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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #76  
Old 06-29-2018, 08:16 AM
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There is no end to this mans lies. I know it’s so hard but try and stop dwelling on this and torturing yourself. There probably will be more but it doesn’t matter now it’s all just extra pain. You need to turn your back on it all look after you.
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Old 06-29-2018, 08:25 AM
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This is just me speculating and of course you know the facts - but when you mentioned earlier that you know his family and vice versa, I assume they also knew about the nature of your relationship with him? You also said you knew about her, the "family friend" - all this made me think that maybe she & the family did know about you all along. This guy seems so manipulative and capable of anything, that who's to say he doesn't have multiple women he's talking to and accepting a small amount of money from here and there...that would come up to quite a bit if there are many women being conned. I've seen some ladies on here posting a couple of times that they are okay with their guy taking money from pen pals on false pretences, so people like this unfortunately exist. I know it sounds extreme and I apologize for this speculation...I know it doesn't change anything and is pointless...but since we're still discussing this

I don't think anyone can tell you whether or not you should approach her or let your dad approach her parents. I never contacted my ex's girlfriend when I found out he was cheating on her with me years and years ago... However, I've since thought about the fact that if I was being cheated on I would definitely want to know. Even if it would kill me, I would want to know because in the end it would save me from more heartache down the road. If indeed she's unaware of you and his cheating, they've just married and she could possibly still annul the marriage (I assume).

Of course then there is this; we all have our path in this life and it isn't really your responsibility to do anything if you feel uncomfortable about it...just make sure you heal and take care of yourself.
Yeah I think him saying she was a family friend was a lie. As all he told me about her was a lie.
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Old 06-29-2018, 08:28 AM
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There is no end to this mans lies. I know it’s so hard but try and stop dwelling on this and torturing yourself. There probably will be more but it doesn’t matter now it’s all just extra pain. You need to turn your back on it all look after you.
I know. But this only happened Sunday night and I was in the middle of moving states to be closer to him so even dealing with that is keeping it at the surface. Maybe I should remove myself from the internet so no-one has to read my ramblings as I struggle with it all though.
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Old 06-29-2018, 09:11 AM
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I know. But this only happened Sunday night and I was in the middle of moving states to be closer to him so even dealing with that is keeping it at the surface. Maybe I should remove myself from the internet so no-one has to read my ramblings as I struggle with it all though.
Sweetie, it is natural to try and process this; what you have gone through is traumatic and nobody expects you to be over it within a few days or even weeks. Take all the time you need and please do not shy away from posting. We are not judging you.

I don't know if I can be of any help but my PM box is always open - I am on the European side of the Atlantic but time zone permitting I respond as quickly as I can
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:33 PM
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I'm so sorry. What a JERK! I've come to think this type of jerk has some serious mental health issues and enjoys using people for an ego boost. I'm sorry you had to go through this but if it makes you feel better, know that his marriage won't work out because he lied to her too! Liars never win!
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:35 PM
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Almost all PTO members have experienced great disappointments of some kind from our prison systems and are glad to be able to help you through your's. Don't consider your posts to be "ramblings", you have every right to be outraged at what happened. By sharing it, you are educating us about what can possibly happen, with or without warnings/red flags.
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Old 06-29-2018, 05:31 PM
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I've decided after a lot of thought to send a brief message to his new wife's mother giving her the facts. She can decide what to do with the information. She knows her daughter best. If they knew..well as my grandmother would say "as God made them he matched them" and if they had no clue at least they'll have knowledge I didn't have to make decisions based on full facts. Then I can bow out with a clear conscience I didn't stand by and watch someone possibly be used worse than me.
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Old 06-29-2018, 05:43 PM
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I've decided after a lot of thought to send a brief message to his new wife's mother giving her the facts. She can decide what to do with the information. She knows her daughter best. If they knew..well as my grandmother would say "as God made them he matched them" and if they had no clue at least they'll have knowledge I didn't have to make decisions based on full facts. Then I can bow out with a clear conscience I didn't stand by and watch someone possibly be used worse than me.
I think that is a really bad idea and will accomplish nothing. It’s really unfair to put that on her Mother. Also, who’s to say he’s using her? She’s married. Just leave them alone. She’ll figure it out without any help from you.
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Old 06-29-2018, 06:06 PM
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I think that is a really bad idea and will accomplish nothing. It’s really unfair to put that on her Mother. Also, who’s to say he’s using her? She’s married. Just leave them alone. She’ll figure it out without any help from you.
I don't expect people to agree with me. I'm very aware she's married. And I'm also very aware I was the one who was used and lied to. I think it's harsh to say I'm being really unfair.
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Old 06-29-2018, 06:46 PM
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I think that is a really bad idea and will accomplish nothing. It’s really unfair to put that on her Mother. Also, who’s to say he’s using her? She’s married. Just leave them alone. She’ll figure it out without any help from you.
I disagree totally.

