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Now That Your Loved One Is Home... Please share stories about your loved one now they are home.

View Poll Results: Cell phone in prison,or in a halfway house,smoking,drugs.What would you do?
I would tell her,him if he does NOT stop, i am leaving for good and NOT coming back. 25 31.65%
i would understand since he or she has been incarcerated 4 so long,and i would support it(for now) 5 6.33%
I would help her or him realize the huge risk they are taking by having a cell phone,drugs etc., 40 50.63%
I would leave BEFORE it get worse.If he change 4 the better,we can then talk about reuniting. 8 10.13%
Other(Please comment below) Thanks Pto'ers! 1 1.27%
Voters: 79. You may not vote on this poll

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  #51  
Old 01-27-2018, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by MissStar View Post
I would not be able to handle my husband going back to prison... when he is released he already understands the expectations that I have of him.
My entire soul would be shattered if he made any risks that could jeopardize his freedom and our family.

That being said, other than the one incident that brought him to prison he had a clean criminal record and is a good man and father.
I am fully confident that this time in prison he has 100% learned his lesson with drinking and driving.
No offense but you really have no clue until they come home!!! It's all well and good to speculate on what your guy will do but sometimes the reality is totally different and I am sure OP never thought she'd be in this position. As for breaking halfway house rules he's crazy to think he's going to keep getting away with it. I know its hard but drugs and cell phones are not going to help him stay free. No I wouldn't put up with it.
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  #52  
Old 01-27-2018, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by xolady View Post
No offense but you really have no clue until they come home!!! It's all well and good to speculate on what your guy will do but sometimes the reality is totally different and I am sure OP never thought she'd be in this position. As for breaking halfway house rules he's crazy to think he's going to keep getting away with it. I know its hard but drugs and cell phones are not going to help him stay free. No I wouldn't put up with it.
I agree that no one ever knows what they would do in a situation until they're in the situation and shouldn't judge anyone. But speaking for myself, two things I have told my husband after him being away for just barely two months for a white collar crime. 1) Don't do anything stupid like this ever again. If he does, I'm not going through it with him a second time. (The incident happened in 2006, we weren't even married until 2012, so this was a long time ago, but regardless, it's consumed our lives since 2011 when an investigation began). and 2) As he is an only child, I've had the pleasure of dealing with his mother, who had the nerve to say her situation is worse than his (trust me, it isn't. She's healthy, has $ to live in a nice building, is not wanting for anything other than attention, etc.) and is very negative (clearly a narcissist), so I told him if he ever turns into her and is negative like that, then I'm definitely divorcing him! Lol. Thank god he said he has a zest to live life and can't wait for the future. That was a relief.

Bottom line, the OP has to do what's right for her. She can roll with it, or not. But if he hasn't learned his lesson, he is at risk for getting caught again and she just has to be aware of that and be willing to go down that road again. Some of us are, some of us aren't. It is very hard to walk away from the person you love, but sometimes walking away is the right thing to do.
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  #53  
Old 01-27-2018, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by xolady View Post
No offense but you really have no clue until they come home!!! It's all well and good to speculate on what your guy will do but sometimes the reality is totally different and I am sure OP never thought she'd be in this position. As for breaking halfway house rules he's crazy to think he's going to keep getting away with it. I know its hard but drugs and cell phones are not going to help him stay free. No I wouldn't put up with it.


My husband drank and drove (first time) and hit a car. He’s not an alcoholic or an addict - just an idiot one time. Decided to drive his car across the street to his house from the bar instead of walk. But you’re absolutely right! We’ll see how it goes when he gets out. ❤️
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  #54  
Old 01-27-2018, 12:00 PM
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My husband drank and drove (first time) and hit a car. He’s not an alcoholic or an addict - just an idiot one time. Decided to drive his car across the street to his house from the bar instead of walk. But you’re absolutely right! We’ll see how it goes when he gets out. ❤️
See I don't believe this was the first time ever he drank and drove, but I could be wrong. More like first time he was caught. I know a lot about DUI's I worked in a bar for years and everyone say's it was the first time, generally first time they got caught. Back on topic we all think we know what we would do but generally what happens is we are faced with decisions we are not prepared to make when someone screws up when they get out.
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  #55  
Old 01-27-2018, 01:38 PM
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See I don't believe this was the first time ever he drank and drove, but I could be wrong. More like first time he was caught. I know a lot about DUI's I worked in a bar for years and everyone say's it was the first time, generally first time they got caught. Back on topic we all think we know what we would do but generally what happens is we are faced with decisions we are not prepared to make when someone screws up when they get out.


