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  #1  
Old 10-18-2010, 05:06 PM
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Default Found out he is still writing a girl he was seeing before he got locked up

Ok ladies, I need some advice. Ok here's the back story. Me and my man were together when I was 16 we split due to circumstances, but not because we didn't want to be together, then a couple years later we got back together, but he was locked up. Then I got scared that this was gonna be our life him in and out of jail and I ran. Well he got out and we ran into one another a few times, but I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend.... so years past 11 since the last time we saw each other. Then he got locked up this year in July, well I found out so I wrote him. Really just to catch up from all the years apart. I was just seperating from my husband at the time and he was seeing a girl he says he told her they were just friends, but they were sleeping together, so that is not just friends. Anyway to the point now, once we started writing each other we talked about being back together again. So I asked him about all the girls in his life before he got locked up and he told me "he was done with all of them and he only wanted to be with me" So now last week I find out he is still writing the girl that was only his "friend" and she says they are together. But really she couldn't keep her story straight and I caught her in a few lies...not making excuses for him cause really he should never had told me he was done if obviously he wasnt. So I wrote him and asked him his side of the story, cause that is how I would want someone to come at me in that situation. You know there is always two sides to the story and then the truth!!!lol I understand we werent together before he got locked up and he is worried about me running again and the husband situation, but I never lie to him and promised him I wouldn't run this time, he says we were kids then and we both made mistakes, but I think it may still bother him more than he is letting on. Anyways, should I be mad about this other girl stuff? I am a little, but kinda think I understand at the same time. I'm going crazy waiting for his reply on the whole situation and could use some advice or words of encouragement.
Thanks ladies.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:20 PM
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Red flags!!!!! If he is writing this girl and she says they are together what reason do she have to lie to you? I'm sorry to say but u don't want him lying to u this sounds like a big mess
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:27 PM
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Are you divorced from your husband? It really has only been a couple of months since you guys have been communicating and with your situation you may have to prove you are trust worthy that you will really stick by him this time.I wouldn't really get mad at him right now but i would let him know how I feel and what i can and cannot deal with from here on out ( i mean with situation pertaining to your relationship). And if you guys are really going to work it out this time set some clear boundaries for the both of you and what you both can live with.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:27 PM
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At the same time, women nowadays are so petty. She could be lying to just keep u away from him. Wait for his response to draw ur conclusion.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:31 PM
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They say any relationship is like a house with an upstairs.They both have 2 stories.That being said,i think it sounds like they BOTH are not being completely honest with you.I would proceed with caution.Often times where there's smoke there's fire BUT they also say assumptions are the lowest form of communication.I'm sorry i really don't know what to tell you except to proceed with caution and guard your heart.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:38 PM
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It's gonna take more than a few letters to get things really situated between you and your friend. You said you separated from your husband around July - either you're still married or you're still going through the divorce process, right (and if I'm wrong please correct me)? He's still figuring out what this other girl is and/or isn't to him. Take your time, girl. Tell him that this whole thing with that other girl bothers you mainly because he told you that he was done with all the other girls from his past. Approach him as a friend - no matter how strong your romantic feelings are. Tell him you're just looking for honesty and stand by your word when it comes to not running. You two aren't children anymore - adulthood and all it's complexities will change the way you think, the way you approach things and the way you handle others around you and life's many curve balls. People will tell you that catching your friend in a lie is a red flag. I say it's more like a yellow flag, only because you two are still establishing your relationship. You'd be wise to not jump in heart-first. I've learned that it's possible to fall in love very quickly, but building and maintaining trust and solid communication is a constant work in progress. It can be exhausting, but learning to trust and grow with someone through all the good and the bad and the in-between things that life throws at us is probably the single most rewarding experience I've ever had.

Just go easy, girl. Go slow. Talk it out. Absorb what he tells you and also what you see, hear and think on your own.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:40 PM
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Hi love, It sounds like you did the rite thing by writing and asking him. Now I know how hard the waiting time is going to be but if it makes you feel any better all now be waiting with you and hoping you get the reply your hoping for. Stay strong and remember where here to listen.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:16 PM
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You have to be careful my husbands ex girlfriend said he was still writing her telling her he loved her etc i asked to see the letter she said no then finally brought it to me i looked at the post mark date on the envelope it was from 5 years ago. Some women just like to start drama.
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:00 PM
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SMH. This has been a bad week for us on these boards. What is going on with our men???

