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  #1  
Old 07-06-2018, 02:47 AM
LadyRampage LadyRampage is offline
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Default How often do/ did you visit your man?

I feel horrible because I barely visited him when he first got locked up. It weighed on me. Heís currently 2 hrs and 54 minutes away I try to get up there as often as I can now! How often do/ did you visit?
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Old 07-06-2018, 04:19 AM
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Why do you feel so bad? You didn't put him there... Relax!!
I'm an ocean away and I visit at least once a year and if I can swing it twice.
From your other posts I get the feeling that you are putting yourself under too much pressure and why would you even feel bad? I mean... I understand being sad and missing someone very much and needing time to go through the motions but (un-)fortunately we can get use to that as well.
Go when you can, don't let him make you feel bad if you cannot make it. Don't feel bad yourself if you cannot make it every single weekend. Are you the only one in his circle? What about his family?

Don't beat yourself up over all of this, do what you can but continue to live your life to the fullest
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Old 07-06-2018, 05:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
Why do you feel so bad? You didn't put him there... Relax!!
I'm an ocean away and I visit at least once a year and if I can swing it twice.
From your other posts I get the feeling that you are putting yourself under too much pressure and why would you even feel bad? I mean... I understand being sad and missing someone very much and needing time to go through the motions but (un-)fortunately we can get use to that as well.
Go when you can, don't let him make you feel bad if you cannot make it. Don't feel bad yourself if you cannot make it every single weekend. Are you the only one in his circle? What about his family?

Don't beat yourself up over all of this, do what you can but continue to live your life to the fullest
I felt bad because he told me that I would come and spend time with him every weekend when he was home. Itís true but I explained to him that being in the house and enjoying eachothers company isnít the same as going up to a jail! Iím not the only one in his circle is Mom is in our state his father and his brothers are in Florida. I feel much better in regards to how I dealt with this compared to a few months ago when things were fresh. I try to keep myself busy and I donít allow myself to think about it for too long! His words not mine he notices that the same people that heíd have time for beforehand arenít available now. He seeís things for what they are.
Aww thanks for your kind words I appreciate it!!
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Old 07-06-2018, 05:19 AM
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I visit my husband once every two weeks we find it makes the time go faster because we countdown to our visit. It really does make the time go by faster.
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Old 07-06-2018, 06:15 AM
LadyRampage LadyRampage is offline
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Originally Posted by nygirl17 View Post
I visit my husband once every two weeks we find it makes the time go faster because we countdown to our visit. It really does make the time go by faster.
Thatís a good idea and a great way to think about it.
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Old 07-06-2018, 06:31 AM
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I visit every 3 months.

Not be able to go home together after each visit is hard and always will be. But seeing him is bigger than the sadness I feel.

Seeing him, laughing with him, kissing him, watching him walk out the door to me is what I look forward too. The tight hugs we give each other and the intense conversations is what I look forward too.

Don't beat yourself up for what you did/didn't do in the past. Focus on the now and continue visiting him. Like NYGIRL said visits do make the time go by faster..

Last edited by BearsLadyBear; 07-06-2018 at 07:00 AM..
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Old 07-06-2018, 06:44 AM
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I visit mine once a month , I agree with nygirl17 it makes the time go by much faster and I don’t think I could go more frequent emotion wise it’s nice seeing him but the leaving part takes too much of a toll on me and I see it in his face too though he won’t admit it
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Old 07-06-2018, 08:45 AM
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I'm divorced from my first husband and still have 3 kids at home who go with him every other weekend which affects how often I can see my husband, who is a plane flight away. Because I only have every other weekend free, it's too hard for me to visit every other weekend because I would never be able to come up for air myself. So, during the school year I was coming once/month, but there were a few times my ex and I had switched a few weekends around due to other circumstances so I would up going up every 3 weeks a couple of times which was ideal.

Now in summer, one of my kids is at overnight camp, and my daughters are working and can easily go back and forth to their father who is more flexible, and since I don't work in summer, I too can be more flexible, so I am trying to visit every other weekend.

One of my brothers has visited and the other one is visiting next weekend.