It would definitely be a hard decision to make!!! You’re 100% right about that!
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  #56  
Old 01-27-2018, 03:19 PM
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It would definitely be a hard decision to make!!! You’re 100% right about that!
We all think we have boundaries and I know for me mine were tested over and over and in the end I didn't care what the law said I knew what was right. I will never be ok with breaking the law even though I understand it.
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  #57  
Old 01-27-2018, 03:59 PM
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This thread should somehow be tagged as the penultimate reply to 'the system set them up to fail' given the enabling and turning a blind eye to willing violation of rules in a HWH environment that some will tolerate.

When someone in this setting goes back to prison for violation of the rules, the system didn't set them up. They made a choice. I would hope that people would choose not to enable the releasee. Walking away may not be easy, but the releasee needs to understand that they have ONE choice- follow the rules and keep the relationship OR be an idiot and lose the relationship.
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  #58  
Old 01-27-2018, 04:43 PM
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This thread should somehow be tagged as the penultimate reply to 'the system set them up to fail' given the enabling and turning a blind eye to willing violation of rules in a HWH environment that some will tolerate.

When someone in this setting goes back to prison for violation of the rules, the system didn't set them up. They made a choice. I would hope that people would choose not to enable the releasee. Walking away may not be easy, but the releasee needs to understand that they have ONE choice- follow the rules and keep the relationship OR be an idiot and lose the relationship.
The same can be said for follow the rules and remain free, break the rules and go back to prison, or stay in prison! My husband has a roommate who in prison is buying drugs and claims he wants to get clean, but is really not making much effort. He is supposed to be in RDAP but can't get to RDAP if he isn't clean. Obviously the prison knows he isn't clean, but unless they catch him "in the act" they don't do anything. This is so stupid! Isn't it enough to just give him a test and let him test positive for something? People are so against drug rehab or treatment in prison because they don't want to pay, yet what do they think we're paying for? This guy is still getting his drugs, and we're paying for a roof over his head, and meals, and giving him a job. Oh and he's stealing food from the kitchen to then sell in order to buy the drugs! This guy was arrested with the possibility of 3 life sentences and ultimately only wound up with 5 years! He got a second chance and is still f'ing it up. Something is really wrong with that picture. My husband has also said the guy reeks and I'm not sure if it's this roommate or the last roommate that hardly bathes, but you can't tell me that the staff doesn't notice. My point is, not everyone learns their lesson while they're in or out of prison, and the prisons are definitely not going to rehab people if they don't want to rehab people so this guy is either going to die in prison, or get out and end up right back in there since he is still doing the drugs in prison.

I don't think the CO's are in on it, I just think they get complacent as they are overworked and understaffed and no one above them gives a damn. 12 CO's for more than 700 prisoners. They aren't all working 24/7. Those are ridiculously high ratios and they are mixing inmates together that don't belong together, which probably is what makes their jobs harder than they should be since they can't be in a million places at one time!
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  #59  
Old 01-29-2018, 11:10 PM
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I agree that no one ever knows what they would do in a situation until they're in the situation and shouldn't judge anyone. But speaking for myself, two things I have told my husband after him being away for just barely two months for a white collar crime. 1) Don't do anything stupid like this ever again. If he does, I'm not going through it with him a second time. (The incident happened in 2006, we weren't even married until 2012, so this was a long time ago, but regardless, it's consumed our lives since 2011 when an investigation began). and 2) As he is an only child, I've had the pleasure of dealing with his mother, who had the nerve to say her situation is worse than his (trust me, it isn't. She's healthy, has $ to live in a nice building, is not wanting for anything other than attention, etc.) and is very negative (clearly a narcissist), so I told him if he ever turns into her and is negative like that, then I'm definitely divorcing him! Lol. Thank god he said he has a zest to live life and can't wait for the future. That was a relief.

