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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 12-23-2015, 04:52 PM
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Default MWI boyfriend/fiance in a halfway house

My boyfriend has finally got out of prison after 8 years. We met online (writingaprisoner.com) back in 2010. I've been there through thick and thin since. He went to the halfway house in November. He gets weekend passes, so at the second week he got his first 8 hour pass for the whole weekend, I drove 8 hours to spend that weekend with him. I live in Louisiana and him in Texas. I slept to his mom house for the weekend. I picked him up that Saturday morning. We had a wonderful time. He had money to take me out to eat, shopping and even get a room for our intimate time. He even introduced his new friends (at the halfway house) to me and told them I was his fiance. We end up having sex (protected) and it was wonderful. After sex, we continued to have a good time. The next day I picked him back up from the halfway house, we never had sex and we proceeded to go to his mom's house since she's 20 minutes from the halfway house. We hang out and they took me out to eat and after I got back to her home, I was getting ready to leave, he told me the next time he'll see me, that I'll be out there in his hometown permanently. We kissed and I left. He called later to see if I made it back home safely. He's coming home for good from the halfway house at the end of February 2016 if he gets a job. That's a requirement of the program there.
Now it's been about 10 days and he haven't called me yet. I contacted his mom and she says he's been so busy looking for a job and he used all the time on the calling card twice to make calls for different jobs. I find it funny when he had time before we got together, he would call once or even twice a week but now he didn't even try calling me. I'm so hurt and devastated that I believed he may have used me for sex or maybe he felt embarrassed or some type of way. I don't know what's going on with him. If he don't call the weekend of Christmas, I will just leave him alone. I love him with all my heart but I have to do what I have to do. I invested 5 1/2 years of my life into this relationship. I'm so confused. He says he loved me and I'm the love of his life. Even his mom and best friend says the same thing and all he does is talk about me to them. But I don't understand what happened or what I did. Maybe I shouldn't have slept with him
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Old 12-23-2015, 05:06 PM
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Hi I am sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound very odd that he hasnt called you for 10 days that is a long time. You know if somone is really into you then they will find a way to make contact whatever it takes.
I hope you hear from him and I you can work things out. I doubt it was because you have slept together. Sometimes when people are released from prison they want to move on and leave everything and everyone who reminds them of prison behind. Maybe he has someone else. Maybe he just doesnt have the money to call you?
I hope you get the answers you need but if he continues with the silent treatment I would move on.
Sending you hugs
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Old 12-23-2015, 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
Hi I am sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound very odd that he hasnt called you for 10 days that is a long time. You know if somone is really into you then they will find a way to make contact whatever it takes.
I hope you hear from him and I you can work things out. I doubt it was because you have slept together. Sometimes when people are released from prison they want to move on and leave everything and everyone who reminds them of prison behind. Maybe he has someone else. Maybe he just doesnt have the money to call you?
I hope you get the answers you need but if he continues with the silent treatment I would move on.
Sending you hugs
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is strange that he haven't called. I remember a few times while he was in prison, he haven't called me and his mom for 2 weeks to a month and then he'll call again. He was going through some things in prison. If he does have anyone else, he should of been a man and told me. He never showed any signs of cheating or having anyone else. He would call me for everything esp if he haven't heard from his mom but then again you never know with men. But I'll update later in the week to see if he calls me or not. Oh yeah his mom said when I talked to her yesterday that he talked about me all week but I still find it strange he never called me though. She bought him two calling cards this the past week. When he came home this past weekend, he could of called me on his mom's cell or home phone like he did before.
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Old 12-23-2015, 05:29 PM
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All I can say if someone wants to get hold of you they will , especially as he has access to his Mums phone.
Look after yourself
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Old 12-23-2015, 05:36 PM
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This does sound like an iffy situation. On the one hand, what his mother said could be the legit cause, it really IS important for him to find a job as soon as he can. On the other hand, 10 days IS a bit long for you not to have heard even a small peep out of him just to reconnect with you and let you know what's up.

You also could put yourself in his shoes. He's tasting freedom after 8 years. This has been a recent radical change in his life and many things and choices must be running through his mind.

