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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 03-02-2018, 02:38 PM
crazyknitter06 crazyknitter06 is offline
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Default Feeling guilty: He begged for $5, bought alcohol & killed innocent person

My LO (who I had left) begged me for $5... he used it to buy alcohol... then soon after buying it drove home (all this within 1.5 miles of his home) and killed an innocent person. My gut knew the addict in him would chose to buy booze (tho I was told the $ was for food) I feel angry he did it.. I feel angry at myself
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Old 03-02-2018, 02:40 PM
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I am feeling like I caused the death because i didn't say no
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Old 03-02-2018, 02:44 PM
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Welcome to Prison Talk! So sorry you are having these feelings but you have to KNOW that you didn't cause anyone's death. You were lied to and tried to help a friend out. He would have likely made the same drive with or without your $5. This isn't your fault in any way.
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Old 03-02-2018, 03:24 PM
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Sweetheart of course you are not responsible. You helped someone out, but he is a grown man he made the decision to drink and then drive whilst intoxicated. He is responsible for his actions and he will pay the price of taking a life.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Old 03-02-2018, 04:49 PM
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You didn't cause this. He would have gotten the money from someone else if not you. Stop being so hard on yourself. He's is a grown man and made the choice to drive drunk. I'm sorry your going through this.
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Old 03-02-2018, 05:26 PM
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Your $5.00 didn't harm anyone, your addicted Ex did that all by himself. Don't beat yourself up for something he did.
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Old 03-02-2018, 05:31 PM
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It's so hard to know how to trust an addict.....and you did trust. He failed your trust, but you didn't fail. You're a small factor, but not the killing factor. You need to absolve yourself of blame, because it can only get in you way, without producing a single productive thing!
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Old 03-02-2018, 07:01 PM
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Thanks.. he id blaming me...(btw his 7th DUI.. in 3 states) I also spoke to get him his license back...he did fine with the blow machine (1 yr) it came off and all hell broke lose... I feel like an ass for trusting him
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Old 03-02-2018, 08:05 PM
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7 DUI's and he's blaming you?? Stop letting yourself get upset over it. What's done is done and can't be changed. Let him try to fix this himself.
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Old 03-02-2018, 09:53 PM
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Get thee to Al Anon. Seriously, you need some in person support from other people who love or have loved addicts and alcoholics. And you're going to have to get into individual therapy - the sooner the better (the quicker it will end. Wait, let those thinking patterns really roost in your mind, and it's going to take a lot more therapy to get through all of this).

You seriously need other voices and supports to combat his crap.

Look, I'm talking from experience - I got somebody out on bail and he immediately went back to his addiction and killed somebody, and himself. You need to work this stuff out before it really settles into your mind and craps out a lot of guilt that alters your relationships in a negative way. Plus, you'll sleep better, eat better, and have NA easier time taking care of yourself.

Go to Al Anon. Get into therapy.
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Old 03-04-2018, 11:17 AM
crazyknitter06 crazyknitter06 is offline
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Been to AlAnon (oh and I have 15+ years sober) I think what gets in my head the lack of remorse the LO demonstrated, and his main concern was how it effected him. I know that is on him...and perhaps I'm angry at myself for not seeing the true character of someone I loved.
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Old 03-04-2018, 05:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyknitter06 View Post
Been to AlAnon (oh and I have 15+ years sober) I think what gets in my head the lack of remorse the LO demonstrated, and his main concern was how it effected him. I know that is on him...and perhaps I'm angry at myself for not seeing the true character of someone I loved.
15 years sober is great. Al Anon is not the same. It will really help you see this particular problem from the vantage of somebody who loves somebody who, with the help of addiction, did something so stupid it cost a person his/her life.

Therapy will really help, too. You are internalizing guilt that is not yours, in part because he feels no remorse. This is a big problem. The sooner you deal with it, the better. Don't let it take root. While your AA brethren are some support, they are looking at things from the vantage of the alcoholic/addict. That is the nature of that particular program. A good Al Anon meeting can really help because it looks at addiction from the outside, and from the impact it has on those who love an alcoholic/addict. It is easy to think that one is better than the other, and AA is great for dealing with your own addiction. it sucks for dealing with somebody else' addiction and the consequences of it.
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Old 03-04-2018, 08:06 PM
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You are not to blame and you cannot beat yourself up over it. He made the choice to do what he did and as a previous poster said, if he didn't get it from you, he would have found a way to lie and get it from someone else.

Whether it's Alanon or some other support system or therapy,you should definitely talk to someone, because this will eat you up inside.

And, as I have heard is often the case for a lot of prisoners, and have seen in my husband's divorce (thank god I didn't have the same experience in mine) there are people who will blame everyone else for their problems and never look in the mirror or take accountability for their actions. Ever. The same people who say they're innocent. You didn't put the drink in his hand, you didn't put him behind the wheel. No way is it your fault! and 7 DUIs? Ridiculous. He should have been locked up long ago. One could easily argue that the many judges that he's been in front of are to blame. Or, lots of blame to go around period. What's the point? It's happened, but you are definitely no where close to be blamed. Rest assured.

I would cut him off, don't take his calls or even listen to his nonsense and try to move on from it. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. No one should have to deal with that!!
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Old 03-05-2018, 08:53 AM
Juliette99 Juliette99 is offline
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You were so kind to help your x with money to buy food. It was his poor decisions that led him to his present fate. You were trying to help him. Try to separate his words of blame and protect yourself and realize he will always blame someone else whoever is in his path because he can’t accept responsibility. He is a liability to you. Try for right now, to not let him in your life in any way. He made these choices not you. He’s manipulated your kindness. He is not in his right mind, he has no business guilting you. These are his actions not yours. I went to Alanon once it did help.
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