Bottom line, the OP has to do what's right for her. She can roll with it, or not. But if he hasn't learned his lesson, he is at risk for getting caught again and she just has to be aware of that and be willing to go down that road again. Some of us are, some of us aren't. It is very hard to walk away from the person you love, but sometimes walking away is the right thing to do.


Rock Chalk:
Good evening to you.

and chica, i love ur post and i hope it truly work out for u. just checking mi thread update here, and hola! (hi)
Oh no. I am not the type to just sit there and see negativity going on,and roll with it, no matter what. I know who i am and what i am about and he has to now get his own life together,as i have mine. Did so much for him. I have no regret on that part. He prove himself all the time but (while inside prison)while i was always sharing with others here, to motivate others.But i also said, if u are NOT seeing ACTION, on your partner's end, time to re-evaluate your relationship or move on.Life way too short and now, i continue to live and take mi own advice, and i am feeling just fine about the choices i've made regarding him.
-

I have no sleep-loss while i am living mi bien vida.(my good life)while he is um "getting himself together back in the real world that he find so hard to be "free in" "or supposedly getting himself altogether to prove "to me."smh *shrugs*who knows. He calls . I no longer rush 2 answer. For what. I know what the words of falsity shall say to me and i am above that. However i told him, (already full update)so i will see if he is getting himself together.i do not think so, then again i don't think about it at all daily anymore, as i leave it all as i said en GOD's hands, through Gods work if we are truly meant to be, trust me it'll be.I will keep all posted here at wonderful PTO. Hugs and Blessings.Adios. . .
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Last edited by a.rare.love; 01-29-2018 at 11:14 PM..
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  #60  
Old 01-29-2018, 11:29 PM
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Translation - he doesn’t have enough cash left over for his OWN “hygiene products” after trading his cash (or products) for drugs.
Evening.
IKR... Yep and actually,i just read this.

I must've skipped this post, lo siento(i am sorry) and now i see it.You are 100 percent right, thus,i know it was/is more than drug(weed) he is hooked on. It's clear as day Marseille. I know that. I recall in prison he would talk of how men would trade for this, trade for that, and how he would "never" ever be hooked on anything that he know harmed his severely addicted mom back in his old hood. He would preach that so much til he was blue in the face... You're right... I know it's more than"weed-addiction." Giving him his time to get it together. I am meanwhile, doing me, focus on mi business(multi-biz) soon in law school 2018, and mi nice drama-free life." He know how i am feeling, and he know exactly how i feel and what we last spoke on. Hence, time will tell. Thanks for your post Marseille. God bless... Adios."G-night PTO er's...
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Last edited by a.rare.love; 01-29-2018 at 11:33 PM..
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  #61  
Old 01-29-2018, 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeTraveler View Post
Alrighty then, this thread has been cleaned up and has now been re-opened. Remember, the topic at hand is "My LO is at a half way house and is breaking the rules. What would you do?"

Now, with all of that being said, some kind of way this thread became derailed discussing things that could have better been said off the boards, and we're NOT going to bicker about it here.

All of us here on the boards are involved with the prison system in one way or another via people that we care about deeply. As much as we hate to admit it, we know they got there by breaking the rules of society. While they are locked up, we hope and pray that they can change their habits and ways of thinking and come out to be productive members of society.

When our loved ones come out, if they still continue to break the rules of society without care, then it is up to each individual involved as to how much and what they will tolerate from their loved ones before they decide enough is enough. All we can do is set the example, and if that is not good enough, then at some point we have to cut the ties in order to live a peaceful life. Each individual's circumstances are different, and some former inmates will reform. Sadly, others will not, and that's just the way it is.

I just post again in this thread, busy with schooling/business stuff so i see it was a bit cleaned-up thanks so much moderators at PTO. and,

Yes, that is pretty much the relevant topic, so thanks again PTO Mod-team. I also highlight a few things about your post i like. I personally tried to be (at each turn) yes the "example"and while giving him as read here regularly back what he was giving me, for years, such a long time(through action on both ends)while in prison, i see out here it's diff. I still pray to GOD he "get it together"as he say he will.I meanwhile,shall not miss another day in a very short life for all of us, that GOD is blessing us good people with. I will continue to do me,and while i pray he get it together, my life shall NOT stop because he can't." #TimeWillTell
Thanks Mods.
Gracia. Good night.Hugs -n-blessings to all."
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Old 01-30-2018, 12:23 AM
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Originally Posted by a.rare.love View Post
Rock Chalk:
Good evening to you.

