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Drug & Alcohol Treatment & Rehabilitation For those whose lives have been touched by addiction to drugs, alcohol or otherwise. For addicts and those who care about them.

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Old 05-03-2018, 09:45 PM
lilt0123 lilt0123 is offline
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Default Release date soon...doesnít want addiction support

The day my bf got arrested his sister and I had planned an intervention bc he was spiraling out of control. In a weird way, being incarcerated was a blessing in disguise...even he thinks so. Heís been clean the entire time and has been taking substance abuse classes. Iím so proud of him and weíve managed to strengthen our relationship.

His release date is approaching and weíve been talking about our plans. He wants to stay clean and knows heíll have to avoid the people and situations that fed his multiple addictions. When I suggested NarAnon for both of us, however, he insisted he wanted to do this on his own. Iím just nervous, because when he wasnít sober he was a completely different person and made a lot of really bad decisions that hurt me and many others. Iím worried that without support heís going to get sucked right back in.

I know I canít force him to do anything and can only control my own actions...but iím just starting to get really anxious.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:50 PM
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You've made a really solid suggestion by bringing up support. You're also right-- you can't force him. But you can still go and establish a circle of support and I'd strongly suggest doing it before he comes home if he plans to "do it on his own".

Some people feel like 12 step groups are full of junkies and drunks and isn't that who I'm trying to stay away from? The problem with that thinking is that it allows them to keep a nice distance from accountability and helps them to stay in denial if they chose to go there.

Will he have parole or probation to contend with? They may require it or another program whether he wants to or not.
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Old 05-03-2018, 10:00 PM
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You've made a really solid suggestion by bringing up support. You're also right-- you can't force him. But you can still go and establish a circle of support and I'd strongly suggest doing it before he comes home if he plans to "do it on his own".

Some people feel like 12 step groups are full of junkies and drunks and isn't that who I'm trying to stay away from? The problem with that thinking is that it allows them to keep a nice distance from accountability and helps them to stay in denial if they chose to go there.

Will he have parole or probation to contend with? They may require it or another program whether he wants to or not.

Thatís exactly the reason he gave for not wanting to attend a support group! He will have a PO to check in with, not sure about the exact terms, but iím hoping that will help deter him. As someone whoís witnessed the manipulation of an addict though, I just hope he wasnít going through all the classes just to get an earlier release. This man was literally able to find drugs wherever he was. Iím more worried about bringing him home than I was my kids from the hospital!
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Old 05-03-2018, 10:08 PM
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Thatís exactly the reason he gave for not wanting to attend a support group!
It's hard when they keep up the wall between "those" people and themselves. In my experience, folks who use that reason not to go don't see their addiction as serious or a real problem. They can control it. They're not like them.

That makes it really hard to address the root of their addiction and it makes them more vulnerable to relapse.
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Old 05-04-2018, 06:48 AM
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If he is serious with himself about staying clean, he can succeed. 12 step programs aren't for everyone, and avoiding drugs and their temptations will be completely up to him anyway, with or without programs.

Prison changes everyone, for better or worse, so I hope he has learned that avoiding drugs is his best chance to stay out of prison.
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Old 05-04-2018, 07:01 AM
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From my experience (and I'm 70 now), those who insist that the meetings of 12-step programs are 'wrong' for them are not going to stop. They don't want to be near people who can call him on their shit.

You said he's been clean this whole time and that's great, but it's not sober. Sober involves getting both into and out of your own head - 'in' to understand his real motivation and circumventions and 'out' to have others who can point out to him the motivations and circumventions that he's still employing while pointing him toward greater honesty.

Be careful, because if you invest much more hope in his sobriety and he crashes, he will hurt you even more. Frankly, he should live on his own and get his feet under him with support from everyone, but no enabling (which means you and his sister should both already be going to meetings!).
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Old 05-06-2018, 05:54 AM
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** (which means you and his sister should both already be going to meetings!).***


THIS^^^
Even if he does not want to go to NA meetings (he may be required to by parole/probation) you can still go to naranon meetings.
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Old 05-06-2018, 12:16 PM
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Thank you for the advice. This is my first relationship with both an addict and an inmate. If all goes well, he will be out in 3 months. I’m aware of all the obstacles he’ll have to face when he gets out...going to NarAnon will help me be a better support for him.
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Old 05-06-2018, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by lilt0123 View Post
Thank you for the advice. This is my first relationship with both an addict and an inmate. If all goes well, he will be out in 3 months. Iím aware of all the obstacles heíll have to face when he gets out...going to NarAnon will help me be a better support for him.
Just get help for you so your not enabling him, which even as an addict who has quit drugs because I didn't want that life anymore, I had a very hard time dealing with my husbands addictions. I am very grateful that I had great support when I was done with drugs. I'd done court ordered stuff it meant nothing to me but find more connections who were also there unwillingly!!! He might not want to get around those people anymore, right now he has clean time in and should be ok but when your new in a program it's tough to figure who's real and who isn't. But it helps a lot that your not an addict. Good luck!!!
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Old 05-06-2018, 06:10 PM
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There are two distinct types of groups for the AA/NA sort of thing. There are the groups populated by persons primarily on a supervised status of some sort and there are the groups that are composed primarily of persons NOT on supervision trying to keep their life on track after their previous issues, legal or otherwise.

Where possible, one tends to do best to find the group that the PO will permit attendance but is heavily tilted towards the working person not on paper. Those will be a mix of blue collar and white collar workers, often at lunch time or at happy hour times.

But to come out and think he can do it on his own is just begging for trouble, especially if there is a requirement in place that he DOES attend the meetings.
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