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  #1  
Old 07-15-2018, 07:35 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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Default Keeping him calm while daughter is running amok

I don't know if I need to vent or advice.

His 18 year old daughter decided to get her own apartment months ago. She was living with a boyfriend because she doesnt get along with her mother. Plus, she doesn't being told what to do.

She lost her job a few weeks ago and called me nervous. Had a meeting at her job and a new one lined up. Told her what to say to get her old job back. She listened. It worked, but knew she might be short on rent.

She is. We only hear from her when she is in "trouble". She goes through disappearing acts. Her mom blocked her from communicating with her and her dad is where he is. She answers the phone for a bit then ghosts for a few weeks.

He is freaking out because is not getting a good feeling and feels she is playing games. His family isn't watching out for her. They are fed up because she doesnt call them or have seen her in 7 months.

I'm giving her the money tonight because losingbher job wasn't really her fault and she did get it back. She is floundering in the wind and really is a kid. She wants to be grown, but she has a long way to go. We decided that she has to go see her grandma this week and I'm going to teach her to budget and save as part of the conditions.

She will also be made known that she can't assume I can just give her money. I only did once before for a ticket on her car that I paid directly. We thought it was best not to hand her cash directly.

I'm worried about her. I'm not her mother. I'm glad she trusts me because at times she will tell me things usually with the don't tell my dad. Nothing major but she doesn't want him to worry. I do tell him, so he knows what is going on with her.

I'm worried about him because he feels powerless and I don't want him to blow a fuse. He is doing so well and the less stressed he is the less problems he will have inside. I want him as calm as possible and to just come home as soon as he can.

I guess this became more of a vent. Lol I just wish he was home to handle somethings. She needs him. She does listen to him when he is home. They are close, but I think trauma of it all has affected her.
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Old 07-15-2018, 09:19 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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It went well. She looks good. He asked me to take a picture of her. I think he wants to make sure she not doing stupid things.

Worked out a plan. She wants to establish credit and doesn't know how to do her taxes. She knows I'll help her with everything and teach her to live as an adult.

Now I feel better
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Old 07-15-2018, 09:43 PM
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She sounds 18.
I'm glad the meeting went well and hopefully she sticks with the budgeting plan. She's lucky to have a willing mentor and concerned parents.
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Old 07-15-2018, 09:51 PM
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She sounds 18.
I'm glad the meeting went well and hopefully she sticks with the budgeting plan. She's lucky to have a willing mentor and concerned parents.
She was very honest with me about everything. She likes being on her own. There are a few things she doesn't get yet, but will come with time.

We were concerned about drugs, drinking, friends, etc. She works a lot. She admits to going on and such. All normal stuff.

She agreed to go see her grandma once a week and to answer her phone when we call.

She'll pay me back in installments. I'll try to get her to come over for dinner once a month.

She is Def daddy's little girl. He spoiled her before everything, so she is only just grasping the concept of money. Most of us were no better at 18.

Her mom refuses to talk to her. His hands are tied. She is a good kid. Just a little lost.
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Old 07-15-2018, 09:58 PM
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She was very honest with me about everything. She likes being on her own. There are a few things she doesn't get yet, but will come with time.

My mom and I were talking about this the other day. I moved out just after I turned 19. We refer to eras based on the place I was living. We both agreed that the 18th Street era was basically me renting an apartment, putting macaroni salad in the fridge and still sleeping at their house 90% of the time. The West Fairview era was better, I actually slept there. But I also started buying chicken and forgetting to cook it, leaving my wet laundry in the washer until it soured and turning the ringer off my phone to avoid overdue notices on my bills. The Lawrence era, three years after moving out, was much better. I learned to make a real pot roast, I bought a vacuum and used it, I got engaged and I did my laundry...mostly. By the time the Pheasant era and marriage rolled around, I found a husband who loved to cook, didn't mind hauling the laundry to the community washing room and I worked a full time job. We even got a cat! LOL

I didn't die or get too crazy. I definitely did stupid things I knew better than to do, I did stupid things I didn't understand the consequences of, but I always had a rock in my parents. And by rock I mean tough love and a place to get my head above water if needed.
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Old 07-15-2018, 10:05 PM
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My mom and I were talking about this the other day. I moved out just after I turned 19. We refer to eras based on the place I was living. We both agreed that the 18th Street era was basically me renting an apartment, putting macaroni salad in the fridge and still sleeping at their house 90% of the time. The West Fairview era was better, I actually slept there. But I also started buying chicken and forgetting to cook it, leaving my wet laundry in the washer until it soured and turning the ringer off my phone to avoid overdue notices on my bills. The Lawrence era, three years after moving out, was much better. I learned to make a real pot roast, I bought a vacuum and used it, I got engaged and I did my laundry...mostly. By the time the Pheasant era and marriage rolled around, I found a husband who loved to cook, didn't mind hauling the laundry to the community washing room and I worked a full time job. We even got a cat! LOL

I didn't die or get too crazy. I definitely did stupid things I knew better than to do, I did stupid things I didn't understand the consequences of, but I always had a rock in my parents. And by rock I mean tough love and a place to get my head above water if needed.
Your last sentences are key. Having a safe place to land is important. I'm glad she trusts me enough to reach out.