and chica, i love ur post and i hope it truly work out for u. just checking mi thread update here, and hola! (hi)
Oh no. I am not the type to just sit there and see negativity going on,and roll with it, no matter what. I know who i am and what i am about and he has to now get his own life together,as i have mine. Did so much for him. I have no regret on that part. He prove himself all the time but (while inside prison)while i was always sharing with others here, to motivate others.But i also said, if u are NOT seeing ACTION, on your partner's end, time to re-evaluate your relationship or move on.Life way too short and now, i continue to live and take mi own advice, and i am feeling just fine about the choices i've made regarding him.
-

I have no sleep-loss while i am living mi bien vida.(my good life)while he is um "getting himself together back in the real world that he find so hard to be "free in" "or supposedly getting himself altogether to prove "to me."smh *shrugs*who knows. He calls . I no longer rush 2 answer. For what. I know what the words of falsity shall say to me and i am above that. However i told him, (already full update)so i will see if he is getting himself together.i do not think so, then again i don't think about it at all daily anymore, as i leave it all as i said en GOD's hands, through Gods work if we are truly meant to be, trust me it'll be.I will keep all posted here at wonderful PTO. Hugs and Blessings.Adios. . .
Good for you girlie! You must be so strong, living your life the best you can, you go girl! I totally get that drugs are an addiction and for some people they just can't kick it, but there is help out there and sometimes you just have to do whatever you can to avoid the situation altogether. People need to want help, and some do some don't. My husband has a roommate in the prison, 25 years old, was facing 3 life sentences for selling drugs, and dodged a major bullet by getting only 60 months. Had a second chance, plus recommended for RDAP due to his very obvious drug use as very much addressed in the judgment by the judge. Also has like a 2 year old kid. This guy has totally blown it, my husband said he smokes pot in there, does fentanyl, and something called K2 (I don't even know what that is) constantly. He's about to get busted and sent to the SHU and then a higher security prison. He's in a camp for pete's sake, can't get much better than that. But the fact that he can buy drugs in the camp and use them is sad. This guy at this rate will die in there or get out and continue using/selling and then end up right back. No will to do better and get clean and clearly no support inside to do so. My husband tried to help, but that was useless. The guy said he wanted to be clean, but within a day, was high again. Very sad. God knows how bad it'll be when he winds up in the SHU and goes through withdrawal.

I know people are against prison rehab, but there must be a better solution because clearly what we are doing now isn't working and our tax dollars are paying for this. I'd much rather we pay for something that will make a difference and save us money in the long run. My husband being in prison sucks, but how is it helping anyone? He's going to stay there instead of going to a HWH because it's not as bad as a HWH. That should say something. He gets to email me whenever he wants, he gets 3 meals a day, which he says are good, he said the bed is comfortable, he gets to watch tv all the time, read when he wants, shower, play games, watch movies, take classes of interest, get books from the public library, free medicine, etc. Yes, it is restrictive and there is a lot of incompetence, but other than the time away from family, his punishment occurred long before he showed up at prison, and that was really all that was needed. Instead this is just a waste of tax dollars.
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  #63  
Old 02-04-2018, 11:04 AM
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Hola chica, si.
yes Rock-Chalk.
and gracias muchas.(thanks very much)hugs blessings to u today.
Happy Sunday!
Yep...another brand new healthy productive #thinkingpositive week for me and God es making that happen for me, a long time now. I've survived 2 bad, (real) bad D.V. relations, over 10 yrs ago since early 20s, and i said NO MAS.(no more and i am going to be sitting around crying over some dude)who is not at all able to see the true blessing, the gift sent to him)and now when i met him i said, "Ok let's see how it goes"and we connected beautifully...However, yes the drugs though and his horrific upbringing(using DRUG)with dear ole' "mom" at barely 11 or pre-teen years 11 or 12, really undermine him,and i know how his future will be. So i am OK with the decision i've made,and already update yes everyone.I am fine. All in God's hands, but i refuse to be as i used to be, and i am happier than in this SHORT LIFE we all have to live, i am not going to be the way i used to be with a guy, as i realize, "at the end of the day, he is #JAM (see my signature on what that means.) I sure did love him, yep. Never hid it.but i am putting mi self FIRST and i love feeling this way, while yes, living a great blessed happy life day and night at peace/no stress/no drama is such a liberating feeling of being "free" from any future harm hurt. The #truth is so freeing when you think about it. I still will support and do other women/men here at wonderful PTO...(i just had to change signature) as it was all dedicated to him.) I am happy. I am truly happy because with or without a guy i am so blessed." Adios.
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Old 02-04-2018, 11:09 AM
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Good for you girlie! You must be so strong, living your life the best you can, you go girl!