The letters that he's sending her are stamps, paper etc that could be going towards you..
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:21 PM
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If u are both "with him" then why dont the both of you pay him a visit together and staighten things out.. This is something I would do. Obviously one of them is either lying or confused so do what you gota do to figure it out so u dont look like a fool!
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by secondtimer View Post
Are you divorced from your husband? It really has only been a couple of months since you guys have been communicating and with your situation you may have to prove you are trust worthy that you will really stick by him this time.I wouldn't really get mad at him right now but i would let him know how I feel and what i can and cannot deal with from here on out ( i mean with situation pertaining to your relationship). And if you guys are really going to work it out this time set some clear boundaries for the both of you and what you both can live with.
No not divorced yet, but it is in the works. I know I have something to prove to him and him to I , so I did tell him how it made me feel and what I wont put up with! So still waiting for his response.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted by K.O.'s WiFe View Post
If u are both "with him" then why dont the both of you pay him a visit together and staighten things out.. This is something I would do. Obviously one of them is either lying or confused so do what you gota do to figure it out so u dont look like a fool!
That would be quite funny!
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Rbarger View Post
You have to be careful my husbands ex girlfriend said he was still writing her telling her he loved her etc i asked to see the letter she said no then finally brought it to me i looked at the post mark date on the envelope it was from 5 years ago. Some women just like to start drama.
Yeah shes drama he told me that when we first started writing, that she was all in love with him and that he told her they were just friends, but he still led her on I believe. When you sleep with someone who loves you, they get emotionally connected. But she wouldnt read anything he said to her, to me. And her posts on her facebook a couple days before we talked sounded like something happened with a guy that didn't want to be with her anymore.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:40 PM
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Thanks ladies, you guys really help me when I need it the most. I got a beautiful letter from him today. So hard to write back when I dont know what his side is. But I did write a few mad letters when I first found out, cause I was upset,but I didnt send them.I'm glad I had a time to do the right thing and ask before I believe some girl. Cause some girls cause drama and she gave me red flags about her story, if she didnt get caught in lies when I talked to her, I probably would have believed her. But it definatly made me pull back a little and come down from the love cloud...lol He was my first love, so he really has a hold on my heart, but I have been hurt one too many times, so I am kind of glad this happened, to snap me back a little.
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Old 10-19-2010, 02:10 AM
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It sounds to me like he may well be guarding his own heart until he gets some proof that things with you might be different this time. I mean you say that the divorce is in progress and I get that but maybe if you are in a cell with time to think you might be wondering if it is all for real or if there might be some chance of a reconciliation.

To be honest I would be more concerned if I were the other woman as she seems to be the one that is being used without due thought for her feelings and emotions.

I think you have done the right thing by asking him outright and it is good that you can see that you both have some work to do if you are going to build a future together.

I wish you both the best.
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:28 AM
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I agree with dames girl red flags all the way, u spent mad time apart so why the rush now?? Take the time so u don't make the same mistake AGAIN
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:36 AM
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He lied to you, if thats the kind of relationship you want stay with him i can promise you he WILL lie again.
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:57 AM
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Quote:
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It sounds to me like he may well be guarding his own heart until he gets some proof that things with you might be different this time. I mean you say that the divorce is in progress and I get that but maybe if you are in a cell with time to think you might be wondering if it is all for real or if there might be some chance of a reconciliation.

To be honest I would be more concerned if I were the other woman as she seems to be the one that is being used without due thought for her feelings and emotions.

I think you have done the right thing by asking him outright and it is good that you can see that you both have some work to do if you are going to build a future together.

I wish you both the best.
Thank you very much. I believe he may be feeling exactly that way. He does say little things about that, but tries to act like he has no worries. I understand cause I do the same thing with him. I try not to, I try to stay strong and confident, but it's hard sometimes.
I do feel bad for the other girl, cause she told me some things on how he treated her when he was with her on the outside. I was like DUH he didn't want you, but at the same time I seen it with her, it made me question if he was gonna do the same thing to me and if I would be able to see it.I would hope so. I dont think he would do that, but I cant be blind either.
I'm trying not to have fears, but I am only human. This is gonna be a long 7-9 months of waiting for him to get out so I can find out if we will make it. I'm here and I have to find out, cause I cant let go and neither can he. I'm here for him and will be, but I will definatly let him know how I feel and where I stand.
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:08 PM
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Your doing the rite thing by not reacting, Wait till you get his reply love.
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:19 PM
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Your doing the rite thing by not reacting, Wait till you get his reply love.
Thanks! It was hard to for me, but I want to make this relationship last. I have been waiting years to be with him again and I don't want to let anything step in the way. SO... I am trying to make better decisions and not let people or things they say make me doubt us again. Its hard cause we cant talk in person right now, but I should get his response any time now. Hope he appreciates that I came to him for his side first and showed him the respect! Just worried that he may be mad about it all, but he is entitled to his feelings and so am I. You know growing up is hard to do...lol I thought I had it all figured out, but at 33 I am realizing I had somethings figured out and alot to still figure out!
Thanks again for all the support, it is truely appreciated!!
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:35 PM
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So he is STILL writing her? Yes, you should be mad. I don't believe in that 'just friends' crap either. People who are 'just friends' screw around all the time. Oh my favorite one is, "He's like my brother." EHH wrong turn!!!! BEEP BEEP approach with caution!!