I think the OP is doing things exactly right.
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  #86  
Old 06-29-2018, 08:02 PM
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I'd message the woman and tell her that she hasn't been his only. Screenshot those tablet messages and send them to her. Especially the one the day they got married. Let Karma bite him in the ass.

HOWEVER, make sure that she didn't just fake status them as married- Colorado doesn't do prison weddings. You can only get married in visiting room via self-solemnization and mailing the license back and forth (which is a legal marriage.) I don't know how he would get a ring because my husband was only able to get his once he was out in halfway house. Now that he's back in DOC due to failure to complete assignments he still has his ring.
I think I'd be a bigger person why try to purposely hurt another woman? She'll find out on her own what type of man she married.

By the way, I was able to have my husband's wedding ring sent in. He was at Ark Valley at the time. We also signed our marriage certificate in the visiting room and exchanged our vows, so it was actually a little ceremony.
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  #87  
Old 06-29-2018, 08:18 PM
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“I think I'd be a bigger person why try to purposely hurt another woman?”

I see it as alerting the wife he married her under less than fully truthful circumstances. The OP isn’t the one hurting the wife, the husband is.

It might hurt the bride now, but not as bad as if Mr. Congeniality pulls an equally low stunt as his release time nears.

I think keeping the truth hidden is protecting the guy.
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Old 06-29-2018, 11:53 PM
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I think I'd be a bigger person why try to purposely hurt another woman?
Isn't that what you're doing by telling me they could have had a ceremony after all? That wasn't said to help me.
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Old 06-29-2018, 11:56 PM
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I posted this thread as I was and still am in complete shock at what happened. I didn't expect the support I have received. I never expected anyone to care or agree with what I wrote. It was just a place to let it all out. I know people on PTO can be harsh at times with their advice. I guess it's their version of tough love. You are always going to have differing opinions. I've never really understood though why people put others down when they are already at rock bottom. Maybe empathy has a time limit.

I know as the "victim" of his actions I am expected to follow standard "victim" behavior. Stay quiet, keep my head down, don't cause a fuss, crawl into a corner and lick my wounds quietly.The shame alone makes me want to do that. Well I refuse to be a victim for the second time in my life. Maybe my life experiences shape how I look at this and how I handle it.

For anyone to say that I am wrong for speaking out about this to whomever I choose to, to lay blame at my door for any hurt, to say that I shouldn't have a voice, to make out that it's undignified in some way...HE is the one who caused all this. His actions and his alone. Any hurt the blame lies firmly at his door. All I did was love him.
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Old 06-30-2018, 03:43 AM
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frona - you are entirely entitled to do as you see best.

There is no wrong or right in this, opinions are just opinions and each of us have to make our own decisions in life. Take the advice you feel is useful and leave the rest. Regardless of the subject when you post something online there will never be a situation where everyone agrees on something 100%...it's impossible

My opinion -which also is just an opinion- is identical to Safran's.