Very sad. God knows how bad it'll be when he winds up in the SHU and goes through withdrawal.


He's going to stay there instead of going to a HWH because it's not as bad as a HWH. That should say something.

Instead this is just a waste of tax dollars.


Yep. So true on tax dollars. I agree with what i've highlighted in red, in your above post area, and hola chica. hi rock-chalk.

Question though when you're back on:

Your guy feel prison is better than going to a HWH(halfway house?)Mine was
saying with a "smile"how "much easier"it is to get "all different kinds of drug in there"and how he was going to always be able to for three to five months
while away in HWH,that he is able to be a "strong man at pushing 30s real soon, a "strong man"and AVOID all negative temptation(meaning drugs that again surround him,til he come home to me.) I knew deep down from his horrific upbringing he would not,pero(but)i was hopeful ya know.I always had "1 foot in, and one foot out to ensure i would not be as hurt as others i know if it ended."So, i am still happy in life because i planned "ahead."and yes i am very strong, no time for some man-child who has to mature and get his mind right in the "real world" not time to let him break me, as i know who i am and have a great life set up to do more each passing day,as much as i can achieve,with OR without a man."I feel good that i left it with advising him, you're either going to join me in such great life and journey praise GOD, or you're going to do what you're "used of doing in life"and that's going "no where" positive/no real AMOR(love) no respect/no loyalty,with drugs. He can choose. and i even told him, "HWH was supposed to make you a better man or so you put it,to prepare for the "real world" and he did say,"You're going to see a new me, you will see. I will change, watch and see." Rock-Chalk, you see, i am not weaken by the "I love u's.I used to fall for it so quick 10 + yrs ago.I finally get it. .I really do and i will never fall for such wording again without ACTION.

I am very astute so i knew and i know better and that is why i am still happy at the end of the day as i did not just "rush to abandon him" no, but i am enjoying putting my self first and not looking back and if meant to be, trust me, GOD will show me that regarding "him" but him going to the HWH in DELAWARE (near nj borderline)really has him the same way he was sadly at age 18, doing 10.5 years in James T Vaughn Correctional Facility and now as of several weeks now, a while, this man who i did love so much for years, he sadly, is right back to being how he was.
-
I am sure his bio-mom is thrilled premise on he was always her "Drug-runner" and robbery for her was a daily thing and she is late 40s (had him young) and she is not clean back in same "hood"when he got locked up she "went back to same corner/block'and is using as he learned with me 1 year prior to getting out, so i know she is a happy camper knowing the BESTsmartest, and the only "clean woman"in his entire sad pitiful life is now allowing him to "find his way in the real world."So, now, she can do what she does best. Watch and let him sadly continue to undermine his life and future.I will have no part in the DESTRUCTION of a man i truly did love/and care. I just love mi self more to realize what i truly had to do in this situation to be and remain healthy happy free of #drama. He has no one but, the drugs around him/others who use, and he already admit, "real world is so hard." I just can't sit around waiting and believing false promises.
-

That is not healthy.I choose #good health happy making memories and living well in order to be daily happy. It's so liberating & so freeing to know that i am making and have been made the right decision,regarding, a man who can't see the beautiful blessing and true #gift God sent him. I realize it for sure now and i am still happy because i know with me, i am fine. HIM? nope. But that is no longer mi responsibility...No more. A man who didn't have enough "cash" after he was supposedly working when released at the drug-filled HWH not even enough cash shockingly for HYGIENE products, is a man who has to be using more than just a weed-joint here and there. I know that now and i am not obtuse. I am astute enough to know exactly what i needed to do."