I think you're right in not trying to pester or badger him into contact with you. I, too, would expect to hear from him over the Christmas holiday. If nothing is forthcoming, like maytayah wrote, "...if he continues with the silent treatment I would move on..." I might try to send him one last letter to the halfway house or through his mother, just to help with closure for myself. I hope all the worry over this will be for naught and that you'll somehow be pleasantly surprised. If not, try to remember the good things of your time with him and keep it moving for yourself.
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Old 12-23-2015, 05:44 PM
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Being released from incarceration is a big change, especially having to readjust to the outside world after 8 years down. He could possibly be going through a few things that he doesn't want to talk about and that is why he is not calling. Perhaps he is not calling because he has yet to find a job and is worried you will be upset or disappointed with him. He could be saving his calling cards to call jobs; finding a job in this economy with a criminal history is not easy and unfortunately is a huge stressor on many people recently released when their freedom depends on it. Or maybe he just is so caught up in his days that he loses track of time and doesn't even think about calling you until it is too late. If he is still talking about you and his mom is still talking to you I think this is just him adjusting to the outside and trying to get his affairs in order.
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Old 12-23-2015, 05:52 PM
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I don't believe you did anything to cause him to not contact you. It sounds like you two enjoyed your time together, which is good.

I would sit tight and see what happens. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders that if he doesn't contact you, you will move on and look out for yourself. Kudos to you, and I am sure it hurts like hell to stand beside someone as long as you did, and then have them cut communication.

Keep your chin up and I hope it all works out.
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Old 12-23-2015, 06:13 PM
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Wow.. so after your wonderful weekend, no call?? Nothing??? Hmmm...

I'm going to go and ask my former inmate about this...


Blessings...
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Old 12-23-2015, 06:16 PM
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Thank you all for your helpful and loving advice/comments. I sent him a christmas card a few days ago with a note. If I don't hear from him by Sunday, then I'm gone. He knows I've been too good to him and we had a long history together. But I'll cherish all that we had in the past and focus on the present and the future with myself and my daughter. Happy Holidays!!!!
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Old 12-23-2015, 06:39 PM
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I hope he calls you soon. If he does, ask why he hasn't called and then decide if he had a good reason, or not. Until you know why, it's all guesswork.
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Old 12-24-2015, 12:22 AM
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I would probably send a letter saying you know he's going through a lot right now but you're getting worried bc you haven't heard from him in awhile and to please give a quick call or something. Who knows, he might just be completely clueless on this sort of thing but it's really unacceptable. And if he is trying to break it off with you, I'm sorry, but ghosting you is not an option after 5+ years. He needs to do the grown up thing and tell you what's going on.