Dang... if anyone on here ever finds out that my fiancé is in a relationship or married to someone else y'all better tell me
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  #91  
Old 06-30-2018, 04:22 AM
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Thank you. I know putting anything on the internet you are leaving yourself open to all types of comments which is why I normally lurk and don't post. I didn't know where to turn when this happened hence this thread. My sister made a very uneven comparison to reassure me if I decided to speak out it wasn't wrong..."Harvey Weinstein's wife was devastated when it came out about all the things he's been accused of. Who do you blame for her hurt?...him or the victims who spoke out to prevent future victims?" Like I say a very uneven comparison but none the less I am not to blame. Maybe in my previous relationship if the ex girlfriend who came up to me afterwards and said he did the same to her had warned me at the beginning I might have taken a different path..but then again I might not. I don't blame her because speaking out is a really hard thing to do. His new wife may be the love of his life, they may grow old together, she may forgive him if she didn't know and it'll be happily ever after. Though I'm sure that's what his first 2 wives thought.

Ironically but quite fittingly I'm going to take now ex boyfriend's advice and I quote this from less than 2 months ago when I was having issues with someone " Men who try their best to manipulate you and make you feel small are weak baby. You need to hold that beautiful head of yours up and take the power back".
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Old 06-30-2018, 06:02 AM
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Honey you are one of the most classy ladies I have ever had the privilege to kind of know a bit. I'm very impressed at how your holding it together. In your place I'm not really sure I'd be as strong. With your head up and keeping strong you will come out the victor not a victim!!! Yes he's at fault, you believed a very skilled con artist, lot's of us get screwed over by love interests. Even just friends can con you, I'm dealing with a bunch of drama right now I asked a friend do I have IDIOT tatted on my far head, he laughed and said no you just like to believe no one including the creeps are bad people. I don't like what I'm dealing with it's a bad thing and I've decided I'd much rather still be a great neighbor and get even by not letting the jerks get me down. If anyone who knows me can say anything about me it's that I'm a survivor. My late husband used to laugh at me because I'd cry over minor stuff, but the really bad stuff I've gone through just made me more determined and way stronger!!! Hang in there your way tougher then you think!!
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Old 06-30-2018, 06:40 AM
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I probably would not have told the mother, but I think thats probably better than telling her directly Her mom knows her best. Her mom can decide if she wants to tell her daughter.
But that is ME.
Nothing wrong with either way. (telling her vs not telling her)
You owe her nothing.
Betting dollars to donuts she didnt know about you. If her mother decides not to tell her, then so be it.

You did what you thought best and told someone. Now let them figure out what to do with the info.


(man I still cant get over this guy. Piece of work, that one. Im glad you know what you DIDNT lose out on, as painful as it may be now. Things will get better from here on out)
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Old 06-30-2018, 07:56 AM
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I don't expect people to agree with me. I'm very aware she's married. And I'm also very aware I was the one who was used and lied to. I think it's harsh to say I'm being really unfair.
What I said was it’s unfair to put that on the Mother. Even though I still think it will accomplish nothing good for you, if you are going to expose him then just go straight to her. I’d much rather hear it from the source rather than second hand. That way I could ask all the questions I need and then make my decision. I think telling the Mother is just prolonging your involvement in this whole messed up situation because if that were me I’d want to talk to you personally. If it helps you move on then by all means do it.

Personally I still wouldn’t do it but that’s your decision. I just find a lot of times they want to “kill the messenger” so to speak. Just because I would deal with this differently it doesn’t mean that I don’t support you or are blaming you in any way. I think you are still in shock and disbelief and have every right to feel what you are feeling. I’m a big advocate of short term counseling (6-8 sessions) to help you process what you are going through. They have the training to help you deal with this in the best way for YOU because in all this the only person that matters is you.
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Old 06-30-2018, 08:44 AM
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I'd message the woman and tell her that she hasn't been his only. Screenshot those tablet messages and send them to her. Especially the one the day they got married. Let Karma bite him in the ass.