We do what we can and you have to do what works for you.

The issues we have had to endure, or more so my husband, is that there is a lot of pettiness and jealousy by other inmates whenever my husband has a visitor. Most guys in there never have a visitor. When I come, I generally come for the entire 3 days of visiting, since I'm flying anyway so will make the most of the time. But the pettiness is hard for my husband and he has gotten to the point of not even telling them when I'm coming, but of course when he is in his "greens" and no one else is, they know. For instance, I visited him on Wednesday for the holiday, and he got shit over it. Turns out only 8 inmates had visitors. I then am just staying here thru Monday. Doing personal stuff killing time. That works for me, but doesn't work for all. You will figure it out. Don't let him or other people make you feel guilty. It can get tiring, especially if you have to travel in cold months.

We just hit the halfway point, so just under 7 months left of this to go. Not sure I could visit this often if he had a long term sentence. It gets old.

Hang in there.
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:03 AM
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I go every two weeks. When the weather was shitty or a holiday fell during that time, it would be only once that month. This month in trying for 3x, then back to normal until the winter is over.

You have to do what works for you emotionally and financially. I'm bringing his mother for the 1st time. He has been at this location since the Fall. It is a big deal for both of them. She has been ill and finally well enough to take the 4 hr ride. I'm hoping doing it all in one day isn't too much for her. They both need it.
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Old 07-06-2018, 09:14 AM
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Also, dont be so hard on yourself. Driving that much to see him for an hr if he is still in county is not exactly quality time. Plus it takes like 3 hrs to get in.

Remember, they don't know the outside process at all. I had to describe it in detail a lot because he couldn't wrap his mind around it im the beginning.

There was one time u had a full out panic attack and left. The nerves of everything got to me. Be kind to yourself. Communicate well with him.

Again, he screwed up not you. Don't own his stuff. He has to own that. Yet, having visiting and such makes them feel more human and hopeful.
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  #11  
Old 07-06-2018, 09:22 AM
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I visited every other weekend...but he was only an hour away. If he was 3 hours away it MIGHT have been once a month.
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Old 07-06-2018, 12:22 PM
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It is a 4hr and 10min drive and I go every other Saturday and we video visit on one of the Saturdays that I don't go. he is only allowed 3 visits on weekends. It is a long drive, I end up driving over 1000 miles a month. it wasn't bad a first, but it is very tiring now. You do the best you can do. because it becomes a bit much at times. I will add that I do not have small children and I am off work on the weekends, So that helps with things.
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Old 07-06-2018, 12:25 PM
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Years ago my husband was only 30 minutes from me, I went sat & sun every week for 13 months. Sometimes me and stepson went sometimes his mother went or a friend but I would never do this again, at the time I had the time and money to do that. Last time I didn't get approved till my husband was sick and dying, made my life and his awful. I was 4-5 hours from his prison. I at least got to talk everyday till he was sick, that's when they moved him and no one could talk or visit it was a nightmare. So any visit or call was a god send to us at the time.
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Old 07-06-2018, 07:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyRampage View Post
I feel horrible because I barely visited him when he first got locked up. It weighed on me. Heís currently 2 hrs and 54 minutes away I try to get up there as often as I can now! How often do/ did you visit?
I am happy chica that you're able to go!(more) now, that's a nice thing isn't it?
Aw.
and btw(by the way)DON'T let it weight you down, and if he truly IN love and respect you,and love you chica, he would tell you it's ok, even if he want to see u so bad, real love overcome the fact you're not always "able"to go, that is what PHONE calls are for, just as relevant regularly as a visit over several hours away. I pray for you,and pm me anytime you want. God bless you both, glad you are able to go or "trying"to go more now... Hugs,Blessings for you tonight, adios. buenas noches(good night)
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Old 07-08-2018, 12:41 AM
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I live in California, he is incarcerated in Colorado.

The first year I visited (2016,) I was lucky to see him in late June and again in December. We weren't officially in a relationship until April 2nd of that year because I had underlying circumstances of a terminally ill husband. However, M is my childhood best friend and we had an understanding that I'd be with him next, and my late husband approved.