Children with incarcerated parents tend to fall between the cracks. I see it at work and with his children. There is family around, but he took care of everyone. They don't know what to do with themselves. Yes, she is a legal adult, but we are all wet behind the ears at 18.

She is stubborn like her father too. This is what she wants to do. She is going to do it. Right now, I have her ear and her trust. She knows I'm not a fool and fessed up real quick to a few things. Nothing major thankfully.

Now to bed. Work in the am
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Old 07-15-2018, 10:06 PM
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Oh and there is a male involved too now. Hence the disappearing acts!
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Old 07-15-2018, 11:17 PM
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Just a thought, but have you considered not telling him certain stuff? My husband has a family member that he used to constantly worry about. I would pass along news or messages from the family on troubling events or I'd tell him if he asked. My grandpa had a talk with me and told me to keep things positive and not bring issues to his attention because it would only cause him anxiety and make him feel impotent since he couldn't do anything to help. So I took my grandpa's advice, and I stopped telling him about issues in his family. My husband is happier and more at peace. He is aware at this point that I withold drama from him because he'll occasionally find out drama from other family members and he'll ask me if I knew and I say yes. He also thanks me for doing this because it makes his time easier. Dealing with certain stuff on my own is my gift to him.
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Old 07-16-2018, 05:50 AM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is offline
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I'm not sure about the keeping things from him especially concerning his child. Losing her job and not having money for rent plus her mother not speaking to her are top big to hide. Plus, I like his guidance on how to.handle her. She can be tough and strong willed.

I'm the outsider. If she was my kid, she wouldn't be living on her own yet. Mentally she is too young. There are certain steps she didn't learn yet and is doing it the hard way.

We both promised each other no secrets. We can tell when the other is holding back. Besides, when she doesn't answer his calls for weeks we know something is up.

Other family I do t get involved in their stuff. Im not hiding. I just don't ask. Kids in my opinion are different.

Also, it reaffirms to him that he is needed at home and the consequences to his actions are farther reaching then he thought. In my opinion, this is not a bad thing.

Just keeping his head together sometimes is harder. He had a rough month and feels like it is compounded. This also does give me the opportunity to learn how he ticks in certain situations that we were never in before. How his mind works. Somethings we agree on and others not so much. This is true to all relationships though.
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Old 07-19-2018, 03:36 AM
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Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
I don't know if I need to vent or advice.

His 18 year old daughter decided to get her own apartment months ago. She was living with a boyfriend because she doesnt get along with her mother. Plus, she doesn't being told what to do.

She lost her job a few weeks ago and called me nervous. Had a meeting at her job and a new one lined up. Told her what to say to get her old job back. She listened. It worked, but knew she might be short on rent.

She is. We only hear from her when she is in "trouble". She goes through disappearing acts. Her mom blocked her from communicating with her and her dad is where he is. She answers the phone for a bit then ghosts for a few weeks.

He is freaking out because is not getting a good feeling and feels she is playing games. His family isn't watching out for her. They are fed up because she doesnt call them or have seen her in 7 months.

I'm giving her the money tonight because losingbher job wasn't really her fault and she did get it back. She is floundering in the wind and really is a kid. She wants to be grown, but she has a long way to go. We decided that she has to go see her grandma this week and I'm going to teach her to budget and save as part of the conditions.

She will also be made known that she can't assume I can just give her money. I only did once before for a ticket on her car that I paid directly. We thought it was best not to hand her cash directly.

I'm worried about her. I'm not her mother. I'm glad she trusts me because at times she will tell me things usually with the don't tell my dad. Nothing major but she doesn't want him to worry. I do tell him, so he knows what is going on with her.

I'm worried about him because he feels powerless and I don't want him to blow a fuse. He is doing so well and the less stressed he is the less problems he will have inside. I want him as calm as possible and to just come home as soon as he can.

I guess this became more of a vent. Lol I just wish he was home to handle somethings. She needs him. She does listen to him when he is home. They are close, but I think trauma of it all has affected her.
From my experience donít tell him things if you feel he canít handle it. I tell my bf whatís going on and he lost it. With his daughter my suggestion would be to help her this time but teach her how to handle it on her own. Iíd also explain that people arenít going to take your phone calls in the family being that they are only going to think you want something when you call. You donít call just to see how ppl are doing.
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Old 07-19-2018, 03:41 AM
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I'm not sure about the keeping things from him especially concerning his child. Losing her job and not having money for rent plus her mother not speaking to her are top big to hide. Plus, I like his guidance on how to.handle her. She can be tough and strong willed.