If he has stopped writing her, there is nothing to worry about. But you stated they are continuing communication, which is an issue.
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:37 PM
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You hope he appreciates that you showed him respect??? Really? He didn't show you any. Whether this girl is lying or not, he told you he wasn't writing anyone but he is. Lies are like roaches, where there's one there's more.

My advice to you is to keep this on a friendship level only for the time being. You haven't been waiting for him for years because you have been married and your divorce isn't final. All past loves look good when you are going thru a break up, especially first loves that we hold up so high. He only has 7-9 months left so there is no need to get everything sorted out now, just wait till he gets home when you can BOTH prove that you are 100 in a relationship to each other. You also need to think that if he is telling her things and possibly using her, he could be doing the exact same to you...telling you what you want to hear. Like you said he tells you that the divorce thing doesn't bother him but you can tell it does...maybe he's saying it doesn't bother him to hold onto you for the next 7-9 months...then when he gets out all the sudden it bothers him so much he can't take it. Just saying. These are all possible situations. And to be honest he can write whatever he wants back to you...of course she's lying, I told her this and that...but how do you REALLY know? Like I said, one lie means there's usually more. So slow your roll, continue writing and getting to know each other as ADULTS, then see what happens when he gets out.
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:54 PM
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Quote:
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You hope he appreciates that you showed him respect??? Really? He didn't show you any. Whether this girl is lying or not, he told you he wasn't writing anyone but he is. Lies are like roaches, where there's one there's more.

My advice to you is to keep this on a friendship level only for the time being. You haven't been waiting for him for years because you have been married and your divorce isn't final. All past loves look good when you are going thru a break up, especially first loves that we hold up so high. He only has 7-9 months left so there is no need to get everything sorted out now, just wait till he gets home when you can BOTH prove that you are 100 in a relationship to each other. You also need to think that if he is telling her things and possibly using her, he could be doing the exact same to you...telling you what you want to hear. Like you said he tells you that the divorce thing doesn't bother him but you can tell it does...maybe he's saying it doesn't bother him to hold onto you for the next 7-9 months...then when he gets out all the sudden it bothers him so much he can't take it. Just saying. These are all possible situations. And to be honest he can write whatever he wants back to you...of course she's lying, I told her this and that...but how do you REALLY know? Like I said, one lie means there's usually more. So slow your roll, continue writing and getting to know each other as ADULTS, then see what happens when he gets out.
I thought about the using me part also, you make very valid points, ones that have gone through my mind already... I hate looking at everything from a million different view points.....which I do.Thanks for your point of view.
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Old 10-21-2010, 08:25 AM
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No reply letter yet, hopefully today or soon here. I got a beautiful 7 page letter working on alot of our feelings from the past and letting each other know how, why and how we felt about all that. Feels good to clear all that up finally! I didn't know how he really felt back then and I guess he didn't know how I really felt either, crazy kids!!! lol.. But I hope we work all this out and figure it all out. I know he has concerns, but acts confident like he knows I am here with him and not running, but we are human and we go off past sometimes, unfortunatly!
Thanks for listening to me, I probably sound "crazy", but I don't have a lot of people to talk to about all this, they don't understand and don't want to hear about it. I have to talk things out to make sense of it all, just who I am and people use it against me.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:44 AM
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I wouldn't even put too much stock in a letter. Anyone can write anything. Wait until he gets out, then you'll see. If he's still writing the other girl, you know he's in some kind of relationship with her that he's not willing to stop. I don't think she's just a friend or he could drop it without too much thought. Give it time as his actions when he's out will show where he truly wants to be.
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