I am good either way. Him? Not so much. I will just NOT sit around, crying/feeling like "i did something wrong" because i know i did not.
I know my worth. I will not be angry/moping/worrying/drama-filled/ negative, but rather enjoying each waking day filled with many many blessings.But i have no regrets. I am just happier not being on that dark road with him when he had many chances to do what is right.He is a grown man. Simple as that and can easily start to BREAK the cycle, but he chose to live in the dark."I have no time for that.I like and enjoy the sunlight too much and living good." Hugs and Blessings. and i pray for you and your LO too Rock-Chalk.Adios.
__________________
#TAAS (there are always signs,so DON'T ignore them)
Lead with your MIND + not your heart.
CONSISTENCY,communication"is key.Without action, it just isn't real.


Last edited by a.rare.love; 02-04-2018 at 11:35 AM..
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Old 02-04-2018, 11:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CenTexLyn View Post
This thread should somehow be tagged as the penultimate reply to 'the system set them up to fail' given the enabling and turning a blind eye to willing violation of rules in a HWH environment that some will tolerate.

When someone in this setting goes back to prison for violation of the rules, the system didn't set them up. They made a choice.
I would hope that people would choose not to enable the releasee.
-

Walking away may not be easy,
but the releasee needs to understand that they have ONE choice- follow the rules and keep the relationship OR be an idiot and lose the relationship.


I just read this and gracia. I so agree with you, so much, CENTEX

Yes.
I have been on PTO all this time sharing and letting so many know:

"If he is not showing it by action" walk away/run!(in some cases)look back if it is yes mean to be, but GOD will show you if it is, by and through his actual actions et.al.,
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and now?I have to continue to live by mi own words. and thanks again Cen.I will now share this blessed Sunday what my brothers (1 who served time) told me at dinner:



Even though, as my brothers saying, "A damn shame." 4 and a 1/2 to five long years and he threw it all away thinking he will either have "this imaginary" great life with drugs/and or something better while he is "high" but in reality, he will come off the high (proving when he call me)that he f---ked up with the best woman for him in his entire life. My brothers also(1 is his age) said other night at a family dinner was saying how:

This young man barely 17-18, we all understand, ok, granted,he really did not live a life at all, thrown in the "adult big-boy prison,for over a DECADE."
Still at just about thirties any day now:

He has no 1 who can help him grow/realize what "real life" is all about, and then he met you sis. He then meets you sis, doing 1/2 of this decade with him, to re-enter society with well, "nada."NOTHING. Just fools enabling him, hanging out around him, tellin' him, other wise, and he now is doing what fools are telling him and not remembering/while "high"daily what he has in a clean suburban beautiful cul-de-sac area, 1 hr. ago in another state where you were bless to have properties california and east coast, to have him start over, and you two enjoy what #real amor es. and he just can't get it together, too weak to the wrongdoing as he was never taught anything else, til you came into his world, no judgement sis. But, the old "area" the old hood, and the drugs got em.
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The state of delaware put him "right back in the same community,feasibly "setting him up to fail once again" as he has done since age 12 to almost thirty years old soon, set him up, with a halfway shelter place a few short blocks from druggie bio-mom who started him on drugs, while he can't seem to "get it right, once again."Right back there, and yet DOC/counselors/parole et.al., everyone put him right back where he will yes, he will be violating one year or less because he CHOSE to do what he is doing.
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I just will have no part in it and i chose ME, and i have no regrets. I wish you all well at PTO. and btw he is still calling at times not as much anymore when high,but "after i guess he come off the daily high, as i am told he will realize." He will continue(as he is doing)to call i am sure, when he is again not high and f---ked up with drugs. I just simply chose not to sit around feelin'all sad about what has transpired.I no longer(for a while now)am sitting around wondering and waiting and contributing to a negative/dark situation he CHOSE to be in after being given a golden-key to happiness, without drama and without negative without a struggle with me.I can't contribute to his dark negative life. I simply REFUSE. I CHOSE ME, and me first and i am truly happy each day i am not on here, and will continue though to lend support at times as i love to do." Hugs and Blessings...Adios
__________________
#TAAS (there are always signs,so DON'T ignore them)
Lead with your MIND + not your heart.
CONSISTENCY,communication"is key.Without action, it just isn't real.


Last edited by a.rare.love; 02-04-2018 at 12:24 PM..
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