2017 I was lucky to be able to spend 6 weekends with him (getting things together to get married, which we did two weekends before I left) before I went back to California. I was able to spend another weekend with him less than two weeks later. Then he went into halfway house and his "therapist" banned contact between us. I didn't hear from him between October 10th 2017 and April 18th 2018.

I haven't been able to visit him since early August and it's looking like late September/early October right now before I can again.
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Old 07-09-2018, 08:15 PM
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I feel horrible because I barely visited him when he first got locked up. It weighed on me. Heís currently 2 hrs and 54 minutes away I try to get up there as often as I can now! How often do/ did you visit?
Heís 6 1/2 hours away so I tried to visit every 3-4 months. Trying to visit often is costly for me hotel, rental, gas. Since Iím in the process of saving to move I havenít been to visit since December 17 sucks
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Old 07-09-2018, 08:16 PM
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It’s very hard not visiting often but we’re making it

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Old 07-09-2018, 08:18 PM
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Heís 6 1/2 hours away so I tried to visit every 3-4 months. Trying to visit often is costly for me hotel, rental, gas. Since Iím in the process of saving to move I havenít been to visit since December 17 sucks
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Old 07-11-2018, 08:20 PM
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I feel horrible because I barely visited him when he first got locked up. It weighed on me. Heís currently 2 hrs and 54 minutes away I try to get up there as often as I can now! How often do/ did you visit?
My husband is 6.5 hrs away. I try and go twice a month but being the only income and the only owner of our business avaliable plus having two kids under the age of ten, sometimes it's difficult. But we make the most out of every visit. I get there right when it starts and stay until it's over (knock on wood, we've never had a visit terminated because of overcrowding.)
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Old 07-11-2018, 09:37 PM
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Londongirl94 - I agree, walking away and leaving him behind weighs heavy on me every time. Right now while he is in the detention facility its about an hour away and I go one to two times a week. Once he leaves to wherever they send him, I have no idea how far away he will be or how often I will be able to see him. I'm looking for work to support him and the family so how much time I will have to travel will be small. I pray/meditate daily, I think its the only keeping me somewhat sane. Hugs to all you ladies, I include you all is my positive vibes.
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Old 07-12-2018, 12:19 AM
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When he was 6 hours away, I saw him once. When he was 2 hours away, I went every other weekend. When he was 45min away, I was there every weekend.

If I didn’t have any kids at home or a job that required weekend work, I would’ve seen him way more often when he was further away, but life goes on out here. No need to feel guilty for not being a lady of leisure with no other obligations.
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Old 07-14-2018, 07:21 PM
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When he was an hour and 15 mintues away, I visited every Sunday. But he was transferred 300 miles away last October and I've only seen him twice - both times were in December. I would visit on the weekends, but they only allow 1 weekend visit per month and weekend visits are only an hour. I have to visit during the week which requires using vacation time. I found out I was pregnant in December and I'm now 8 months pregnant and I need my vacation days for maternity leave. I won't be seeing him until after the baby is born. It sucks especially since pictures at visits have finally began after over a decade w/o them and because he really wanted to see me pregnant and to get a picture, but it's my life right now and he understands that.
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Old 07-17-2018, 09:18 PM
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I am 40 minutes away from my husband, so my son and I go once a week. We are so very lucky he is so close so we’re taking full advantage of it.
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Old 07-17-2018, 09:28 PM
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We were on opposite coasts. We got four weekends of two 6 hour visits a year plus Thanksgiving and once when he was in the SHU I flew out to visit him for an hour behind glass because it was his Birthday.
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Old 07-17-2018, 09:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyRampage View Post
I feel horrible because I barely visited him when he first got locked up. It weighed on me. Heís currently 2 hrs and 54 minutes away I try to get up there as often as I can now! How often do/ did you visit?
My boyfriend was only an hour and a half from me so I visited him every weekend. Heís at the county right now waiting for ISF, he will be sent to a facility thatís 3 hours away from me soon, but I will try to go see him stilll every weekend, if they allow me at work. I used to go see him in the morning since I work 3pm-midnight, so it wasnít a problem for me to make it on time.
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