HOWEVER, make sure that she didn't just fake status them as married- Colorado doesn't do prison weddings. You can only get married in visiting room via self-solemnization and mailing the license back and forth (which is a legal marriage.) I don't know how he would get a ring because my husband was only able to get his once he was out in halfway house. Now that he's back in DOC due to failure to complete assignments he still has his ring.
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Isn't that what you're doing by telling me they could have had a ceremony after all? That wasn't said to help me.
No I didn't mean to upset you. I was responding to another poster who said a ring or vows weren't allowed in Colorado.
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Old 06-30-2018, 08:49 AM
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I bet it’s driving him insane that he can’t contact you. If not because he cares about you then it’ll be because he can’t manipulate, lie or put blame on you. I’ll be surprised if she doesn’t notice a change in his behaviour even if she can’t put her finger on the reason why.
I always think that as much as we want them to hurt like we are, they clearly don’t care as much as we do so why bother with revenge. It only makes us look ugly. The best way to make them realise how bad they messed up (if they ever do) is to remain dignified and not stoop to their level.
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Old 06-30-2018, 09:03 AM
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“I always think that as much as we want them to hurt like we are, they clearly don’t care as much as we do so why bother with revenge. It only makes us look ugly.”

Nothing Frona has said has caused me to think she’s out for revenge or to cause the guy to hurt. Nothing.

All I see is a broken hearted woman having the sense to try and give fair warning to the 3rd wife that her new husband may not have been totally honest. In fact, he most likely still isn’t being honest.

Frona isn’t sharing info out of spite, she’s sharing it in hopes that things will be less painful for the next woman.
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Old 06-30-2018, 09:16 AM
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When I first wrote to like 2-3 inmates right after my father died there was one that stuck a bit more (before Jeff) and he was really fast in telling me he loves me, wanting to marry me and all that stuff. I got reeled in a bit but kept my guard up by telling him "let see each other first" and "come home first" and stuff like that. Flattered me but I felt also something in my gut. Turns out he was talking to another woman within the US and reeled her in as well and I found out through some channels like Facebook, etc... I dumped his ass right away and now looking back I know he schemed to have a "happy home life" so he makes parole or better looks good in front or the parole board (or whatever... ). He did eventually make parole after one setback and they are now married (actually married in prison).
I feel sorry for this woman because it's his 4th marriage and he's an ass... I'm glad I dodged that bullet and I'm glad I listend to my gut.
But I have never even considered writing to her or to posting something on Facebook or anything to that effect because I'm better than that. (not trying to be arrogant). It serves NO purpose whatsoever but maybe hurting people and getting rid of some anger momentarily. I believe in Karma and I just looked ahead and forgot about this experience pretty fast and I really really let go... I'm better than this ass.

I would never tell on people to their families/friends.. for me that's putting myself on a really low level. It's not my place to "make them aware". I'm not responsible for his actions and the repercussions that might take place. I'd concentrate on my life and my well-being. I do care about other people but not with regards to his screw-ups.. he's their problem now. As long as you "meddle" you remain involved and I believe this will not end well.
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Old 06-30-2018, 09:46 AM
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No I didn't mean to upset you. I was responding to another poster who said a ring or vows weren't allowed in Colorado.
I appreciate that now. I'm sorry.
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Old 06-30-2018, 10:41 AM
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Quote:
Nothing Frona has said has caused me to think she’s out for revenge or to cause the guy to hurt. Nothing.
That wasn’t what I was implying at all. I was actually just reassuring her that she had done the correct thing by blocking him. Don’t you think that’s an incredibly strong thing to do? An option most women wouldn’t take. I could have taken that option but I didn’t feel strong enough to never talk to my ex again.
Opinions telling her that his wife finding out now will hurt her but less now than in the future. They’re the one encouraging spite imo. Chances are the wife won’t want to hear it and her anger won’t be directed at her husband. You can justify it as doing the wife a favor if you choose but in my opinion it’s more self-serving than that.
The comment on revenge was just my general opinion on it as others had discussed whether or not to tell his wife. I don’t think it’s helpful to upset a woman that must be in a huge amount of pain and is just looking for some reassurance and a hand hold.

Last edited by LeaLea; 06-30-2018 at 10:53 AM..
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