I'm the outsider. If she was my kid, she wouldn't be living on her own yet. Mentally she is too young. There are certain steps she didn't learn yet and is doing it the hard way.

We both promised each other no secrets. We can tell when the other is holding back. Besides, when she doesn't answer his calls for weeks we know something is up.

Other family I do t get involved in their stuff. Im not hiding. I just don't ask. Kids in my opinion are different.

Also, it reaffirms to him that he is needed at home and the consequences to his actions are farther reaching then he thought. In my opinion, this is not a bad thing.

Just keeping his head together sometimes is harder. He had a rough month and feels like it is compounded. This also does give me the opportunity to learn how he ticks in certain situations that we were never in before. How his mind works. Somethings we agree on and others not so much. This is true to all relationships though.
Building trust is a great way to look at it being that starting with secrets is being on the wrong foot.
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Old 07-19-2018, 04:57 AM
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From my experience donít tell him things if you feel he canít handle it. I tell my bf whatís going on and he lost it. With his daughter my suggestion would be to help her this time but teach her how to handle it on her own. Iíd also explain that people arenít going to take your phone calls in the family being that they are only going to think you want something when you call. You donít call just to see how ppl are doing.
She is keeping in contact with me more now. I also had to open myself up too. I stood back because I'm not her mother. I wasn't sure what do. So far she is open and appreciative.

She went to see her grandma. She is hanging out with her brother. It has only been two days, but she is back in everyone's orbit.
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Old 07-19-2018, 07:41 AM
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She is keeping in contact with me more now. I also had to open myself up too. I stood back because I'm not her mother. I wasn't sure what do. So far she is open and appreciative.

She went to see her grandma. She is hanging out with her brother. It has only been two days, but she is back in everyone's orbit.
She probably feels more comfortable speaking to you compared to speaking to her Mother about certain situations. If your going to be in the picture Iíd say be open Iím sure he will appreciate it in the long run. He will know whatís going on because of you. Iíd just give her sound advice from a grown woman that has her head on correctly perspective.not like your one of her little friends but almost like guidance like okay if this was my daughter I would tell her xyz and keep it real with her. Iíd let her know you have to check in with everyone check in with someone in the family so that they know that your okay the world we live in is crazy and your a young girl living alone she has to keep in contact so that ppl wonít be worried.
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Old 08-11-2018, 07:17 PM
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She probably feels more comfortable speaking to you compared to speaking to her Mother about certain situations. If your going to be in the picture I’d say be open I’m sure he will appreciate it in the long run. He will know what’s going on because of you. I’d just give her sound advice from a grown woman that has her head on correctly perspective.not like your one of her little friends but almost like guidance like okay if this was my daughter I would tell her xyz and keep it real with her. I’d let her know you have to check in with everyone check in with someone in the family so that they know that your okay the world we live in is crazy and your a young girl living alone she has to keep in contact so that ppl won’t be worried.
This is pretty much what I am doing. As an update: she has been visiting her grandma every week as requested and is happy to do so. His cousin lives upstairs and gave her a bunch of stuff for her apartment.

I asked her to make a list as I'm cleaning out my house for donations to the vets assoc, so if she needs anything I may have it. So, they are all reconciled and settling in.

I give her space, but check in with via text here and there. She answers when her father calls now, so we are all good on that front. We know she will pull stuff again and will have to reign her back in again.

I brought his son to see him last weekend. All moving in a positive direction. Keeping family ties is important. It is not perfect, but the best we can do. My schedule is nuts work wise and my boys have a million things going on.

I'm happy things are calmer. I want to do more, but only so much one person can do.
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Old 08-12-2018, 07:41 AM
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I am so glad things are going well. I had a lot of dealings with my Stepson he lived with his mother, but spent 99.9% of his time at my house while his Dad was away. His mother hated everyone at one point but has since given me credit for never turning my back on her son when he needed someone. For some reason he felt comfortable confiding in me and we till this day are great friends.
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Old 08-12-2018, 08:33 AM
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I am so glad things are going well. I had a lot of dealings with my Stepson he lived with his mother, but spent 99.9% of his time at my house while his Dad was away. His mother hated everyone at one point but has since given me credit for never turning my back on her son when he needed someone. For some reason he felt comfortable confiding in me and we till this day are great friends.
That is awesome! Kids do need outlets to talk. If their parents, hates the other one no matter how stable they need someone to talk to.

His son is younger and not as verbal with emotions. I would look at him and say it is weird huh? Or the hardest part is leaving. He would just take a deep breath and now. He was very angry with his dad and wouldn't speak to him for months. His daughter's reaction was the total opposite.

When I feel weird about intruding, he says you will be their stepmother so get over it. Lol They are your kids as much as they are mine and they love you.

His mother's health isn't great, but she is getting through each day.
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