Sorry you're experiencing this.
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Old 12-25-2015, 05:10 PM
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I'm sorry but I'm a little less understanding. Never in my life has anyone who's ever truly loved me or wanted to be with me gone TEN days without contact, regardless of circumstance. Maybe, maybe he couldn't call, but if he was genuinely missing you and thinking about you, he would've gotten you a message some other way. Had his mother (who obviously talked to him) give you a message. Written you a letter. Had a friend call you. Love isn't apathetic.
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Old 12-25-2015, 06:53 PM
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UPDATE: Well i finally heard from him today. He called to wish me a Merry Christmas. He then had the nerve to say that he been calling me all last week, this week and today. But still he could of still contacted me on facebook or even email if he tried calling and didn't get through. I really don't believe he called all those times though. I know my phone has bad service at times but I don't believe he been calling me like he said he been. Then had had the nerve to say "I don't have time to play games with you, let me stop, it's Christmas time". I felt in his voice that he wanted it to be over but he didn't have to nerve to say it. His conversation wasn't the same like we usually talk unless he was mad about something. He did sound mad too and I didn't argue with him or was rude to him because I know he have anger problems and i was already having a good day. He didn't have much to say though. He also said he's frustrated that he couldn't find a job and will give up trying to find one. SMH. I encouraged him to keep trying but he said no. We only had 15 minutes to talk and used up the whole 15 minutes. He never called back. I made my decision to let him go. I've been through hell and back with him. He mentally abused me by saying i'm too sensitive and too scary and that i won't never move out of my mom's home. He also kept secrets from me and sadly I accepted his secrets. I was too good to him but I felt I wasn't right for him. He's very immature and have alot of growing up to do. His anger will get the best of him. Karma is starting to work on him because he can't find a job but the new guys in the halfway house are getting jobs. I don't wish him harm but wish him the best and hope he does well when he gets out. His best friend told me that I was the best thing that happened to him and he never had a real woman or a real relationship before and is very new to this. I know deep inside he still loves me but my feelings for him isn't the same like it was 3-4 years ago. I still love him but not in love with him. Every time I think of what all he said and did to me from the past few years, my heart feels more hatred towards him. Many days he'll miss me and he'll miss all that I did and help him do. He never had no one like me and he and his mom always said that. He's doing nothing but hurting himself.
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Old 12-25-2015, 07:05 PM
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Hi there, well it sounds like you have all the information you need to move on. He has lied to you, he has given you the silent treatment, he has anger issues which he takes out on you , he is immature and not man enough to tell you the truth about his lack of committment to your relationship.
What more do you need to move on and go live the life you deserve. It sounds like he cannot make you happy, someone else will.
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Old 12-25-2015, 11:33 PM
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UPDATE: Well i finally heard from him today. He called to wish me a Merry Christmas. He then had the nerve to say that he been calling me all last week, this week and today. But still he could of still contacted me on facebook or even email if he tried calling and didn't get through. I really don't believe he called all those times though. I know my phone has bad service at times but I don't believe he been calling me like he said he been. Then had had the nerve to say "I don't have time to play games with you, let me stop, it's Christmas time". I felt in his voice that he wanted it to be over but he didn't have to nerve to say it. His conversation wasn't the same like we usually talk unless he was mad about something. He did sound mad too and I didn't argue with him or was rude to him because I know he have anger problems and i was already having a good day. He didn't have much to say though. He also said he's frustrated that he couldn't find a job and will give up trying to find one. SMH. I encouraged him to keep trying but he said no. We only had 15 minutes to talk and used up the whole 15 minutes. He never called back. I made my decision to let him go. I've been through hell and back with him. He mentally abused me by saying i'm too sensitive and too scary and that i won't never move out of my mom's home. He also kept secrets from me and sadly I accepted his secrets. I was too good to him but I felt I wasn't right for him. He's very immature and have alot of growing up to do. His anger will get the best of him. Karma is starting to work on him because he can't find a job but the new guys in the halfway house are getting jobs. I don't wish him harm but wish him the best and hope he does well when he gets out. His best friend told me that I was the best thing that happened to him and he never had a real woman or a real relationship before and is very new to this. I know deep inside he still loves me but my feelings for him isn't the same like it was 3-4 years ago. I still love him but not in love with him. Every time I think of what all he said and did to me from the past few years, my heart feels more hatred towards him. Many days he'll miss me and he'll miss all that I did and help him do. He never had no one like me and he and his mom always said that. He's doing nothing but hurting himself.
I would say if he has emotional and maturity problems then he probably is ending the relationship in a childish way. But from what you described he isn't worth fighting for anyways, at least that is my opinion. If he can't even apologize and makes excuses about calling you and plays head games you are better off without him. Clearly he is not adult enough to be in a relationship like what you had. I would just let him go and move on since he clearly cannot be a beneficial pair for you. There is someone out there for you that will treat you right and be good to you so move on to find that person and find the love and happiness you deserve.
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Old 12-26-2015, 08:37 AM
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If he won't look for a job, don't be surprised if the HWH sends him back to prison. Some folks can't deal with life outside of prison, and act in ways that are illogical to everyone else in order to go back inside. Take care of yourself.
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Old 12-26-2015, 11:00 AM
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I'm glad you finally heard something and got some kind of answers, even if they turned out not to be ones you had hoped for. That's better than being left in limbo.

You wrote that you love him, but aren't in love with him. IMO, that's the bottom line here. If that truly is the case, that's where your actions become one of a friend who wishes him well versus an intimate romantic partner who will go that extra mile for him. I agree, too, that if someone really wants to be with you, they will make it happen. If they don't, and the reasons for why they didn't aren't good enough for you, well that's your answer as to how committed to you that they are-- they aren't.

I'm not suggesting that you should try to change your current feelings about him or the situation as it stands, but IMHO, I wanted to point out that many seem willing to be pretty judgementally harsh on the person in question. Anyone who gets themselves incarcerated isn't quite right in some way in the first place, they are no Mr. Perfect, so anyone who is MWI should be cognizant of that going in. It is probably unrealistic to expect some version of Mr. Perfect once they get out. Someone with anger issues isn't suddenly going to be fixed by obtaining their freedom. In fact, it could become worse due to new frustrations over an inability to find a job and/or other new things. Second, for someone incarcerated for 8 years, release is a HUGE adjustment. Not only does everything in their physical surroundings change but other things change too, like now they are under a lot more mental pressure in varying ways than before. They have new things to consider and lots of new choices to make. They have to figure out how to live with one foot in (existing restrictions) and one foot out (freedom). Trying circumstances for even a well-adjusted person.

