tkirkpsu99 tkirkpsu99 is offline
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Default He's been so quiet

In the beginning, our phone conversations were amazing. The last couple wks, however, he's been sooooo quiet. I don't think anything's wrong, he just doesn't have much to say.

I have several concerns. 1) I feel like I have to fill the silence, and often times it's with meaningless banter....and I get silence in return. It frustrates me, makes me sad, maybe even a little angry 2) I'm nervous b/c how are we supposed to maintain a r/s when ???he's not really participating/contributing. I feel like I'm the "entertainment"....

He's only been in for two months. The first couple months we're filled with emotion....we talked about how much we loved one another, what we would like our future to look like. I KNEW that could/would only last so long. I knew we'd have to find a new norm in order for the r/s to continue. I feel like we're at that transition point and....??...it's not going well so far.

I am bending over backwards to find ways for us to connect. We're reading books together. I send him book club questions for us to discuss. I send him fun, thought provoking questions, devotions, r/s building excerpts.... and he'll respond to those in his letters, but there is less and less content to fill the rest of the letters.

I'm scared. The silence is starting to cause friction and I don't want to start bicking over NOTHING. I don't know what to do... Give it some time? Suggest that we talk less frequently? Stop trying to fill the void, forcing him to talk?

Help!!!
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  #2  
Old 10-23-2010, 08:46 AM
thatwiz thatwiz is offline
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When my hubby does not say anything, he's mad about something. He doesn't like to say so ,at one point we had conversations like this for months and he called multiple times per day. I finally had to say what is really wrong with you and he finally said it. It was something so trivial that I can't even remember what exactly it was, but once he said it, he was fine and didn't have that silence or just me talking the whole conversation. That was just my experience with that.
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Old 10-23-2010, 08:52 AM
Johnsgurl2010 Johnsgurl2010 is offline
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This happened with me and John. But I didnt really worry about it too much. I would just start talking about whatever and anything. I would tell him about my day, even though it was pretty boring. Tell him about my kid. We would talk about plans of things to do when he gets out. It was basically just whatever I could do to fill the silence. Sometimes I would make a list of random shit to talk about just so I would have something. He would always ask me to look up stuff on the internet for him. So that helped to.

Im pretty sure its just a phase that will pass, hang in there girl!
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Old 10-23-2010, 11:11 AM
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My husband and I have reached the point where he just tells me over and over and over again how much he loves and adores me. Eventually they might run out of stuff to tell you since inside life is pretty much the same. I say be patirnt with him, its probably the transition point, it takes some getting used to.
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Old 10-23-2010, 11:16 AM
bluvsu bluvsu is offline
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Funny (not ha ha funny) I am going through the same thing. He is so shutting me out and pulling away. I noticed it last couple of times I visited. I am just going to take some time and sit back. I am not going anywhere but I think it is time he finds that out without me telling him. He is bummed out and I feel it effecting us. Nothing I can do but keep writing and accepting calls when he does call. I told him yesterday how it made me feel. I am not one to keep badgering about it. But it really is upseting me too.
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Old 10-23-2010, 11:50 AM
cindy03 cindy03 is offline
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same thing happened to me... don't worry about it too much. He now realizes what's goin on, how much he misses his freedom and all that
I keep talking as well, tell him about little things which happen in my life, he either says something or not, then I just keep telling him something else.
See it this way, if he didn't love u and care about u he wouldnt call u to talk to u. Maybe he doesnt wanna tell u whats wrong with him, how bad he feels not to hurt u. He prolly doesn't want u to b concerned.
Wait what will happen, keep telling him how much u miss and love him and see if it's gonna be better. If u still worry about it, send him a letter and tell him, that way he can think about it and reply to it or act differently next time he calls u.
If u talk to him about it on the phone u prolly won't get much, if he reads it in a letter he's got time to think about it. Maybe he doesnt know himself y he's acting like that...
Keep your head up!!!
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Old 10-23-2010, 12:10 PM
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I had this but it was because he didn't have anything to say. Not in a bad way but I mean he does the same thing everyday. Once in a while something different will happen but not very often. He was just interested in what I was doing and any news but basically stuff from outside the walls. Sending him things to do and books does help as it's something to talk about in letters and on the phone but you have to realise if you were doing the same ish everyday at the same time you wouldn't have much to talk about either.
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Old 10-24-2010, 08:14 AM
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Thank you ladies....so comforting to know I'm not the only one.

The last couple days have been awful. Every conversation has ended in an argument.

He accuses me of "not listening" and loses his patients. He gets frustrated, his tone changes...and sometimes he becomes disrepectful. I ask him to please try to be more patient, but then I'm a horrible person for always placing the blame on him. This is an issue we've dealt with since the beginning of our r/s.

We've been using this time as an opportunity to work on ourselves and until now, the results have been wonderful. Revisiting an old issue is just so disappointing. Makes me feel like nothing has REALLY changed, just covered up with a band-aid. I've tried to voice my concerns, but it hasn't changed anything....just brings back a lot of old resentment for both of us.

His sentencing hearing is next wk. His lawyers are submitting another motion for a mistrial..and though he SAYS he's not thinking about it, how could he not?!?!?!

Know I need to wait until after the hearing to see what happens, but I don't want him to think that he can be disrespectful to me just b/c he's upset. Any other suggestions on how to handle these "arguments"? This morn I cut the conversation short, told him I loved him and would talk to him later.

Just really sad :-(
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