You very well may have been the best thing to ever happen to him. Even he may, deep down, realize this all the while he is making choices that push you away.

One thing I learned from being in an MWI relationship that I think is common is that often we do too much for them while they are inside, with some level of expectation in return. Ideally, in order not to inspire resentfulness within ourselves, we should measure what we do for them. So, if when they are released their behaviours fall short in our eyes then at least we aren't left feeling that we moved mountains for someone who wouldn't do the same for us in return.

I wish the best and brightest 2016 for both you and your daughter!
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Old 01-04-2016, 10:38 PM
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All I can say if someone wants to get hold of you they will , especially as he has access to his Mums phone.
Look after yourself


A guy will also say,"stop playin or i don't got time to be playin' no games blah blah. .Simply to turn it around on us the women out of as my brother say, that' is simply a guilty man. Blame the good woman.

and Mayta,

I agree right here too with Mayta. So true. I always hate when a person in today technology think we are obtuse. We are not. So many ways to reach a person so i don't buy that.I usually realize the guy at "that point,is just a d---khead"and it is best to keep it movin'. jmho. I wish the thread starter/OP best of luck with a great guy.Not sure it is this guy at all. Just remember the great times when he was in and release and focus on you first. God speed.
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Old 01-04-2016, 10:48 PM
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UPDATE: Well i finally heard from him today. He called to wish me a Merry Christmas. He then had the nerve to say that he been calling me all last week, this week and today. But still he could of still contacted me on facebook or even email if he tried calling and didn't get through. I really don't believe he called all those times though. I know my phone has bad service at times but I don't believe he been calling me like he said he been. Then had had the nerve to say "I don't have time to play games with you, let me stop, it's Christmas time". I felt in his voice that he wanted it to be over but he didn't have to nerve to say it. His conversation wasn't the same like we usually talk unless he was mad about something. He did sound mad too and I didn't argue with him or was rude to him because I know he have anger problems and i was already having a good day. He didn't have much to say though. He also said he's frustrated that he couldn't find a job and will give up trying to find one. SMH. I encouraged him to keep trying but he said no. We only had 15 minutes to talk and used up the whole 15 minutes. He never called back. I made my decision to let him go. I've been through hell and back with him. He mentally abused me by saying i'm too sensitive and too scary and that i won't never move out of my mom's home. He also kept secrets from me and sadly I accepted his secrets. I was too good to him but I felt I wasn't right for him. He's very immature and have alot of growing up to do. His anger will get the best of him. Karma is starting to work on him because he can't find a job but the new guys in the halfway house are getting jobs. I don't wish him harm but wish him the best and hope he does well when he gets out. His best friend told me that I was the best thing that happened to him and he never had a real woman or a real relationship before and is very new to this. I know deep inside he still loves me but my feelings for him isn't the same like it was 3-4 years ago. I still love him but not in love with him. Every time I think of what all he said and did to me from the past few years, my heart feels more hatred towards him. Many days he'll miss me and he'll miss all that I did and help him do. He never had no one like me and he and his mom always said that. He's doing nothing but hurting himself.
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see what i highlight

both parts i really agree with. and believe those and your heart who say, you are the best person for him,that has happen to him. I don't know his age or yours, but i believe it. and good for you,that you refuse to allow him to undermine your good day despite how he was sounding. His loss.Not your loss at all. Good you are able to realize as i do the diff between
Being in love and just "i love you."

I finally figure that out a long time ago.Took a while. and i am not falling for a man saying i am in love with you without proof action and mature man in front of me. He sure didn't seem mature if he can do that to you.But you will be ok. I read this one a few times again. You will be just fine,while his karma of bad,will be approaching him soon. By the sound of it, it already is and he said about, "i am giving up looking for legitimate hard work,right there prove where his future is headed."Back to what he know best."I have a feeling he will be back in prison or calling you soon apologizing. JMHO. stay in touch.
God speed.
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-Halfway house til' Interstate C.is approved.
Pero, we will still have our cold winter nights each weekend.
#snuggling each wknd,til home.
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Old 01-15-2016, 02:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a.rare.love View Post
-
see what i highlight

both parts i really agree with. and believe those and your heart who say, you are the best person for him,that has happen to him. I don't know his age or yours, but i believe it. and good for you,that you refuse to allow him to undermine your good day despite how he was sounding. His loss.Not your loss at all. Good you are able to realize as i do the diff between
Being in love and just "i love you."

I finally figure that out a long time ago.Took a while. and i am not falling for a man saying i am in love with you without proof action and mature man in front of me. He sure didn't seem mature if he can do that to you.But you will be ok. I read this one a few times again. You will be just fine,while his karma of bad,will be approaching him soon. By the sound of it, it already is and he said about, "i am giving up looking for legitimate hard work,right there prove where his future is headed."Back to what he know best."I have a feeling he will be back in prison or calling you soon apologizing. JMHO. stay in touch.
God speed.
Thank you so much. I'm 40 and he is 39. More drama happened around New Years Day but it's ok. My life is better now than it's ever been while dealing with him. I blocked him on facebook too. He'll never have no good relationship with anyone because of his anger, ego and nasty attitude. He has that thinking he's more than the next person or he looks better than the next. He's not the best looking man to be honest. He looks like a baby possum. Thank you again for your kind words.
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Old 01-20-2016, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by msladyj75 View Post
Thank you so much. I'm 40 and he is 39. More drama happened around New Years Day but it's ok. My life is better now than it's ever been while dealing with him. I blocked him on facebook too. He'll never have no good relationship with anyone because of his anger, ego and nasty attitude. He has that thinking he's more than the next person or he looks better than the next. He's not the best looking man to be honest. He looks like a baby possum. Thank you again for your kind words.
Oh i just read your new post to me. You are so very welcome chulita. Is there any latest update?PM me anytime. and see what i highlight LOL most think that, they are the um "next best thing. . . Just brush his immature foolish self off. Trust me, you're going to feel better when you're doing that. God will see to it
Good. You also block him on your FB social media page.Good!(You're already knowing deep within he feelin' that)and hate it. LOL Good for him.
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Yes. Ego is a killer for many and his nasty immature narcissistic attitude. That is clear. Just remember the good memories yep. and like i said, that is fine to do. No harm there unless you're obsessed trying to seek him out. Let him find you again IF it is true real love he will. If not, let him keep his typical basic chick. Sure do not compare to all he had going for himself with you, and that is truth."Deep down he know this too chulita. If the fool can't see the great (yes i said the great/best woman)for him is you, then it's his loss.Period. Not yours. You will be as you see just fine.
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True/Real love wins each time. Lead with you MIND.(not your heart.)
-
-Halfway house til' Interstate C.is approved.
Pero, we will still have our cold winter nights each weekend.
#snuggling each wknd,til home.
-



Last edited by a.rare.love; 01-20-2016 at 11:11 AM..
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Old 02-09-2016, 04:18 PM
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Well....everyone, I guess he didn't really loved me or didn't really want to work things out with us. He got him another woman. Someone sent me a picture of him and the other woman from facebook to my phone and he looks happy with her. Her face is all in his neck so no one can't see her face. It hurts a lot because he found someone less than a month after we broke up which is sad. I decided to unblock him and search on his page. There's only one picture of them together and a whole bunch of him. He really thinks he's the big shit. But it's all good. At least he got him a job now which is good and hope he's staying out of trouble. He wasn't for me anyway. God will put someone in my life who deserves my heart and love. He was just a penpal who was looking for someone to write to. It hurts but time will heal the pain. God bless!!!
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Old 02-09-2016, 10:21 PM
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You had me weak with that ' baby possum' remark!
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Old 02-10-2016, 08:18 AM
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omg, Bumblebee, me too. I could totally picture his face when she said that.

To the op. Im glad you have moved on. He's not the one for you.
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Old 02-10-2016, 12:57 PM
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a.rare.love is right. You give a Cadillac to a pig and it will be trashed in no time - a pig needs a mud hole, mud holes and pigs were meant for each other. That's the way I see it. Plenty of company in Babylon....If you want a man in your life, bring in a gentleman.

Last edited by Rosomane; 02-10-2016 at 12:58 PM.. Reason: turn of phrase
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